Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

Well I don't see how he's being treacherous to her. You'd be better off asking that question of a betrayed wife who takes back her chesting husband.

It's on him. He's responsible for breaking his commitment and you don't seem to be wondering why he would be attracted to a woman who's willing to have sex with him.

They're more common than you think. Just think of all the people you know who have cheated, then think of all the threads on this website, then think of all the ones that you don't know about because people are good at keeping secrets.

Some people have affairs to fill the void in their marriage. Their marriage only survives because of one person having an affair to fill that gap, as demonstrated by your bf. Until it gets discovered of course.

As for your bf, I'm surprised this doesn't concern you. Someone who is able to live a double life for that long isn't someone I would trust, especially when he's friends with a group of men who all normalise that kind of behaviour.

^
^
SO this! ^

@TomeTome, you said it so much better than I did!

I don't see why it's more strange that women have affairs than men. Despite how it can seem on MN sometimes, women are, in general, no more moral than men.

I'm going solely on personal observations here, so nothing empirical, but it does seem to me that men get caught more than women. I think they're more complacent.

There's no reason why a woman shouldn't want all the same heady experiences of an affair as a man does. It's wrong, obviously, but I don't see why the things that appeal to men shouldn't appeal to women too.

"Her" as in @MadeForFun? I didn't say he was "being treacherous to her" 🤣 How has such a simple comment been misunderstood twice?

In this scenario, his wife apparently doesn't know, so she isn't actually taking back a cheating husband.

And if the man were here on this thread talking about having an affair, I would be telling him, too, that it's unfair to his wife. But he's not, is he.

Usually it's said men do it , thinking of their pickle, or the prestige with their friends etc, but usually it's presumed the ladies would be more faithful ?

I work in a male dominated industry. Affairs within my workplace were rife. So many people hooking up on work socials. Every month I was learning of different relationships happening in the workplace. People in their 20's and 30's with young children and babies to those in their 40's and 50's. The affairs didn't discriminate. My own CEO of a massive company used to try it on with all the young female graduates whilst he stayed in the city during the week and then would go back to his wife and children at the weekend. Another director got caught in the office with his secretary bent over the table.

After a while nothing surprised me.

The same with cocaine use really too. I'm now surprised if somebody doesn't take drugs and cheat than if they do as it was absolutely commonplace.

In this vein, I don’t think cheating is particularly wrong from a moral perspective, I’m not that invested in what other people do with their genitals, but I wouldn’t personally cheat - and nor would I knowingly have sex with somebody who was in a relationship - because I’m motivated by my own self-preservation and lack of desire to invite that kind of drama into my life when it likely gets discovered. I like my life exactly the way it is and don’t need somebody’s angry wife in my DMs, nor the hurt and fallout it would cause with my DH.

Anecdotally, the people I know of who have cheated have been the moral types who were very vocal about how much they despise betrayal. They still cheated: they just justified it to themselves as not being betrayal because their partner had also wronged them somehow, or not kept up their side of the marital contract by withholding sex, or they’d fallen out of love so it didn’t really count as cheating. So-called morals are fallible and malleable. I suspect people who just like their nice lives too much to potentially ruin them are a safer bet as non-cheats!

I haven't misunderstood anything, it's not difficult. What you don't understand, hence your asking, is why Emma is attracted to John even though he's lying to Paula. Essentially, you're asking Emma why her attraction to John isn't dictated by his treatment of Paula.

Is John a bad lot? Probably. But I really, really doubt that you are equally mystified as to why John is attracted to Emma, despite her being the sort of person to sleep with a married man.

So who is the "her" in your "well I don't see how he is being treacherous to her" comment?

So it's basically tickle the bean, and tickle the pickle so to speak, if you reduce the complexity of why humans have affairs ?

The poster sleeping with him. The OW.

He's not, as far as I can see, being treacherous to her.

They have affairs for much the same reason they have other relationships and sexual encounters. Because of what it makes them feel, for whatever reasons.

If you must reduce the complexity of sex and intimacy down to those silly and quite icky phrases, then go ahead. But whatever it is that drives men to enjoy them drives women too. It's just that everyone understands why men like to tickle the pickle, yet they're suddenly totally mystified when it comes to women. She must have no morals, she must be

Am in my thirties and don't know of any full blown affairs in married couples/ couples with kids, including those who have broken up. Maybe it gets more common in forties.

So you did misunderstand.

Hit post by accident.

She must have no morals, she must be stupid, she must have no self-esteem...anything other than the most obvious thing, which is that she has a sex and intimacy drive and whatever fulfilment men get from theirs, she gets too.

@Ryanstartedthefire2

I'm definitely in the minority here but none of my friends or family have had an affair.

Yes they have.

No. I understand that you're saying he's treacherous. Really, it wasn't difficult.

I'm just saying that thar treachery does not, as yet, extend to her. And that you wouldn't ask the husband why he's attracted to the poster when he shouldn't be.

My first paragraph and last sentence reference men. The rest could apply to either sex indulging in an affairs so hardly misogynistic.

If EITHER sex knowingly get involved sexually with someone who they know to be married then yes, they are a trade down as decent people with morals and integrity don't shag married others.

Affairs are not the answer and usually end badly after hurting innocent parties.

One thing I don't understand with affairs is why not leave before anything happens and just don't cheat?

But I didn't say it does extend to her, did I? I simply asked her if treachery is attractive to her.

Is it less painful to be left for another person than to find out they're cheating and then have them leave?

@Hawkins003

Usually it's said men do it , thinking of their pickle, or the prestige with their friends etc, but usually it's presumed the ladies would be more faithful ?

Strange post

There are many reasons why people have affairs, but to gain the prestige of your friends? That's absurd.

Yes. And I responded that since the treachery didn't extend to her, it's likely she doesn't see it as an issue. And that you wouldn't ask the MM if/why he's attracted to a woman who sleeps with married men.