Threads about how I would never be abused because I’m XYZ really wind me up, does it to anyone else?

[Rainbow03]

I shouldn’t get involved in those threads.

A colleague a couple of years back when I was really suffering from PTSD said to me that I’m far to clever to ever let someone treat me like your husband, I’d never be abused.

Most of these people are coming from a place of never experiencing abuse. Really does my head in now. No wonder people keep quiet.

I'm not sure if it's a coincidence but as soon as I became more assertive, stronger and took control of my life, I stopped being abused.

Recognising red flags so not continuing relationships def does reduce likelihood of staying, as does high self esteem. Having a good career might not mean people are confident and love themselves, they may be trying to to prove something. Also a lot of da starts when pregnant which is too late to leave, and a very vulnerable time. So it's way more complicated than it can happen to anyone or that you can always avoid it.

So an abuser can abuse anybody they want to then, and it's almost impossible for any of us to not fall prey to it?

What a low opinion to have of people.

I don't think it's about having a low opinion, but more what some people say to convince thematics is could happen to anyone and not just them.

Someone mentioned a scam upthread. There are some scams that I do think rely on naive people and I know I wouldn't fall for.
Especially those who con money out of women. I watch then and wonder what these women were thinking..especially where you'd have a woman about 20 years older than a young handsome foreigner and your really think he's interested in you genuinely! Even when he mainly makes requests for money and waves to come to the UK.

Or those who fall for a catfish and have their life savings depleted by a man they've never set eyes. Yes.. no chance on earth would I be a victim of something like that.

I do listen to these stories and wonder how they were so gullible.

Some people by nature are predisposed to be taken advantage of, or be abused and that could be down to a vulnerability that is outside of their control.

"My favourite questions are why did you let it happen and why did you have a baby with an abuser. How much do those questions but blame in a victims hands."

This. How much of an arrogant twat do you have to be to respond with this when someone is reaching out and asking for advice and perspective. I've seen it happen so much and had similar happen to me. It can take years for the scales to fall from your eyes and realise that it's not you, it's them. Good for you if that's never happened to you.

I've never seen any posts her from women saying they are too clever to ever be abused.

I have seen plenty, saying that if they were abused the relationship would be OVER. That abuse would kill love stone dead.

@xJoy thats a really lovely way that you are choose to parent your child. I am doing something very similar. My daughter will love life’s vulnerabilities also. I am already so proud of her for trying her best at only 7, with all she has been through. Court refused contact for years with her dad because of the extreme nature of his emotional and mental abuse. Contact has started and she sadly now needs to deal with the complexities of her father. Life is unfair but she knows I love her and her home with me is safe now. She has witnessed first hand that despite adversary, which sadly can never be stopped she can always have another chance, she doesn’t need to ever be ashamed of who she is because of the actions of another. I hope she is never unlucky enough to ever meet a real psychopath.

I'm going off on a tangent now but with the older women who fall for the patter of a much younger beach body kind of young foreign man, I wonder is it that their whole life up til now (ageing) they were admired and desired and treated well???? Their identity hasn't transitioned (excuse me!) to being overlooked?
I mean, until Geoffrey dumped Pamela for his secretary (I'm being flippant here), she'd never experienced invisibility. All of Geoffrey's friends had fancied her but they had been very respectful about it!

It's one scam I know I'd never fall for because in my early forties, I had difficulty trusting that a man my own age never mind 20 years younger had seriously stopped looking.

I left my abusive x 15 years ago and it's taken me this long to get financially security! I'm not going to be duped by a man because I'd rather have financial security than a relationship.

I guess it's where you place a relationship in the order of your priorities that leaves you vulnerable.

No, it's not like that. Anybody might be victim to an abusive act. Nobody has to stick around in an abusive relationship. Once again, there is no question who is at fault. It's the abuser. Giving the victim the responsibility for solving their problem of being in an abusive relationship by leaving isn't victim blaming. What else do you propose that someone does when they find themselves being abused? Educate their partner not to be abusive anymore? That's like telling someone caught in a house fire to teach fire not to burn people.

What people should do in an abuse situation isn't the same issue as what we should do as a society about abuse.

We can and do, in many instances, raise our children not to become dependent on others, and to walk away if they experience abuse.

@Rainbow03 ah, statistically she'll meet a psychopath I guess, but if we raise our daughters to know that their happiness and their comfort and their needs matter, then that uncomfortable feeling they get when they aren't being respected, they know it's ok to walk away.

My daughter is at college but in her pt job she was serving a man who was very rude about how long he'd had to wait.. He was demanding an apology!! from a bunch of teenagers! She told him that the system is only designed for customers who order off the menu. If you order something that's not on the menu, expect a longer wait. He was asking to speak to her manager. She said, right, I'll tell my manager there's a rude man who wants to talk to her.

NOW. The wisdom of her approach is debatable but my mother would have sighed and winced and shuddered and reprimanded me for the same story. I laughed and said ''did the manager back you up''.

We did have a chat later where i advised her not to let him know that he'd got to her if he came back in. I said give the rude bastard a staple gunned stepford crew member smile. I advised her to let her manager know that she could cope with rude people so I wasn't encouraging her to be rude. But my mother would have SHAMED me for having any kind of spine in this situation.

