Threads about how I would never be abused because I’m XYZ really wind me up, does it to anyone else?

[Rainbow03]

I shouldn’t get involved in those threads.

A colleague a couple of years back when I was really suffering from PTSD said to me that I’m far to clever to ever let someone treat me like your husband, I’d never be abused.

Most of these people are coming from a place of never experiencing abuse. Really does my head in now. No wonder people keep quiet.

I’ve read about a police officer being domestically abused and someone who works with domestically abused women being domestically abused.

People who work, who don’t work, who have children, who don’t have children, who are working class, who are middle class, who are every race, body type, background, have all different lifestyles and outlooks and jobs and family setups are abused. It’s never the fault of the abused for being XYZ eg not ‘clever enough’. It’s always the fault of the abuser.

I work for a domestic abuse charity and I was abused.

They haven’t got a fucking clue.

No clue whatsoever

Domestic and child abuse victim here, Hi, yes for the love of ... really winds me up. It has zero to do with being clever. non whatsoever.

Its the abusers. The choose to abuse. It has nothing to do with luch, codependency or whatever people like to explain it away being the reason.

Too many know it alls who think they have been stick free from any kind of abuse from now till the end of time, well goddidoo for you then..

Couldn't agree with you more OP

Thing is, 2 years ago I would probably have said I'd never be abused. Can now see I've been abused for 20 years! Took a lot of counselling!!

I worked with a woman, within adult social services, her being a social worker and man she was being abused but in such denial as apparently she knew the signs and because she had no bruises then it could not be abuse, although her partner, who she is still with, has done her in on every other level, degrade her, gaslight, manipulate, take away her finances, belittle her body type, cheat on her, yet she had never been abused.. sigh. She was so critical of me when I got abused and confided in her about it. Never again will I open my mouth to anyone about it other than here. People are so critical.

As recently as today,
Someone had a post about a similar post, asking what H j k, reasons do you think ensures you have never suffered domestic abuse of any kind,

I know it definitely wasn't ment to offend or be inflammatory,

But, anyone from any class or field of work can potentially seduced , by a Narastistic or schiopathic psychopathic tendencies maladaptive personality disorders,
If something makes someone vunerable whether it's a really childhood, bereavement, accident/illness

Obviously depends what kind of support you have got around you too ect

I agree with you Op@Rainbow03

Life can a bastard in that regards, you can have just bad luck, coupled with bad decisions making cause of shitty circumstances clouds your judgement and makes you incredible Needy, vunerable etc

Agree. I work in mental health, have a doctorate, on paper I should somehow be educated and experienced enough to be 'above' it ... And I was in an abusive relationship for over 2 years. At first I didn't recognise it as such, and then even when I did I still didn't feel able to leave for a long time. It can literally happen to anyone. And it's never the person receiving the abuses' fault.

Yep
that said
I always knew intellectually that it can happen to anyone.... but I think I didn't quite BELIEVE it until I worked with a woman who is a highly successful CEO, earning close to a million-dollar salary, who was financially controlled, emotionally abused, and sexually coerced by her husband for 25 years. She never had access to her own bank accounts and he made her account for her own spending while he was lavishing her hard earned money on luxury stuff for himself. She'd only realised it was abusive after he left her for another woman. She'd thought because he never laid a hand on her, and he never actually deprived her of money or food etc or controlled her movements, that he was safe. (And he actually was, compared to her own violent controlling father).
(Happy to report that once the scales fell from her eyes, she went nuclear on him and used her ceo skills to financially savage him in the divorce).

Id gently say the thread is VERY different to your twat of a colleague who’s basically ignorant and insensitive (unkind ?) to boot

I don't think that most people who say it have never been abused. Those who know it best are those who have experienced it, understand how it starts, have an awareness of how it progresses, and know how it can be ended. Allow them their voices. They're different from your colleague. There'll always be arseholes. Don't lump everyone with the same opinion together; people feel that way for different reasons.

Yes and the thread today had disgraceful opinions expressed by arrogant idiots who have no idea. To be human is wonderful and we are all strong. But we all have vulnerabilities. If you don’t think you do you are a wanker or narcissistic.

It really winds me up when I read terms like dysfunctional when talking about abuse victims. I was very successful also when I met my abuser. Just finished a Masters degree, achieved the highest mark in the group, was having exhibitions. A lot of the time they like their victims to be successful, outgoing, have money. It makes they look good. Then as soon as they get board or get stressed they start to devalue. They can’t devalue someone who is nothing. The comments that I’m so brilliant I’d walk if I see signs of abuse even if it’s after 2 dates….seriously!

