Is this friendship worth it? DP and my male friend.

[Winemygoodenemy]

I have been with my DP for a year. He is amazing, kind generous and loving and I see a future with him.

I have a male good friend of 4 years. I actually met this friend via OLD. We had a fling of a few months. It ended as we realised we were better as friends - the sexual side disappeared and we realise we saw each other only as friends. We get on really well and been supporting of each other through tough times.

I was honest with my DP how we met and assured him there was only friendship. They have met and get on, but DP can be less friendly with him. DP thinks it’s weird I am friends with a fling, but says he trusts me. He did say when I told him, he was slightly jealous but understood.

the other day I was at my friends. Was waiting on DP texting me to say when he would be home after work and I would head over as he wasn’t sure if he would need to work late. We talked about it that morning. I have a key and said I would head over at normal time, but DP said no as was with friend, no point leaving early if he was having too work late. He knew I was seeing this friend.

DP called as planned but I missed his phone call. Called back after 15 minutes, no answer. Sent a text asking if was he was finished. He read the text, but no answer, so I called a few more times 30 mins later. When he eventually answered he had a go at me as he was driving, in petrol station and on phone to others so why call him.

I left to go to his and when I walked through the door he had a go at me for not answering the phone whilst I was at my friends. He was basically saying I was too distracted at my friends. This is unusual as DP is normally very relaxed and I am honest when I say I am seeing friend. I only see him once or twice a month. I asked him if he was upset I was at friends. No answer. He changed the subject and didn’t want to talk about it.

I have now realised that DP will change subject when I talk about my friend - it’s not all the time. DP says friend is an idiot as he can’t seem to function in a relationship. Admittedly friend always seems to have drama in relationships. Tried to discuss and DP says it’s weird we are friends, but can see how we get on and he is not jealous or threatened. But his behaviour suggests otherwise.

So I am now wondering is it worth it to stay friends if it’s upsetting DP? I am not one for ignoring friends in a relationship. I think k it’s important to have own social life. I have started to talk less about friend as it’s clearly upsetting DP, but I don’t want to hide my friend. I am seeing my friend less too.

What I do?

Ignore all these man haters. He sounds normal and sounds like a good relationship. A bit of jealousy never harmed anyone

Can people on this thread honestly not see shades of grey? Seeing a recent-ish ex fling alone in his home however innocently is not the same as seeing an ex as part of a book group/ canoe club or whatever, or an old classmate in a coffee shop whether or not you had a snog behind the bike sheds 20 years ago! Not saying OP is doing anything wrong but I certainly don't think it makes the DP unreasonably jealous to be a bit uneasy. Why the rush to pathologise his feelings rather than see how they can figure it out?

They way he handled it is

Ffs, no edit button!

The way he handled it is what concerns me.
He didn't explain it makes him uncomfortable and talk it through. He acted like a possessive and petulant child. There's the red flag.

What he did wrong was pretend he was OK with it when actually, he wasn't and then he boiled over. It's irrelevant what everyone on this board is ok with. He isn't. And he can either ask you to change things in your friendship so he's more comfortable, and you can agree to or not. Or he can leave. Its not unreasonable to say you aren't comfortable with something and request a change. That's basic relating. His behaviour was uncalled for. But many people really don't know how to ask for things or say what isn't OK in a reasonable manner.

My dh and I are still friends with exes. I suppose its because we both had the same good taste in previous partners that led us to be able to sustain a 27 year marriage. We trust each other because we—and our previous partners, are trustworthy people. If you and bf are monogamous and trustworthy an ex is no different than any other good friend. If your bf doesn’t trust you that will inevitably include new friends and acquaintances eventually. Its a question of who bf is, not who you are socializing with

This!!! Well said.

I'm not defining what your relationships are? I'm stating how I define my relationships to the OP and explaining why I think what I think to you (because YOU challenged it). It shouldn't bother or affect you what I think.

I get the points about him not handling this well, I really do. It looks like he's tried to accept the situation in full, rather than appear jealous as it's quite a new relationship when perhaps he could have questioned it. But then wouldn't that look controlling in practice?

I just don't see some of the equivalences drawn on the thread. He doesn't seem to have a problem with OP and her friend in principle, it seems to just be how the friendship is conducted.

Several posters have essentially said 'I wouldn't accept any jealousy. Either a partner trusts me or they don't'. Fine. That's their prerogative. But if their DP went to life drawing where their ex was the model, or on a holiday to the Seychelles a deux, or went round to give them an aromatherapy massage once a week then im sure that would raise their hackles a lot more than just catching up over a pint or as part of a walking group even if they didn't think any sex was taking place. I know those are silly examples, it's just to make the point thst there are degrees of friendship and intimacy. I'm just not sure that the DP is being unreasonable here in terms of his feelings. In an ideal world none of us would snap but if this is the first time, I'm not sure it is necessarily the sign of a controlling or abusive character and I think the OP could do more to help ease things.

