Dads: This is what happens when you emotionally abandon your wife

[Chalkandchina]

Consequences

Dear ExHusband,

I could see, this morning, when you came over to deliver H's Nintendo Switch which she left at your parents' house, where you're staying, how sad you were and I sensed you longing for the children as you hugged them at the door.

I felt a pang in my heart for you.
Then I had to remind myself that at no point have you complained about the contact time you have with the children. At no point have you asked for it to change. At no point have you tried to assert your needs as their parent. For this lack of assertiveness, there are consequences.

When you chose to leave me alone on my birthday with a newborn and a toddler to care for during the 12 hours that you went to enjoy your hobby after I begged you not to, I struggled to feel the same way afterwards.
There were consequences.

When on nights out with friends, you chose to belittle me instead of standing proudly by my side, a team, against the world together, for me there were consequences and eventually, for you there were consequences too.

When you didn't go to the doctor about your health issue, which grew and worsened and came between us, there were consequences.

When you stayed up late watching box sets instead of sleeping so that you could be the "on" parent during the day time when I'd been awake all night, there were consequences for us all.

When I couldn't make any more effort in our relationship anymore because whilst I was prioritising Us and the children, you were only thinking of yourself as an individual and there were consequences.

When you failed to stand up to your mother when she made underhanded remarks about my parenting, ignored me and treated me like I was invisible for 2 years and you told me I needed to be more tolerant? I distanced myself.
And there were consequences.

When the relationship therapist asked you to take the lead and make some effort to explore yourself, your wants, your needs, your hopes and dreams and make some effort in our relationship, you ignored her and there were consequences.

When the therapist told me to take some time out, for myself because I was exhausted trying to make a failing relationship work single handedly, I extended that time out for my own self preservation and so there were consequences.

When I tried to talk to you about how to resolve all of the hurt so that we could find a way, when I asked you to go to individual therapy and you didn't, there were consequences.

When you say NO to doing any inner work and NO to relationship work and NO to parenting and NO to sleep and NO to team work and NO to me.
I'm sorry, but there are consequences.

And now, I have to remind myself that I can't protect you from the consequences anymore. Even when I know that being away from us is making you sad, angry, resentful, hateful of me because you think it's all my fault, I remember that there are consequences. For all of us. But mostly, you have to face your consequences, like you faced your choices.

Well someone should pin this to the top of mumsnet chat everyday!

Brilliant 👏

Very true. You may think you're clever when you dodge night wakings because "she doesn't need as much sleep as you", when you refuse to get up with your kids or pretend not to hear them and when you check out of family life at weekends to do time-consuming hobbies. But each cut is bringing you closer to your relationship breaking down and each slight and neglect to being an annoying irrelevance in your children's lives.

Well said OP.

When my husband left for the OW after a couple of years of acting selfishly (being out drinking with colleagues until the early hours) and spending precious little time with the children, I said to him it would impact on his relationship with the children.

Ten years on, DD1 (16) quite openly says she CBA to see her dad if there’s something ‘better’ happening.

I feel torn between feeling sorry for him and thinking ‘you reap what you sow’. In the last ten years he’s done three morning school runs and was late for two of them. While I spent years reading Biff and bloody Chip with the 3 kids every night, doing homework, taking them to hobbies/clubs etc while working full time.

Sorry ‘can’t be arsed’ = (CBA).

I feel I’m learning a new language now I have teenagers 😂

So well put! I could have written almost all of that myself. I’m 14 months into a separation from my exh of 20+ years and I started off feeling incredibly guilty, now I’m just angry with him. He wants us to spend time together but I just can’t. He neglected me and our kids for decades, I still need to remind myself that I don’t owe him anything.

Different circumstances but I see my ex looking sad. He regrets his decision to leave me - one daughter doesn't really see him (adult her choice) the other made it clear she wasn't going to prioritise him. He sees me happy (dropping off the dog) he's apologised for how he treated me - but I have moved on, I'm in a relationship with someone who treats me as an equal not just a mum!

Well, we would need to ask the exes. I bet they disagree.

Yes, I'm sure mine would. 😂 but he's always had a victim complex.

Very well written. Hugs to you op, sounds like you've had a hard time x

Uh huh, that rings true for my former relationships. Death by a thousand disrespectful cuts.

I’ve moved on too. My DP is the most amazing man I’ve ever met and my kids really adore him as do I.

My ExH is still with the OW. The kids aren’t that bothered about seeing him and the OW wanted children but it seems ExH put the kibosh on that.

Although he was the cheat, I feel I’m the only one in a ‘better’ situation now (If that makes sense).

