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Original poster

Found out partner has hidden savings

119 replies

Help123456779 · 15/03/2023 00:32

Hi new to this but I recently found out my partner of 8 years has been hiding how much money he has. We are due to remortgage and our mortgage broker during a phone call mentioned his bank balance, this came as a shock as I’m currently on SMP and worrying most nights about whether we can afford the mortgage and make ends meet but the whole time he’s been sat with more than enough money to cover these costs. I’m still paying exactly half to all bills and have zero spare money for myself. I feel hurt by the lies and really feel I can’t trust him now but he doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem and can’t understand why I’m hurt but I feel betrayed, he knows how I’ve struggled with PPD too as money worries only added to this, I feel like he could have taken a lot of pressure off me if he’d have been honest with his finances. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 15/03/2023 00:37

That's despicable and he's financially exploiting you. Bill him at the market rate for a good nanny, plus whatever other services you're providing?

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 15/03/2023 00:40

Is it hiding his assets, or having some of his own money as a getaway/crisis kind of safety net? If it's the latter, I think that's fine-lots of women do this as a protective measure.

Onnabugeisha · 15/03/2023 00:43

It sort of depends on what you agreed to? If you agreed to separate finances, 50/50 split and the rest is each partners to have no questions asked- then this was always going to happen. I’m a bit surprised you agreed to 50/50 while on SMP though- how did that happen?

What exactly did he lie about?

girljulian · 15/03/2023 00:49

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 15/03/2023 00:40

Is it hiding his assets, or having some of his own money as a getaway/crisis kind of safety net? If it's the latter, I think that's fine-lots of women do this as a protective measure.

This -- it's always recommended on mumsnet that women have a crisis safety net and rightly so.

Lovingmynewbicycle · 15/03/2023 00:55

What discussions did you have about finances and childcare responsibilities before you decided to have am child? Was marriage ever an option - if not, why not? What did the two of you actually agree?

Having said that, he clearly does not care enough about you and your wellbeing to be considered a good prospect for a life partner. In your shoes I'd be making other plans.

SandyY2K · 15/03/2023 02:17

How are you managing to pay half the bills on SMP? That's not fair.

ArcticSkewer · 15/03/2023 02:24

You need to go back to work (fulltime) as soon as possible. Or renegotiate terms with your partner. It's horrible to expect you to pay half from SMP while he can continue to save. Make sure you don't subsidise him further by paying more for the baby's things as well - easily done.

neighboursmustliveon · 15/03/2023 02:30

As others have said, if you are 50/50, then how much he has saved isn't too much of an issue. The issue (and this would still be an inside without his savings) is that YOU. are baring all the financial brunt of this child. You pay has dropped and yet you are still contributing 50%? This isn't right. Will you bring paying 100% of the childcare when you go back to work as well?

Angeldelight50 · 15/03/2023 02:36

How have you ended up paying half the bills on SMP? This is a pisstake. If the reason you are paying half is because you thought money was tight for both of you, I would say his savings are an issue. Did you have a discussion about how the finances would be divided when baby arrived?

Agree with PP’s - Go back to work FT and don’t fall in the trap of paying for all baby related items.

MintJulia · 15/03/2023 02:37

Plenty of people have a crisis fund because thy know their partners are not so good with money.

So it depends. If he has a £20k redundancy fund and hasn't mentioned it because you tend to spend on nice but unnecessary things like holidays, or because he's had a redundancy scare in the past, then I can understand it.

If however, you're struggling week to week to buy food, and he's still adding to his savings, that's completely unfair.

Codlingmoths · 15/03/2023 03:20

You have discovered your partner has no interest in supporting his child. You are at home to recover and look after baby and financially he thinks that has nothing to do with him. Just stop paying in for joint bills. Explain a baby is a joint decision, I grew and birthed this baby for us and part of your contribution is managing the finances while I’m off work. I can’t afford it, so I am not paying it.

don’t buy a new house. When you go back to work, make him do the childcare drop off or pick up each day. If he does the drop off disappear early so he’s on his own- don’t be one of those women who hand their Dh a dressed fed baby with bag packed and he has to drive them to childcare. I’d he doesn’t change, I’d throw him back. His attitude to money is unacceptable, and you can’t trust him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2023 03:26

Another woman who has been conned into thinking that it's 'fair' to be 50:50 when they are losing their wages to look after a joint baby. Don't tell me, a marriage is 'just a piece of paper'.

And yes women should have fuck off funds because they are the ones left without wages and saving normally. But you save it AFTER bills are paid. OP is worrying about money while he saves? No.

