My relationship with 7 year old daughter is breaking down and I don’t know what to do anymore. Please offer some support if you can.

[Myfirstborn]

Please be kind this is killing me.

I share a daughter, 7, with my ex, she was 3 when I left due to abuse. He took it to court but was found guilty and after a few years no access and a bit of supervised access has been given every other weekend. I and he have new relationships. I’ve been with mine a few years and in the beginning his and her relationship was lovely.

Everything is slowly going downhill. Especially since contact has started. Daughter was always a little difficult. I don’t blame her. For the first 3 years when her parents were together her dad abused her mum and he manipulated dd. Her dad would not parent with me and said it’s his job to be the good cop and me the bad. He would do no naughty step, but buy, feed her what she wanted, let her do what she wanted. If that meant she had a whole six pack of crisps then so be it. Narcissistic behaviour really. He was manipulating her, he needed her love. When the judge denied him contact I must admit I felt guilty and perhaps was too gentle on her in those early years. I’ve made a rod for my own back people tell me. But these behaviours were visible before the contact stopped when she was 3.

This behaviour has just got worse and worse. She disrespects me on a daily basis. She has told me to die. She lies, cheats, steals in order to get what she wants, at all costs really. She doesn’t care if things get taken away or she can’t have it later as long as she gets it at that point. She is awful to my partner now, says she hates him ( she used to say she loved him and gave him cuddles). Their relationship is breaking down. He also sees how she treats me and he finds it upsetting.

If she wants something she will just take it despite me telling her she needs to ask. When I say anything to her I just get I will tell my dad on you and he will come and shout at you. When she gets told off or called out she will react with anger and will then blame her outburst on me, or whoever calls her out. She is doing it at school also. If someone takes something from her because she refuses to share she will bite them or push them. She will blame her reaction on them. She if asked will not feel sorry or understand that hurting another isn’t kind.

I ordered her some age appropriate books last week to read to her. One was called Kindness is my super power. She saw it on the table and said I know why you bought me this then proceeded to throw it in the bin saying I don’t want to be kind.

I feel awful saying it and I try so desperately to word it in this way but I hate her behaviour. I don’t like taking her around family for dinners etc as she will make her cousins cry when she constantly cheats on games. She steals others sweets etc. She says things eg for Mother’s Day yesterday we went to the in-laws for dinner and she looked up at the table and went “urgh are we still here”. She was then told no more cake so she stole 3
in the end that she got caught out.

I don’t know what to do. I’m guessing that our differing parent techniques has done this. Her father puts her on a pedestal and manipulates this for his advantage. She has always loved it, who wouldn’t rather do and get what they want. I try and enforce boundaries but it’s not working. I try and teach her consequences but she doesn’t get it at all. She didn’t even want to spend Mother’s Day with me, she wanted to go to her dads so she can get bought toys and he doesn’t make me do anything. When I told her that she’d be with mummy yesterday she got so angry at me. I must admit I got a bit teary, that’s my little girl.

I feel I’m loosing her.

@Badger1970 just 5 months. I don’t think she would hurt her.

When did she start contact with her Dad?

I really feel for you and your family. What he is doing to her is severe emotional abuse. The crying, the threats, no wonder she doesn't know how to handle it. I imagine on some level she feels very scared and confused.

Please don't blame your own parenting. This behaviour is the result of abuse - adding a layer of unnecessary guilt is just gonna make you feel under pressure and not help.

Look into therapeutic parenting. This is taught to foster parents of kids who have been abused. The approach to things like distinctive is very different - "standard" discipline techniques are counterproductive for a kid who is traumatiser and believes they are bad.

Obviously document everything and do what you can to get his contact reduced, although I know that may not be possible. Try to get therapy for her.

I'd try to react less to the behaviours that obviously come from him. Like if she says "if you do that my daddy will hurt you", it's not her being unkind, she's reporting a truth as she's been taught it. React neutrality "I hear what you're saying". Unless she's putting someone in danger, I'd prioritise accepting her over trying to change her behaviour. At the moment she can feel your disapproval but her other parent is teaching her that she should behave this way, she is caught between two people and can't do right by both of you, and as a child she'll interpret that as either you are bad, or she is bad. I'd be simply explaining my actions "my job is to keep you safe, so we can't do that." "My job is to keep you healthy" and reflecting and validating her emotions "it's okay to want what you want. It makes sense that you feel angry".

