Is this friendship worth it? DP and my male friend.

[Winemygoodenemy]

I have been with my DP for a year. He is amazing, kind generous and loving and I see a future with him.

I have a male good friend of 4 years. I actually met this friend via OLD. We had a fling of a few months. It ended as we realised we were better as friends - the sexual side disappeared and we realise we saw each other only as friends. We get on really well and been supporting of each other through tough times.

I was honest with my DP how we met and assured him there was only friendship. They have met and get on, but DP can be less friendly with him. DP thinks it’s weird I am friends with a fling, but says he trusts me. He did say when I told him, he was slightly jealous but understood.

the other day I was at my friends. Was waiting on DP texting me to say when he would be home after work and I would head over as he wasn’t sure if he would need to work late. We talked about it that morning. I have a key and said I would head over at normal time, but DP said no as was with friend, no point leaving early if he was having too work late. He knew I was seeing this friend.

DP called as planned but I missed his phone call. Called back after 15 minutes, no answer. Sent a text asking if was he was finished. He read the text, but no answer, so I called a few more times 30 mins later. When he eventually answered he had a go at me as he was driving, in petrol station and on phone to others so why call him.

I left to go to his and when I walked through the door he had a go at me for not answering the phone whilst I was at my friends. He was basically saying I was too distracted at my friends. This is unusual as DP is normally very relaxed and I am honest when I say I am seeing friend. I only see him once or twice a month. I asked him if he was upset I was at friends. No answer. He changed the subject and didn’t want to talk about it.

I have now realised that DP will change subject when I talk about my friend - it’s not all the time. DP says friend is an idiot as he can’t seem to function in a relationship. Admittedly friend always seems to have drama in relationships. Tried to discuss and DP says it’s weird we are friends, but can see how we get on and he is not jealous or threatened. But his behaviour suggests otherwise.

So I am now wondering is it worth it to stay friends if it’s upsetting DP? I am not one for ignoring friends in a relationship. I think k it’s important to have own social life. I have started to talk less about friend as it’s clearly upsetting DP, but I don’t want to hide my friend. I am seeing my friend less too.

What I do?

I completely agree with @BatFaceOwl

I consider my partner's feelings in that DP doesn't mind who I'm friends with, how I spend time with them, whether I used to shag them etc. Because he trusts me. And vice versa.

But if he did mind, or if he acted like the OP's partner, then he wouldn't be my partner. Because I just wouldn't be in a relationship with someone whose feelings I think are unreasonable. I wouldn't want to have to take unreasonably jealous feelings into account in my life.

@gannett and that's just .. sensible isn't it? You're entirely right. You have nothing in a relationship without trust and when the trust is in place, you are literally free to do what you want.

The op should not have to choose between a boyfriend of a year and a male friend but it seems she has - by saying she will not talk as much to her friend

So the boyfriends tantrum pays off and the seeds of resentment are planted

Wouldn't work for me

@gannett your perfectly entitled to those standards in your real but not wanting your DO (of either sex) hanging round an ex's place isn't what I'd call unreasonably jealous. Unless you don't believe in monogamy at all, it's all along a continuum.

Opposite sex friends don't seem to be a problem, it's the specific boundaries of these friendships and doing something that makes him uncomfortable. He hasn't accused her of cheating, he just doesn't like it. Could have handled it better but it's normal to feel that way for most people.

I agree. Either way, the twat you’re in a relationship with has to go.

Flip the genders and everyone would be saying the man isn't just friends with the ex and they are still shagging, or at very least he should respect you and your feelings enough to end friendship.

I don’t necessarily agree my DPis being an Twat and had to go. an idiot maybe. As an earlier poster says, he is uncomfortable with it. Hence why I got them to meet. They do get on. It’s the history my DP doesn’t like.

it’s the first time he has been huffy over it. I need to be more considerate of his feelings. he says he trusts me. I trust him. He is not controlling And never goes in a huff if I miss a phone call. This was first time.

I've got a friend who I met the exact same way. We dated for a bit, it fizzled out but we stayed friends. I'm not remotely attracted to him any more, in fact the very thought that we used to be intimate makes me feel a bit sick!
He feels the same, he regularly tells me about his forays into dating and asks my advice

@louderthan do you have a partner? Do they understand?

I had two exes at my wedding, one was in the wedding party. An ex is an ex for a reason.

Obviously if it was a situation where there was still attraction or feelings that's different. I'm not some 'cool girlfriend' who doesn't care what their partner is up to.

But then I'm in a long term, respectful relationship.
I don't think my partner would cheat on me but fail to see how controlling their friendships would stop him.
If he wants to cheat he will, as would I. I don't need to visit my exes flat to do that.

I still haven't seen a really good argument against this friendship.

I got rid of a male friend when I met my DP because I just felt it was not appropriate. I knew this man about 6 years, met through friends of friends and we just got on well but it was a lot of flirting and I felt I owed it to my relationship to cut the friendship off as it was not really respectful to dp. He never queried it though.

I don't at the moment. If I did have one he'd have to accept the friendship, although I'd listen to any concerns and be understanding. Friend and I literally only dated for a couple of months, friendship has been completely platonic for nearly five years.

