Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

The people on this thread are going to tell you that it's because life is sooo complicated and because humans just weren't made to be monogamous. They overlook the pain it causes the other person and the choices they are making and prefer to pretend as though it was outside their control.

@ReneBumsWombats

Is it less painful to be left for another person than to find out they're cheating and then have them leave?

You really have to ask that question?

Ok, I have another. Is it less painful to cut your hand off, or prick your finger?

Yes, I have to ask that question. If you're going to suffer all the heartbreak of being left for another anyway, does it make much difference if they slept together a few times before it happened?

Seems to me that if your hand is going to be cut off anyway, a finger prick beforehand isn't going to make much of a difference.

It quite clearly is attractive to her.

As Renewombats seems to think the treachery is not applicable to that poster, but she is willing to bear witness to it, or even participate in it.

Such as abuse or murder you can be a witness and participant, just because you didn't hold the knife doesn't mean you don't have culpability.

That poster is a complicit and a willing perpatrator of abuse, whether she or others choose to accept that is is an even further crime.

As Renewombats seems to think the treachery is not applicable to that poster

Well she'll need to speak for herself on that. My thought is just that since he hasn't been treacherous to her, it probably doesn't feature.

It quite clearly is attractive to her.

Again, she'd need to answer that, but I'll be very surprised if his cheating on his wife is what makes him attractive to her. It's likely nothing to do with the wife or how he treats her, and all about how he treats the poster herself. How he makes her feel. That's what it all comes down to, really.

And he's the married one, so it's on him.

Lots of things "don't extend to" the spouse, but many of them still come here to post about things giving them "the ick".

I must admit that is one of the most ignorant responses I've seen. (ReneWombat)

That's a serious lack of understanding and empathy that would really be applicable to a seven year old.
Seven year old being the age of concience, don't cha know.

Frightening.

@ReneBumsWombats

I think developing very strong loving feelings for someone else is a sign there is something up with the relationship. Depending on the situation, that means you either need to work extra hard (go to therapy, spend time on your partner and relationship) or if all else fails, leave. You don't need to act on those feelings with the other person, either during or immediately after the relationship.

You really don't understand do you.

Not sure I see the point of this. People get the ick for all sorts of reasons. But if you're willing to have an affair, then presumably being married isn't one of them for you.

I don't think people in this situation place so much of their feelings in the spouses. Well, obviously, otherwise they wouldn't do it. They're in it for how it makes them feel and what it fulfils in them. What that is differs between people and some situations are more sympathetic than others.

I'm not excusing it.

He's treacherous. I get it. It's not hard.

It's just that some people can't understand any response that explains, without justifying it, why that's not a deal breaker for some people. Even though plenty of people do it, so you wouldn't think the idea was so alien.

You're basically asking why she could be attracted to him when he treats his wife so badly. He's not treating her badly, and she's in this for how he makes her feel, not how he makes his wife feel.

Wrong, sure. Totally incomprehensible? I didn't think so, but maybe.

Yes! It does matter! Being left by your spouse is one thing. Being cheated on by them is something else altogether – on top of the cheating itself, there is likely also lying to your spouse, treating them like mug, and maybe even gaslighting them, which is abuse.

So if your husband left you because he'd fallen in love with someone else, you'd feel much better about it if he held off sleeping with her until after he'd dumped you?

I'm not being facetious. I just feel that if my husband dumped me for someone else, I'd be utterly heartbroken whether or not they shagged before he told me.

You quoted my comment but it seems as though you didn't actually read it.

And meanwhile your husband is being cheated on? Nice.

I don’t get why people can’t just leave a situation they’re unhappy in without pulling down their trousers for another man / woman first

I'm getting kind of bored of responses that are just variations of "you don't understand" without explaining what it is that I've apparently missed.

It's difficult Rene trying to communicate with someone who clearly has a lack of empathy, .

You can't argue about different levels of morality or integrity, it's something which is inate.

You don't understand other people's pain but many do, we can't teach you that.

Arguing that the sex etc outweighs harming another human being, especially other women with children and hard lives is pointless, we have to agree to disagree.

For those of us that do adhere to not hurting innocent victims all we can do is hope for one that our husbands turn out to be not harmful and also the people they mix with.
To be surrounded by two unmerciful people I can tell you is a nightmare I would'nt wish on anyone.

The context for it was in reply to another's post, and some people do brag about their affairs, so why is it absurd to presume otherwise ?

I take it he's cheating on you then.

I'm getting kind of bored of responses that are just variations of "you
don't understand" without explaining what it is that I've apparently
missed.

You are asking questions then not listening to responses, that's up to you but you are answering with the disregard of someone so fixed in their views about something you clearly have not experienced.

You cannot have experienced the pain of adultery, no person that has would not understand the devastation involved and be quite so flippant. It's the normalizing, the shallow glib comments that cause offence to actual victims.

It's pointless, come back when it happens to you, even with all your understanding maybe even you will be hurt, it's about commitment and being committed to a married man doesn't cut it.
That's not pain, not even close.

🤣🤣🤣

Well, yeah, I told you that cheating might very well involve lying, treating your spouse like a mug, and gaslighting your spouse, and then you ask me – essentially – if I'd feel better if he didn't do those things!

@GirlySwot73 has already found a way to convince herself that she's "only 'with' one person, not two" because she and her husband don't love each other. She believes it's possible to argue that she's therefore not actually cheating. (Also, she "would never cheat on someone [she] loved".)

@ReneBumsWombats Is it less painful to be left for another person than to find out they're cheating and then have them leave?

Of course it’s less painful. Physical cheating involves the realisation that your right to informed sexual consent has been removed from you, you have been put at risk of STDs, you’ve had your emotional and mental safety put at risk by someone you loved and trusted. You’ve had your personal agency taken, your right to make decisions about your life with full disclosure. it is not just ‘heart breaking’ (which is such a minimising term when it comes to infidelity) it is utterly traumatic and why many suffer trauma symptoms after.