Are affairs common ?

[Livelifelaughter]

My bf told me very early on in our relationship that he had a dysfunctional marriage with no sex or emotional intimacy for 15 plus years. He had affairs and ended the marriage when his children left home. He is highly educated, successful and attractive. He has a group of male friends who he has know for over 25 years, he tells me that most have had affairs too and some simply because they wanted some novelty others because they had stayed in broken marriages for the sake of their children.

He also said that the women involved with him were married as well.

I find him completely trust worthy and he tells me if he's meeting a female friend etc. But my question is, how common are affairs? Maybe I live in a conservative bubble where this is just the stuff movies ?

if random women are more beholden to his own wife than he is

I never said that. Of course he has a responsibility - more so because he’s the one who made the commitment.

But, personally, if someone asks me to participate in actions I know are conspiring against another person, I feel guilty about doing so. The fact it’s more one party’s responsibility doesn’t prevent my conscience giving me an icky feeling about choosing to involve myself intimately in the affair.

I’d feel the same if a friend asked me to provide a false alibi so they could see their AP. Ultimately it’s they’re responsibility - however neither could I look the other way and be fine thinking “we’ll none of my business guv”.

Its just how I’m wired.

But you're not just trying to explain how you feel personally. You're trying to guilt trip a woman into feeling she's at least as responsible for a man's marriage as he is.

And in so doing, you're diluting the real responsibility here, which is his. Priming the world for him to keep cheating.

And that kind of thinking also leads to the kind of weapon level misogyny we are seeing on this thread right now.

His choice is really the only one that can destroy the marriage. Stop trying to guilt trip women and save it for married people who actually made promises to break.

So saying I’d feel icky about participating in shady behaviour where someone is conspired against is guilt tripping women?

Uh. Ok.

*Because, as has been pointed out to you many times, many OW just don’t
give wives any headspace at all. They like the uncomplicated, part time
nature of an affair. They don’t want the man for anything other than
that.

You seem to be projecting your own hatred of OW, and assuming they must feel the same about you.

And often, an OW will be a wife herself. It’s not a clear cut division.*

And I am disagreeing with you, how many times do I need to point that out to you.
So the only headspace you have is for cock, really, no other thoughts pop into ow's heads during affairs, so focused are your feelings on the menz that you cannot possibly take into account that you are purpitatators of abuse.

Well that's handy.

Absolute rubbish, I bet when you are in an affair with all the subterfuge, lying, decieving, time tabling and tip toeing arround the wife that you think of her very much.
You the intruder make it your buisness to know every detail of when your scummy ap's will be available, I bet many of you know the wife's itinery better than her own kids or family.

The lies you tell yourselves to make out you're so cool with being second servings and second best is pittiful.

Projecting my arse, I'm telling you I don't like ow, I don't need to hide behind rediculous phrases, along with your obvious comment wives are also ow, yes we know.

So are you telling me you love wives who hate you, do you like me ? No I don't think so, when one group dislikes another group, they tend to dislike them back, hide behind the personel statements of "oh I never think about her"
yeah, like crap you don't.

No. Responding directly to a woman who is giving an affair with a faux-casual and sarcastic "I don't know about you but I have a conscience, just the way I'm wired" is a transparent guilt trip. Stop pretending it's not.

The MM is a shit here and that's all that matters. The only person with any power to crap on the marriage is him.

I feel like you also have no idea what the man is telling the OW. He could be saying his marriage is over, his wife is terrible, abusive, cheating on him herself etc. I doubt they approach the OW saying my marriage is great, we still have lots of sex etc.

WidthofaLine, what is the point of anyone engaging with you when you are already determined that you know what they're thinking and they're just lying if they say otherwise?

You said I'd never been cheated on and that I'm an OW. Wrong and wrong. You told another poster you didn't believe her when she said she has no bad feelings towards her AP's wife. You decided OW all hate wives and when people said that, on here at least, the opposite appears to be true, you claimed that OW just don't admit it even when they admit to affairs.

What's the point of talking to you?

No really this is the real world, MN is just a blanket comment space for misogyny, it's full of middle class ow excusing themselves for affairs and men hating women who will stand behind any woman regardless of the hurt they inflict.

Yours is an ideal world where all women must stand together even after the crime or fact.
Real life isn't like that, people are judged by their actions and behaviour, not what's written on a page and if that does not suit your agenda and not make you feel justified for the choices that you have made then that is your problem.

Stop using misogyny to excuse abuse.