DP called as planned but I missed his phone call. Called back after 15 minutes, no answer. Sent a text asking if was he was finished. He read the text, but no answer, so I called a few more times 30 mins later. When he eventually answered he had a go at me as he was driving, in petrol station and on phone to others so why call him.
And so the controlling & unreasonable behaviour starts.
he expects you to be psychically aware of when he's in a petrol station etc?
He was punishing you for his own insecurity.

I left to go to his and when I walked through the door he had a go at me for not answering the phone whilst I was at my friends. He was basically saying I was too distracted at my friends.
You what now?
He seriously expects you to prioritise him even when he's not in the room?
He reckons he has the right to your constant attention?
He thinks you are not allowed to be "distracted" by other people in case he wants to ring you?

Can you see how batshit this is?

This is unusual as DP is normally very relaxed
Well he's not now.
He told you he was jealous. He's masked up til now but here you are - this is the real him.
This is how control & abuse starts.

and I am honest when I say I am seeing friend. I only see him once or twice a month. I asked him if he was upset I was at friends. No answer. He changed the subject and didn’t want to talk about it.
He can't talk about it because it will show how unreasonable he is being.
Instead he starts a row about petrol stations, you not dancing constant phone attendance on him, & how you must answer the phone to him immediately or there will be trouble.

So I am now wondering is it worth it to stay friends if it’s upsetting DP?
I am wondering if it's worth it to stay with DP if it means you have to lose your friends.
It won't stop with this one specific friend OP.
This kind of possessive control always, always escalates.

You are already considering losing a friend due to his coercion. This is exactly how he wants you to think. He is beginning the process of isolating you - a major building block in possessive abuse.

A 15 minute delay in returning a phone call warrants a torrent of illogical recriminations & demands that you not be distracted by your friends, because his need for immediate attention is more important than your social life?

DP called as planned but I missed his phone call.

Why did you miss the planned phone call?

I can understand your DP's point of view. You are not prioritising him at all.

Tolerating?

OP was friends with this guy before dating DP.
He knew that & chose to date her anyway.

Partners don't get to dictate who they tolerate you being friends with.
If they don't like it, they get to choose not to date you.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I am not or should expect to be at DPs click of his fingers at a moments notice. I was chatting to my friend and didn’t see his call. He called earlier than expected.

I don’t think he is isolating me. He is never that fussed when I am with other friends or this friend before

I don't think that a friendship that started as a fling will ever be a truly platonic friendship.

& I guarantee that it can, as I have a handful of male friends that I used to date/had a fling with.

Just because something is outside your personal experience, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

DP has lots of female friends and is in a hobby group with his ex that he dated for over a year. I don’t mind as I trust him.

So HE's allowed to socialise with exes, but you are not?

Unless you don't believe in monogamy at all, it's all along a continuum

I couldn't disagree with this sentence more. Cheating is a binary thing to me. There's a hard and obvious line. (For poly people, this line is in a different place, but it's still a hard and fast one.

And also - are you so confident that if your friend falls madly in love with a woman who meets his emotional needs, he'll still want the friendship with you?

You could wonder the same about a woman's female friends.
It's irrelevant.
OP can only value the friendship as it is now, not as it might be in some hypothetical future.

And those people would be just wrong about the flipped scenario as they are about this one.

I still maintain that it isn't a platonic friendship if one of the party has been inside the other. Because that's a level of intimacy that platonic friends wouldn't and shouldn't know about each other. Do people make these friendships work? Sure they do. But there are also open marriages that work well and plenty of people who don't believe that fits their view of commitment/marriage. There are also people who have great friends with benefit arrangements that stop and start depending on whether they're single or not.

Everyone has different boundaries and my opinion is a friendship that started off as sex is never truly platonic even if for some years/decades it might be. Once sex has happened it does forever change the dynamic/emotions/intimacy that once existed.

I still maintain that it isn't a platonic friendship if one of the party has been inside the other

You don't get to define what my friendships are.

Everyone has different boundaries and my opinion is a friendship that started off as sex is never truly platonic even if for some years/decades it might be. Once sex has happened it does forever change the dynamic/emotions/intimacy that once existed.

I also disagree with this, except "everyone has different boundaries" - which I suppose is the key here. If you and your partner are happy with the boundaries you set out, that's nothing to do with me; just as DP and I are happy with different boundaries.

In the context of this thread though - OP is clearly comfortable with having a male ex-fling as a close platonic friend, and doesn't consider it inappropriate. She's also comfortable with her partner having exes as platonic friends. So those are her natural boundaries. Her partner is trying to override them, and making her second-guess herself.

He's only just started doing it which is a warning sign for me: he got into this relationship knowing what OP's boundaries were, and being OK with them until suddenly he's not? If he wasn't happy with her boundaries he shouldn't have got involved at the start because it's not up to her to change them for him.

Hang on a minute... your DP sees his ex regularly? Please OP, point this out to him.
I certainly wouldn't cut my friend off.
It would be a mistake to chose your partner over your friend then wave him off to his activity where he sees his ex. Double standards or what? What do you think he will take from that?