Yup ex failed to prioritise the kids dumped them for better offers ditched them completely during covid not so much as a regular phone call reduced his contact time to virtually nothing now they CBA with him and he is totally baffled why? Why don't his children want to know him? Why do they prefer his boring ex wife? his ex stepdaughter? Or (in the case of teen ds) his mates? I don't understand they should idolise me (really feels like this)

He is so confused and I warned him

Fabulous post OP, truly. Read it and these comments back when he comes cap in hand all doe-eyed-dan. He’s only sorry he didn’t get away with it all longer.

An awful lot of what your said resonated, I’d love to test my theory and understand what his parents relationship was like?

For my ExDH, I realised years after wed separated that he had been living out their marriage with me;

The wife does all the:
cleaning ✔️
cooking ✔️
washing ✔️
child rearing ✔️
Night wakings ✔️
mental labour ✔️
family planning ✔️
child development ✔️ (he went out and bought a bottle to give our daughter a month after ‘we’ had weaned our her from bottles at 18 months - because and I quote ‘She cried for one’ #easyoption

On top of which she is expected to work the same hours and contribute financially, yet it cannot be accepted she could possibly be even nearly as tired as the poor old Husband…

The husband does all the;

emotional abusing ✔️
reckless spending of family finances ✔️
Outrage at being expected to do fuck all else ✔️

I am 13 years on now, and initially he ‘tried’ with the DC, Although for the first 5 years purposely only living places he couldn’t possibly have them overnight in attempts to control me 🥱 Moving away and then going weeks without even checking in with them. Having them overnight once every 8 weeks etc.

I never bad mouthed him, while he would be horrid about me to them. When both DC reached around 12 they saw past the feel sorry for me act and now see him for exactly the man he is. Which I still feel sad about as I’d love for them to have a fulfilling relationship with him - luckily they have had a wonderful Step Father for 9 years and see everyday how an equal loving relationship should be…

Onwards and Upwards for both you and the DC 🎈

Well nicely written, but your pang was unnecessary - any regret he feels will be fleeting and he will be on and into another relationship in no time, without learning anything! Don't ever feel guilty or feel the need to justify booting him out, even indirectly via Mumsnet.

Been there op. I feel you ❤️

In exactly the same place. I hear you.

Wow this has all really resonated with me, and especially from Goldbar.

I had a three yo and a 5 yo both awake and ill the other morning at 4am.Husband closed the bedroom door so he could sleep, rather than offering to help.

Another time my youngest had a horrible sickness bug. I'm walking past our open bedroom door covered in sick, with sick covered bedding and sleepware. My husband is in bed reading his book, doesn't even ask if things are ok or if he can help. Just a few examples, many more, and he wonders why I don't want any intimacy with him any more. His actions like that have caused so much damage, along with his near constant criticisms.

If he actually spends time with me and the kids on a weekend, its like we should be grateful, but even then he's on his own agenda somewhere in there. I'm becoming increasingly aware how selfish he is, and I don't think there's any coming back from all this resentment I have.

Ducks are being put in order.

Big hand hold to all.

What a brilliant letter

I'm just having a big cry now, when I should be doing lunchboxes for tomorrow!

Thank you for this. I’m sitting alone in a pub toilet having a little sob because DH has texted his friend to meet us , on our one night out in months. I felt utterly alone until I read your post so thank you.

I feel this today.

my husband slept in this morning as he works from home. No discussion. No alarm set.
just imagine if I did that? No child would be at school, no animals fed, no lunchboxes made, no uniforms sorted. Then I have to go to work and can’t just opt out of family mornings.

I can’t handle the selfishness. The justification is that he ‘works hard’
as if having a family and a job is impossible
i work full time… just not hard I guess???

I ate my husband's easter egg on sunday night, because he fked me off so much during the day,yes mothers day. He had to work all day aparently,but when I got home from being out with the kids, it was obvious he'd been having a sleep, the pillows and bed cover was warm to touch. No option for exhausted mummies to have a snooze during the day.

When I ate his easter egg it felt good, but I also in that moment realised that I binge every time I feel resentment towards him, which is alot, hence my weightgain.

OMG - the more posts I read on this thread, the more grateful I am that ExH left
for the OW.

I now live with a DP who loves and respects me in a way ExH never did.

I've been there myself in the past @weightstrugglinmum . We become emotional eaters to fill the void. I used to eat junk food as rebellion against my ex too. He was a bit obsessed with knowing what I'd eaten during the day. He never criticised, he was just overly interested and if I ate something he didn't know about, I'd feel like I'd got one over on him. I don't eat like that anymore.