Amazing loving partner - he lied to me big time

[LaPL]

I am almost divorced, officially separated for 3 years. I have a 6 years old child. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive, and even if we were living a comfortable life financially, we had our own home, vacations every year etc, my life and my mental health was hell. I got out and I got better.

A little more than a year and a half ago, I met my boyfriend and it was a beautiful love story up until last week.

Context, 4 years older than me, never been married, no kids, live alone in an apartment, well educated and decent job, no big responsibilities. He has a heart of gold, incredibly supportive, loving towards me and my child, trustworthy, loves his family and he is the guy I go to for advice. Everyone do. I love him, he's been nothing but amazing to me - we barely fight and communication is excellent. My child is very attached to him. We started talking about moving in together (I currently rent a small apartment, after the separation I had to sell my house), I always told him I wanted to go back to home ownership, but the city I live in is outrageously expensive and I need a partner to afford a family home. He ALWAYS said that buying a house was his plan too, that we will have the life we want and we deserve, that he wanted to move with me, he wanted to marry, he just needed a bit of time to think it through.

We talked so many times about houses we liked, planned our imaginary wedding (even fell in love with a venue!!) talking about how many guests we would like to invite, talk about vacations and everything in between... you get the picture. I was finally feeling so fortunate.

Well... last week he came to me with this information: I have no money, I have zero savings, I live paycheck to paycheck, I cannot give you what you want, a house, a ring, a wedding and... I possibly need to declare bankruptcy because I have at least six figures credit card debts, my credit score is so bad, I am ready for you to kick me out of your life because I lied to you all this time as I was in denial.

I am shocked and I am still processing. My first reaction was to try to understand better and now I told him I want to help him get out of this hole. Not helping by giving him money, but by moving in with me so we pay one rent and we can share expenses, so he can paying off creditors and start saving a bit. I know this is the right thing to do, but I feel so betrayed and shocked and bitter and honestly so so scared for my financial future and for the wellbeing of my child. What if he does that again? He said he hasn't accumulated any more debts in the last two years and used a "protected" credit card responsibly, but the previous years debts are still there. I can't buy anything with him because his credit score is soooo bad it will take 5/6 years to recover.

What would you do?

Thank you.

I had exactly this situation with my ex (but without a child involved). We went so far as putting an offer on a flat together before he declared that he had debts of £26k on a salary of around £18k (it was 20 years ago).
I forgave the deceit, got promoted at work so that we could get a free house, bills paid, and helped him to pay off his debt.
Gradually over time, he took more and more money from me. By then he earned a higher salary - but he would whine and call me 'tight' if I didn't pay for his car tax or whatever. Money always flowed from me to him, yet I was always the 'greedy' and 'tight' one if I dared to refuse.
In the end I found he'd been cheating on me for years and dumped his sorry arse.
If they will lie about money, they will lie about everything - and drag you down with them.
Run.

He's got $20k in cash "for emergencies" - such as? My tiny mind is boggled. You have universal healthcare in Canada, don't you, so it's not for unexpected medical expenses. Emergency scuba diving trip?

And why in cash? Couldn't be to do with hiding it from creditors, could it?

He's got $45k put away "for his taxes" - but hasn't paid said taxes. Pourquoi pas?

Or, of course, these sums don't actually exist.

I'm starting to feel that evil thrill of schadenfreude, exactly as when watching Netflix docuseries about romance frauds, when you're pleading "Don't do it! Hire a detective, interrogate his ex, anything!" But you know she will ...

It seems you have made up your mind OP, just tread carefully.

The debt isn't the issue here though really, and you are justifying how 'easy' it is to go bankrupt etc to ignore the bigger issue.

The issue here is the lying and mistrust but if you can overcome that, then good luck.

However I would be cautious how he acts when he feels he had a few extra 💵 in his back pocket once he moves in with you.

NO NO NO! Do not move him in with you. He has already wrecked his own credit rating. Do you want him to wreck yours as well? Or have bailiffs turning up at the door? He is not amazing. He is a liar and completely untrustworthy.

You need to think of your child.

Your entire relationship is built on lies. His lies. Amazing people do not lie, particularly to those they love.

Why can you not see this and walk away.

First and foremost I would find out how this man with a good job, single and no children got into some HUGE debt, where was the money going? A gambling habit, drugs, vintage cars?

He intended to deceive and hope that by the time you were hooked you would overlook it. I cannot stand liars.

The issue isn't just the debt. If he won the lottery tomorrow and paid off the debt there'd still be the problem that "he’s horrible with money and money management" so you could end up in the same position further down the line

Ah come off it.

He hasn't made "a mistake".

He deliberately & coldly lied for 18 months while painting an attractive pictire of a solvent man who could afford to buy a home with OP, have a great lifestyle & get married.

He has "come clean now" because he has judged that 18 months is long enough to have got OP emotionally hooked.

He isn't "not great with money" he is a fraud who is holding onto a tidy cash sum of $45k while owing $120k & doing sod-all about it (except hook a wealthy divorcee).

He racked this debt up on a rich lifestyle he could not afford, for YEARS. That's not a mistake, it's a character trait.

