Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

There's so much misogyny in this post that it's depressing. Men shit on their families, and all you can talk about is how women hate each other and should be "loyal" to each other. You're actually a cheating MM's dream. Have you any idea how much they'll laugh to see this?

Why does a random woman owe you more loyalty than your husband? Why do you believe that the only way to hold a man 100% responsible for where he puts his dick is to shag him?

@MadeForFun I don't prescribe to the person in a relationship is only responsible for the damage caused by an affair.

Generally in life people who are decent don't partake in a situations/actions that will harm someone else.

For 4 years you have done just that and for "transactional" great sex. It's a perfect example of the selfishness of people who engage in affairs and how skewed their moral compass is.

The removal of informed consent from the spouse partner makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. Most people in long term relationships don't use condoms and the thoughts of my husband being inside someone else them coming home to me honestly makes me want to vomit. There is no way I would willing have sex with him if I knew he was sticking in god knows were for months and years on end. But alot of people in affairs get off on that type of shit. The adultery board on reddit honestly would brake your believe in other people with stuff that is on there that is being done to unsuspecting spouses.

I can’t believe how many people are saying they are sure that no one they know would ever dream of having an affair.

You are wrong.

Even without knowing your family and friends I can guarantee that someone you know is having an affair.

One of the strongest/longest couples in my family: turned out he was having a full blown affair for years. You NEVER would have guessed.

So take away gaslighting and manipulation, even take away lying, and you're still left with cheating. And I'm supposed to feel neutral about the cheating, exactly the same as if he had left me without cheating on me? What?

Why would a betrayed woman be trying to rationalise being cheated on? There is always the option for a person to not cheat, so whatever excuses people are going to respond with – not enough sex, unhappy, and all the rest of it – * *just aren't good enough because you can also end a relationship because of those same problems.

I think you are confusing fact with your opinion. Nothing is ever 100% clear cut. As I am sure you know.

I totally understand where you're coming from, but I don't understand how this makes me selfish?

He is the one choosing to have sex with me. He is the one choosing to then go home and have unprotected sex with his wife. I'm not responsible for his actions when he leaves my bedroom. It's his marriage and his decision to do what he's doing.

Like I said, I'm not proud of the fact I'm sleeping with a married man and I certainly don't get a "kick" out of him being married. His home life is simply none of my business.

@MadeForFun how have either of you not developed feelings after such a long time?

I think you are confusing fact with your opinion. Nothing is ever 100% clear cut. As I am sure you know.

Eh?

What are you actually opposing in what I have said.

The fact that ow dislike wives and wives dislike ow ?

Why is it not clear cut ?

She says he's actually totally not what she would go for in a partner. @MadeForFun, there must be something quite fantastic about the sex if you wouldn't even look twice at the man for a relationship.

I think you are confusing fact with your opinion. Nothing is ever 100% clear cut. As I am sure you know.

So basically you have no argument against what I have said.

I think you are confusing a rebuttal against a weak non comment.

She can speak for herself, of course, but I don't see any evidence that MadeForFun dislikes her AP's wife. She (the wife) just seems irrelevant to the relationship she has with the MM.

This is something I was getting at earlier and probably not explaining very well. Some posters seem to think that OW define their relationship with the MM by his relationship with the wife. That OW are actively attracted to the treachery towards the wife, that OW hate wives, etc etc.

I've no doubt it's true sometimes. I can think of a few posters who have shared their horrifying stories on here. But I really think that in most cases, it's like the one we're seeing here. The OW doesn't hate the wife, doesn't love the fact that the MM is a traitor to her or anything like that. She's just not really thinking about it. It's about her relationship with him and how he makes her feel.

Of course it's wrong, but in most cases, I really don't think it's as personal as some people think. I don't think most cheating MM are actively getting off on being shits to their wives either.

I beilieve there is a deep hatred on here of wives from ow, merely because they prevent them from attaining what they want and it is the only safe space for them to vent their frustrations out (thanks to the moderators on here), because in the real world they have no one except the one person who is letting them down, the affair partner

In all the threads I have read on this subject on here, I don’t ever recall hearing any OW expressing any hatred for wives. I have heard OW saying they don’t really think about the wife at all. I have heard vitriolic, vicious hatred from wives to OW on a frequent basis.

Some OW will want to become the primary partner. Many others will have chosen a married man as the limited parameters of the relationship suit them and their circumstances.

So you are saying 100% of OW hate the wives? Is that a fact?

For him to have a choice to have sex with you, you have to be willing no?

It's highly likely after such a long marriage/children if your affair comes out it will cause harm to his wife & children. For there to be an affair there has to be an affair partner along with the person in a relationship.

