Dads: This is what happens when you emotionally abandon your wife

[Chalkandchina]

Consequences

Dear ExHusband,

I could see, this morning, when you came over to deliver H's Nintendo Switch which she left at your parents' house, where you're staying, how sad you were and I sensed you longing for the children as you hugged them at the door.

I felt a pang in my heart for you.
Then I had to remind myself that at no point have you complained about the contact time you have with the children. At no point have you asked for it to change. At no point have you tried to assert your needs as their parent. For this lack of assertiveness, there are consequences.

When you chose to leave me alone on my birthday with a newborn and a toddler to care for during the 12 hours that you went to enjoy your hobby after I begged you not to, I struggled to feel the same way afterwards.
There were consequences.

When on nights out with friends, you chose to belittle me instead of standing proudly by my side, a team, against the world together, for me there were consequences and eventually, for you there were consequences too.

When you didn't go to the doctor about your health issue, which grew and worsened and came between us, there were consequences.

When you stayed up late watching box sets instead of sleeping so that you could be the "on" parent during the day time when I'd been awake all night, there were consequences for us all.

When I couldn't make any more effort in our relationship anymore because whilst I was prioritising Us and the children, you were only thinking of yourself as an individual and there were consequences.

When you failed to stand up to your mother when she made underhanded remarks about my parenting, ignored me and treated me like I was invisible for 2 years and you told me I needed to be more tolerant? I distanced myself.
And there were consequences.

When the relationship therapist asked you to take the lead and make some effort to explore yourself, your wants, your needs, your hopes and dreams and make some effort in our relationship, you ignored her and there were consequences.

When the therapist told me to take some time out, for myself because I was exhausted trying to make a failing relationship work single handedly, I extended that time out for my own self preservation and so there were consequences.

When I tried to talk to you about how to resolve all of the hurt so that we could find a way, when I asked you to go to individual therapy and you didn't, there were consequences.

When you say NO to doing any inner work and NO to relationship work and NO to parenting and NO to sleep and NO to team work and NO to me.
I'm sorry, but there are consequences.

And now, I have to remind myself that I can't protect you from the consequences anymore. Even when I know that being away from us is making you sad, angry, resentful, hateful of me because you think it's all my fault, I remember that there are consequences. For all of us. But mostly, you have to face your consequences, like you faced your choices.

Excellent post. I just wish it was fictional rather than something hundreds of other women go through. Thats the kicker.

For you

So well written.

It is funny, and tragic that some men just feel us women can take on the work where their mum or dad left off, and become so surprised that we eventually just fall of the love wagon. Like yuk, its not our job to keep men in check or parent them into being good partners and parents. Not our job.

Spot on OP.

That is a poem x

So true OP.

1000 bloody paper cuts...

Just echoing the other posters here. The original post is absolutely bang on. I know/know of so many men that just don't give a shit about their wives or their kids and are just too busy with their mates and their hobbies. Making any excuse under the sun to not step up, and off pursuing their many hobbies that take up most of their free time out of work. And yeah they do let their mums criticise their wives, and don't butt in and tell her off.

Women are there for everything for their children. Hospital appointments, inoculations, dental appointments, doctors appointments, school plays, sports days, parents evenings, taking them to shows and concerts, day trips, feeding the ducks, going to the play barn, clothes shopping, gift buying, going to the beach, visiting extended family... you name it. The mums are there for everything.. The dads are there for nothing barely. Maybe one in 13 or 14 things. And then he's dragged there against his will, because he's usually 'tired' and 'overworked,' and sits there with a face like thunder.

And then men wonder - when the children are older, like in their 20s, 30s,, etc, why they have a lot more interest in contact with the mum and communicate with her a lot more, and find it quite hard to talk to him.

You reap what you sow, mate. Don't give a shit about your kids for the first 20-25 years of their life, coz you're too busy with work, hobbies, and your mates, and are 'too tired' to be fucked, then don't cry if your adult children don't give a shit about being bothered about you for the rest of your life. Most young people I know, including my own kids, as much as they love their dad, would favour their mum over him, 100 times over.

So many times I said to my Ex that if he didn’t prioritise DC then it would have a lasting negative impact on their relationship. I obviously didn’t know what I was talking about. Fast forward to now he has taken me to court for more contact with 13 yr old DC and whilst we are awaiting completion of the report he got more contact. DC goes up to the driver door tells him no and turns away. Ex can’t understand why this is happening especially now there is a court order. The rejection must hurt, but never once did DC needs ever come first.

So spot on!!! And something that could be written by any woman who is just DONE. Our reasons may vary but the result is the same....consequences!!

My exH looked at me completely gobsmacked when I told him to leave. He honestly could not imagine 'what my problem was'. Gee, IDK, maybe it was the abuse or maybe it was the sudden announcement that we would not be having children. Take your fucking pick, asshole! But I, too, could have just answered "Consequences!".

The one blessing of not having children with him was that once the divorce was final I never, ever had to lay eyes on him again.

every single word here represents how I feel too x

Mums make a promise to yourself that you will raise your sons to respect you and other women. Tell them that you will defend their partners or wives if they dare to be arseholes and mean it.

If you want them to be happy men do this for them now and always

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian She will, as an adult, give back what she got, in terms of time and effort. My DD has done.

Mums make a promise to yourself that you will raise your sons to respect you and other women. Tell them that you will defend their partners or wives if they dare to be arseholes and mean it.

