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Original poster

Are affairs common ?

440 replies

Livelifelaughter · 21/03/2023 10:16

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

OP posts:
MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 08:19

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 07:51

What makes sense about it if in the first example he's actually telling the truth? How is the end of a relationship with no infidelity going to be as painful as the end of a relationship where the husband has been lying and cheating for six months?

If I had to guess I would say you've never been in this position – being lied to, manipulated, and abused for months or years all so that your partner or spouse can have sex with their affair partner.

Show quote history

Well, it wasn't really my example so I'm just assuming. But the discussion was, which is more painful - leaving before or after the affair starts? I suppose it would depend on the individuals involved.

I have been cheated on before, so yes I know the pain it involves.

mydogisthebest · 22/03/2023 08:20

TomeTome · 21/03/2023 19:47

Perhaps there are people who are monogamous by nature and those that are not, and occasionally people cross from one group to the other but mostly they stay in their lane?

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My family are also fairly unusual as there are almost no divorces in it. Parents were married 68 years, I have been married 43 years, both siblings married 40 years, cousins married 30 years or more. 4 sets of aunts and uncles all married over 60 years. All first marriages.

Two cousins are divorced but that is it. When my mum was alive people used to be surprised that she had 3 children all married for such a long time and the fact they were first marriages!

TomeTome · 22/03/2023 08:29

@mydogisthebest what about all the in laws? Do they also come from long marriages? I don’t think how long you are married is really necessarily in line with monogamy though do you?

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 08:38

TomeTome · 22/03/2023 08:29

@mydogisthebest what about all the in laws? Do they also come from long marriages? I don’t think how long you are married is really necessarily in line with monogamy though do you?

Oh it is, my family were similar and you just know the level of respect in those relationships are different.
Not different whilst you are growing up in it but different when you see how other people are.

My husband came from a family where divorce was rife and well you can guess the rest...

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 08:46

it is not just ‘heart breaking’ (which is such a minimising term when it comes to infidelity)

What word should I have used?

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 08:52

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 08:19

Well, it wasn't really my example so I'm just assuming. But the discussion was, which is more painful - leaving before or after the affair starts? I suppose it would depend on the individuals involved.

I have been cheated on before, so yes I know the pain it involves.

Show quote history

It wasn't your example but you said it makes sense so I was asking you why you think it makes sense. Nevertheless...

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 08:52

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 08:17

No, you're absolutely right. He is being disloyal to his wife.

My definition of treachery, maybe incorrectly, is he's deceiving her with the intention of betraying her. Which I don't believe he is. He has no intention of leaving her.

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...I appreciate your responses and that you are able to say that you might be wrong or that you misunderstood something.

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 08:53

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 08:17

No, you're absolutely right. He is being disloyal to his wife.

My definition of treachery, maybe incorrectly, is he's deceiving her with the intention of betraying her. Which I don't believe he is. He has no intention of leaving her.

Show quote history

Do you think betraying is only when someone leaves their wives ?

I think this is where you show your true colours.

You say you don't want your ap to leave his wife, you only want sex with him.
I don't believe you, you find this man attractive, that attractive you are willing to lead a duplicitous life, lying to family, friends, children, probably the ex husband all for this sex on legs man.
You are willing to hurt another woman/human and are complicit in her abuse with him, lowering your standards and morals.

I'm sorry but no, I reckon you would love it if he said he had to leave her for you.

I beilieve there is a deep hatred on here of wives from ow, merely because they prevent them from attaining what they want and it is the only safe space for them to vent their frustrations out (thanks to the moderators on here), because in the real world they have no one except the one person who is letting them down, the affair partner.

It's a lonely world being an ow.

mydogisthebest · 22/03/2023 08:54

TomeTome · 22/03/2023 08:29

@mydogisthebest what about all the in laws? Do they also come from long marriages? I don’t think how long you are married is really necessarily in line with monogamy though do you?

Yes, DH's parents were married 60 years, all his aunts and uncles married at least 60 years. All first marriages. His sister has been married 39 years and, again, first marriage.