If she feels deep acceptance and safety, then she will be more able to start to explore what is going on and think critically. To learn emotional regulation and empathy she needs a base of felt safety first.

Have you read much about attachment disorders, OP? She is presenting with behaviours which are very often seen in children with atypical attachment presentations and her background and circumstances would support this as a possible cause. It’s worth reading on parenting approaches for children with attachment disorder (one thing is that traditional rewards/consequences rarely work with them). Dan Hughes is a psychologist who specialises in attachment and has written some brilliant books to support parents.

I would also consider asking school/GP to refer you to Early Help (or you may be able to do this yourself). That way you can access targeted support from professionals without paying privately.

I think there's a lot going on here. But I can see how things have turned out as they are. It's very very hard (nearly impossible) to navigate a situation where things are so horrendous with your child's father. Then in turn his behaviour towards your child and yourself. Then add a new partner and a second child. All this on top of the trauma you must have already felt. I say this from the perspective of someone who has been in a very similar situation to yourself. My 2 children were also abused by their father, he also tried to alienate them from me, which effected their behaviour. They no longer see him as the courts awarded a no contact order.
It's hard to know where to turn for the best. I would how ever be very concerned by her threatening to kill the baby and also pulling down a child's trousers. The school should have had massive safeguarding conserns about the trouser issue! Your child 100% needs some professional help. She sounds angry, confused and lacks boundaries. This is something school can help with, they certainly helped my children who had the same issues. They sort funding and had someone come in and do special work with the children. It helped them no end.
What I did get from your posts (hope you don't mind me saying). Is that the ex partner still has a massive presences in your home. He clearly still occupies a lot of your thoughts, feelings etc etc. I don't mean it in a romantic way, but you give him too much air time. You carn't change him, you carn't rationalise any situation with him. There is not a chance of co parenting with him. So please don't bother trying. He knows he still has a lot of power over you and that you're daughters behaviour bothers you. Your daughter is also continuing that power that her father has over you.
The whole thing just sounds so so heavy so heavy and dark.
Who cares if her father gets a dog, likes craft stuff or camper vans.if his intentions aren't legitimate them he will fall flat on his face sooner or later. Children actually like rules and boundaries as it helps them feel safe. He can continue with not putting any in place but you know as well as I do, it won't last.
When she says things like " daddy will buy me a new one" or " daddy will do this or that". Don't react, she's looking for a reaction, don't give it. Or have some stock answers, such as "o ok then".
I think it needs to be stripped back. Look at the flash points. The points where your daughter struggles. Eg if hand over is very stressful, get a 3rd party involved. (I used to use a child minder) then the kids don't need to see Thier parents together as their father couldn't help but be abusive! It also reduced my stress levels down. Think about how she acts strait after she sees him. If she's in a heightened state, think about how best to deal with it. Eg maybe cook her fav meal or play a game, listen to music. What ever soothes her.
You have a traumatized 7 year old. Honestly things like picking up her toys really aren't important. You need to be choosing your battles with her.

If you want to chat more feel free to PM me.

As someone else has suggested. Therapeutic parenting is the way to go 💯%. That's the way I parent my children and it's really helped them. But it takes a lot of patients and knowledge that your in it for the long game.
I also think you know what she can and can not handle, eg she's going to ask for more chocolate raisins. So pre empty the situation by only giving her a a small bag to start with, there for she can eat them all.
There are free parenting classes you can attend, these will only empower you, as they did me.
Don't think if her behaviour as disrespectful or naughty, there's no battle to be had or no fight to win. You're just trying to help your child sort her emotions out. Also if your daughter keeps on saying she wants to live with dad. Say that's fine, she can make that choice when she's an adult. Don't be emotionally driven.

She sounds extremely clever and I think you need to understand that she is and explain things in a pretty adult way. Getting her books about being kind doesn't cut it. You need to explain in adult terms that people have to respect other people and just getting everything you want isn't the way the world works. She is obviously manipulating you all and can do because she is really smart.

So she follows rules at school, and follows dad's non existing rules but she only acts up at home?

That suggest to me that home is her safe space, where she can let off steam.

I picked up on the 'I'm bad', she isn't bad, she just needs to follow the rules. The rules are different in different places.

Have you tried options? So after she has been tot he toilet she can either wash her hands or use a wet wipe.

She has to get dressed but she can wear A or B.

Do you do anything fun together just the two of you? That can make a huge difference to your relationship. I know that's not easy with a baby but you gert time with the baby when your DD is at her dad's.

