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Original poster

Husband lost 80k

147 replies

crosseydlobster · 16/03/2023 01:25

I'm just so overwhelmed and have nobody to discuss it with. I don't believe in airing out my relationship problems with other family members so none of them know. During the pandemic my husband was fearful of losing his job. He took all the money from his 401K so we could have a nice sized safety net. It was $80k USD. A few months later he bet it all on the S&P without telling me and lost it all. I was devastated and considered leaving him. I chose to forgive him. Since then I had to take a 50k government business loan to try and salvage my business amidst covid to pay our debt. My business is failing anyhow, I'm working the equivalent of 3 part time jobs (which feels like 2 fulltime jobs), we're saddled with debt all in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant at 40 years old. Had he used that $80k as the safety net we had discussed, I could have shut the business down, the company had a decent amount in the bank at the time, i wouldnt have taken a government loan and it would have covered our payments. I'm so exhausted. I just want to give up but I have to work harder all the time. Sometimes I want to scream at him about how much he screwed this up. But I forgave him and so I bite my lip because what is done cannot be undone and I stayed. I can't take care of myself there's no time, I don't think I'll ever have a baby. Life seems more and more pointless

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 16/03/2023 09:42

No idea what any if this means. He took 401k then that became 80k then it became dollars. Then he gambled on S&P.?? And lost the lot.

dworky · 16/03/2023 09:44

This man is lying to you & cannot be trusted.
If I were in the exact position you are now, I would free myself & have a baby alone. You can't afford to wait & will regret it your entire life otherwise.

Luckyluv · 16/03/2023 09:44

I'd look at your options on declaring bankruptcy - I don't know how it works in the USA but I'd try and get some proper financial advice. In the UK that would be Citizens Advice Bureau - I'm sure they'll be an USA equivalent.

RunTowardsTheLight · 16/03/2023 09:46

@Viviennemary The 401k isn't an amount of money - it's the name of a retirement investment vehicle in the US. The $80k is the amount he lost.

pompei8309 · 16/03/2023 09:47

crosseydlobster · 16/03/2023 01:25

I'm just so overwhelmed and have nobody to discuss it with. I don't believe in airing out my relationship problems with other family members so none of them know. During the pandemic my husband was fearful of losing his job. He took all the money from his 401K so we could have a nice sized safety net. It was $80k USD. A few months later he bet it all on the S&P without telling me and lost it all. I was devastated and considered leaving him. I chose to forgive him. Since then I had to take a 50k government business loan to try and salvage my business amidst covid to pay our debt. My business is failing anyhow, I'm working the equivalent of 3 part time jobs (which feels like 2 fulltime jobs), we're saddled with debt all in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant at 40 years old. Had he used that $80k as the safety net we had discussed, I could have shut the business down, the company had a decent amount in the bank at the time, i wouldnt have taken a government loan and it would have covered our payments. I'm so exhausted. I just want to give up but I have to work harder all the time. Sometimes I want to scream at him about how much he screwed this up. But I forgave him and so I bite my lip because what is done cannot be undone and I stayed. I can't take care of myself there's no time, I don't think I'll ever have a baby. Life seems more and more pointless

Your husband’s a lier, your business is failing and you’re trying to get pregnant?

pompei8309 · 16/03/2023 09:47

pompei8309 · 16/03/2023 09:47

Your husband’s a lier, your business is failing and you’re trying to get pregnant?

Show quote history

liar

Hydrangeatea · 16/03/2023 09:50

CoolasCucumbers · 16/03/2023 08:48

I see.

well as this is a UK site, it's better if she uses sterling not dollars.

OP ought to realise that not everyone is familiar with these types of investments. Might be better to post in the finance forum.

Show quote history

Or perhaps those that are not qualified to answer, simply don't answer?

horseyhorsey17 · 16/03/2023 09:50

As OP is 40 and clearly thinks this is her last shot at a baby, then it's understandable why she's trying to get pregnant despite her financial situation and dodgy OH. Let's not be too judgy.

She does need to find out what really happened to that money though.

butterfliedtwo · 16/03/2023 09:58

Hydrangeatea · 16/03/2023 09:50

Or perhaps those that are not qualified to answer, simply don't answer?

Show quote history

Exactly this.

OP, don't bring a baby into this mess. Rethink your marriage. It all sounds suspicious.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 16/03/2023 09:59

Sorry but if he has “ lost” your money I wouldn’t be having a kid with this man!

Viviennemary · 16/03/2023 09:59

Thanks for explaining runtowardsthelight.

Puppers · 16/03/2023 10:13

CoolasCucumbers · 16/03/2023 08:48

I see.

well as this is a UK site, it's better if she uses sterling not dollars.

OP ought to realise that not everyone is familiar with these types of investments. Might be better to post in the finance forum.

