Male perspective with OLD

[Shunter350]

Hi everyone,

For context I'm a 58 year old guy. Separated. Live alone.
Online dating .. I'm really wanting to vent about one subject and have a serious question about another.

Anyway the vent first ( and it's reasonably light hearted )..
I regard myself as non adventurous.
I'm not into mountaintop star jumps, skiing, white water rafting or holidays in Egypt on camels.
I enjoy box sets, reading, pubs and coffee shops.
A bop around the kitchen is wonderful too!
And I have a libido!
My OLD profile is genuine. I spend hours getting it right. It's me in 400 words or so.
So why do 90% of women want to proclaim that they really LOVE to be active, just can't wait to travel the world ( again ) with "someone special"!?
Ladies.. we aren't all misogynistic alpha males!
I've used various sites and this attitude is spread across them all.
Vent over.

Serious now..

Do potential matches expect the guy to send the first message?
I get notifications that someone has visited my profile, sometimes several times but haven't "liked" me.
So is it up to me to jump in?

It's all a minefield..

Btw I have no axe to grind with OLD. I've had a couple of short relationships through OLD. It does work, it's more difficult in areas of low population like mine, but it can be soul sapping.

Thank you all.

My OLD profile is genuine. I spend hours getting it right. It's me in 400 words or so

If you're not having any success, maybe your profile doesn't read as genuine? Maybe it is not right. Maybe it is time to go back to the drawing board and start again.

For my part, I would avoid anyone whom mentions pubs and coffee shops a swerve as I am not a great drinker or alcohol, nor do I drink coffee, so have zero interest in either as a reference point or pastime. What you've said about yourself sounds more than a little generic and dull. There is zero personality to it, although to be fair, I am only going by what you have shared and not the ad itself.

Re. OLD. When I did it, I rarely liked anyone's profile. I also preferred the man to contact me first. This is because I have learnt that men are more fixed in who they are looking for, particularly in terms of physicality and age. It doesn't matter how engaging or tailored an opening message I wrote, if I wasn't that man's type, I wasn't getting a response.

Oh, and for the record, I wasn't looking for someone special, a partner in crime, or to travel the world/white water raft/surf with. But I also wanted someone with a bit more oomph than watching Netflix and going to the pub. Here's an idea, instead of talking about watching boxsets, name things you enjoy watching, authors you enjoy reading, things that will given more of an idea about your tastes and who you are. For me and many women, that's what we're looking for - commonality and mutual touchstones.

But that’s your own personal interpretation of a situation. In our house, I’m the one who likes hillwalking, and DS is more of the ‘countryside through the window of a gastropub’ persuasion. You seem to be equating outdoor hobbies with misogyny, and think women should be appreciating you for not being ‘adventurous’?

Fair point. I'll think about that. Sometimes little is more?

Considering you have managed to say nothing about yourself in four hundred or so words, it's definitely worth a try. That said, I think four hundred words is fine, but only if they're not the usual generic platitudes and nondescript placeholders.

A great OLD profile should be an amuse bouche - something that will intrigue the reader into wanting to message you and find out more.

My advice is leave out the bits about 'bop around the kitchen' and libido'

I'd keep it simple and say you like reading, coffee shops, pubs and tv. Maybe you could say what kind of books/tv shows too. I'm sure you'll find someone nice with similar interests. Nothing wrong with other people being adventurous and wanting to travel though!

@salutsandy @highfidelity @Templebreedy and others.
Thank you for your insight.
Lots of stuff to work on!

Just be happy with who you are, who cares if there's plenty of adventurous men to compete with, it's not for anyone, I certainly don't match with travellers or party animals. I do prefer to stick to apps that I have to match with to speak, tried sites such as match.com and hated that men still contacted even when you haven't matched with them, viewing your profile does not mean you're up for it. I prefer bumble or hinge. Having said that I've been single 4 years, didn't work for me, think it requires a lot of patience to find someone suitable.

So why do 90% of women want to proclaim that they really LOVE to be active, just can't wait to travel the world ( again ) with "someone special"!?
Ladies.. we aren't all misogynistic alpha males!

Why does enjoying travel, active leisure, & wanting "someone special" mean that women are actively seeking a misogynistic alpha male?
I can assure you it doesn't. The two concepts are totally unrelated.

You seem to have some kind of bee in your bonnet.

I completely disagree! Most woman tend to enter into long term relationships or really concentrate on mother hood, so by the late 40s-50s are now more free of those things and can start to have a life of their own again, so do want to do exciting things like travelling or white water rafting after having such a steady and safe life for so long! Like re-entering youth. I imagine some don’t and will suit what your looking for, but imagine a large proportion will want to actually do travelling and not just saying so because they think that’s what men want to hear.

Always message first, there’s nothing to loose and you have to be in it to win it!

As a woman, I work with many guys, & a few of them think they are alpha, & a few are misogynist.

