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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband lost 80k

147 replies

crosseydlobster · 16/03/2023 01:25

I'm just so overwhelmed and have nobody to discuss it with. I don't believe in airing out my relationship problems with other family members so none of them know. During the pandemic my husband was fearful of losing his job. He took all the money from his 401K so we could have a nice sized safety net. It was $80k USD. A few months later he bet it all on the S&P without telling me and lost it all. I was devastated and considered leaving him. I chose to forgive him. Since then I had to take a 50k government business loan to try and salvage my business amidst covid to pay our debt. My business is failing anyhow, I'm working the equivalent of 3 part time jobs (which feels like 2 fulltime jobs), we're saddled with debt all in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant at 40 years old. Had he used that $80k as the safety net we had discussed, I could have shut the business down, the company had a decent amount in the bank at the time, i wouldnt have taken a government loan and it would have covered our payments. I'm so exhausted. I just want to give up but I have to work harder all the time. Sometimes I want to scream at him about how much he screwed this up. But I forgave him and so I bite my lip because what is done cannot be undone and I stayed. I can't take care of myself there's no time, I don't think I'll ever have a baby. Life seems more and more pointless

OP posts:
PerfectYear321 · 16/03/2023 01:31

Have you seen the evidence in black and white? The S&P hasn't lost all its value!

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 16/03/2023 01:33

What's the S&P? This is a predominantly site, you're going to have to explain the US terminology. Sorry you're in this situation.

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 16/03/2023 01:34

Predominantly UK site I meant to say.

Lovingmynewbicycle · 16/03/2023 01:37

This doesn't make sense. The stock market has dropped, but not by 100%.

I struggle to understand your husband's reasoning.. surely his 401k would have been invested in the stock market already,so why would he take it out? Plus the huge tax bill as a result...

None of this makes any sense.

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 16/03/2023 01:38

Is your husband working?
You are right that conceiving is harder when you are stressed. When you mean safety net, do you mean for IVF? I had my son at 43 but we did have to have IVF. It wasn't as expensive as I thought it would be though.

Nimbostratus100 · 16/03/2023 01:40

If he is a gambling addict then he has an illness which causes changes in his brain and he needs urgent help, but also for you to take control of all money forever, if you are going to stay with him

xx

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/03/2023 01:47

He's lying about the S&P.

Don't have a child with an incompetent liar, please. Why saddle a human with that for a father?

Sorry you are going through this but bringing a child into the mix is going to be disastrous.

Also, companies in the US and UK are begging for workers. Why hasn't he got some sort of job? Removing money from a 401 is extremely ill-advised no matter the circumstances. "Safety net" is a bullshit excuse.

NBLarsen · 16/03/2023 01:49

So he took his entire retirement savings, 80K, and lost it all on the stock market? That was incredibly stupid but I'm sure he now realises that!
You say he was worried about losing his job - does he still have his job or another? Is he earning a good salary?
If your own business is failing it might be better to shut it down anyway and concentrate on the other jobs you are doing. Then put both of your wages towards paying off the loan.
You say you have forgiven him but it really doesn't sound like you have and I don't blame you. This is not a man I would want to get pregnant by.

AcornGreen · 16/03/2023 01:52

I’m sorry OP but I don’t think your husband has been honest with you. I think you need to talk to him and look at the figures in black and white. I’ve a significant amount invested in the S&P and I’ve not lost it all. Please check what your husband has told you.

GrumpyPanda · 16/03/2023 01:53

Lovingmynewbicycle · 16/03/2023 01:37

This doesn't make sense. The stock market has dropped, but not by 100%.

I struggle to understand your husband's reasoning.. surely his 401k would have been invested in the stock market already,so why would he take it out? Plus the huge tax bill as a result...

None of this makes any sense.

Sounds to me like he's been playing around with derivatives. Which of course would be criminal stupidity.

Namechanger355 · 16/03/2023 02:06

The S&P500 is traditionally very safe for the long game as it’s one of the safest stock exchanges around - and in the short game it hasn’t lost all of its value

Also his pension would have been invested in stocks anyway

so your post makes no sense. Yes investing is risky but it’s certainly not gambling - just good common sense tbh

so either he is lying or you are misunderstanding what has happened??

Namechanger355 · 16/03/2023 02:06

*Stock indexes

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2023 02:10

He may have lost all the money. It won't be on S&P.

EllieM27 · 16/03/2023 02:13

Are you sure he wasn’t screwing around with crypto and lost it that way? That happened to a lot of men people during the pandemic.

user1492757084 · 16/03/2023 02:13

What is the S & P? Scratchies and pokies?
He needs serious intervention if he is gambling and also hoping to become a reliable father.
What is he doing to revover and to stay away from gambling?
You sound very tired. All the best.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/03/2023 02:16

Stop trying to get pregnant with this loser for a start.

Then get to grips your finances; both yours and his as both sounding a mess. One step a a time.

ringsaglitter · 16/03/2023 02:17

I'm feeling so strongly for you hun, I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I am just going to say one thing, forgiveness is from the heart, it's not lip service. Saying you forgive him doesn't mean you forgive him, or that you can.
Don't jump into anything like divorce, but don't rule it out either. Right now, take a step back from him emotionally - eating seperate etc until you are able to figure out your own emotions.

This seems like a very deep well, but this can become a distant memory with time. Time really heals - if we choose the correct direction. Good luck. x

Lastnamedidntstick · 16/03/2023 02:18

I have no idea what a 401k or a S&P is?

is S&P some sort of gambling site?

did he lose his job? Why did he take out all the money just because he was worried he would lose it?

were they making redundancies? Or was it a zero hour contract? Why was he so worried?

Pinkbonbon · 16/03/2023 02:24

If you can't afford your life right now whilst working 3 jobs. So how do you plan to manage all that AND a baby?!

First things first, seperation time. Then get yourself financially solvent.

Then find another dream that's actually remotely sane. Not bringing kids you can't support into the world with a man who lies to you and steals from you.

EllieM27 · 16/03/2023 02:25

“The Standard and Poor's 500, or simply the S&P 500, is a stock market index tracking the stock performance of 500 large companies listed on stock exchanges in the United States. It is one of the most commonly followed equity indices.”

A few of the biggest US companies included are Apple, Microsoft, Alphabet (Google), Amazon, and Tesla.

LemonSwan · 16/03/2023 02:25

He might not be lying if he’s been messing with futures. They are so wild I don’t understand how they aren’t banned

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 16/03/2023 02:28

This doesn't sound right. If he emptied his 401k (which is pre-tax) he would have lost roughly 30% of those funds to taxes. How is that a "safety net"? No financial adviser would recommend this, ever.

As others have said, he didn't lose all the remaining money in the market.

I'm sorry you are so distressed, but you need to have an honest conversation with your husband and an accounting of where this money is.

greenspaces4peace · 16/03/2023 02:30

the s&p 500 is generally considered safe and stable.
over what period did this occur? Because I suspect he’s lying.
you can look up the performance yourself.

Itsallok · 16/03/2023 02:32

Your husband is lying - and fundamentally stupid. Don't waste any more time on this loser

Notcreativeatall · 16/03/2023 02:34

presumably he didn't invest in the S&P but effectively bet on the S&P eg through derivatives of some kind? This does seem incredibly stupid

However 1) its done - if you trust him to be honest with you now 2) it didn't necessarily lead to those consequence- you may have just put the money in your business anyway and lost it - the fact your business failed is not his fault

Is he working now? can you declare bankruptcy? I think you need to be honest with yourself and consider whether you have really forgiven him - but also leaving him won't make pregnancy more likely

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