Dads: This is what happens when you emotionally abandon your wife

[Chalkandchina]

Consequences

Dear ExHusband,

I could see, this morning, when you came over to deliver H's Nintendo Switch which she left at your parents' house, where you're staying, how sad you were and I sensed you longing for the children as you hugged them at the door.

I felt a pang in my heart for you.
Then I had to remind myself that at no point have you complained about the contact time you have with the children. At no point have you asked for it to change. At no point have you tried to assert your needs as their parent. For this lack of assertiveness, there are consequences.

When you chose to leave me alone on my birthday with a newborn and a toddler to care for during the 12 hours that you went to enjoy your hobby after I begged you not to, I struggled to feel the same way afterwards.
There were consequences.

When on nights out with friends, you chose to belittle me instead of standing proudly by my side, a team, against the world together, for me there were consequences and eventually, for you there were consequences too.

When you didn't go to the doctor about your health issue, which grew and worsened and came between us, there were consequences.

When you stayed up late watching box sets instead of sleeping so that you could be the "on" parent during the day time when I'd been awake all night, there were consequences for us all.

When I couldn't make any more effort in our relationship anymore because whilst I was prioritising Us and the children, you were only thinking of yourself as an individual and there were consequences.

When you failed to stand up to your mother when she made underhanded remarks about my parenting, ignored me and treated me like I was invisible for 2 years and you told me I needed to be more tolerant? I distanced myself.
And there were consequences.

When the relationship therapist asked you to take the lead and make some effort to explore yourself, your wants, your needs, your hopes and dreams and make some effort in our relationship, you ignored her and there were consequences.

When the therapist told me to take some time out, for myself because I was exhausted trying to make a failing relationship work single handedly, I extended that time out for my own self preservation and so there were consequences.

When I tried to talk to you about how to resolve all of the hurt so that we could find a way, when I asked you to go to individual therapy and you didn't, there were consequences.

When you say NO to doing any inner work and NO to relationship work and NO to parenting and NO to sleep and NO to team work and NO to me.
I'm sorry, but there are consequences.

And now, I have to remind myself that I can't protect you from the consequences anymore. Even when I know that being away from us is making you sad, angry, resentful, hateful of me because you think it's all my fault, I remember that there are consequences. For all of us. But mostly, you have to face your consequences, like you faced your choices.

Ugh. There's always one.

OP,

Thank you. You speak so eloquently for all of us, as though you have written each of our stories.

Like you, I sometimes have that same pang but that's only because we are nice people. If I also stop to consider the damage we are all still trying to heal from and the hurt he is still trying to cause, I cannot afford to entertain that pang. It doesn't come naturally though. It helped to read what you had written so thank you.

If she did, it was unknowingly. It sounds like the OP put her heart and soul into the marriage and family and worked her guts out. Like many of us.

👏

I wish I’d thought of my marriage breakdown defined as a series of Consequences’.

I thought my situation was vaguely unique but it turns out that it wasn’t at all.

The death of a marriage by a thousand cuts.

DC both working abroad in an effort to evade their DF. It utterly breaks my heart.

So much of that op in my own marriage breakdown. Now watching exHrepeat the same mistakes with his own daughter who has cut him off because she knows she deserves more than his selfishness and half hearted parenting.. If Ive done anything right in life it was to show her its better to walk away when you’re being shortchanged on every level than stay and hate yourself for doing so.
well done for doing the same for your own dc’s. Onwards and upwards.

@BarefacedCheekGrylls
Yes. 100 % Yes.
I have facilitated SO MUCH between exH & kids, because I did want them to be hurt. But if I stop, they will know.

I feel this is slightly unfair. This is absolutely your experience. But it's not just dad's ...mum's do it too my mum completely detached from family life and was absolutely unaware of the consequences.

So articulate. I wonder what the health issue was...that is a bit close to home and hard to read.

DH has had digestive issues for years and sees no reason to see a Dr, even through it now impacts on our family life.

If you want fairness then make your own thread about your own experience. Nobody is stopping you.

It does take two to cause a marriage break down

No it doesn't. At any time one of them can check out or leave.

@TooBigForMyBoots

So what?
It still takes two

It does not take two to cause a marriage breakdown. It takes two to make a marriage work. But one person can unilaterally destroy it.

Love to hear his side of it ?

It takes two to make it work @CallieQ not two to make it fail.

SO SPOT ON!
and then he’ll be bewildered, because for YEARS it’s been one rule for him, and another rule for you.
mine treated me like crap for years, and when I got sick and tired of jumping through hoops of his ever-increasing demands, he was so surprised!

and yes - cut us down to their mates, and we’re supposed to stand behind them applauding and build them up at all times.

monsters.

and no, to those chiming in “what did YOU do” and “it takes two” you can fuck right off with your gaslighting - it’s so very clear you are boys with absolutely no respect for women. Learn something from this or fuck off.

they may be a long time coming, but there are consequences.

women do silently add it to the pile EVERY TIME a man who has vowed to love and cherish her BREAKS those vows. Every. Single. Time.

it may count as nothing to them, so they may be surprised - but every little cut, every little shard of broken glass under the skin, it all builds up until there is absolutely no going back.

and he doesn’t deserve one ounce of your pity or protectiveness. He failed you.

People really love to jump on anything here, don't they?

Beautifully written and articulated OP.
I love that you have broken it down into consequences, I've never considered that before.

I was married to a much older man when I was a teenager, he was in his mid 40s and we had a child.
He has never been inside a swimming pool with him, a play area, soft play, the cinema, no woodland trips or theme parks, no museums or beach days out. He's a "sit in the pub and watch the match or mcdonalds" dad on the occasions he stuck to contact arrangements.
I met DH not long after my divorce and he's actually 2 weeks younger than me, (cougar alert!) And my DS regularly says how he'd have not had a real dad without my DH.
XH can't work out why DS chooses to see him as little as possible.
I hope one day he reads your poem and considers it a consequence.
Thank you @Chalkandchina

@CallieQ

No it doesn't. It can take 2 in some cases. But it can take one person to wreck a marriage. I fought for years to make our marriage work, but my ex's addiction was far more important to him. I bear no responsibility for the marriage ending. It was all on him.

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. Which means that if both aren't activiely making it work, it will fail. Hence, 1 person can wreck a marriage.

This really resonated with me, thank you.

Aye

Excellent letter, @Chalkandchina So articulate and heartfelt. I think that it will resonate with many women. He’s the loser here. 💐I’m

Rogue “I’m” - sorry!

Shouldn't everyone in relationships strive for fairness?

Yes the poster is articulate and as I said in my post. Is absolutely her experience no need to jump on me. I wasn't belittling hers this is supposed to be a supportive area and it's important not to just label "dad's" as failures and checking out