Male perspective with OLD

[Shunter350]

Hi everyone,

For context I'm a 58 year old guy. Separated. Live alone.
Online dating .. I'm really wanting to vent about one subject and have a serious question about another.

Anyway the vent first ( and it's reasonably light hearted )..
I regard myself as non adventurous.
I'm not into mountaintop star jumps, skiing, white water rafting or holidays in Egypt on camels.
I enjoy box sets, reading, pubs and coffee shops.
A bop around the kitchen is wonderful too!
And I have a libido!
My OLD profile is genuine. I spend hours getting it right. It's me in 400 words or so.
So why do 90% of women want to proclaim that they really LOVE to be active, just can't wait to travel the world ( again ) with "someone special"!?
Ladies.. we aren't all misogynistic alpha males!
I've used various sites and this attitude is spread across them all.
Vent over.

Serious now..

Do potential matches expect the guy to send the first message?
I get notifications that someone has visited my profile, sometimes several times but haven't "liked" me.
So is it up to me to jump in?

It's all a minefield..

Btw I have no axe to grind with OLD. I've had a couple of short relationships through OLD. It does work, it's more difficult in areas of low population like mine, but it can be soul sapping.

Thank you all.

[Opentooffers]

Lol, so I'm in my 50's and just dipping my toe back into OLD after a break since the last one. I do mention a certain level of fitness is needed because I am active, and a lot of people my age just aren't. I go for runs sometimes ( haven't mentioned that as not a fitness freak) . I eat healthily- but haven't said that as its a bit dull and really at our age we all should as a given anyway ( plus you can tell by their photo if they dont) The number of men that mention they can't resist food and its a big part of there life - usually overweight. Men with a pint in their hands - which I do within reason but wouldn't put a pic of it up as it implies too much love for it. Men in their cars, on a bike, on a motorbike.
I do like to travel, when I go, but as its not a big part, I haven't mentioned that either.
Anyway, things that would put me off about your profile - sounds like you'd rather watch people being active rather than being so and watch the scenery rather than immersing yourself in it.
Fact is its use it or lose it the older you get, so if you don't try to keep active now, the future will be one of lower ability. Libido can be there, but ability may not continue to match up. Women with a libido want someone who looks like they are going to be fit enough to perform basically, now and in the future, and being too sedentary in descriptions can put someone off.
Not saying you have to claim to do extreme sports - that would put me off anyway - but it does help to mention general active things like long walks ( yes, long means you can get about ok) . Gym -I don't mind it mentioning but if there's a gym pic it's too much, says narcissist.
Then again, if not active, best not to lie about it, so you find someone the same.
It's good that you've put thought into filling in your profile, make it personal about you and it will get read, I pass on the many who can't be bothered to fill it in, no matter how good the pic.

[Opentooffers]

Lol, I've had a match since yesterday, but no message yet- I've been at work for 12 hours today in my defence, and yes I do send the odd one first if a profile grabs me( don't always get a reply).
I've probably had 100 likes or so in last 24 hours but only one message, however, I don't expect a like to lead to one, its just a casual swipe to the right that doesn't mean much - can even just mean you or they are in the 'maybe' category based on their pic and profile.

[Opentooffers]

Sorry, too many lols there, it's easy to sound like a tool without meaning to.

[LadyWindermeresOnlyFans]

Separated

Is that in your profile? It would be seen as a red flag if so. Rightly or wrongly it suggests a potentially messy situation most women wouldn't want the hassle of being involved in.

Otherwise, as PP have said, from what you've posted here, your profile seems a bit generic like you're hedging your bets to have the most appeal possible, but also you do come across defensive with a bit of a chip on shoulder thing going on. But maybe that's just a natural response on here because you're being challenged.

Focus on the details of what you like, as PP said mention specific authors etc, and don't worry about what other men are or aren't doing. I can understand the anxiety but you need to be comfortable with who you are first and foremost.

[Jellyheadbang]

@Shunter350

I was in a sexless marriage for over 20 years.
I appreciate that many can live without an intimate relationship but it's important to me.
So I mention libido to prevent any misunderstanding.

On first reading. I felt the same way as @salutsandy ref the libido bop and was about to write a similar response.

On second thoughts, I think, (as I often do when men ask these sorts of questions), absolutely leave it all in there.

Getting randoms on the Web to describe their ideal profile / man is setting you up to write a disingenuous profile.
If libido is a top priority you might be better considering a more adult date site, they can be just for hookups but people get relationships from them sometimes too.

At least that way you're not creeping out women on the mainstream date sites when you mention libido.

If you want to meet someone who is like you then definitely leave in the word 'bop'.
It would tell me straight away whether we'd be compatible or not.

