Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

Don't forget to post 'I don't like experts' either.

Don't be snide, I have nothing against intellectuals, & value several as close chums. I just dislike snobs.

[EthicalNonMahogany]

Also OP you don't "need counselling" for asking why two people who are different might love each other.

You might enjoy counselling to understand your own approach to your own intelligence. It's so interesting, honestly.

[Quitelikeit]

Do they have children together? If not why not?

are you an only child? Why did your parents break up?

how old were they when they got together ?
I have my thoughts but I’ll wait until I know the above before posting

Also ignore the hatred on here! Jeez I don’t know why they just don’t post if they can’t be reasonable

[80s]

@XelaM I wonder if this lady didn't like being around her dh's friends as it made her feel inadequate. Quite sad, really. Her dh sounds like a decent, loving person, but maybe she'd have been happier in different surroundings. Her choice, though, I guess! And now she gets to go back to her village, so it's a happy ending for her :)

[Quitelikeit]

I mean your Dad and step mom when I say how old were they when they got together

[Tiddler39]

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

No, intellectual snobbery to call your dad's wife of 4 decades "vapid".

Maybe she is vapid?

Some people just are.

[Salverus]

My MIL has very little interest in current affairs. Has never had a job. Spent her life looking after her husband. Watches reality TV. But she's kind, a good cook and can be funny. I've never wondered why her and FIL were married - he was intelligent, driven, successful career etc.

I really think this is about you and your opinion of your SM. What do you like about her?

[RealMcKoy]

This is such a great post and I am sure it will resonate with many.
It has with me.

[Gwlondon]

Maybe she takes a step back when you are present so you can have a relationship with your father? I mean maybe he likes that she doesn't want to interfere, as she is the second wife?

She is probably still managing her housekeeper.

Maybe she is low maintenance. He likes that?

sorry, no other ideas.

[Adifferentheadspace]

Your post is really nasty. I have a difficult relationship with my stepmother but it wouldn’t occur to me to question why my Dad is with her (and objectively I can think of lots of qualities that he might find attractive about her). Clearly your Dad loves your stepmother and that’s the most powerful glue that there is for any relationship.

[ReneBumsWombats]

@Bluetrews25

Maybe she wanted to be rescued. And he liker being her big important rescuer and organiser?
Forgive me, but she may well struggle if he goes first.

Anyone will struggle when their spouse of 40+ years goes first. And don't make the classic mistake of thinking that only the rescued one had needs of the other one. A rescuer needs someone to rescue, or else what are they?

[Quitelikeit]

Yes but op might not even know SM that well! It depends how long they have been together and how much time OP has spent with them as a couple

[mumontheskoolrun]

I don't understand why you need to understand another couple's relationship?

[EmotionalSupportWyrm]

@Fairyliz

My dad and SM were very similar and I once asked him what he saw in her.
His answer ‘she thinks the sun shines out of my arse’.
Sorry to say but lots of men don’t like intelligent women they just want someone who looks up to them and sort of worships them.
That was 30 years ago and sorry to say a lot of men still think the same. I was out with friends and their husbands a couple of weeks ago and I politely disagreed with my friends husband. I thought he was going to have a heart attack he got so angry I had disagreed with him.

My inlaws had friends like that - I was in the same "field" as the husband and disagreed with him about something once, Blimey, he was not used to that at all - you could almost see the steam coming out of his ears.

[creekingmillenial]

I wonder if there is an emotional skill or value that she brings. Perhaps he actually gets privately very stressed or anxious and she is a calming influence?

[XelaM]

@80s

@XelaM I wonder if this lady didn't like being around her dh's friends as it made her feel inadequate. Quite sad, really. Her dh sounds like a decent, loving person, but maybe she'd have been happier in different surroundings. Her choice, though, I guess! And now she gets to go back to her village, so it's a happy ending for her :)

Yes I've always wondered if she would have been happier with someone other than my uncle whose family and friends clearly thought she was inadequate. But she also had opportunities to leave him because he would have always provided for her and the kids (he's very generous with money and really loves his kids - pays for everything always). So she must have been as happy with the situation as he was 🤷‍♀️

[Puppers]

You haven't actually written anything about her character, her values, her personality. You appear to view her through a very narrow lens (largely only whether or not she is academic or "clever").