It is at times extremely hard recovering from abuse and as a society we should be very careful of the terms we use. We blame rape victims for wearing the wrong clothes or walking in the dark. It’s pretty disgusting.

Took me a good hour to calm down after that post earlier now I’m up feeding the baby and its still getting on my nerves.

They are talking out of their lucky lucky arses.

However, the reason they're doing it may be complex. They may be trying to impose control on an essentially chaotic world. Reducing their anxiety. Pretending they have control. If it's the women's choices then they can sleep easy.

I grew up with an abusive family member. It made me really clever at spotting them, and sometimes really stupid at resisting them. I've been lucky. Mostly. And no one wants to think there is an element of luck.

@MrsTerryPratchett I believe it’s very much an element of luck. It’s also based on circumstances at that exact time (death, birth, change etc in our life) we are constantly in different states of being, our thoughts and needs change continuously based on our experiences. I think of it a lot like being involved in a natural disaster. The hurricane doesn’t choose who to blow down, it’s a hurricane it does by nature. Same as abusers. I walked into a hairdressers for my appointment. My hairdresser had been double booked so I had been put with this really charming guy. I could have said no, I’ll wait but I didn’t. That was that! Little did I know 10 years later I’d be scared for my life in the midst of a nervous breakdown. At that particular time in my life I was post breakup, perhaps feeling a little low, perhaps a little vulnerable. No one knows how they will be feeling next week or next month or year. Anyone could have sat in that hairdressers chair, but on that day with my feelings that day was me. What bad luck. What followed was a decent human thinking they were in love being abused.

My favourite questions are why did you let it happen and why did you have a baby with an abuser. How much do those questions but blame in a victims hands.

So so true. I always say we can pretend we can keep ourselves safe but so did the women in Sarajevo, Rwanda, and now Ukraine. Men can create situations which mean no woman is safe.

On a small scale it happens every day.

I tend to bite my tongue because I’ve learned that little good usually comes of making people aware of their own naivete and hubris. I might mildly say, “I would have said the same thing myself a long time ago” and leave it at that.

Most people are not abusive so most people a) don’t experience abuse close-up and b) have no experience in handling it when they do.

Abuse is a lot easier to see going than it is to see coming, particularly covert abuse and manipulation. Abusers usually wait until you’ve reached a vulnerable position and will find it hard to leave the relationship before they start showing their true colours in an overt way. At that point, you often get stuck in thinking that trying to get the abuser to understand what they’re doing and change will be easier than leaving the relationship.

Abusers will actually often feed this thinking by admitting to some degree that they’re not behaving well and saying they will change, but usually blame their failure to do so on you not supporting them enough, or triggering them to much. Any decent-minded person can spend a lot of time tolerating abuse in the name of trying to ensure their own side of the street is clean.

It’s probably not even about pretending, people genuinely seem to believe the comments they are making. I just think to myself that most people can’t even comprehend the extent of the complexity of abuse or how such evil people exist. I’ve no idea what a hurricane feels like or war either. They are extremely lucky for now and so am I. But I won’t be blaming the people for getting in caught in one. Perhaps we lack empathy in general as a society, it’s sad.

I totally agree OP.

Another pet hate I've had is - well there's three sides to every story - yours, his and the truth.

When I get told that I literally have to leave.

And - why did you stay?
Not
Why did he think that was ok? Why did he abuse you?
Rather shaming the victim for not realising and taking action earlier.

Perpetrators are very clever and manipulative and unfortunately for a lot of us, always one step ahead

It’s really really complex and amidst the smuggery there are many truths from people

im also less bruised now so the smuggery doesn’t sting for me as it does for others

ive now come out the other side and I would never judge anyone

how the fuck could I !?!

but I DO hold myself to account for the future

I’m spending a lot on therapy right now to make sense Of things and of course …

so much does come down to childhood and learnt models
then we add in our own brains and society and gender

People love to think it would never happen to them. Thing is, abuse doesn't always start off strong. It can be subtle and work up to more abuse. It's an arrogant way to to think, that could never happen to you. (Not you OP).

Abusers very often pick strong independent women as it's a challenge to 'knock them down'

It can happen to anyone

Some people are extremely stupid.

I found that thread incredible for its stupidity also. So many deluded women victim blaming other women.

’I’m simply too strong and have too many boundaries to become the victim of an incredibly common serious crime.’ Fuck off. Absolute morons.