Threads about how I would never be abused because I’m XYZ really wind me up, does it to anyone else?

[Rainbow03]

I shouldn’t get involved in those threads.

A colleague a couple of years back when I was really suffering from PTSD said to me that I’m far to clever to ever let someone treat me like your husband, I’d never be abused.

Most of these people are coming from a place of never experiencing abuse. Really does my head in now. No wonder people keep quiet.

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes we all look to the past to figure out what is wrong that made this happen to me, to make sense. But a non-abused person would have the exact same response if it were to happen to them it’s just they have been lucky so far. Same if you get hit by a car, could you have done anything different, walked a different way, not stopped on the way to talk, if I did that I would have missed the car. Every single person is a miss mash of traumas and experiences we can all look back and think if that didn’t happen, if I was like this or that. But I personally think it would have happened anyway. Who goes out looking for someone to treat them badly. Adverse child experiences happen an awful lot,so do loads of things, it’s part of who we are. I bet there isn’t a single person who could look back and not find a single experience that could make them vulnerable in some way. Or in future events like death or job loss or illness.

Definitely.

I think the certainty that it couldn’t possibly happen to them/they’d be able to ensure it didn’t is mostly a self-protective thing. People need to believe that they are not vulnerable and able to control things. It’s psychologically safer (for them) to believe that women who are or have experienced abuse made bad choices/were lacking because they didn’t see the signs or whatever.

Totally. I found myself in an abusive relationship (I left it over 6 years ago now) and I'm probably one of the last people anyone would imagine ended up in one. I'm confident, successful, highly educated, assertive....but none of that means anything- we're all susceptible to being abused- many abusers are very good at what they do and it creeps in slowly so you don't notice it until WHAM!

What they don't realise is that the stronger someone is the worst the abuse gets because they mentally, emotionally and physically can withstand more abuse, bet they don't ever realise that

I 100% agree with OP - it’s one of the ugliest sides of MN, people who have never experienced something posting about how it could never happen to them / they would react so differently / just LTB etc… they seemingly don’t understand the complexities of life and relationships and the human psyche. I see these kinds of arrogant posts a lot on both abuse threads and infertility threads, and I’m quite sure the majority of these posters have just been incredibly fortunate to not find themselves in these situations.

Agreed. It reminds of the 'I know for 100% my partner would never cheat' people. The implication is always 'you should have known/picked a better partner'. Do the 'my partner would never ever cheat' people not read the threads posted by people whose partners have cheated on them, despite always being the last person you'd imagine doing so?

So true

It winds me up that people think so black and white. But in order to maintain their balance they blame the victim. You can be strong and sensitive one does not need to exist without the other. Being sensitive is not a negative human trait. Your not abused because you are sensitive, you are abused because the abuser is sick.

So true. I also find it weird when people say that abusers choose a certain type of woman- i.e. will spot some invisible weakness, so that this woman will take his shit- but I think it's more complicated than that. The vast majority of abusers don't see themselves in that way- they might recognize some bad behaviours, but don't see themselves as abusers. So they're not consciously picking weak women they can bully!

@MartiniFlan exactly. Does my partner have the ability to cheat, absolutely, do I absolutely, all variants are possible. Today right now with my current circumstances would I cheat, no. Next year if my circumstances change, job loss, death, stress, bad health, depression ….who knows.

Low level abuse is so normalised I’m sure many women wouldn’t recognise it as abuse. Jealousy, sulky behaviour, manipulative love bombing, subtle controls, sexual coercion, all could be considered ‘low level ’ but possibly escalating once the abuser becomes more confident. Or maybe the abuser doesn’t need to escalate as long as his victim remains compliant. I’m sure many men wouldn’t consider sulking because he didn’t get sex to be abuse.

For those women who do spot the early signs and get out, there is still a risk of violence, stalking and harassment.

None of it is easy to face into. Given the high level of abuse out there, I think most of it is down to luck.

Being born a human makes us all vulnerable and susceptible. The only way to avoid abuse or anything really is to not be born a human.

Because they are abusers themselves .

I had a cousin involved with an abuser, police social services etc . Cousin kept saying he has to change , has to grow up . It dawned on her as the years went by he never would . She said she wore rose tinted spectacles as she loved him . When things were good they were fantastic. That's what kept her there - hope . Hope that things would go back to how it was in the beginning of the relationship.