He has He has 5 cousins - 2 are divorced and the other 3 have all been married at least 40 years. All first marriages

I would hope that most people in long happy marriages have no reason to be unfaithful and have more respect for the OH

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 08:59

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 08:52

It wasn't your example but you said it makes sense so I was asking you why you think it makes sense. Nevertheless...

Show quote history

Well, for the reasons I mentioned earlier.

I think it makes sense because, in my mind, the betrayal of your husband leaving you for someone they have no physical or emotional connection with would be far greater than your husband leaving you for someone they have that connection with.

At least you could justify in your mind why he was doing it.

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 09:06

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 08:53

Do you think betraying is only when someone leaves their wives ?

I think this is where you show your true colours.

You say you don't want your ap to leave his wife, you only want sex with him.
I don't believe you, you find this man attractive, that attractive you are willing to lead a duplicitous life, lying to family, friends, children, probably the ex husband all for this sex on legs man.
You are willing to hurt another woman/human and are complicit in her abuse with him, lowering your standards and morals.

I'm sorry but no, I reckon you would love it if he said he had to leave her for you.

I beilieve there is a deep hatred on here of wives from ow, merely because they prevent them from attaining what they want and it is the only safe space for them to vent their frustrations out (thanks to the moderators on here), because in the real world they have no one except the one person who is letting them down, the affair partner.

It's a lonely world being an ow.

Show quote history

I'm not lying to my friends or family. It's none of their business who I'm sleeping with so why would I tell them?

I alao genuinely don't want him to leave his wife for me, and I certainly don't hate her.

The arrangement I find myself in with her husband is purely transactional.

He's actually not the sort of person I would go for in a partner at all. We're completely different personalities.

Zespri2022 · 22/03/2023 09:09

I think they are a lot more common than initially assumed. My dad had an affair (at a point where my parents had agreed they were going to end their marriage but were staying together for an extra two years for my brother to finish school).

Working in HR across multiple sectors I've been aware of a huge number of affairs from just emotional affair/sexting through to full on double life (two sets of families). Some very open about and others attempted to be secretive. Sales people are definitely bad.

Amongst friends in their 40's several marriages have now split due to affairs, there are a few where the affair appears to have been deliberate to force an ending.

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 09:11

I'm not lying to my friends or family. It's none of their business who I'm sleeping with so why would I tell them?

I think you are lying to yourself though.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 09:13

I beilieve there is a deep hatred on here of wives from ow, merely because they prevent them from attaining what they want

That's odd. I'd have said the exact opposite is true...the hatred is for OW. They get absolutely savaged on here, far more than the shitty men who actually had sex while committed elsewhere.

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 09:16

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 09:11

I'm not lying to my friends or family. It's none of their business who I'm sleeping with so why would I tell them?

I think you are lying to yourself though.

I'm not sure how I'm lying to myself?

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 09:16

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 08:59

Well, for the reasons I mentioned earlier.

I think it makes sense because, in my mind, the betrayal of your husband leaving you for someone they have no physical or emotional connection with would be far greater than your husband leaving you for someone they have that connection with.

At least you could justify in your mind why he was doing it.

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"He's leaving me for somebody else, but it's nice that he's already had sex with her and has developed an emotional connection with her 😁."

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 09:19

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 09:13

I beilieve there is a deep hatred on here of wives from ow, merely because they prevent them from attaining what they want

That's odd. I'd have said the exact opposite is true...the hatred is for OW. They get absolutely savaged on here, far more than the shitty men who actually had sex while committed elsewhere.

Yes ow all say that.

But I think all ow dislike the wives, collectively.

It's a warped way of thinking but it's essentially blaming their heartache on the wives instead of their ap's.

Exactly the same scenario but reversed.

But in the ow instance it is a perverted sense of anger to the wives, a perverted justice, but then again ow are not noted for being especially fair in their reckoning of affairs.

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 09:20

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 09:16

"He's leaving me for somebody else, but it's nice that he's already had sex with her and has developed an emotional connection with her 😁."