While I completely agree with the sentiment of this, they have 2 parents. When one of those parents is a little manchild modelling being a permanent toddler it can completely undermine those efforts.

well said OP 👏👏👏 . My ex is now seeing those consequences- after years of prioritising himself- he has two daughters who he barely sees. He pushed us away, but meant that our family consisted of just the three of us, together. I have had all the joy and pleasure of watching them grow into adults and he has mostly been a critical bystander, of which now he is reaping the results.

@AcrossthePond55 mine was also gobsmacked despite 4 years of telling him that I was unsure if I could continue as we were. His reaction to the split also said a lot, he told me I'd "humiliated" him. Everything boiled down to his ego; he wasn't sad that it was over with me, just humiliate. Obviously more concerned for his reputation.

Well written, OP.

I feel the same about my ex who hangs about my street in his car hoping our teenage son will speak to him. It’s the consequence of his constant drinking and then physically attacking our son which meant we had to leave our home. He is lonely now and has lost his son but to be honest I have no sympathy.

Reading this I realise how much I still facilitate the relationship between my ex and our children. Reminding him to ask them about their success so they think he has remembered. Telling him their worries and concerns.
I do it because I don’t want them to feel the hurt of being ignored and forgotten that I felt for so long. But I get that the relationship between them isn’t real if I am driving it, plus I have less and less capacity or will to do it.

Meanwhile he has a new partner who he seems to make a priority and is utterly devoted to.

You did the right thing @Chalkandchina , and so did I.

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you deserve 💐.

You will get there and things will become easier. These are the tough years and you are paying it forward. Eventually your children will be more independent and great company, and you will have time to breathe and to realise what a good job you've done/are doing.

It makes me feel better to know that, even if things don't turn out perfectly or my DC run into difficulties later on, I've always tried to put them, and my relationship with them, first in the decisions that I've made.

Oh yes, the old "I never saw this coming, how could you, what will my family and friends think!". Makes you want to say "Well I certainly saw it coming. If you have 5 hours I'll tell you why I can. I don't know about your friends and family, but mine are overjoyed I've finally seen the light!!". Sad bastards.

You know what's wonderful? That unbelievable feeling of 'lightness' when they're finally gone. I can still remember exactly how 'light' I felt on the first night after he left. Think of it, it's been over 40 years, and I can still 'feel it' as if it were yesterday.

Yes yes yes @Chalkandchina and @AcrossthePond55 Exactly!

When I took dh to counselling, he said it was humiliating. Also humiliating that I'd spoken to someone (I'd had counselling sessions on my own prior to this) about our problems and that I should have only ever spoken to him about it. Oh yeah, so you can tell me how wrong and selfish and unreasonable I am??? Ok. No thought of trying to put things right, or even acknowledging that his behaviour drove me to needing to see a counsellor, or that he might need to do things differently to keep me, just worried for himself about what his mum and family would think. Humiliating.

I reckon I could be anyone, as long as he has a wife and two kids. He once said, "but I need you." And I know for a fact it was the need that a kid has for its mum, not the need a man has for a woman.

It didn't take him long to go back to his hobbies.

👏

Mine always hated me speaking out @AlwaysTheGoodGirl . He once discovered that I'd been posting anonymously on MN for advice about him and he was angry about it as opposed to working on the reasons why I was posting in the first place! Tried to make me promise never to come on here again. Speaking out has always been a crime in his mind, not the actual behaviour. I find that bizarre. He was angry that he "couldn't give his side."

I could be anyone too.
I was one in a line of women he'd asked out from work, I was just the one stupid enough to say yes.

He'll be pandering after someone else at work now if I know him.

Oh absolutely!! ExH agreed to see a counselor BUT I was given a list of subjects that I was NOT allowed to mention, namely his emotional abuse and his drug use (albeit minor, it did affect his behaviour). Since most of our problems stemmed from those issues, what was the point? But I persevered, hoping that maybe the truth would out during counseling. But basically I sat there like a dope whilst he listed my every fault 'according to him'. In not being able to mention his drug use and his abuse, when I complained about his 'temper' I came off looking like a petulant child. I refused to go back which he took to mean that I was 'admitting the truth', that it was me, not him, and if I'd just 'shape up' we'd have no problems.

Can you believe that that was NOT the straw that broke the camel's back? Because it wasn't. It wasn't until he said "By the way, I never wanted children and we will NOT be having them" that I snapped. Instead of crying and pleading, I turned to him and said "Get the fuck out of this house, I never want to see your face again". The scared little lamb turned into a snarling angry tigress. And it felt GOOD!!

I read so many threads on MN from women who know they need to end a bad relationship, but they don't have the courage or confidence. But if they could just find that one 'trigger' (mine was the no children) and use it, they'd find their courage.

Oh yes, the trigger is important @AcrossthePond55. I found myself longing for the final straw towards the end as misery wasn't quite enough to push me to end things.

My trigger came when I discovered that not only had he not stuck up for me with his mother, but his sibling and his mother were sending messages to each other and to my ex about me behind my back. They weren't very happy about something I'd written in a private group about the state of my marriage (seen originally by his sister). The accusations became very defamatory over the weeks they were discussing this and they had screenshots of anonymous posts from this group which weren't even written by me. It became quite insane.

Rather than confront me about it, they were all whispering behind my back. This had been going on for weeks. When he finally told me about all of this and the hurt this had caused to his perfect family and their reputation, I told him to pack his things right there, right then and fuck off back to his perfect family. That's exactly what he did and he's still living there in his old bedroom whilst I raise our children and he dips in with a bit of childcare here and there.