It is entirely your decision, we don't know him. People are being sensible and cautious but sometimes we decide to take a chance. I did when I married my 2nd husband, he was in debt, not as bad as £120,000 but debt none the less, we married, I paid off the debt and he gave me half his house so it was about breakeven. He earned more than me, never minded subsidising my kids and here we are 40 years later. His debt was all run up by his ex, I know people never believe that but I saw the evidence of how she had managed to divert joint money into her savings and leave him in debt. We argue about things but never money, we have a nice house and enough money to buy a holiday house which we are looking at doing, both have good pensions. It could have all gone very differently but I decided to take the chance.

With regards to his debt he can write off 80% of his debt but he doesn't want to do that route, is that right? If so can he negotiate his debts, let his creditors know he will have to do that, they will get 20% in drips and drabs over 5 years so would they take 20% now if he can raise that? Might be worth looking at, if he has £20k in savings he could nearly write it all off now.

I hope you make the best decision for you and whether his life is with you or not I hope he gets it sorted.

OP I really don't think he's being honest with you - I would be very wary. Just a few minutes of Googling 'consumer proposal Canada' came up with this information, which sounds much less positive than what he's told you:

Disadvantages of a consumer proposal:
• It’s not a private matter. A consumer proposal is filed as a permanent public record and is included on an online searchable database.
• There are many costs associated with consumer proposals. They usually take longer than filing for bankruptcy, and they impact your credit for roughly the same length of time as bankruptcy
• The Court must approve it.
• Creditors can choose to reject the proposal. If they do, you may need to offer them additional funds to convince them to proceed.
• You might need to sell some of your assets (such as a vehicle, your home, or investments) or include their value in your proposal (essentially buying them back).
• You may need to file for bankruptcy if you miss more than 2 payments.
• Secured debts cannot be put into a proposal.
• Student loans less than 7 years old can’t be included.
• It can put certain professional licenses at risk, and the permanent record of your insolvency may also affect some future employment opportunities.

nomoredebts.org/debt-help/consumer-proposal/what-is-consumer-proposal-cp

Yep

The 45k is to pay his taxes, the govt tends to regard that is their money and you can't just decide not to pay.

I do wonder if the roles were reversed and this was a woman posting, saying she'd misled her boyfriend, and the longer it went on, the harder it was to come clean, if posters would be more sympathetic?

@AIBUNoNo Why would I be more sympathetic on sex grounds?

I would view that woman as a lying future faker who love bombed her victim for 18 months in a cold & deliberate manner in order to manipulate him into sharing his divorce settlement of 2 houses & a pension.
I would advise the man to take off his love goggles & look hard at how he has been hoodwinked.

Someone recently took out multiple credit cards and loans in my name. Only knew about it when I checked my credit score. Was shocked how easily they managed it. Thankfully the companies involved sorted it, but someone got away with £xxxxx of free money.

Tricky one, OP. I think the biggest snag is that you haven't lived together yet, so your idea about helping you both out by doing that might be one step too many to take all at once.

Some situations in life are a "wait and see"...

It's back taxes, though. Which he hasn't paid.
There's another $20k in cash.
Cash, presumably so the tax people and his creditors can't see it.

That's if those funds even exist.

What corner has he turned?

He hasn't repaid a penny, but is sitting on a small fortune of $45k.

You have no idea if drugs, alcohol or gambling are involved.

Anyone else notice the "almost divorced".

Do you have a settlement coming your way by any chance? I think you'll find that's why he's suddenly "come clean" about all of this.

He sees payday.

Thing is hes not an amazing or loving partner though is he? Hes a big fat liar! I would end it now .Difficult but better in the long run

Tough one. I absolutely wouldn’t move in with him at this point but looking at the positives it sounds like he is doing EXACTLY what people on here are advised to do about coming clean to a partner around debt. Full transparency, showing you everything, demonstrating this is a historical problem which he is addressing. Building up an emergency fund and savings to pay a tax bill is responsible and is a big sign that he’s changed how he manages money.

Whether you can deal with the fact he lied is one thing but for me, this doesn’t sound completely insurmountable. If he was still spending wildly and building up more debt then absolutely not but it sounds like that’s far from the case here.

You think he should use his tax bill money to pay historical debt and also use up his emergency fund?!

Bonkers.

Setting up a realistic budget where you can cope with emergency costs without resorting to a credit card, and planning ahead for an expected tax bill is the fundamentals of good money management!!

Regardless of the fact that he can use the system to reduce his debt and hence it might be resolveable I see two issues . He’s lied to you . Two , he cares not a jot about his creditors - those he owes money too , those who have provided a service to him in good faith , those who may end up bankrupt as a result of his foolishness . Just another perspective

The life stories related on here by women who have been in your situation, stayed around and saved the man, by so doing, often seem to have generated a resultant lack of respect in the male psyche, ending with them finding out that in return they have been for example, cheated on the whole time.

In my own experience too, ExH's ego was unable to cope with me having more money than him, ending with him holding me in contempt after I had used it to help him, deviously stealing yet more from me and then eventually abandoning me. I can't be bothered with relationships nowadays but in former days would often wish I was gay...

$20,000 dollars is less than £20,000.

Its often advised to have six months of living expenses saved up as an emergency fund, especially if in unstable employment or a country with poor employment rights where you can be let go very easily. So this to me isn’t an insane amount to keep aside.

I’m not saying this guy is perfect by any means but I’m baffled by the number of people who seem to think that having savings while in debt is so outrageous. It’s having emergency savings and a sensible budget with room to accommodate the unexpected that allows people to get out and stay out of debt.