Husband lost 80k

[crosseydlobster]

I'm just so overwhelmed and have nobody to discuss it with. I don't believe in airing out my relationship problems with other family members so none of them know. During the pandemic my husband was fearful of losing his job. He took all the money from his 401K so we could have a nice sized safety net. It was $80k USD. A few months later he bet it all on the S&P without telling me and lost it all. I was devastated and considered leaving him. I chose to forgive him. Since then I had to take a 50k government business loan to try and salvage my business amidst covid to pay our debt. My business is failing anyhow, I'm working the equivalent of 3 part time jobs (which feels like 2 fulltime jobs), we're saddled with debt all in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant at 40 years old. Had he used that $80k as the safety net we had discussed, I could have shut the business down, the company had a decent amount in the bank at the time, i wouldnt have taken a government loan and it would have covered our payments. I'm so exhausted. I just want to give up but I have to work harder all the time. Sometimes I want to scream at him about how much he screwed this up. But I forgave him and so I bite my lip because what is done cannot be undone and I stayed. I can't take care of myself there's no time, I don't think I'll ever have a baby. Life seems more and more pointless

Oh you resent it do you.....

Oh well 😬😂

OP said he lost it betting on S&P, which is exactly what you've just said. So yes, she may well have had the truth as to how the money has been lost.

It may not have been sensible to withdraw from the 401K to provide a safety net, but people do such things. But to say yet again, he didn't lose it by investing in S&P, OP says he lost it betting on S&P. It is quite possible to lose all your money that way, especially if we are talking about spread betting. Indeed, if you bet that S&P is going down, you could end up losing all your money when S&P goes up.

Yes he did indeed loose $80k on the S&P. I took a long hard look at all of our finances after that stunt and continue to keep an eye on it all. Investing and betting on the S&P are 2 different things. Watch the movie The Big Short. My husband short the market at the wrong time and lost. So did many others at that time. When betting on the S&P in this way, you can either lose big or win big. Obviously he lost. He just neglected to involve me in his decision which was a major betrayal. He didn't lose his job, he got a job with a different company, making less money but a decent wage. I wouldn't have taken the government business loan if we had that $80k safety net. I don't have an unhealthy attachment to my business and the business still had some money in the bank. Taking the loan was just the only way we could cushion our finances to cover our monthly payments. Even if i had still taken the loan, the plan was to put the money in an account and not touch it so it would truly be a safety net fund. At this moment $80k would be more than enough to repay the government loan and our other debts. Instead we are living paycheck to paycheck. In essence I wasted a lot of time and energy continuing my business during the pandemic just to have a wage in the form of a government loan. I traded one debt for another debt. I know it's nonsense, it was just a matter of survival at that stage. I don't need financial input. I know quite well what happened. And yes, I'm 40 and above all want/need to have a child. There really is no point to my life without a child. There's no starting over at this age and sadly I cannot afford IVF. I suppose I'm not asking advice. I just need to get this all off my chest. I have forgiven him, but I haven't forgotten. Especially when the consequences of his actions are still so very present in life.

It all sounds such a mess. Can you separate your need for a child from this relationship? It sounds like the resentment could break it It the long term.

How long have you been trying to get pregnant?

Big hug, it all sounds like a pretty crap situation :( I don't know what advice to offer. It is a risk but many people do take them and some win, some lose as you say. An acquaintance I know put £100K into shares of a company last year, convinced they were going to sky rocket and make him a lot of money.....they didn't and they are currently worth about £20K :( :(. His family were begging him to put in 10% of that amount but he was arrogant and thought he was onto a sure thing! He seems like an intelligent man in all other respects but I think people just get a bit carried away sadly. In this instance he can make that money back reasonably easily but it's a very painful lesson to have learned.

To clarify, he can make that money back in other ways i.e. bonuses from job he's in.

He hasn't lost anything, he hasn't sold his shares so the loss is not realised.

S+P is one of the main US stock indexes. It has not dropped more than 30% But it is possible to lose your whole investment if it's leveraged or through complex instruments like CFDs. Brokerages set up nieve small investors to fail in this way, sometimes by lending money to invest. To be fair they carry a legal warning which says"83% of retail investors lose money".

Try reading what OP said. He did not invest in S&P. He bet on it. He doesn't own any shares. From the sounds of OP's posts, he got into spread betting and the market moved the wrong way. It is very easy to lose all your money like that.

From the update it sounds like he bought options rather than shares so the money is gone, unfortunately.

True - but the likelihood of these shares going back up to the value he bought them at is slim. But he will wait it out and see.

He doesn't own the shares he's gambling on the S+P via options or some other complex instrument. Or he is leveraged and been margin called. That is how he lost the money.

You say that there is no point to your life without a child, you are 40 and have not conceived and he pissed away all your money so now you can't afford IVF?

He is a monumental arsehole. What does he say about having a child? Does he want one much as you do? Does he give a shit about your happiness?

Sounds like you are only staying with him in the hope that you will conceive.

I think you're getting your posts confused. I am talking about an acquaintance of mine who has "lost" money on declining share value. It is the OP's husband who has gambled on the S+P.

Maybe re-read my post :)

I wish that were true but that's not not how it works when you short the S&P and the market goes up. That money is long gone.

He probably shorted with leverage.

I have read your post any it's irrelevant. OPs partner won't be getting any money back from the market.

I never said OP's partner would get any money back anywhere in this thread.

If you actually had read my post like you claim to have done, you will realise that when I said that he would sit and wait for the share value to potentially go up I AM STILL TALKING ABOUT MY ACQUAINTANCE AND NOT THE OP's HUSBAND.

I posted (in sympathy) about an acquaintance who bought shares for £100K and the shares have devalued and now his shares are worth £20K. He could sit and wait and see if they come back so all is not "lost" but at the moment if he cashes in then he has lost money. None of my posts are about the OP's husband making his money back.

Read again, I am NOT referring to the OP's husband.

Sheesh!

I am sorry but all this sounds like a foreign language to me. I have to admit that although I am a middle aged women, I am very very ignorant when it comes to investing and all this terminology is making my head spin. However, I have experience with a similar situation and would like to share. My ex husband borrowed some money (significantly less then yours) and invested it just before the sensational stock market crush in 2008. He did not tell me about this at all, did not tell me, did not ask my opinion about it, so I had no idea that it had happened until at some point he started criticizing my spending. This was very strange to me because we both had good jobs at the time and I thought were doing well. He was the one who was dealing with our finances. When he told me what happened I was so mad; to borrow, invest and loose and not tell me at all was totally unacceptable. To make the matters worse, he never actually apologized to me. He kept insisting he was doing what he thought was best for our family. I did not forgive or forget him for this at all, but decided to stay with him anyway. We have three kids who were young at the time and I could not imagine leaving him.

However, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this was a beginning of an end for our marriage. We separated in 2021 and our divorce order has gone through this year. I do not know how I survived all these years, but I can tell you that I wish, so much, that I left him that year. From then on, things only got worse. I resented him for what he had done but also for not including me in making this decision. I stopped trusting him with our money, our lives and I lost all respect for him. This kind of damage cannot be repaired.

If you want to have a child with him, I understand and would say, go ahead, but that does not mean that you have to stay and share your future with him. It is up to you to decide of course. Good luck OP!

Try reading my post, I was quoting another comment which is unrelated to the OP

Touche! Sorry.