Is this friendship worth it? DP and my male friend.

[Winemygoodenemy]

I have been with my DP for a year. He is amazing, kind generous and loving and I see a future with him.

I have a male good friend of 4 years. I actually met this friend via OLD. We had a fling of a few months. It ended as we realised we were better as friends - the sexual side disappeared and we realise we saw each other only as friends. We get on really well and been supporting of each other through tough times.

I was honest with my DP how we met and assured him there was only friendship. They have met and get on, but DP can be less friendly with him. DP thinks it’s weird I am friends with a fling, but says he trusts me. He did say when I told him, he was slightly jealous but understood.

the other day I was at my friends. Was waiting on DP texting me to say when he would be home after work and I would head over as he wasn’t sure if he would need to work late. We talked about it that morning. I have a key and said I would head over at normal time, but DP said no as was with friend, no point leaving early if he was having too work late. He knew I was seeing this friend.

DP called as planned but I missed his phone call. Called back after 15 minutes, no answer. Sent a text asking if was he was finished. He read the text, but no answer, so I called a few more times 30 mins later. When he eventually answered he had a go at me as he was driving, in petrol station and on phone to others so why call him.

I left to go to his and when I walked through the door he had a go at me for not answering the phone whilst I was at my friends. He was basically saying I was too distracted at my friends. This is unusual as DP is normally very relaxed and I am honest when I say I am seeing friend. I only see him once or twice a month. I asked him if he was upset I was at friends. No answer. He changed the subject and didn’t want to talk about it.

I have now realised that DP will change subject when I talk about my friend - it’s not all the time. DP says friend is an idiot as he can’t seem to function in a relationship. Admittedly friend always seems to have drama in relationships. Tried to discuss and DP says it’s weird we are friends, but can see how we get on and he is not jealous or threatened. But his behaviour suggests otherwise.

So I am now wondering is it worth it to stay friends if it’s upsetting DP? I am not one for ignoring friends in a relationship. I think k it’s important to have own social life. I have started to talk less about friend as it’s clearly upsetting DP, but I don’t want to hide my friend. I am seeing my friend less too.

What I do?

Get rid of dp. His insecurities will dominate your relationship.

Your friend sounds kind and someone you still enjoy time with regardless of history.

Stay friends with both exes?

Now add to that that this is someone your partner was having sex with until fairly recently. You still wouldn't have the slightest issue with that? You'd be entirely comfortable with that? Come on! Of course you wouldn't feel comfortable with your wife socialising with someone she was having sex with before she met you.

Of course. And if he was out socialising with a woman he used to have sex with even though he knew OP wasn't comfortable with it you'd think she was just insecure and he should get rid of her...

I’d feel weird about it; within our wider social circle there is a woman DH had a fling with years ago, she’s married now and I know theres no threat there but it feels weird and while group situations are fine id feel weird if they met up just the two of them

I would never consider for a moment ending a good, sustaining longterm friendship for a sexual relationship that may be very temporary, regardless of the sex of the friend. Your boyfriend’s behaviour is childish and possessive and it sounds as if he has a temper. Is this how you see your future, trimming yourself down to fit his ideas? Two close male friends of mine are (long ago) exes. DH has no problem.

Agreed

Nice story but you didn’t start out as a fling. You started as friends, shagged, then went back to friends. Not what the PP you quoted meant so your story does nothing to “prove” your point.

I have two friends from years of OLD. One very close- short relationship but not compatible, and one good but less close who was a few dates and tbh a tipsy shag. Got on great but not a romantic match at all. It took me ages to meet someone and it's a lot of new people to meet without a couple of them sticking as friends. Neither live very close so I don't see them as often as you do.

I'm telling you that so you know I understand your position and have a couple of friends I met that way myself. I've been honest with DP too.

I also think your DP was out of line for missing your calls then having a go at you.

However, whilst I don't think you should jump to dropping the friendship, I think you should manage it in a way that considers your partner's feelings more. That's assuming this outburst isn't indicative of his usual behaviour and has never applied to your other friends.

It sounds like he takes your word that it's platonic and wants to trust you fully, but he has nagging feelings about this. Twice a month is quite often to see each other especially if it's at his home. Going to an ex's house just the two of you for the evening is probably the worst thing you can do in terms of making this comfortable for your partner. Can you not meet in public, or with others there? Additionally, are you mentioning him overly often, going into great detail about his love life, dramas etc? You might not mean anything by it but it could easily read as mentionitis. I think you'll have a few posters saying your partner is a controlling arse, watch out, but I know this situation and feel you could compromise a lot more without losing the friendship. Think how you'd feel if your DP was going to an ex fling's house regularly, meeting her every couple of weeks and regaling you with stories of her madcap love life and commitment issues. You can say you'd be fine on here but really think. I can personally say it would give me pause.

Thanks all. Friend and I had ok sex. Wasn’t earth shattering. Wasn’t all the time during the fling as he has issues there and not repeated itself since. I have no desire to go there again and I am sure he doesn’t too. DP is amazing in this department, but there is love and connection too.

DP is not normally huffy and is not controlling. Only huffy with this. This was the first time he has had a go at me. it wasn’t over my friend, but I think it was deep down.

I don’t want to lose a good friend. But I love my DP. Think I will reduce talking about friend and but be honest when we meet up.

DP has lots of female friends and is in a hobby group with his ex that he dated for over a year. I don’t mind as I trust him. You f we don’t trust each other what’s the point!

DP has lots of female friends and is in a hobby group with his ex that he dated for over a year.
So he’s allowed to see his ex’s socially but you’re not? Fuck the double standards here like.