Yeah you were.
You made a generalised statement -
I still maintain that it isn't a platonic friendship if one of the party has been inside the other.

If you were talking only about your own relationships, you would have said so.
Instead, you looked to impose your view as the only acceptable one.
Whatever agreements you want to come to with your own partner is great - for you - but you don't get to universally pronounce what other people's friendships are made of.

Yep, agree with all of this. And your right about the last bit- the fact he has opposite sex friends including exes shows and that he tried to be cool with OP's friend shows that he is not controlling imo. But to him, boundaries are crossed with the one-on-one alone time.

Can anyone say whether they'd be ok with the examples above, like holidays with an ex?

Or massages, since it's not cheating. So... it must be fine then?

This is spot on

This. What is it with MN that women cannot be friends with a man who's not their husband? How sad.

This. What is it with MN that women cannot be friends with a man who's not their husband? How sad.

Are all your male friends people you've had sex with previously? I can't think it gets much sadder than that tbh

Because that's what we're talking about here, not having friends of the opposite sex and boundaries agreed with your OH.

I think even OP said she's going to take her partner's views on board, if I'm not mistaken

This. This is genuinely one of the few things I think of as ‘only on Mn’ — nearly all my female friends have longterm, unproblematic friendships with men, including some exes. And to respond to @hugefanofcheese ’s points (which I think are quite odd)— I wouldn’t give a massage to any friend, male or female. I’m whatever the reverse of touchy-feely is. I have gone on holiday with male friends, one a longtime ago ex - not the Seychelles, which aren’t my idea of a good time, but to NY and Berlin and walking in the west of Ireland. No one fell onto anyone’s genitals. And, amusingly, I actually did a bit of life modelling when I was a student. Either being a life model or drawing one is absolutely the least erotic process on earth!

To @mumsys , I’d say that people who drop valued longterm friends for a relationship which, as the OP’s own experience demonstrates, may be very temporary, is a one-way street to likely loneliness.

What’s left over after a sexual relationship ends civilly is sometimes the makings of a durable friendship. Obviously sometimes you want to murder them, but not always. I certainly wouldn’t rule out exes in theory.

“Most” people don’t say that though. SOME people do. There have been many threads in here written by women concerned about their male partners having female friends and I, and many others, have told them to stop being so possessive and insecure when it was clear the friendships were out in the open and platonic.

OP is doing nothing wrong. So what, they had a fling. That does not mean either of them would repeat it. I have a friend I met on OLD 10 years ago (went on a few dates but didn’t shag) he moved to another country and I recently went to visit him for a week, staying in his flat, alone without my DP. DP is bi, and goes on holiday alone with his gay male best friend. He also had a female ex-crush stay over at his once as she was in town for work last minute and needed a place to stay.

Now, I’ve dated scumbags in the past who would CLAIM to only be offering a bed for the night to a friend but would hide other stuff from me and it would be clear they were lying, and they probably were shagging behind my back (of course I dumped them when this became apparent). But none of those things are a problem in my current relationship because we trust each other and everything is talked about openly.

I wouldn’t take kindly to anyone trying to dictate when and where I could see my friends - I made it clear when DP and I got together that I wanted a relationship that would fit around my life, not one I’d have to change myself or my life for. I would laugh at someone who said it was disrespectful for me to be in a house alone with a man (or a woman, as I am also bi) now I’m in a relationship. The key point is openness and honesty and it doesn’t seem like the OP has hidden anything about this friend from her BF, so he needs to get over it. If a partner ever gave me an ultimatum between them and a friend I’d pick the friend on a point of principle because that’s a slippery slope of letting someone isolate you from people.

You've actually quoted me saying "I still maintain".

In case the concept of "I" is alien to you - it indicates what "I" think/feel/do.

A universal/generalised statement would be "It isn't a platonic friendship if one of the party has been inside the other."

So when you see a statement that starts with "I", you are being told very clearly that those opinions are those of the person "I" refers to.

"I maintain that red is the best colour out there" - a personal opinion
"Red is the best colour out there" - a generalised statement

See the difference?

HTH.

I was in this very position nearly 30 years ago.
In the end I decided that I wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.
So I introduced my friend to my newly divorced Friend and drew back.
We ended up going to each others weddings too 4 or 5 years after that.
The last time we all socialised was at our housewarming party about 10 years ago.
No regrets.

@Inject please can you explain your thought process on this?

@TedMullins i agree. We tend to sort out our social life and work round each other. We naturally want to spend time together. He can’t dictate my friends.

Exactly.

Your semantic wriggling doesn't hold up, because still maintain that it isn't a platonic friendship if one of the party has been inside the other ... etc.
ie a universal/generalised statement, just as you say.

Prefacing that with "I maintain" doesn't alter the universality.

Nice to see you backtracking on it though.
As it's clearly not universally true, as evidenced by several PP.

It’s all about boundaries

i dont Think he’s a sulking man child actually

he has different boundaries on how he is with exes and ex shags