What does that have to do with totally unrelated women who like active leisure pursuits & travel?

I was in a sexless marriage for over 20 years.
I appreciate that many can live without an intimate relationship but it's important to me.
So I mention libido to prevent any misunderstanding.

Have you come across of a lot of fake profiles OP. I ‘proclaim’ to love the gym because I do, love the gym! I’ve ‘proclaimed’ I want to travel, because I want to travel. I’ve spent the last 20 years with a phobia of flying which is now cured as of last year so I’m ready to holiday, further afield than Spain and Greece where I went in my 20’s (51 now)

I don’t know if this helps but climbing, hill walking and hiking is a ‘swipe left’ for me.. in fact all I see on OLD is this type an rarely few ‘normal’ guys in between. I exercise in the gym because it’s dry and warm and done in an hour or so! I do like to get my 10k steps in if I don’t go to the gym but once I’m done.. I’m happy to chill on the sofa ☺️

You sound like you've given up on doing things but are happy to just watch. That sounds quite boring.

Being over 50 doesn't mean giving up doing stuff. What's wrong with going on holiday (which is what 'travelling' is). Women want someone with a bit of gumption. It's nice to cuddle up on the sofa watching a film, but you have to get out there and do other things as well.

Maybe women look at your profile because you seem quite nice and easy, but look further and think you seem defensive.

Oh god help us.

Other women are not responsible for your 20 year sex drought.

Mentioning libido at all is ridiculous. Most people have a libido. Just like they need to eat food, & wear shoes. You don't need to remind women that men like sex. We've all known that since we were 12.

It's also cringe-makingly unsubtle & reads to women as if all you're after is a shag.

I am coming round to thinking that OLD is a bit lazy with an expectation to get 'the one' delivered without any effort.
My Ex and current are both people I never would have matched with online - but chemistry evolved through real life encounters. In both cases I was not initially attracted. But they persisted and have been fantastic. (Was with Ex 20 years so even tho it ended was worth it)

Was about to add this… 100% agree.. personally, there’s nothing attractive about a lazy man. I look after myself in terms of exercise and diet and I look for that in a partner, because of commonality and share interest in staying healthy.

Also, your target audience.. when women reach menopause, they really have to look after their body to avoid Ill health later on, so yeah, these active/adventurous women are probably very common in the over 50’s.

So what are you looking for, someone to become a couch potato/beer swilling buddy? Like others have said.. I’m sure there are women out there like that.. you just need to swipe left until you find them.

Blimey.
Loads of different perspectives.
Thanks all.

Yep, mentioning your libido is OLD speak for "I'll be sexting you by the second message". If that's not the case, I'd delete that bit.

As a PP said above; libido comes as pretty standard on most males, so doesn't need to be put into print.

It's possibly also worth pointing out that women in their 40s & 50s get enough offers of sex from men in their 20s & 30s, so if libido was at the top of their wish list, they'd possibly go for a non-box-set-watching, younger man with a fit body as well as a healthy sex drive.

We may not be flooded with offers from great guys, but (if my experience is anything to go by) we certainly get a lot of offers of sex.

If you're looking for a relationship just state that; you may have had a bad experience previously, but most women see good sex as part of a healthy relationship.

Also this.. men coming out of loooong sexless relationships, expecting the next person to make up for it and to try out their fantasies on.

Go on a hook up site, get it out of your system, then come back when you realise there’s more to a fulfilling relationship than being pegged every day or whatever your ‘thing’ is, will you!! 🤣🙄

A bio with ‘i enjoy box set and going to fame’ screams boring to me.
Sorry….
But I would read between the lines and see someone who doesn’t like to go out, do new things, is set in their routine.

Now I’m not saying this is who you are. But that’s the image you would be projecting to me.
Same with wanting someone who is in your area, esp if you know there is low density of population and therefore few candidates.

Travelling, water skiing etc… might have only happened once 7 years ago. And those women might well never do it again. Because age, money etc etc.
but what they are telling you is that they are open to new adventure and trying new stuff. I doubt many of them will spend all their hols doing that. If they do (and I have many people in my family/friends who do, at your age), they won’t go on OLD to find someone. They are more likely to find someone through said shared activity, a club etc… because, let’s be honest, it’s not usual!

I’m not seeing what liking adventure sports / foreign travel has to do with misogyny??

I think dating is generally a numbers game, I don’t think women always expect men to make the first move no, but I think whichever sex you are, if you like someone, then message them.

I'd avoid as i'd think you'd want to stop in, watch the telly and then shag.

I would read
’im only there for a shag. Please make it convenient to me by being close to me geographically’

I would always put active in a description, and it would be what I look for in a guy too

sport is my life 😁

I reckon that lots of people put “active” in as a socially acceptable way to say: not obese ? But just guessing

I reckon that lots of people put “active” in as a socially acceptable way to say: not obese ?

or maybe just ‘not lazy and sitting on my arse all day round’….