Show quote history

These are recognisable terms to lots of UK users. Lots of us know exactly what a 401k is, are familiar with the S&P (which lots of UK users will have holdings in themselves), and are not confused by the use of $ instead of £. If you are confused by these things and don't feel willing or able to carry out a simple Google search, then the solution is simply to scroll past and find another thread to participate in. It's not up to you to police what other users post and where they post it. Not every thread has to be tailored to your preferences.

CoolasCucumbers · 16/03/2023 10:14

Hydrangeatea · 16/03/2023 09:50

Or perhaps those that are not qualified to answer, simply don't answer?

Show quote history

Goodness me.

So posters aren't allowed to ask questions in order to try to make a comment?

It's abundantly clear from the posts here that many of us are confused by the OP's post.

Not all as 'qualified' as you are.

Bunce1 · 16/03/2023 10:18

is he in work?

Has he lied to you or simply hidden how bad it was?

Bankruptcy might be your best bet.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/03/2023 10:39

horseyhorsey17 · 16/03/2023 09:50

As OP is 40 and clearly thinks this is her last shot at a baby, then it's understandable why she's trying to get pregnant despite her financial situation and dodgy OH. Let's not be too judgy.

She does need to find out what really happened to that money though.

Sorry, but deliberately bringing a human being into this shitshow, "last shot" or not, is reprehensible.

prh47bridge · 16/03/2023 10:41

For the benefit of those saying OP's husband is lying, she does NOT say he invested in S&P as you seem to think. She says he bet it on S&P. That suggests spread betting on the S&P 500 index. It is possible to lose a lot of money that way. So yes, it is quite possible he lost the whole lot spread betting on S&P.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 16/03/2023 10:41

Good grief, it is in black and white. Rather than see how to make it together, concentrate on how to get yourself out of this mess as best as you can without consideration for his needs (you can consider him once that you are not drowning) and no, do not EVER try for a baby with someone you can’t trust. These are massive red flags, you will be an idiot (albeit one with a too good for her own good heart) if you walk past them.

Slutdrop · 16/03/2023 10:42

Lovingmynewbicycle · 16/03/2023 02:34

Definitely lying. Crypto, derivatives, futures - or just plain old gambling. But whatever he's told is a pack of lies.

I don't think he's lying. OP said he bet on the S&P. It depends how many contracts he bought (one contract is worth $12.50) which way he thought the market would go....etc etc. It's called futures trading, and it's brutal if you don't know what you're doing. I've lost several thousands in one day trading futures making a bad decision (also made several thousands at other times, depends on lots of different factors)
However, if he had invested in the S&P, that's different. He should still have some funds left.
In conclusion, I don't think he's lying, I'd say he's been very foolish thinking he can 'get rich quick'.

Hydrangeatea · 16/03/2023 11:21

CoolasCucumbers · 16/03/2023 10:14

Goodness me.

So posters aren't allowed to ask questions in order to try to make a comment?

It's abundantly clear from the posts here that many of us are confused by the OP's post.

Not all as 'qualified' as you are.

Show quote history

You didn't just ask a question though did you - you patronisingly suggested she post in terms that you might understand in order for you to comment.

No one needs your comment that badly :)

CoolasCucumbers · 16/03/2023 11:45

Hydrangeatea · 16/03/2023 11:21

You didn't just ask a question though did you - you patronisingly suggested she post in terms that you might understand in order for you to comment.

No one needs your comment that badly :)

Show quote history

With respect, you aren't here as a moderator, so maybe you should step back and stop telling other posters what is valid to post and what isn't.

My comment was far from patronising. It asked if she was referring to dollars or sterling because 80K in dollars is not £80K.

Your comments however to me, say an awful lot about you.

Rowthe · 16/03/2023 11:54

I'm sorry but this makes zero sense.

The s and p. Has only decreased abit.

I think he may have shorted or bet on futures instead which can make you lose large amounts of cash over a short period of time.

With the s and p he should still have the majority of he cash.

Rowthe · 16/03/2023 12:01

Viviennemary · 16/03/2023 09:42

No idea what any if this means. He took 401k then that became 80k then it became dollars. Then he gambled on S&P.?? And lost the lot.

401k is an investment pot used in the US for their pension.

GMOOH2023 · 16/03/2023 12:01

With respect, you aren't here as a moderator, so maybe you should step back and stop telling other posters what is valid to post and what isn't.

Oh, the irony!

My comment was far from patronising. It asked if she was referring to dollars or sterling because 80K in dollars is not £80K.

OP was perfectly clear in her first post "It was $80k USD"

prh47bridge · 16/03/2023 12:08

Rowthe · 16/03/2023 11:54

I'm sorry but this makes zero sense.

The s and p. Has only decreased abit.

I think he may have shorted or bet on futures instead which can make you lose large amounts of cash over a short period of time.

With the s and p he should still have the majority of he cash.

OP says he has bet on S&P, not invested in it. You can spread bet on stock markets, in which case you can, as you say, lose a large amount of cash very quickly.

Peachy2005 · 16/03/2023 12:14

You can never trust him again with finances so do really want to be saddled with him for the rest of your life, with or without kids?

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