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Original poster

Is this friendship worth it? DP and my male friend.

121 replies

Winemygoodenemy · 20/03/2023 07:52

I have been with my DP for a year. He is amazing, kind generous and loving and I see a future with him.

I have a male good friend of 4 years. I actually met this friend via OLD. We had a fling of a few months. It ended as we realised we were better as friends - the sexual side disappeared and we realise we saw each other only as friends. We get on really well and been supporting of each other through tough times.

I was honest with my DP how we met and assured him there was only friendship. They have met and get on, but DP can be less friendly with him. DP thinks it’s weird I am friends with a fling, but says he trusts me. He did say when I told him, he was slightly jealous but understood.

the other day I was at my friends. Was waiting on DP texting me to say when he would be home after work and I would head over as he wasn’t sure if he would need to work late. We talked about it that morning. I have a key and said I would head over at normal time, but DP said no as was with friend, no point leaving early if he was having too work late. He knew I was seeing this friend.

DP called as planned but I missed his phone call. Called back after 15 minutes, no answer. Sent a text asking if was he was finished. He read the text, but no answer, so I called a few more times 30 mins later. When he eventually answered he had a go at me as he was driving, in petrol station and on phone to others so why call him.

I left to go to his and when I walked through the door he had a go at me for not answering the phone whilst I was at my friends. He was basically saying I was too distracted at my friends. This is unusual as DP is normally very relaxed and I am honest when I say I am seeing friend. I only see him once or twice a month. I asked him if he was upset I was at friends. No answer. He changed the subject and didn’t want to talk about it.

I have now realised that DP will change subject when I talk about my friend - it’s not all the time. DP says friend is an idiot as he can’t seem to function in a relationship. Admittedly friend always seems to have drama in relationships. Tried to discuss and DP says it’s weird we are friends, but can see how we get on and he is not jealous or threatened. But his behaviour suggests otherwise.

So I am now wondering is it worth it to stay friends if it’s upsetting DP? I am not one for ignoring friends in a relationship. I think k it’s important to have own social life. I have started to talk less about friend as it’s clearly upsetting DP, but I don’t want to hide my friend. I am seeing my friend less too.

What I do?

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 20/03/2023 07:58

I can see where your partner is coming from. He is tolerating the fact that you are friends with someone you used to have sex with! Turn the tables and ask yourself if you’d be comfortable with it?! He is doing his best to be fine with it but you weren’t available when he rang so obviously his mind is in overdrive. I’m in no way saying not to be friends with your ex- shag by the way !

Fromage · 20/03/2023 08:03

I don't know of your friendship is worth it, but I think your relationship with your jealous, babyish, sulking, gaslighting dp is most definitely not.

Duvethider · 20/03/2023 08:07

Hmm I can see why DP feels the way he does. Do you really want/need to see this friend 1 on 1 in their own home? Perhaps you can meet him out in public or see him in a group situation with others involved. Can’t say I’d be happy about you hanging out 1 on 1
in his house that you presumably used to shag im
tbh!! Think you’re expecting a lot of tolerance from
your DP and when you didn’t answer it’s just pushed him too far. We all have different boundaries at the end of the day but I’m more in line with your DPs boundaries.

Mortimercat · 20/03/2023 08:11

I think you are expecting a lot and he has shown a reasonable amount of acceptance. But no, I cannot say my husband spending evenings in the house of an ex is something that I would be cool about.

corblimeym8 · 20/03/2023 08:12

Your DP is not unreasonable to feel weird about it. So you met on OLD and conveniently, neither was attracted to each other. I think it's possible your friend was still interested at the time.

I also wouldn't be chilling with a male friend one on one at their house when I'm in a relationship. Some people do, but no, I wouldn't. Wouldn't like it if my DP did either.

He should have spoken more maturely but I can understand the annoyance

gannett · 20/03/2023 08:15

I couldn't deal with that level or irrational jealousy in a partner. Any partner who had a problem with me seeing my friends, male or female, former fling or not, in whatever setting I please, would be out the door so fast.

It's perfectly normal to have a fling with someone and realise very quickly you're unsuited to be in a relationship. This is fairly common among most social circles I've been in. I'm still friends with a couple of former flings. Pretty sure DP is as well. Also perfectly normal to stay friends with actual exes. And it's bizarre to insist that you can only socialise with them in public or if other people are there - I thought we were centuries past the need for chaperones.

