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Original poster

Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

426 replies

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:03

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 14/03/2023 12:39

Oops! I missed that

A few things keep this couple together

1- Your father was sexually attracted to this woman

2- Your father wanted to look after this woman

3- your father may have asked this woman to stay at home and run the house

4- your father likes what this woman represents (just because she doesn’t mirror him it means nothing)

5- I’d be very surprised if this woman is as dull as you claim and no offence to you but your father sounds quite dull to me - quite unexciting, just because he can hold a deep conversation - well many women are likely to fall into a deep sleep 🤣🤣 the way you describe him

6- he simply couldn’t believe this one date stayed awake after listening to his deep intellectual, stimulating chat………

7- TIP - watch out that you don’t turn into your father!!!

SecondRow · 14/03/2023 12:39

She is fine as a person, there's just not much going on there.

This is the part that stands out for me. You just don't know what it is that is going on inside her head. Everyone has an inner life, you know? Even people that you imagine would narrate it very differently to you.

ReneBumsWombats · 14/03/2023 12:40

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 12:37

@Puppers You haven't actually written anything about her character, her values, her personality. You appear to view her through a very narrow lens (largely only whether or not she is academic or "clever").

She is a nice person. She cares about others and she is sweet but there isn't a lot to her personality and it's not because she's quiet or shy, she's just kind of simple. Her personality is 'light', she isn't especially funny but she is bubbly and pleasant. She can be quite self-centred and snobbish and she has her own children that she has pretty much neglected over the years in favour of her husband. I think if I asked her what she values, she would say she values her husband and probably doesn't contemplate 'her values' much more than that. Does that help?

I have never fallen out with her, I get along with her well, she's nice to spend time with but I don't think she is especially contemplative or complex.

Previous posters criticized me for using the word vapid, but it exists in language for a reason.

Well, that's obviously what works for your dad.

I can't see a partnership between her and a man just like her going very well.

Crabwoman · 14/03/2023 12:41

My parents are like this, but the roles are reversed. They are an absolute team.

My mum is intellectual, creative and a deep thinker.
My dad is practically clever (think I.T, Maths), never read a book in his life, would rather be watching the football etc.

My mum is celebrated in her vocation. But also riddled with anxiety and depression, is terrible at small talk and people find her difficult.

My father understands her, supports her, brings her out of her depression and is an excellent companion at functions as he can do the networking. She has given him confidence in his own voice and opinion over the years.

She is a thinker, he is a doer. And it works brilliantly.

They do have some shared interests in terms of gardening, both are francophiles

Their best mates are retired academics who are also 50+ Years married and their house is a war zone.

blacktreacles · 14/03/2023 12:42

Maybe they’re into kink and she’s a dominatrix in the bedroom.

Maybe you’re dad doesn’t like being challenged and prefers a quieter woman with no opinions of her own..

Maybe not.. but I’m guessing they have a genuine connection that might not be so obvious on the surface.

Salverus · 14/03/2023 12:43

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 12:37

@Puppers You haven't actually written anything about her character, her values, her personality. You appear to view her through a very narrow lens (largely only whether or not she is academic or "clever").

She is a nice person. She cares about others and she is sweet but there isn't a lot to her personality and it's not because she's quiet or shy, she's just kind of simple. Her personality is 'light', she isn't especially funny but she is bubbly and pleasant. She can be quite self-centred and snobbish and she has her own children that she has pretty much neglected over the years in favour of her husband. I think if I asked her what she values, she would say she values her husband and probably doesn't contemplate 'her values' much more than that. Does that help?

I have never fallen out with her, I get along with her well, she's nice to spend time with but I don't think she is especially contemplative or complex.

Previous posters criticized me for using the word vapid, but it exists in language for a reason.

OP, perhaps she doesn't open up to you very much.

I'm not sure what you need to hear that would make you understand the relationship or whether you are better off accepting that you may never know.

Quitelikeit · 14/03/2023 12:44

They clearly have a connection that the op cannot fathom

Op if you were emotionally intelligent you’d be able to look at their dynamic and work out what it is

However something tells me that actually you don’t know much about their relationship and their daily dynamics to reach your own conclusion

furryfrontbottom · 14/03/2023 12:44

I guess she fucks like a stoat on cocaine.

Quitelikeit · 14/03/2023 12:44

I can’t understand for a minute why they’d keep you at arms length 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Salverus · 14/03/2023 12:45

furryfrontbottom · 14/03/2023 12:44

I guess she fucks like a stoat on cocaine.

Lol! I mean, honestly there could be lots of kinky things about them! The point is you'll never know!

RotundRuby · 14/03/2023 12:45

This is what a lot of men want. I read something recently about how many men desire submissive wives and yet raise dominant daughters. The daughter is a reflection of them whereas a partner is a different dynamic.

privateeyeeye · 14/03/2023 12:48

I work with a lot of men like this -'economist, hard working and very career-focused,'. I don't know their wives but I do know that the men do not like to be contradicted and they climb the career ladder partly so their word is law. I bet most of their wives are good looking, run a good house and are always there for them.

They want someone is a small world, who will think they are great, and are mainly at home to look after them!