Like I said its one of the few things in life that causes harm to other people that the AF feels that their role in causing that harm can be brushed off because they aren't in the relationship. The partner obviously owes there spouse the most in the situation but basic human decency of how to treat people and not to cause them harm doesn't apply to either the people in the affair.

If what you are doing isn't wrong why arent you proud of it? Generally that is a feeling associated with the fact people know a decision they have made or actions they have taken is wrong.

It's selfish because despite the fact the actions you are taking part in, the sneaking around to keep his secret, the meetings up when he can get away by lying etc will undoubtedly cause some one else harm, you continue to do it because how it makes you feel ie good is more important than the hurt and damage it may cause to someone else.

He is worse. In fact what I would write about him would probably get me banned but not to worry his wife should just be happy he isn't leaving her and "only" partaking in great transactional sex in your bedroom.

See, I have this annoying thing called a “conscience” that causes me all kinds of angst when I realise I’m complicit in conspiring against another person. I understand not everyone suffers from such an affliction and I can’t really rationally explain it, but it was it is and a mental disorder I have to live with. Perhaps it’s just a social construct and I should get therapy. shrugs

See, I have this annoying thing called a “conscience” that causes me all kinds of angst when I realise I’m complicit in conspiring against another person.

That's great. You have a conscience, so you'll never betray your wife. Other women could run naked into your arms, won't matter. You're upholding your own commitment, so all will be well.

What's the worst thing to call an ow...

A mysogynist.

So predictable, it's the only thing they hide behind here, their love of women and how dare wives hate them so much when there are men to hate instead.

Well wives do dislike ow, but I also believe that those ow who abuse wives along with their ap's, dislike and disrespect all other women.

Wives have a deeper respect for all women, we would not dream of harming a family unit just for sex, we are above that, we have respect for ourselves, our bodies, our children and woman kind.

Just because you don't, don't expect us to like you just because it's expected we should like all women, we don't.

And also going by the many threads on here supporting ow and their vindication of any blame involving an affair, does show your very apparent views that you are not supporters of women at all, your loyalty to women is flakey and non existant.
Oh and mm are being shits to their wives, if you don't think men use ow to get back at their wives you are sadly mistaken, however ow like to think it's about love, it's not in most cases, you only delude yourselves.

So yes there is a lot to be angry about for ow, they are used and many of them do come here and talk for there is no where else for them to go, they are voiceless in the outside world, silenced by their own prison of guilt and shame whereas wives are respected and ow hate them for that, it's very apparent.

Well, I certainly hope so. Worked well so far. I strongly suspect, having looked in the mirror, that I have nothing to fear from women randomly throwing myself naked into my arms, so there’s that.

Anyway, that’s kind of missing my point - which was less to do with resisting temptation and more not feeling an ounce of guilt about being complicit in something that conspires against another person.

*themselves - obviously!

Wives have a deeper respect for all women, we would not dream of harming a family unit just for sex

Really? All of you?

It's totally irrelevant, though. If all married people chose to uphold their commitments, there'd be no infidelity. Attempting to guilt trip an OW over it just dilutes that responsibility and actually makes him more likely to cheat. Why wouldn't wouldn't, if random women are more beholden to his own wife than he is?

Why would you want a spouse whose only reason for being faithful is a lack of opportunity? What's that worth?

So you are saying 100% of OW hate the wives? Is that a fact?

I would say some actually physically hate the wives.
Some hate the wive's respectability.
Some hate their advantages.
Many on here do not dare say they hate the wife as they would be promptly shouted down.

And I think many do not even dare admit to themselves that they dislike the wife, because they know it's so wrong.
Many like to lie stating they don't even think about the wife, she's an afterthought, but God they like battling on here with the surrogate wives

So yes, probably a high percentage.

Because, as has been pointed out to you many times, many OW just don’t give wives any headspace at all. They like the uncomplicated, part time nature of an affair. They don’t want the man for anything other than that.

You seem to be projecting your own hatred of OW, and assuming they must feel the same about you.

And often, an OW will be a wife herself. It’s not a clear cut division.

I have literally never seen the threads you reference. I think what is happening is that you see women pointing out the misogyny in focusing hatred on OW and you assume these people must be OW ‘battling’ with wives.

You have created this weird world in your head of saintly wives that everyone likes, and bitter, envious outcast OW. You obviously have your own motivations for this, and your own pain behind it, but it’s really not a recognizable world.

I'd imagine when a OW wants a man to leave their wife and the MM won't they may start to have negative feelings towards the wife but when OW is seeing meeting the MM its not about anyone else just how they make each other feel. Surely the MM tell the women they love them etc etc so until an OW is putting pressure on i doubt they think much about the wife..