Perhaps your father values her for all the other facets of her as a human being. The ones you don't seem interested in.

It's clear that you don't share a warm, close relationship with your stepmother so I imagine there's also an element of you simply not seeing much of her private persona. Perhaps she would rather chat about trivial things like game shows when you're there because she doesn't feel comfortable enough to have a real discussion about anything with you, or in your company, knowing (as she surely must) that you judge her on her intellect.

[ReneBumsWombats]

You haven't actually written anything about her character, her values, her personality. You appear to view her through a very narrow lens (largely only whether or not she is academic or "clever").

That's a good observation.

People who define themselves by how academic or clever they believe themselves to be often define other people in the same way. Ironically, it isn't a very smart thing to do. Which may explain all this confusion...

[Loraloralaughs]

Isn’t being dull/vapid subjective? I am considered very intelligent and a subject matter expert in my STEM field. My I met my DH of 30 years in a nightclub and he never finished school. He has been my rock since we met and provided me with a solid foundation when I was a broke and stressed out post grad. He then became A great father to our children and, importantly for me, I have never had to hire a handyman for anything. He has never been out of work. Doesn’t particularly have any interest in or understanding of what I do and that suits me. He also doesn’t understand my obsession with reality TV and I don’t know how he can go through life not reading books. It suits us. OP have you been in a long term successful relationship?

[Salverus]

@Quitelikeit

Yes but op might not even know SM that well! It depends how long they have been together and how much time OP has spent with them as a couple

They've been married 40 years!

[WisherWood]

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

I have a PhD and several years postdoctoral experience in academia. IME there's a substantial proportion of academic men who do not like intelligent, academic women. At all. They certainly don't want one as a partner. I think it's because they're competitive at work and so, when faced with prospect of choosing an equally academic partner, they choose not to, as it's just another bit of a competition that they might lose.

Now, your stepmother may have many brilliant qualities and so it may be that your father just loves and appreciates those qualities. Or, he might just be happy with a trophy wife. It could be a bit of both. But I agree with PP who have said that you might be needing to face up to some uncomfortable truths about your father. He might just not like intelligent women.

[Salverus]

@mumontheskoolrun

I don't understand why you need to understand another couple's relationship?

Because I'd imagine the OP wanted to be a clever,intellectual person growing up, as that's what her father was like so she assumed that's what he would want in a partner. And now she's realised that her dad is actually happy with someone who doesn't embody those values and is confused by it.

[Waferbiscuit]

@Puppers You haven't actually written anything about her character, her values, her personality. You appear to view her through a very narrow lens (largely only whether or not she is academic or "clever").

She is a nice person. She cares about others and she is sweet but there isn't a lot to her personality and it's not because she's quiet or shy, she's just kind of simple. Her personality is 'light', she isn't especially funny but she is bubbly and pleasant. She can be quite self-centred and snobbish and she has her own children that she has pretty much neglected over the years in favour of her husband. I think if I asked her what she values, she would say she values her husband and probably doesn't contemplate 'her values' much more than that. Does that help?

I have never fallen out with her, I get along with her well, she's nice to spend time with but I don't think she is especially contemplative or complex.

Previous posters criticized me for using the word vapid, but it exists in language for a reason.

[ancientgran]

@Waferbiscuit

I'm sure they do love each other but not sure that love is based on respect or mutual admiration.

I really struggle with the idea that my clever dad didn't want someone who was an intellectual equal and instead chose a life partner who talks about tv game shows. But that's me.

Maybe she's red hot in bed and that means more to him than a challenging conversation. You probably don't want that image of you dad though.