@sashh i do try and do things with her but the baby is currently stuck to me. It’s difficult to keep her occupied, she flits from toy to toy never really sticking it doing anything unless she is with someone . They say the same at school she has no independent focus. With the toilet she simply runs off and forgets every time. She runs off everywhere not putting much focus on what she is doing.

I repeatedly tell her she is not bad but she needs to follow the rules. She finds constant excuses as to why she breaks a rule. The problem is what she is doing is getting more dangerous. Eg yesterday instead of asking to have her apple cut (that she took without asking) she went and got out knives and tried herself then denied it but it was all over the floor. She is tall now and can pretty much get what she wants whilst climbing up things. I’ve told her we need to trust each other.

Her dad even though manipulative spends more one to one time on his days. The girlfriend has the baby and he is free. It’s harder for me as I’m the mummy.

She had 3 years no contact and in that time she was off with me. A few times we went camping and her behaviour was so bad we brought her back one time to my mum and we went back. She refused to do anything. When she was told it was bedtime and to come away from the the park she went mad, told me to go swim in the lake and drown, screaming at me. She found another lady who she followed around and said I wish she was my mum. She would sit with her and look and smile at me. She does that all the time always saying why can’t you be like them, they are kinder than you, they let me do what I want. Obviously they don’t know her or they aren’t her mum. I am the only person, well me and my partner who enforce rules and she hates him now also unless he does what she wants.

There’s a lot of really sensible advice here.

Children who have experienced trauma and a lot of change often display a need to assert control and follow their own agenda. This is because such behaviour provides them with a sense of safety and security- if they are in control then they know what to expect and can protect themselves. Understanding what drives such behaviour is helpful in understanding that it’s not ‘bad’ or ‘being naughty’, is serving a very really purpose for your daughter- it’s keeping her safe.

It sounds like professional support would be really helpful for you and your DD here. Approaches to consider might be:

• GP referral to CAMHS to access professional support (waiting lists generally very long). Ask school SENCO if they can refer to Educational Psychologist (ditto long waiting lists).This will support understanding her social and emotional difficulties and how these are linked to other areas of her development eg difficulty with focus and attention etc.

• Therapeutic intervention- family therapy for you and her? Theraplay, therapeutic parenting. Is it an option to go private? Is it available through school? Or maybe through accessing Early Help Support via children’s social care? Look on the local offer on your local authority website

• Support between school and home- making sure school understand your DD’s background and needs and have an appropriate support plan in place to meet her needs. It sounds like interactions with peers can be tricky and she needs support from adults which acknowledges this and teaches her strategies she can apply to help her etc. You could ask for a meeting with SENCo in the first instance as it sounds like school are brushing you off a bit.

• Think carefully about using rewards- if she doesn’t get her sticker it’s reinforcing, from her perspective, that’s she’s not good enough and failed again. Setting her up to succeed as a PP mentioned and acknowledging her feelings and positive behaviour and strengths is an alternative approach that supports developing positive self esteem and self regulation.

The Simple Guide to Child Trauma: What It Is and How to Help (Simple Guides) [[https://amzn.eu/d/2PVpaXz amzn.eu/d/2PVpaXz is really accessible as are her other books on attachment and attentional difficulties.

Hang on in the @Myfirstborn - it sounds like you are doing your absolute best to support your daughter and it’s extremely hard. Part of this is understanding what’s going on so you work out what works for her and you.

So her first 3 years were spent witnessing your ex abuse you.
Then ex moved out.
After a year-ish your new partner moved in.
Two years on, contact with her Dad starts.
Five months ago a new baby arrives.

You say that many of the issues started before contact with her Dad began. I don't think her problems are due to re-starting contact. You need to get a GP appointment as soon as possible to discuss all this.

Yes I agree she has had to deal with a great deal and the behaviours have deteriorated or new ones added. My love for her is not enough. I thought I was providing safety by leaving and stopping contact, which in ways I have. She was not presented with my partner for a long time and I tried to do it the slowest I could. I did not and was not looking for anyone. I met someone by accident who made my world better. He makes me be a better person because of who he is. He is an asset although I can see how she must feel about this. They had a great relationship before the dads contact was reintroduced but he is destroying it.

I can see differently her behaviour after reading the replies. I think she does behave like this because it gives her power and safety. I thought she maybe just blamed me but I’m wrong. I will change the way I parent her.