I agree with another poster who suggested expanding on the boxset genres, favourites etc and the type of music you bop to in the kitchen.

When you write that stuff here about active men being misogynistic , not only is it weird and confusing but it gives me incel vibes .

Longterm single guys are not being accountable to themselves when they say 'its not fair, I'm too nice/ a feminist /not rich enough. All women want bad guys who treat them mean ' etc,
.
Apportioning all the blame to women for 'nice guys always finish last' suggests that they believe its the silly little women's gullibility that's stopping the nice guys from getting laid..

Look inwards and be honest rather than coming here to warn us of the dangers of active alpha male types

Adult women don't need a mansplain to deter us from dating super active travelling snowboarders..
I give them a swerve because I have disabilities and children with extra needs.

i'm unlikely to be in a similar earning bracket to those extreme sportsters and travel fans, plus I would never have the time to do that stuff .

Anyone who's pics are all gym and seeking women who look after themselves would absolutely not go near me. I'm grateful for the information tho, it saves time.

when its all muscle pics, I see it as more superficial, and possibly shallow than misogynistic.
there's plenty of women who fit that criteria too, so nobody is losing out.

i currently dont date because I don't have the capacity physically, mentally and time-wise, but when i do date i like to see what people are into.

if you're writing a profile based on what women here have told you they like, then youre not presenting your true self.

If you get dates through being inauthentic then any relationship is likely to implode fast when your partner discovers you like to watch box sets and have a bop around the kitchen before trying to make up for twenty years worth of no shagging.

[Nsky62]

Be realistic ( I’m 60) and yourself , I gave up OLD poor men too cocky or very ugly, life with cat far more appealing!

[aurynne]

46-year-old woman here.

I like climbing mountains and being active, so when I was in OLD I did mention that in my profile, with recent photos showing me doing exactly that, because I'm telling the truth and I am looking for guys who not necessarily will come to the summit with me (bonus points if they do), however a couch potato who spends his days on the sofa and at the pub is not the partner I am looking for. Especially because men tend to get old fast, and especially fast if they don't exercise and keep themselves fit.

Also, as a 46-year-old I look for men my age, I wouldn't go looking for any guy over 53. I find that most guys look for women 20 year younger, just want to clarify that the majority of women don't reciprocate. So if you want more success, focus on women your age. I wouldn't go for a 58 year old.

And yes, the "I am a nice guy and women always go for the bad boys" type is an instant left swipe. The alpha-male-wannabees don't get a second of my time either. I want an equal, someone with confidence who doesn't have a fragile masculinity issue for me to deal with.

I was never short of matches, many significantly younger than me. What I was short of was interesting men who actually had any qualities that would make my life better. Fortunately I am happy by myself, so I stopped bothering with OLD and kept on enjoying life. If someone amazing turns up, then great, I'll give it a go. If not, I'll continue enjoying life.

[aurynne]

@Shunter350 I think the most valuable advice I can give you is, women over 40 are more independent and more assertive now than ever. I know many women around me who are living the single life like myself, and enjoying it immensely, as they realise life is easier like that than in the company of many men. This situation makes it harder for men your age who are genuinely looking for someone especial.

My advice is simple: keep it realistic, date your age, take care of yourself and don't take anything for granted. Think about how you would enhance your future partner's life, don't only assume your mere existence is the prize for any women you take your fancy on. Look at the profile of a women you think "wow, she sounds great!" and then think: "what would be my 'wow' factor for her?". Few men do this.

Good luck!

[OIDespair]

OP, your libido comment is Instant Ick.

Stand out from the dross by respecting the people you hope to attract, and by identifying and if necessary working on attractive qualities of your personality, pastimes and motivations. Once you have matched, met and potentially developed a connection with potential, the sexual element will be a part of that, and probably more fulfilling than you had in the past.

You'll massively reduce your chances if you put your sexual needs on a banner from day 1. Unless you go to a hookup site.

Out of interest how long have you been separated? Your post and the questions you ask do suggest you are not ready to embark on a meaningful relationship so if you do just want to address your sexual frustration perhaps you would do better to come off OLD or else change your expectations.

[blackbeardsballsack]

@Minimummonday

You think women are saying stuff just to attract you?

’I like to bop around the kitchen’ you sound like a loser that’s why women don’t want to date you

Quite!

Complaining about misogynistic men whilst simultaneously suggesting that women don't like hiking and sports, and are just pretending to entice men!

[xJoy]

Agree with the instant ick comment.

One poster expressed it v well, whoever you meet, that woman / women doesn't owe it to you to compensate for your marriage. If I had any sense that a man was intent on making up for a drought, I'd run. It should be about a new relationship, no intention to make up for the past.