Ultimately the reason DP has no problem with me hanging out with men I've had sex with - and vice versa - even at their homes with no one else there, is because he trusts me and I trust him. If your partner doesn't trust you then it's not a great foundation for the relationship, but - let me be very clear - the problem is him, not you.

Your behaviour would only be inappropriate if you actually cheated, which it doesn't sound like either you or your friend have any intention of.

daimtheman · 20/03/2023 08:19

What the fuck am I reading here. People still don't think you can be friends with people or the opposite sex or exes? Mumsnet is honestly like another planet sometimes.
People cutting off mates for new partners, ditching every hint of a social life etc

There's only one person acting poorly here and it's the boyfriend.

This friend was around before the boyfriend and if they still wanted to be together, they could have been.

Don't ditch your friend for this jealous, sulking man child.

daimtheman · 20/03/2023 08:21

corblimeym8 · 20/03/2023 08:12

Your DP is not unreasonable to feel weird about it. So you met on OLD and conveniently, neither was attracted to each other. I think it's possible your friend was still interested at the time.

I also wouldn't be chilling with a male friend one on one at their house when I'm in a relationship. Some people do, but no, I wouldn't. Wouldn't like it if my DP did either.

He should have spoken more maturely but I can understand the annoyance

Sorry but that's fucking mental. What is wrong with you? Women can be alone with men without falling on their dicks.

corblimeym8 · 20/03/2023 08:24

Sorry, I have a different opinion to you is that allowed @daimtheman

No, I wouldn't be sitting around in an ex date's house if I have a DP. It's a respect thing, not a cheating thing. The fact that I apply the same rules to MYSLEF and not just my partner is evidence of this. FFS.

Deathbyfluffy · 20/03/2023 08:25

Fromage · 20/03/2023 08:03

I don't know of your friendship is worth it, but I think your relationship with your jealous, babyish, sulking, gaslighting dp is most definitely not.

If this was the other way around, everyone would be telling the OP that the man was definitely still shagging the friend, they need to run and that they can do better!

Deathbyfluffy · 20/03/2023 08:27

daimtheman · 20/03/2023 08:21

Sorry but that's fucking mental. What is wrong with you? Women can be alone with men without falling on their dicks.

Show quote history

I guess it’s a respect thing - some people respect their partners enough to have boundaries set at a level they’re both comfortable with, others will just scream ‘fucking mental’ and do what they want without thought for the other person.

🙂

corblimeym8 · 20/03/2023 08:27

We already know there are dozens of mumsetters who would share a bed with their male friend, as I've seen elsewhere. So not surprising that not spending time alone in a male friend's house is 'mental' to some.

I'd still be friends. But not hang out at their house. Social life is not over yet because there's this magical thing called being friends with other women.

Bansheed · 20/03/2023 08:28

I would.ditch your mate. My DP and have other mates but see them for the odd coffee or meal out. It is about respect. I would not go to a man's house alone and he wouldn't do the same with a woman either

ganvough · 20/03/2023 08:30

I don't think that a friendship that started as a fling will ever be a truly platonic friendship. So the norm rules of engagement regarding friendships doesn't apply here. You didn't meet because of school, work, hobby - you met on a dating app and then slept together for a while.

I wouldn't date someone who was so close to an ex fling that they were hanging out in their home alone. Love isn't rational but it's what causes someone to commit a life, finances, house, kids etc to someone for 40-50+ years! So i wouldn't hang out with ex-ex or flings and wouldn't date anyone who did. Life is complicated enough without adding this unnecessary layer of drama to it.

It depends how important this friendship is to you at the end of the day. Not every friendship needs to last a lifetime and I hope you do have other friends not met on a dating app...Because to me, if you have an attraction to someone you've acted on, and a close emotional connection - how is that materially different to your relationship?

aSofaNearYou · 20/03/2023 08:33

Hmmm, I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with him, but I'd probably be uncomfortable with it too in your DPs shoes.

Being totally honest if it genuinely was a totally platonic friendship I probably wouldn't have mentioned that we once slept together. He's human, and the image will always be in his mind when he thinks of you together as a result, which is just unnecessary really if there's nothing there.