Is your Dp spending alone time with his ex in her home though? Being in social contact is not the same as a deep emotional connection and alone time with an ex fling.

And also - are you so confident that if your friend falls madly in love with a woman who meets his emotional needs, he'll still want the friendship with you? Is he holding on because he hasn't met his person yet or because he genuinely values his friendship as something he can't get from a long term partner? Just like your relationship with DP might not work out, neither might your friendship. And that's how you judge whether it's a true friendship or one just based on circumstances/need at this time.

@ganvough we have stayed friends when dating others. He was in a relationship for over a year and we still stayed friends. I am confident this is a platonic friendship.

"Sorry but that's fucking mental. What is wrong with you? Women can be alone with men without falling on their dicks."

of course @daimtheman - but these guys have already been doing the dick falling dance, so it's really not the same.

OP if the relationship is really worth it, let the friendship cool a bit

Depends if they see each other alone at home regularly tbh. That's different to in a hobby group. It's all fine saying everyone can do whatever they please but there are nuances in terms of what would affect a partner's feelings and sense of security.

You've also said his relationships are full of drama which means none of them were serious or settled or long term... Men can be different with the woman they think is their future, the person they decide they're committing to - particularly if that women offers him the stability and emotional support you do. Just something to think about if you've never seen him in a serious, drama free, long term, settled relationship this entire time.

To be fair to him, he hasn't told OP that she's not allowed to see her ex. It obviously is a problem for him, but he's desperately trying for it not to be, so the anger and annoyance is leaking out in other ways.

Personally, I can't be fucking arsed with jealousy in a relationship, so I'd be out the door regardless, but I do think this a nuanced situation. He's seeing his ex in public, as part of a hobby group. She's seeing her ex frequently one to one round his house. They're very different situation so boyfriend isn't a complete hypocrite here

There is no way I'd accept this from my husband.

Women can be friends with whoever they choose to be friends with. Providing you are not shagging him or sexually attracted to him, it is categorically not your boyfriend's business who you see or don't see. And vice versa of course

Marriage/ a relationship isn't some sort of protected glass dome, where all contact with the opposite sex must be immediately stopped or kept to a cordial message once a year

So I'd say, ditch the boyfriend and see your friend.

We honestly do women such a disservice when we pander to men's jealous wants and whinings in this way

Don't ever curtail your life for a man. Trust me, it'll make you feel resentful in the end

I think its a big red flag that your partner behaved like this after not being able to get through to you on the phone once. It doesn't bode well for the relationship and after only a year it may be worth wrapping this one up and finding someone less insecure.

I had an ex that would stay in touch with her exe's for one reason or another . Call in little practical favours when she needed them. Had a fwb relationship with one of them, exchanged nude pictures from 20 years earlier with another. Personally I found it weird but each to their own. I think in this particular case you will probably have to choose which is more important to you. Your boyfriend is unhappy about it, right or wrong but that's the way it is. You can guarantee the weight of opinion would be the other way round if the tables were turned.

@ganvough I don’t see my future with my friend. I view him like a brother. I see his repeated patterns and find that unattractive.

my DP has nothing to worry about there. I also don’t see my friend being attracted to me.

Question:

is flirting ok if you're not attracted or shagging? Where would you draw the line?

Should you never consider your partners feelings, because any curtailing on your single freedoms in jealously and possessive?

What does this have to do with women specifically when most people would say to LTB if this was a man visiting his ex-flings house?

The thing is @corblimeym8 , I approach this from being happily married to a secure man for a decade. He's attractive and personable and lovely etc and I honestly couldn't care less if he flirts with other women at work. I don't know if he does as I don't ask him. Might do now though

As an example that's quite relevant, I recently bumped into a old male friend from school. We were such good pals but I'd not seen him for 25 years. He's also married

He asked if I'd like to go for a bite to eat and a catch up. Yes I said

I came home, told my husband , told him that we used to snog each other behind the school youth club and we laughed about it. I've since seen him 3 times for a coffee

So I suppose the crucial word is trust. And a secure partner. Oh and being honest. I tell my husband this stuff - I don't ask him. I'm entirely my own person and I feel strongly that women (especially) should be able to do as they please - with the usual caveats

I'd never have an affair. I don't think my husband would have an affair.

And while that remains the case, I'll see who I like when I like

Nothing is more unattractive than an insecure adult man

@corblimeym8 i am considering my DPs feeling in this. But I also don’t want to lose a friend. Friend has supported me before DP was here. Friend is a friend, we just met on line.

DP has supported me through the worst experience in my life. He was amazing. I don’t want to lose DP

In a hobby group is different to spending time at their house

the poster earlier who said you probably just need to be more respectful has it spot on I think. Your partner isn’t comfortable but has put up with this, and I think you’d probably be wise to have a bit more of a boundary between you and friend. A bit less cosy

a woman in your husbands position would be supported and more than likely told to put her foot down and not allow it. I think he’s not unreasonable to feel off, and you could be nicer by just behaving a bit differently with your friend.

Ah you misunderstood my point.

I don't doubt it's platonic for you. I'm saying, you don't know if your friend would end the friendship if he meets a woman who offers him the exact things you are - emotional support and stability. Or if he meets a woman who has an issue with how close he is to you - would he end it then. Lots of men use female friends as surrogate gfs I.e emotional support, companionship, security without sex or commitment until they meet a serious gf who they get it from. It's sad but does happen.

You haven't seen him in a serious relationship, one without drama where he is content and focused on it. So you don't know if getting that that might make him need you less, or he might realise the emotional intimacy with you isn't needed when his gf offers it.

So don't jeopardise your relationship with DP over a friendship when you don't know how friend will treat you once he has his 'long term' relationship.