[Shunter350]

@Dontsayyouloveme

Also this.. men coming out of loooong sexless relationships, expecting the next person to make up for it and to try out their fantasies on.

Go on a hook up site, get it out of your system, then come back when you realise there’s more to a fulfilling relationship than being pegged every day or whatever your ‘thing’ is, will you!! 🤣🙄

Righto! 🥴

[Shunter350]

@Imnotachap

I'd avoid as i'd think you'd want to stop in, watch the telly and then shag.

...well....

[Shunter350]

@GinAndTony

Lots of exclamation marks in your first post! If that’s what your profile is like, it will put people off! Best number of exclamation marks is none!

!!!!..👍

[Shunter350]

@QueenOf1969

Your profile sounds ideal to me! What part of the country are you in 🤔

Central Scotland. North of the Forth. Fields of shortbread, wild Haggis.. etc 😉

[Shunter350]

@Drinknumber11

Hi, 40F here been doing OLD for a few years now.
It’s nothing to do with your hobbies etc.
Once we have matched here’s what would be nice:

• Yes it is nice for the guy to message first - shows interest
• Don’t send messages for too long - arrange a meet up if interested
• Don’t get sexual way too soon!

Thank you.
I do send messages that are non sexual, interested in their profile ( because I have similar interests) then I either get ignored or blocked!
😬

[Shunter350]

@TheInterceptor

You say 'separated', I read 'married'. Sorry.

Fair enough. Thank you.

[Shunter350]

@LadyWindermeresOnlyFans

Separated

Is that in your profile? It would be seen as a red flag if so. Rightly or wrongly it suggests a potentially messy situation most women wouldn't want the hassle of being involved in.

Otherwise, as PP have said, from what you've posted here, your profile seems a bit generic like you're hedging your bets to have the most appeal possible, but also you do come across defensive with a bit of a chip on shoulder thing going on. But maybe that's just a natural response on here because you're being challenged.

Focus on the details of what you like, as PP said mention specific authors etc, and don't worry about what other men are or aren't doing. I can understand the anxiety but you need to be comfortable with who you are first and foremost.

Separated two years. Live alone.
There are many women with similar in their profiles.

[Shunter350]

@aurynne

@Shunter350 I think the most valuable advice I can give you is, women over 40 are more independent and more assertive now than ever. I know many women around me who are living the single life like myself, and enjoying it immensely, as they realise life is easier like that than in the company of many men. This situation makes it harder for men your age who are genuinely looking for someone especial.

My advice is simple: keep it realistic, date your age, take care of yourself and don't take anything for granted. Think about how you would enhance your future partner's life, don't only assume your mere existence is the prize for any women you take your fancy on. Look at the profile of a women you think "wow, she sounds great!" and then think: "what would be my 'wow' factor for her?". Few men do this.

Good luck!

Thank you for a helpful response. I appreciate it.

[LadyWindermeresOnlyFans]

There are many women with similar in their profiles.

...so...what...? It sounds like you're still hanging on to the past.

You asked and we've given our opinions. Why bother if you're going to be defensive and dismissive?
Just carry on as you are if that's what you want to do🤷🏻‍♀️

[Shunter350]

@LadyWindermeresOnlyFans

There are many women with similar in their profiles.

...so...what...? It sounds like you're still hanging on to the past.

You asked and we've given our opinions. Why bother if you're going to be defensive and dismissive?
Just carry on as you are if that's what you want to do🤷🏻‍♀️

I will. Thank you for your input anyway.

[callthataspade]

@LadyWindermeresOnlyFans

There are many women with similar in their profiles.

...so...what...? It sounds like you're still hanging on to the past.

You asked and we've given our opinions. Why bother if you're going to be defensive and dismissive?
Just carry on as you are if that's what you want to do🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's quite telling when a man comes into a predominantly female space to moan about women.

Especially when they insinuate it's somehow the women's fault... how dare they proclaim to like sporty men and not want my boxsets and libido.

[LadyWindermeresOnlyFans]

Thought so 😆
Best of luck 😬

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@callthataspade

I think it's quite telling when a man comes into a predominantly female space to moan about women.

Especially when they insinuate it's somehow the women's fault... how dare they proclaim to like sporty men and not want my boxsets and libido.

You are a spiteful meanie Spade. You didn't even mention the alluring kitchen-bopping.

[Oopsiedaisyy]

So I am late 40s and met my 50 year old bloke on tinder, neither of us are particularly into lycra clad activities but very active in other ways... Especially those including libidos😂

Starting off though it was very friend like conversation, until we actually met. There's all sorts of women out there, I was certainly never the type who said I was into knitting or hill walking. I think it's about finding someone with the same interests rather than physical age. Many 50 plus men are frankly falling apart.