And please don't insult me by calling wives saintly, you are exagerating the point to belittle me.

That's the problem with some ow, they are such know it alls, there's an arrogance to many of you.

You’ve just proved my point that you assume women who take issue with what you say, must be OW themselves.

And proved it again!

Thedarkestblue is also an OW?

Come and sit by me. I'm also one of those women who had no idea they were an OW until WidthofaLine told me.

I'm also married, though. Shit. Am I a goodie or a baddie?

The MM is a shit here and that’s all that matters

Respectfully, I disagree. This isn’t a zero-sum game. I never said she was more or soley to blame - that’s your projection. However, two people can still be culpable even if by differing degrees and absolving anyone - male, female or alternative- of any requirement to think of others is, in my opinion, never healthy and only leads to bad things.

It is not "projection" to point out a flaw in your reasoning and I'd appreciate it if you didn't pretend you were being "respectful". I don't need you to add that. You can just disagree and make an attempt to invalidate what I'm saying as "projection" without it. I'd find that more "respectful", actually.

What you are saying is that I, to some degree, am responsible for your marriage and how you treat your wife. I am not. You are.

I am not even obliged to respect marriage as an institution. I'm allowed to think it's restrictive and unnatural, reject it entirely and not allow it to dictate who I sleep with. As long as I don't actually marry someone and betray them, that's fine. As long as all the people who did marry, and therefore took on the obligation, refuse me, then all is well.

Because we've been clear about our arrangement right from the start.

Obviously I do care about him, like you would your best friend. I'd be there for him if he needed my help and support.

There's never been any feelings of romantic love on either side because we both know that's not what our "relationship" is to each other.

Thank you @ReneBumsWombats You've explained this much more eloquently than I ever could.

You just don't get it, do you?

You’ve just proved my point that you assume women who take issue with what you say, must be OW themselves.

I don't give a shit who they are, we all know the people who protect and excuse ow.

I really don't care if ow want to stay in their little protective bubble in the outside world but on here you want to remain protected yet voice your sordid behaviour with arrogance and I too can have an opposing voice to point out and prick your concience.

You need it because many of the ow on here don't think it through fully, what they give up for the menz and their beating hearts.
Really in time you may regret your actions but fight away for your right to abuse and deny culpability.

One of my inlaws did that and years later she's still the laughing stock of the family including grandchildren calling her the family bike behind her back. The real world exists, neighbours notice, friends do too, family, children watching endless men being secretly shipped into the house, uncle so and so who just happens to live with a woman down the road but we musn't talk to him if we bump into him outside the home. Tick, children an accessory.

The problem is ow think people are idiots and they are clever, well I'd have another think about that, you intellegent, independant free thinking ladies, the losses you are accruing maybe invisible now but in years to come they maybe shuddering to look back on.

In the last 4 years I have found a lot more affairs being conducted within our social circle. This year alone 2 of my closest friends have found that their husbands have been unfaithful.

Marriages and relationships are hard work. They're also much more complicated than the standard wedding vow of "I will be faithful".

That being said, to me, when you agree to marry someone you know the expectation is that you will be faithful. If you can't or won't do that then just don't marry them!

I too can have an opposing voice to point out and prick your concience.

She isn't an OW. What exactly are you trying to, er, prick?

Do you think the way you're speaking to people on here will make them feel guilty for not doing as you want?

You just don't get it, do you?

Don't I ?

What exactly don't I get, am I not laying down and yielding to your point of view, that's bullying behaviour.

How can a supporter of pupitrators of abuse call me ignorant, you are reversing the victim status, is this DARVO or just plain gaslighting.

State your case what crime have I commited ?

This honestly can't be real.

That's honestly how betrayed people feel when ow try to justifty their behaviour.

Makes no sense and is so absurd it's laughable.

You just don't get it, do you?

Is that all you say ?

I hope you're not an ow, you're not very entertaining are you ?

It's just reams and reams of misogynistic screed blaming women for everything men do. And the only reason anyone might counter it is because they're an OW. You literally can't understand any other reason.

Even being cheated on doesn't cause a person to have that level of brain-stunting woman hate. It was there already, albeit probably latent. How terrifying.

Cheating men will love it, though.

@TossaCointoyerWitcha

Oh stop pandering to them Tossa, I know men are terrified of saying anything on here but really they should be made of sterner stuff, they expect others to be...

You're wasting your breath talking of concience to this audience, maybe these women remind you of someone. 😉