Noicant · 15/03/2023 05:33

This is not ok, either you are a family or you aren’t. I’d never leave DH to worry or struggle to meet his commitments while sitting on a pile of cash. People have various ways of contributing to a family pot but it must be fair, whether it’s percentage of income, whether it’s one pot, it doesn’t matter as long as no-one is left struggling when they don’t have to.

This is not what someone who loves you does. Think very carefully if you want a mortgage with this man. He knows he had that money and he knows you had his baby and he still expected you to contribute out of SMP. Not how you treat someone you genuinely care about. Would you do that to him? Think about what it takes to be such a selfish bastard.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/03/2023 06:06

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 15/03/2023 00:40

Is it hiding his assets, or having some of his own money as a getaway/crisis kind of safety net? If it's the latter, I think that's fine-lots of women do this as a protective measure.

Totally not normal when your partner is the one on statutory maternity pay. This sounds like the polar opposite. A man hoarding money so that the woman can’t get away.

This is financial abuse op. I’d be very wary of continuing this relationship as he doesn’t value you as the woman, who grew and cares for your baby.

CrystalCoco · 15/03/2023 06:11

It really depends on how he came to have these savings.

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're entitled to any of his money.

carriedout · 15/03/2023 06:19

CrystalCoco · 15/03/2023 06:11

It really depends on how he came to have these savings.

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're entitled to any of his money.

What a depressing attitude. You advocate financial abuse and financial control of women here - the OP explains she has no money as she is on SMP after having this man's baby.

There is a norm in healthy relationships that money gets used fairly and to allow for a good life for the children. The precise details of a fair split can vary, but a woman struggling on maternity pay does not sound fair.

LoatheOfBread · 15/03/2023 06:22

I think a partner having their own savings is prudent, male or female however it's ridiculous to make the mother of your child pay half if you have more money and her income is reduced and it's cruel to know she is worrying about money when you have some set aside.
I echo going back to work full time and make him pay half for the childcare costs as well. Don't be a SAHM if you're unmarried.

LoatheOfBread · 15/03/2023 06:29

8 years and not married, he hides money, makes you pay half when you don't have as much, doesn't step in and ease financial burden when your finances are reduced... AND HE KNOWS how stressed you've been about money.... he probably won't be around if you're sick.

This lie of being an independent woman and equal in everything doesn't benefit women.

rwalker · 15/03/2023 06:31

Having savings is fine your both financially independent 50/50
irrespective of savings did you not discuss who’s paying what when your on smp

carriedout · 15/03/2023 06:42

rwalker · 15/03/2023 06:31

Having savings is fine your both financially independent 50/50
irrespective of savings did you not discuss who’s paying what when your on smp

This is batshit. She's not financially independent as she's on SMP after having his baby.

Bunnyishotandcross · 15/03/2023 07:12

Invoive him at a daily rate for half the cost of being a sahm.... What a twat.

EggBlanket · 15/03/2023 07:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2023 03:26

Another woman who has been conned into thinking that it's 'fair' to be 50:50 when they are losing their wages to look after a joint baby. Don't tell me, a marriage is 'just a piece of paper'.

And yes women should have fuck off funds because they are the ones left without wages and saving normally. But you save it AFTER bills are paid. OP is worrying about money while he saves? No.

This. Why are you having babies and giving him your money when you’re not even married?

AgentJohnson · 15/03/2023 07:24

Never assume. You have slept walked into a very vulnerable situation but now you are awake and know that you both have very different attitude to finances and financial support. You need to base future decisions on the person he is and not who you hoped he would be.

AviMav · 15/03/2023 07:26

Did your partner tell you how much he earns? You need to see an actual wage slip... is your partner selfish in general?

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 15/03/2023 07:26

My dh did this. I found out he had 10k saved whilst I was getting more in debt every month. It felt like a huge betrayal. It still does. However he explained it was profit from his rental flat so he didn't consider it income per se as it was for the tax bill and has now actually been used to extend the lease.

However it could still have been used for that with my knowledge. Or dipped into for big expenses (we had a new oven when it broke which I had to buy on credit) without life always hitting me financially.
I am still not ok with the secrecy 18 months on.
I now have no debt thanks to my mum, and have got a better paid job and am saving for first time in our 15 year marriage. In the back of my mind, I am getting things in order for me and the kids for in case it's needed as the trust has taken a hit. I don't ever want to feel I can't leave because of money. I just don't think there should be such a financial imbalance but the secrecy is the issue, not the number of £ in the bank.