I think that’s what keeps us all there.

The highs feel so high because you’re just so grateful that the lows have stopped for a while, you convince yourself that the good parts are the real him and if you just do xyz he’ll be like that all the time.

@stinkfaceison to hope is to be human. Where would we be without hope. Hope is often used negatively, it’s not. Hope can be negative and positive. Hope got me through may dark times and hope got me into many dark times.

It’s all a bit ‘hubris precedes nemesis’ really.

People need to feel they are in control. They’ve made the right choices and this protects them from bad things happening. So you get so many people who insist they’d never find themselves in x, y, z position.

Then they use their good fortune in x, y and z never happening to them as proof that they do have superior judgement that keeps them safe.

Many a woman dealing with an abusive husband or a cheating husband or a husband with addiction issues or a husband with debt issues was originally in the ‘oh, that could never happen to someone like me’ camp.

But life happens. You often do not know.

‘Signs’ are more often retrospective in so many situations. Good or bad, we look back and tell ourselves that there were ‘signs’ and congratulate or condemn ourselves and others based on whether they saw those signs and took the right action. In the moment, the actual
situation, it’s all much more complex.

I think people often need to feel that it is more than just hope though.

They need to believe that there is something about them and the way they approach life that protects them from
bad things and makes the good things happen.

That is mostly a hopeful thing, but recognising it as hope strips away the illusion that it’s in their control.

You don't have to consent to abuse. You can be abused even if you don't want to be or even if you do your best to avoid it, get yourself out of the situation.

Often people don't even realise they are being abused. It's easy to see yourself as a tough person who doesn't take anything from anyone, but you are so grateful to your partner for looking out for you and making sure you are driven everywhere and have full access to their bank account (but no money of your own) and are protected from your awful friends and family who are just pointing out the negative all the time.

I know two women in my family exactly like this. Abuse looks very different when you are on the receiving end of manipulation, no matter how strong you are.

Abusers are con artists. People who think they could never be conned so they wouldn't get into that situation in the first place haven't got a clue.
They also haven't lived with death threats, so imagine they could leave at any time.

It's ignorance. Maybe a bit of arrogance. A lot of wishful thinking.

Anyone can be abused, given the right mix of circumstances.

There are things you can do to reduce the risk in future (hence why people suggest getting family support / seeking therapy - those things make you stronger and reduce your risks). But that isn't the same as saying 'I'm immune to it'.

Disturbing thread. We can all walk away from people who make us feel bad, as long as we don't put ourselves into situations where we can't. Abuse is the fault of the abuser, but the responsibility for your wellbeing lies with you, so you're the one who has to walk away from abuse. It would be wonderful to stop abusers abusing, but unless anybody's got a suggestion for how to do that right now, then 'changing the abuser' leaves current victims in a powerless position of trying to change their abuser, rather than finding a way to walk away from abuse.

Some people can’t walk away from abuse. They can be physically, financially or emotionally vulnerable. Everyone can and does experience vulnerability at some point in their lives. If that intersects with some one able and willing to abuse you will be powerless. Most people are just lucky it doesn’t happen to them.

A lot of people have shared their experiences and your response is tone deaf and ill informed.

@Watchkeys I don’t see why it’s disturbing. It’s no different to many things in life. We all know that no one is immune from illness, despite eating healthy, running 20 miles a day. We don’t blame people who get ill for getting ill,
we don’t stop living because of the chances of getting ill.

People who are in abusive relationships absolutely need to know that there is a life outside of abuse, and that walking away is the only solution. But I’m not talking about that, I’m saying that no one is “immune” to getting into an abusive relationship and to think you are immune shows a lack of understanding. In an ideal perfect world no one would block their escape route and often the ties are entirely invisible. Empowering women in abusive relationships is completely different to the point I was making. Most of the time unfortunately it’s not even about empowering to help them leave but helping them off floor. Most people leave when the they are so ground down they no longer have anything to loose sadly. I personally didn’t want empowering. I just wanted the pain I was in to stop.

So, so true.

Nobody can abuse you without your consent, to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt.