Is this friendship worth it? DP and my male friend.

[Winemygoodenemy]

I have been with my DP for a year. He is amazing, kind generous and loving and I see a future with him.

I have a male good friend of 4 years. I actually met this friend via OLD. We had a fling of a few months. It ended as we realised we were better as friends - the sexual side disappeared and we realise we saw each other only as friends. We get on really well and been supporting of each other through tough times.

I was honest with my DP how we met and assured him there was only friendship. They have met and get on, but DP can be less friendly with him. DP thinks it’s weird I am friends with a fling, but says he trusts me. He did say when I told him, he was slightly jealous but understood.

the other day I was at my friends. Was waiting on DP texting me to say when he would be home after work and I would head over as he wasn’t sure if he would need to work late. We talked about it that morning. I have a key and said I would head over at normal time, but DP said no as was with friend, no point leaving early if he was having too work late. He knew I was seeing this friend.

DP called as planned but I missed his phone call. Called back after 15 minutes, no answer. Sent a text asking if was he was finished. He read the text, but no answer, so I called a few more times 30 mins later. When he eventually answered he had a go at me as he was driving, in petrol station and on phone to others so why call him.

I left to go to his and when I walked through the door he had a go at me for not answering the phone whilst I was at my friends. He was basically saying I was too distracted at my friends. This is unusual as DP is normally very relaxed and I am honest when I say I am seeing friend. I only see him once or twice a month. I asked him if he was upset I was at friends. No answer. He changed the subject and didn’t want to talk about it.

I have now realised that DP will change subject when I talk about my friend - it’s not all the time. DP says friend is an idiot as he can’t seem to function in a relationship. Admittedly friend always seems to have drama in relationships. Tried to discuss and DP says it’s weird we are friends, but can see how we get on and he is not jealous or threatened. But his behaviour suggests otherwise.

So I am now wondering is it worth it to stay friends if it’s upsetting DP? I am not one for ignoring friends in a relationship. I think k it’s important to have own social life. I have started to talk less about friend as it’s clearly upsetting DP, but I don’t want to hide my friend. I am seeing my friend less too.

What I do?

Good post, @TedMullins. Good friendships, with either sex, are like gold.

Your friend probably can't maintain a relationship because he's too friendly with you, maybe his female partners have bounderies which include not having you round at his house.

Your partner sounds quite reasonable to me, there are many people who would not like such a close friendship with an ex lover to continue, would you be ok with your partner visiting his ex's home.

It's up to your DP really if he doesn't like it he can jog on, can't he.

So within the first year is he is giving you the cold shoulder and being nasty for spending time with a friend, so starting to show his true colours. I wonder what else is on his list to make sure you’re his controlled little package.

I'm not sure how you'd feel if your DP was so close to his ex? I feel it must be a horrible position to be in, and people aren't perfect so he's rightfully jealous and probably feeling all sorts of difficult feelings. I don't think it's fair to expect to have this friendship with someone you used to sleep with (is this friend of yours single?) and everyone to be just fine with it.

Be very careful of asking relationship advice on mumsnet....you will always get an overwhelming amount if replies saying LTB, he's a horrible person etc. it's the knee jerk response on here from a lot if angry and hurt people who hang out on the relationship board. It's very easy to easy out relationship ending advise on an anonymous forum.

Unfortunately MN is full of insecure women who don't understand a man qnd woman can be just friends and wouldn't allow their OH to have a female Friend without accusations of an affair. In the real world however I'd get rid of the insecure bf, you've known your friend longer and he should respect that, not "tolerate it" as a PP said.

You made that up... nobody said men and women can't be friends from what I can see, not even her partner. There's nothing wrong with actually being a good partner and not having an attitude. Or calling anyone who disagrees insecure and making strawman arguments to win, like many other people on this thread have.

Being a good partner means not jumping straight to calling your partner insecure and controlling which ironically, is gaslighting behaviour.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

Backtracking? Am I really or do you simply not understand the difference between a generalised statement and opinion (spoiler- you don't). You're really clutching at straws huh to have an argument with someone whose opinion you disagree with. Even though it doesn't impact you at all.

I have to agree with this sentence.

Are you the controlling one op ?

Maybe your DP needs to escape from the gaslighting.

It takes 2 to conduct an argument Ganvough, so any irritation you have for being disagreed with should also extend to yourself for disagreeing with me.

You made a generalised statement, I can no longer be arsed to clarify that for you, you are entitled to your opinion, but not to gainsay the facts of other people's experience.

I would also say that if I were looking for a partner I think I would bank on your DP being a better bet for safety, loyalty and respect.

Yes, out of the two of you I would choose your partner, but that's just a personal preference of my vetting system.

@cont yes, all posters saying they wouldn't like their DP to have this kind of friendship screams of insecurity, why else would they have a problem with it? The only reason I can think of is because they think they're bound to jump in bed with each other as soon as they get the chance.

You have such an unbelievably narrow view, I can't even be bothered to engage. And why did you misrepresent the whole argument, claiming earlier that the issue was male friends to bolster your point?

You really can't see anyone's POV, at all and I'm amazed. Others have put it well. You can do whatever you like in your relationship but you genuinely can't fathom why someone might think this arrangement is inappropriate?

Imagine waving bye to your partner and kids to go and watch a movie at a ex boyfriends house. It would be different maybe meeting for coffee. But it's a level of intimacy that some people just aren't ok with. Others have given examples which I agree with

I can assure you that this would be an entirely normal event in my life. Why exactly does it strike you as so odd? Is a film somehow intimate, or is it the fact that you’re in a man’s house, with a bed just up the stairs???

I don’t think I am controlling. I just asked a question after an odd interaction.

friend and I have no interest in being a couple. We don’t work, just became friends in an odd way.

if it’s of any interest. Both on different sofas his child was in the house. We chatted and played a game, showed off his new air fryer, moaned about life. I talked about plans with DP lots and excitedly showed where I am going on holiday with DP.

think that’s normal friends stuff.

Yes of course that's normal 'friends stuff' except you've been intimate with this man. So evenings spent curled up on the sofa at home with the kids sounds pretty cozy.

If you cannot see or accept that this might be difficult for your DP to swallow then you are very uncaring and lack empathy.

Is your friend single?

What the fuck am I reading here. People still don't think you can be friends with people or the opposite sex or exes? Mumsnet is honestly like another planet sometimes.

A different planet compared to which one exactly?
Because in real life on planet earth a huge amount of people aren't comfortable with their partner being close to their exes.

I genuinely only encounter this on here and while I grasp that Mn is composed of actual people (well, purportedly), I know a lot of people across the five countries I’ve lived in in adulthood, and the majority have opposite-sex friends without anyone appearing to think it odd. I do wonder whether ruling out men as friends is related to how many Mners complain of being friendless and lonely.

@cont you can't seem to fathom my point of view either clearly. I disagree with people having a problem with being friends in this situation, it's not difficult to understand.