Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

Because they are not unhappy. Surely you don't really think people who have affairs are unhappy in their marriages? All the evidence suggests they are perfectly happy at home. They had no plans to leave the spouse. They just wanted to have sex with someone else. I plan to eat a solero in a minute. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy my dinners.

I know good people can do bad things and make terrible mistakes, but some of the behaviours I have heard of are truly shocking.

Like, how can they not only hope the man leaves his wife, but actually lobby, using whatever tools at their disposal, to get him to leave the family home, WITH CHILDREN still living at home, and knowing that his wife will be utterly destroyed. Really, how do people do that??? Or how can a man lie, for years, meeting the OW in secret, then going home to sleep in bed with his wife a few hours later. Just boggles the mind.

And as for the ones who are "in a bad relationship" and looking to leave, did they ever consider that if they had been properly single, they would have a much better selection of people, rather than being just limited to whoever is willing to cheat and sneak around with them?

I had an affair, and when I spoke to my friends and it most of them had had affairs too.

I don’t think monogamy is normal any more.

Yes, I think they’re a lot more common than you think. Or maybe my views on relationships have been tainted after watching my four older brothers grow up & repeatedly cheat & leave unfathered children scattered around our city (I have a lovely relationship with my nieces & nephews still) or my dad openly admitting to having affairs on my mum. My three older sisters having affairs & leaving one relationship to get into another one without ending things first.

You people are saying this thing as though it perfectly explains and excuses why you chose to lie to and betray your partner or spouse. Not being monogamous doesn't have to mean being a cheat, you know. Just stop with the "society/biology/evolution" and instead admit you chose to cheat because that's the sort of person you are.

I do recall in my close friendship group the only person who hadn't been the other woman and / or had an affair was me,

Then I was the other woman unwittingly. Not for long once I found out. So very common!

Yes families learn by example and it does appear to be getting worse, which I believe is not condusive to the family unit and the rearing of children.

It's become almost unfashionable to pay respect to the family as a concept.

There seems to be a push for individualism and self reliance, which in itself sounds ok but it's no fun when you're knee deep in childcare and lack of finances.
There are less expectations of men to be husbands and loyal to the family, but as it's going I should imagine more women will find marriage and having children an even harder decision.
Society is stacked against longevity in marriage and it takes a very strong person to stand by their convictions to make it work in today's society with all the technology and temptations that brings, to small minded men who think a hobby is finding new sexual partners.

So many sheep out there, men are the worst always will be, but a high proportion of women are being indoctrinated by the fact that it's ok and not much harm to intrude into families.

I would hate to be a young woman looking for a partner now, the expectations of being a cool betrayed wife is so high.

Erm no way would I be with anyone who thinks affairs are common. Dont know a single person in our huge family and friends group who would even talk about them never mind think there ok

Yeah, sorry I'm obviously misunderstanding too.

No, I don't find his "treachery" attractive. I find him attractive. I find how he makes me feel attractive.

He's not being treacherous towards me, and I don't believe he's being treacherous towards his wife either.

@MadeForFun ‘He's not being treacherous towards me, and I don't believe he's being treacherous towards his wife either.’

Well that’s just pretty much the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen an affair partner write. He is taking her right to informed sexual consent for a start. Putting her at risk of STDs. Opening her relationship up without her knowledge and that’s just a start. But of course you don’t see that as treacherous because it doesn’t suit you too. Affairs are so selfish and entitled and you’re just proving that.

You’re very naive I’m afraid! Do you really think your friends/family would tell you if they were cheating on their spouses?

presenting a moral, upstanding character to the world does not preclude an affair.

OK, yes I totally agree with you on the consent issue. I don't know if he's still having sex with her. I can only assume that he is. He's the one choosing not to tell her that he's getting it elsewhere too.

And yes, we are being selfish. I'm using him for sex, he's using me for sex. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement and what he does outside of that is on him.

This is extremely naive. You have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors. You wouldn’t necessarily know if someone was having an affair.

And people don’t talk about it to their families

@MadeForFun tbh I could never involve myself in the removal of another woman’s right to informed sexual consent. Not even for good feels. To know another woman is having her rights violated like that would shake me to the core.

As an aside with the whole thread in mind I think this is the area that is not discussed enough. In the modern day informed sexual consent is all. Modern women are realising it’s importance. Yet in affairs consent is taken from the betrayed and when betrayed find out it’s minimised with terms like ‘heart break’. We need to start to have these harder conversations, affairs cause deep trauma. We need to frame them for what they are.

It does make sense though.

If your husband came to you and said "I'm leaving you for Paula from the office", and the affair hadn't started, you'd be thinking "how can he leave me for a woman he has no physical or emotional connection with? She's practically a stranger to him"

If he comes to you and says "I'm leaving you for Paula. We've been sleeping together for the past 6 months", then surely it's just as painful? Maybe less so because there's actually something tangible to the reasoning.

I'm surprised at the number, and with the examples above but I can understand.

With the frequency I see the "my DH pushed me for sex" posts on MN, is anyone surprised? It would appear the second a woman hits mid 30s, (based on MN virtually exclusively), her dex drive plummets, while the man's is maintained. Is it any wonder why he strays?

But likewise with women... the number of posts with "DH doesn't do anything to help out"... that romantic bubble of showering the woman with presents, help, affection etc... in a way, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more!

It would appear the second a woman hits mid 30s, (based on MN virtually exclusively), her dex drive plummets
You would have to completely ignore both reality and a huge number of sexless marriage posts on mn to pull this out of your arse, but okay.

"my DH pushed me for sex"...
Is it any wonder why he strays?
I am actually disappointed in myself that the lengths people go to excuse men still astounds me.

My current partner has cheated on her ex and she has also just revealed she is cheating on or is having a newish affair with an old flame/colleague from work behind my back. All is revealed now, I'm moving out shortly. There is no remorse.
The blame finger-pointing at me for this behavior is bizarre but is alas part of the cheater's script. Very common.
Must be a habit for some.

Treachery is disloyalty. He IS being disloyal to his wife. There's no way you can spin cheating on his wife as being loyal to his wife. Not even the most deluded OW can manage that, surely.

I used to think, ‘look if you want to shag around, why not find a partner who wants an open relationship? So you can do so honestly. It’s easier to find someone up for this with the internet, after all.

But then I realized that the for a lot of these men, they want to fuck around/ have other relationships, but they cannot bear the thought of their wife doing likewise.

So that is why so many men will never be honest about all this.

What makes sense about it if in the first example he's actually telling the truth? How is the end of a relationship with no infidelity going to be as painful as the end of a relationship where the husband has been lying and cheating for six months?

If I had to guess I would say you've never been in this position – being lied to, manipulated, and abused for months or years all so that your partner or spouse can have sex with their affair partner.

The many assumptions under your post are fascinating. That low morals are a poor, powerless woman thing, not a human thing.

That it’s beyond your ken that women have affairs for the same reason men do, that is, because affairs are enjoyable and they like sex.

And then there’s the unfascinating, bog standard misogyny that you focus on women and deriding them, but not men.

Yeah posters like you always say this. You attack women, but then, when challenged, say, ‘well I would say that about men too! ‘

Yeah but you didn’t did you? Because that is not where your real focus is. It’s on hating women.

No, you're absolutely right. He is being disloyal to his wife.

My definition of treachery, maybe incorrectly, is he's deceiving her with the intention of betraying her. Which I don't believe he is. He has no intention of leaving her.