With regard to being 'vulnerable' well, that's only necessary in situations where you're dealing with somebody who fears being authentic I think. I have probably gone full circle on this one. It doesn't feel like a vulnerability for me to say what I need and why I deserve it. We shouldn't go around offering up ''vulnerability'' like it's proof of our authenticity. hope that makes sense, just my take!

And 'being vulnerable' to someone has degrees. I'm emotionally vulnerable to my partner because we are open and honest with each other, but that doesn't mean I'm vulnerable to abuse within the relationship. We are happy, we share everything, but the first hint of trouble, and I'd be off, and I will always make sure I have that option. It doesn't preclude a happy, healthy relationship; it's an essential part of one.

It’s a situation that no one is going to agree on. We all want to to be treated with love and respect. We all hope that we and everyone we love will walk away from abuse the moment it starts. (Starts from the very beginning). We can teach, we can hope but it doesn’t create immunity. I was vulnerable to my abusive ex and I am vulnerable to my partner now of years. I’ve had only one abusive relationship with an intimate partner. It’s a shame the bad one came along before my current one. Being vulnerable does make you susceptible to abuse within a relationship by its very nature. You think that someone can’t fake being open and honest and be bloody brilliant at it and in return you are open and honest.

@Watchkeys haven’t you been in an intimate abusive relationship? You live life with the repercussions of that now. It’s called hindsight, you make sure you have back up, you keep a little of yourself back, that’s sensible in hindsight. You have learnt from experience. Many people haven’t. Experience is something that needs to be lived.

That's horrific. That's right up there with 'if you'd worked a bit harder on your marriage, your husband wouldn't have left you for another woman.' And (to women who can't get pregnant when they want to,) saying 'if you just relax a bit and chill a bit more, you'll get pregnant.'

Someone saying 'I would never be abused cause I'm not the type of woman to be abused' is just absolutely bloody vile. I can't even! Fuck me.

Have you read all of Brene Browne's books @Rainbow03
She does over use the word vulnerability imo.
I listened to about five of her books and they're all similar but I think what she's getting at she put best in her last book, braving the wilderness.
If you're RESILIENT enough to deal with the fall out of not succeeding or not getting the guy, or the conversation not ending in an agreement to be exclusive, if you're resilient enough to cope with the failures and knock backs then it's still ''bravery'' to try, but it is a bravery that is less potentially ruinous.

I think I'm a bit triggered by over use of the word vulnerability!! We are on the same page though, honestly! with different dictionaries!? onwards and upwards, stronger versions of ourselves, supporting our children to feel that their content or discontent is reason in itself to change course.

Actually, I tell a lie, she has a new book since Braving the Wilderness.
It's called Emotional Map or Emotional Atlas or something like that.
I won't be stumping up one credit for it though.

I think I'd have been tempted to punch the person who said that in the face. Then they would have been abused! Not very clever of them, was it?

@xJoy I get what you are saying for those who perhaps live there lives in the hope a man can save them and “purposely” over look red flags, there are definitely those types of relationships as there is a possibility for all types of relationships. You could help yourself in that sense (but you won’t because you are that type of person for many reasons), that wasn’t my relationship though and the same for many other women. You can stop eating meat to avoid meat borne illness but you can still get caught by a bad apple. I hope I make sense. None of us are immune which was the original point.

That and we are all very capable of making bad choices in the wake of terrible things happening in life. You can become very targetable when you get ill, or bereaved. Not everyone in those states has there brilliant thinking heads on. You can be in a lot of pain and meet someone who makes the pain better. They can turn out to be abusive.

I was once told I must be weak for putting up with domestic violence, as she'd have left the first time it happened. This was on a different parenting forum, I must admit, but goodness me, she had no idea. She came across as a nasty bully, ironically the same as my abusive ex.

I'm not weak, not at all.

Most abuse happens from the powerful to those with less power.

From men to women and children most often.

From those richer to those poorer.

There is therefore a reason why it is harder to ‘stop’ or ‘prevent’ abuse if you are the victim - it is because you have less power. That is why abusers single out people without the means to prevent it or stop it.

I don’t know why this is so hard for some people to understand.

Of course we can help people to a certain extent to leave abuse, recognise red flags etc, but this does not change the power relationship.

@PearCrumbleCustard It is about power and control but don’t need to seek out those with less power. They erode the power people have. Some like powerless women some like powerful women. They get power from influencing others. There are so many types of abusers.

Well, @Rainbow03, one of the things I've learned is to step away from anybody who keeps trying to tell me I'm wrong in my beliefs. It's one of the things that stops me being susceptible to abuse.

Best of luck.

@Rainbow03 most abuse happens from people who already have more power - but yes people can also erode power but that is assisted by the power imbalance already there. For example CEOs are not abused by their lower paid staff, their wives at home or by their children.

Most domestic abuse for example starts off when a woman is pregnant.

And maybe one day you will get old and frail and become dependent. Vulnerability is a fact of life.

Humans cannot live in isolation we need love and companionship and relationships. That’s when we become vulnerable.

I was more educated, more successful and a higher earner than my ex, it was his insecurity at those things that caused him to exert his physical power over me. There's power and there's power.