Do they see women as equal? They try to pretend they do at work, but really you can tell that they don't. And if they do, the woman is treated like an honorary man, and NOT fanciable.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2023 12:48

You certainly seem to prize intelligence/intellect above all. That's pretty shallow, to think that one quality is all that matters instead of the myriad of qualities that make up a human being. And frankly, it's probably one of the least important qualities in a loving relationship. Good relationships are built on emotion. Yes, there are practicalities involved, but it's the emotions involved that make the relationship work, make it last. And are the hardest to quantify.

My DH and I (35+ years) are pretty opposite. He's very practical and outdoorsy, I'm more cerebral and 'indoorsy'. I'm a thinker, he's a doer. But we just work. I guess the best way to put it is we 'complete' each other, we balance each other. And that has nothing to do with 'intelligence'. It has to do with emotion.

Since your dad & stepmum have been married 40 years, I assume you are at least in your 40s yourself. Are you married/'partnered'? I think if you think about your own relationship you may come to realize how much your emotions play in the success of your relationship, if successful it is.

I don't know if your parents divorced or if your mum died, but if they divorced how much do you think your mum's point of view may have colored yours?

Finally, your stepmum deserves your respect, simply because she makes your dad happy. And I assume she had at least something to do with your upbringing. If you feel you've turned out to be a decent person, she deserves your respect for her part in that, too.

TheShellBeach · 14/03/2023 12:50

".........................she has her own children that she has pretty much neglected over the years in favour of her husband. I think if I asked her what she values, she would say she values her husband"

Well, there's your answer, OP. She values your dad above everything and everybody else in her life, including her children.

He must love being adored/worshipped/valued by his wife. So maybe he's as shallow as you're suggesting she is vapid.

Hellenabe · 14/03/2023 12:51

I guess your dad wants someone different. I know someone like this, super smart, successful, a bit introverted. Wife is very flakey, hippyish, no job. I think he likes that she is different to him

Hellenabe · 14/03/2023 12:53

privateeyeeye · 14/03/2023 12:48

I work with a lot of men like this -'economist, hard working and very career-focused,'. I don't know their wives but I do know that the men do not like to be contradicted and they climb the career ladder partly so their word is law. I bet most of their wives are good looking, run a good house and are always there for them.

They want someone is a small world, who will think they are great, and are mainly at home to look after them!

Do they see women as equal? They try to pretend they do at work, but really you can tell that they don't. And if they do, the woman is treated like an honorary man, and NOT fanciable.

@privateeyeeye agree

BeachBlondey · 14/03/2023 12:54

Sounds like your Dad had a high flying career. It will have suited him very well to have a pretty wife at home, doing the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, laundry and life admin. She kept the home fires burning and they probably had good sex as well. She didn't need to work, because he was earning plenty. He could come home and do no chores, because she had done it all. It's a symbiotic relationship, the likes of which worked for decades before Women's Lib. They've been together for 40 years now, will know each other inside out, and love each other. They can probably sit in a room together and be silent, in absolute comfort.

What is it they say? Every working woman needs a wife.

coffeeschmoffee · 14/03/2023 12:55

Salverus · 14/03/2023 10:39

Perhaps she's kind to him? Perhaps she doesn't expect him to be intellectually stimulating all the time? Perhaps they fancy each other?

This. Men often have affairs with women like this for the same types of reasons.

BillyNighysWife · 14/03/2023 12:56

I am in my 60s and have seen a lot of life, seen lots of different relationships. There is a secret to a happy relationship that everybody my age and older knows. The problem is, younger people don’t want to hear what this secret is. Films, books, culture generally seems intent on portraying successful relationships as being about a meeting of minds, chemistry etc etc as this is interesting to convey on screen on the page. The reality is very difficult to convey not just on the screen but in front of friends and family.

The secret to a happy relationship is kindness. That’s it, that’s all. Kindness is an accumulation of thoughtful acts such as taking charge of paying bills, making tea every morning, listening intently to the other etc etc. Your father can find intellectual stimulation really easily. Finding a woman who has been kind for decades is gold dust. That’s their secret.

FrustatedAgain · 14/03/2023 12:56

Ying and Yang! They probably both bring balance to one another, as long as their core values are the same the other things don't really matter so much.

SunshineLoving · 14/03/2023 12:58

You could have no idea how clever your step mum really is. Just because she doesn't tell you everything she knows, that doesn't mean she's not clever and an interesting person

You seem quite obsessed with your dad and how much better than his wife he is.

How could you possibly know what they talk about when they're alone?

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/03/2023 13:01

I guess a good starting point for your thought process is what is your mother like? Is she intellectual? Or is she like your step mother? Put it into the context of life of their divorce and what he was looking for? What was the world like when they got together etc

MrsRandom123 · 14/03/2023 13:01

Is op single? Sounds bitter and jealous

AliceOlive · 14/03/2023 13:03

It’s interesting you aren’t asking instead why she wants to be with him. You have a set of things you believe are valuable in a woman. It’s either not what he values or you have misjudged her completely.

You mentioned you have different values from her, too. I do think counseling would help. You are quite old to be so consumed with the relationship of your father that you started a whole thread about it.

Butchyrestingface · 14/03/2023 13:05

As has been suggested, they probably have red-hot monkey sex.

Most people don't like to let their brains go there when it comes to close family members but have to assume OP is okay with hearing it since she started a thread like this.