Show quote history

That's not what I said at all. It's not "nice" and I'm not trying to justify or excuse it.

I would just think "he's leaving our 30 year marriage for a woman he barely knows, has no connection with, doesn't love" is worse, isn't it?

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 09:27

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 09:19

Yes ow all say that.

But I think all ow dislike the wives, collectively.

It's a warped way of thinking but it's essentially blaming their heartache on the wives instead of their ap's.

Exactly the same scenario but reversed.

But in the ow instance it is a perverted sense of anger to the wives, a perverted justice, but then again ow are not noted for being especially fair in their reckoning of affairs.

Show quote history

I'm not an OW and never have been. I just believe that when John makes you a commitment, only John is responsible for it. Surprise surprise, you're also one for pitting women against each other (OW apparently hating wives) while ignoring the married men doing the cheating and accusing anyone who dissects of being an OW. Funny how often those kinds of misogyny goes hand in hand.

I've also been cheated on, contrary to one of your other psychic predictions about me.

And now I see you're dictating to another woman what's inside her own head, because apparently you know better.

All while complaining at me about not listening.

There's a pattern emerging.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 09:28

Dissects? Dissents.

MaxTalk · 22/03/2023 09:35

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 09:19

Yes ow all say that.

But I think all ow dislike the wives, collectively.

It's a warped way of thinking but it's essentially blaming their heartache on the wives instead of their ap's.

Exactly the same scenario but reversed.

But in the ow instance it is a perverted sense of anger to the wives, a perverted justice, but then again ow are not noted for being especially fair in their reckoning of affairs.

Show quote history

Sorry but I don't think this at all. Sex can just be that, pure sex.

Whether you want the person as an actual partner in life is completely different.

Lots of people have affairs - it's pretty normal in today's world.

WidthofaLine · 22/03/2023 09:39

ReneBumsWombats · 22/03/2023 09:27

I'm not an OW and never have been. I just believe that when John makes you a commitment, only John is responsible for it. Surprise surprise, you're also one for pitting women against each other (OW apparently hating wives) while ignoring the married men doing the cheating and accusing anyone who dissects of being an OW. Funny how often those kinds of misogyny goes hand in hand.

I've also been cheated on, contrary to one of your other psychic predictions about me.

And now I see you're dictating to another woman what's inside her own head, because apparently you know better.

All while complaining at me about not listening.

There's a pattern emerging.

Show quote history

What's that got to do with ow being bitter towards wives.

Ow do not like wives on here, yes men make commitments to their wives and lie to them, they also lie to their ap's.

Neither statements negate the fact that whilst wives do not like ow, ow do not like wives.

Yes so what, women pitting aggainst one another, one set virtuous and moralistic who dislike the men who have affairs also.

The other set not so moralistic but they like the scummy men.

Doesn't sound like wives are the mysogynists to me.
Sounds like ow are up the arses of these wayward men.

No backbone for standing up aggainst the crap men dish out.
And totally disloyal to other women.

Vohgue · 22/03/2023 09:42

Laughable bias from the respondents on this thread. I guess to be expected from the thread title. Only one distant friend I know has ever had an affair (and she would argue they were technically separated as living together apart), however no-one else I know would even consider it. Late 30s, early 40s for reference and not in the UK.

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 09:44

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 09:20

That's not what I said at all. It's not "nice" and I'm not trying to justify or excuse it.

I would just think "he's leaving our 30 year marriage for a woman he barely knows, has no connection with, doesn't love" is worse, isn't it?

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Worse than being cheated on? Being lied to and manipulated and gaslighted in the pursuit of an affair? Really?

MadeForFun · 22/03/2023 09:59

uhOhOP · 22/03/2023 09:44

Worse than being cheated on? Being lied to and manipulated and gaslighted in the pursuit of an affair? Really?

Show quote history

That's assuming there was gaslighting and manipulation going on.

If the woman had no idea about the affair up until the point the husband announces he is leaving, the end result is still the same but at least it makes more "sense" in a way?