Opentooffers · 20/03/2023 08:34

I think if you were being considerate, you might of ensured that your phone was on you for answering when at your friends house on your own ( unless the signal drops out at his). I think most people would wonder at why you need to be there at all on some level.
Your DP has tried to be cool about it, but clearly it's a boundary that he has that's been pushed and that's fine.
Think what's most important, 4 years isn't really a long friendship, so it's up to you which choice you make - dial it down or quit all together, or dump the BF.
I don't think it's all that necessary to have the urge to talk about this particular friend to your BF, and it seems a reasonable compromise to not do in return for keeping the friendship if that's enough to ally your BF's fears why not?
If you chose your DP over your friendship, just keep half an eye on how he is generally with interactions with men you have, that you haven't slept with ever. If he starts getting twitched by men who aren't exes then that is a problem, but as this one is an ex, and you're not seeing him because he's part of a friendship group, I can see why it's seen as odd you are still in contact tbh.

ganvough · 20/03/2023 08:36

Also to say it wasn't one time sex. You met, had attraction, slept together, decided you liked it and then slept together over a few months. It only stopped because you realised the relationship didn't work - not because your attraction died.

That's a hard sell to anyone.

Mateyduck · 20/03/2023 08:36

SunflowerTed · 20/03/2023 07:58

I can see where your partner is coming from. He is tolerating the fact that you are friends with someone you used to have sex with! Turn the tables and ask yourself if you’d be comfortable with it?! He is doing his best to be fine with it but you weren’t available when he rang so obviously his mind is in overdrive. I’m in no way saying not to be friends with your ex- shag by the way !

This. I wouldn’t be happy for my DH to be friends with someone he had a fling with. Would you? If not, there is your answer

BartsLongLostBro · 20/03/2023 08:42

4yr friendship via 1yr BF.
Hmm.
Your bf is insecure.

gannett · 20/03/2023 08:43

I don't think that a friendship that started as a fling will ever be a truly platonic friendship

Quite a lot of evidence to suggest they can.

I had a fling about 16 years ago with a guy in my social circle. He's attractive, we had similar tastes in a lot of things so would often end up at gigs and clubs together. The sex was OK enough for a fling but not exactly life-changing. As soon as we started the fling it became apparent we weren't compatible in a relationship. We wanted completely different things out of life and while we chatted happily out and about, it always felt weird and awkward trying to be domestic together. It fizzled out but we stayed friends and carried on going to the same gigs etc. A few years later I met DP. Hasn't affected my friendship with the former fling (who's now married) at all. Still sometimes go to gigs with him. He's great to chat to. Have no desire to rekindle something that didn't burn that strongly in the first place, and have never sensed any desire on his part for that either.

StopStartStop · 20/03/2023 08:46

DP - sack him.
Friend, ex-fling - sack him, too.

Have a fresh start.

daimtheman · 20/03/2023 08:49

@Deathbyfluffy I can assure you my partner would agree with me. We respect each other and we also have trust. If we were going to cheat, we would cheat. We're not so weak we can't be alone with the opposite sex without shagging them.

We're also not ultra right, Christian fundamentalists which is the only people I heard this stuff from before I joined Mumsnet.

What do gay couples do? Can bi people be allowed to have any friends at all? 😄

daimtheman · 20/03/2023 08:50

corblimeym8 · 20/03/2023 08:24

Sorry, I have a different opinion to you is that allowed @daimtheman

No, I wouldn't be sitting around in an ex date's house if I have a DP. It's a respect thing, not a cheating thing. The fact that I apply the same rules to MYSLEF and not just my partner is evidence of this. FFS.

But why is it disrespectful? I genuinely don't understand this.

CaroleSinger · 20/03/2023 08:55

BartsLongLostBro · 20/03/2023 08:42

4yr friendship via 1yr BF.
Hmm.
Your bf is insecure.

Hardly surprising. Wouldn't you be insecure if your partner was socialising with someone they used to have sex with and didn't see an issue with rubbing your face in it a couple of times a month?

barmycatmum · 20/03/2023 08:57

i just don’t feel it’s appropriate to hang out alone with a former lover without your partner when you’re in a committed relationship.
I know others feel differently , but I would ask of myself the same thing I’d ask of my partner, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable if he continually hung out with someone he had had a fling with.

it’s odd, and it is a bit like triangulating.

I don’t think it’s necessary to “ditch” the friend, but cooling it off and giving a bit of distance would be respectful.

at the same time, your partner is acting like a bit of a twat. I am wondering if that’s a red flag. Just seems so childish to snap at you and have a go at you, when a mature person would talk it out.

so I am not sure. I wouldn’t stay with a man who behaved this way with me, but take my advice with a grain or a bucketful of salt, as I have a very low tolerance for any kind of red flag in men. One small sight of anything, and OUT they go.

best of luck sorting it, OP. For what it’s worth, there’s no excuse for your partner to talk to you that way and then stonewall.

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