Dads: This is what happens when you emotionally abandon your wife

[Chalkandchina]

Consequences

Dear ExHusband,

I could see, this morning, when you came over to deliver H's Nintendo Switch which she left at your parents' house, where you're staying, how sad you were and I sensed you longing for the children as you hugged them at the door.

I felt a pang in my heart for you.
Then I had to remind myself that at no point have you complained about the contact time you have with the children. At no point have you asked for it to change. At no point have you tried to assert your needs as their parent. For this lack of assertiveness, there are consequences.

When you chose to leave me alone on my birthday with a newborn and a toddler to care for during the 12 hours that you went to enjoy your hobby after I begged you not to, I struggled to feel the same way afterwards.
There were consequences.

When on nights out with friends, you chose to belittle me instead of standing proudly by my side, a team, against the world together, for me there were consequences and eventually, for you there were consequences too.

When you didn't go to the doctor about your health issue, which grew and worsened and came between us, there were consequences.

When you stayed up late watching box sets instead of sleeping so that you could be the "on" parent during the day time when I'd been awake all night, there were consequences for us all.

When I couldn't make any more effort in our relationship anymore because whilst I was prioritising Us and the children, you were only thinking of yourself as an individual and there were consequences.

When you failed to stand up to your mother when she made underhanded remarks about my parenting, ignored me and treated me like I was invisible for 2 years and you told me I needed to be more tolerant? I distanced myself.
And there were consequences.

When the relationship therapist asked you to take the lead and make some effort to explore yourself, your wants, your needs, your hopes and dreams and make some effort in our relationship, you ignored her and there were consequences.

When the therapist told me to take some time out, for myself because I was exhausted trying to make a failing relationship work single handedly, I extended that time out for my own self preservation and so there were consequences.

When I tried to talk to you about how to resolve all of the hurt so that we could find a way, when I asked you to go to individual therapy and you didn't, there were consequences.

When you say NO to doing any inner work and NO to relationship work and NO to parenting and NO to sleep and NO to team work and NO to me.
I'm sorry, but there are consequences.

And now, I have to remind myself that I can't protect you from the consequences anymore. Even when I know that being away from us is making you sad, angry, resentful, hateful of me because you think it's all my fault, I remember that there are consequences. For all of us. But mostly, you have to face your consequences, like you faced your choices.

So heartfelt and beautifully written. I am sorry for the heartache you went through but take courage from your courage.

Excellently put, that needs to be a Mumsnet standby just like The Script.

I experienced most, though not all of these from my late husband, plus alcohol addiction. And yes, there were consequences.

Very well written.

Absolutely true.

This is so powerful and wonderfully expressed.

Wow. That's very powerful & so true

👏 👏 👏

From your very erudite letter I doubt he has the emotional intelligence or insight to ever be any different. He’s made his bed because it seems like he has no capacity to look inwards and accept his part in the issues you’ve outlined so clearly.

Going by what I’ve read on other MN threads and if we accept that not all fathers/partners are like him, you are better off without him. He will never see the consequences of anything.

Don’t feel any pangs for him. He brought this on himself.

I hope you found it cathartic to write your letter. It’s the sort of thing I do too (but never post) and always find it helpful. Don’t look back.

Well said. Every person on MN should read this before committing to a relationship with their partner and having children.

What a fantastic read. BRILLIANTLY expressed, OP.

Exactly @Suetcrust I will never post it.
Because he will never get it.
I initially wrote it for me, to remind me to stop feeling guilty, then a lady in my support group suggested I maybe find a way to share it with other fathers.

Never feel guilty. He reaps what he has sown.

Just another example of how men have been raised differently to women and the relationship problems this can cause. Women are raised to take accountability for pretty much anything, even things nothing to do with them, whereas men get away with too much too long and they remain man children forever.

Well done OP for standing up for yourself, because society has tried to train this out of us as well.

The word consequences is absolutely the one I used when I ended my long-term relationship with exDP. That there had been consequences to his actions, death by a thousand cuts, that he had inflicted and wished me to forget, and I couldn't. Thank you for this, OP.

Just today my cleaner let off steam about her husband thinking his builders job is the only thing he's responsible for, when they have two girls, she works nights in a supermarket and as a cleaner during the day plus kids plus household. But he complains he's the one who's tired.

So very well expressed OP. In my case it is my "mother" who never accepted there would be consequences for her actions and inactions. Now dying, she blames me that I had to walk away from her a year and a half ago. I didn't want things to be like this.

Reading this board, there are many many partners and parents who think they can ignore everyone else's needs in favour of their own. Then families are devastated by the consequences.

Did you contribute anything to the breakdown of your marriage?

'Just another example of how men have been raised differently to women and the relationship problems this can cause. Women are raised to take accountability for pretty much anything, even things nothing to do with them, whereas men get away with too much too long and they remain man children forever.'

Spot on

I'm sorry you went through all that OP. Too many men take their children and family for granted, just expecting that their partner will keep picking up all of the pieces forever more. Well sometimes, the day comes when she won't. As you say, consequences

Beautifully expressed ❤️

Very well written and heartfelt.

His own inertia hurt him as well as the writer of this piece.

Yes I did contribute @Smineusername .
I put up with it for far too long.
I can hand on heart say I tried my best, all my intentions were for the good of the family, his were only for himself.

In the end, I swore too much, shouted, told him I hated him. But this was the reaction, not the cause.

This is so true. I'm watching this play out currently with a couple we're friends with. She is a gorgeous human, inside and out, and she's flogging herself trying to make their family work. He can't be arsed and is completely emotionally, and usually physically/geographically, unavailable. I can see that she's going to reach her limit and just be done. And I can also see that when she checks out, he'll realise what he's got (or had) but it will be far too little too late.

I am watching this now with ExH and DD1. She’s 15. He’s never had her more than EOW for one night. For the last two years, she’s only gone to his every second or third time she was meant to, and he is utterly baffled. Despite my repeated warnings. I don’t think he could tell me her closest friends names, her favourite teachers or even what GCSEs she chose.

“Your parents divorced and you have a close relationship with your Dad”, he said. Whilst failing to realise that’s because I spent almost equal time between the two homes.

I’m sad that DD doesn’t have a proper father but I am not sad for him. Bought and paid for.

There is no accountability with some men @NoShepardWithoutVakarian . They all understand the laws of cause and effect, unless it applies to them and then they consider themselves immune.

My df would get upset every Christmas Day when we his adult dc spent it with our dm and siblings.
He would sit with his new dp and her family and wish he was with us.
No sympathy from me.