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Original poster

Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

426 replies

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:03

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

OP posts:
SeatonCarew · 14/03/2023 13:06

XelaM · 14/03/2023 11:41

OP - your post resonates so much with a family situation in my family that it's almost uncanny!

My uncle (mum's younger brother) is a hugely successful, highly intellectual, extremely nice, very popular guy who in his youth was a star athlete and very handsome. He was a successful young doctor and now is the COO of a large pharmaceutical company. He is great fun, very intelligent, everyone loves him and he has a huge circle of friends. When he was young, he had countless girls wanting to marry him. My grandmother (his mum) liked almost all of them, but he was being super picky and always found a reason why not to get married.

THEN he went on a work trip (he was a young guest lecturer at a medical school) and whilst there, eloped with one of his students. When he brought her home we couldn't believe it.

She was from a very remote village in Russia, not at all intelligent or well-educated, not particularly nice or even attractive. My family (and his friends) couldn't understand it at all and it started an elaborate campaign by my grandmother to get them divorced.

Nearly 30 years and 4 (now adult) kids later, even my grandmother had to give up. My grandmother concluded that there must be something wrong with my uncle and that he's probably some kind of weird perv. 😂His wife has never worked a day in her life, but never cooked or cleaned at home either, is still not particularly intelligent, and is not even physically attractive so my uncle usually never takes her to meet his friends or family. We still don't understand it, but he had a million opportunities to leave her and never did. In fact, he recently bought a new retirement home with her in her parents' village. 😳

It sounds like your uncle is far nicer and has far more sense than the rest of you put together.

Tried to get them to divorce? " Not even physically attractive?". Get over yourselves, it's none of your beeswax.

beAsensible1 · 14/03/2023 13:07

furryfrontbottom · 14/03/2023 12:44

I guess she fucks like a stoat on cocaine.

😂😂😂😂😂 i'm stealing this one!

BreviloquentBastard · 14/03/2023 13:08

My aunt and uncle are like this. He has to be his high flying, no nonsense, intellectually engaging self all week at work. He likes coming home to someone who is peace and warmth and kindness - who demands little of him intellectually because he spends all day being demanded of by everyone else.

He said coming home to her is like walking into a zen garden, she just wafts all the stress and aggro away with her lightness. And she adores him to the ground and is very happy to take care of him and their home. She's not very bright and is very content to just potter around in her own little world while he's very type a in everything he does and always very busy with books and hobbies and projects. But they work together, so who cares. They're happy.

Original poster
Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 13:09

@AliceOlive It’s interesting you aren’t asking instead why she wants to be with him. I do state this in my original post. I question why both want to be with one another.

But I'm not obsessed, as others have suggested, nor do I need counselling. It's a question that has niggled, so I thought I would pose it on a forum. Lesson learnt!

OP posts:
Aussiegirl123456 · 14/03/2023 13:09

My grandmother was a trophy wife. Always getting her hair done, shopping, watching TV. Cleaners, Nannie’s when the children were small. No deep conversation. No friends nor hobbies.

Then when she was in her LATE 60’s, she just randomly did a PhD in biochemistry nonetheless. For fun. Apparently she had studied science when she was younger and had read a lot over the years, but had kept it a secret from everyone but grandpa. No idea why.

Turned out she was a closet clever cookie and saved her few words for grandpa, who was much like how your dad described.

And sometimes, opposites attract and all that.

HaveYouSeenNancy · 14/03/2023 13:11

BillyNighysWife · 14/03/2023 12:56

I am in my 60s and have seen a lot of life, seen lots of different relationships. There is a secret to a happy relationship that everybody my age and older knows. The problem is, younger people don’t want to hear what this secret is. Films, books, culture generally seems intent on portraying successful relationships as being about a meeting of minds, chemistry etc etc as this is interesting to convey on screen on the page. The reality is very difficult to convey not just on the screen but in front of friends and family.

The secret to a happy relationship is kindness. That’s it, that’s all. Kindness is an accumulation of thoughtful acts such as taking charge of paying bills, making tea every morning, listening intently to the other etc etc. Your father can find intellectual stimulation really easily. Finding a woman who has been kind for decades is gold dust. That’s their secret.

I think this is the reason, op. This is what she gives him (going by your last update) and it's true that finding a partner that thinks the world of you and is kind for four decades is indeed gold dust. It's underrated.

beAsensible1 · 14/03/2023 13:12

some of you are describing "wives" as pleasant well-behaved dogs or serving wenches.

ugh.

Ishouldbeoutside · 14/03/2023 13:14

My father was a very clever man . My mother isn’t very bright and is quite child like. I don’t think he wanted a wife who would challenge him or question his authority. He wanted someone who would be around to minister to him and that was that.

AliceOlive · 14/03/2023 13:15

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 13:09

@AliceOlive It’s interesting you aren’t asking instead why she wants to be with him. I do state this in my original post. I question why both want to be with one another.

But I'm not obsessed, as others have suggested, nor do I need counselling. It's a question that has niggled, so I thought I would pose it on a forum. Lesson learnt!

You did in the first post but after reading all the others you leave the impression that your father is superior in your estimation and she is lacking. Why isn’t being a good person, being pleasant, being kind, good enough?

and count yourself lucky, because lots of step mothers are not those things at all.

Fairyliz · 14/03/2023 13:15

AliceOlive · 14/03/2023 13:03

It’s interesting you aren’t asking instead why she wants to be with him. You have a set of things you believe are valuable in a woman. It’s either not what he values or you have misjudged her completely.

You mentioned you have different values from her, too. I do think counseling would help. You are quite old to be so consumed with the relationship of your father that you started a whole thread about it.

That’s a bit unfair who’s to say the op is consumed by their relationship, surely she’s just mildly interested? I think we all would be if it’s someone we know well.

Previously Ive started a thread about my gas bill. It doesn’t mean it’s the only thing I’m thinking about. Surely we post on MN just to get other peoples opinions?

ReneBumsWombats · 14/03/2023 13:16

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 13:09

@AliceOlive It’s interesting you aren’t asking instead why she wants to be with him. I do state this in my original post. I question why both want to be with one another.

But I'm not obsessed, as others have suggested, nor do I need counselling. It's a question that has niggled, so I thought I would pose it on a forum. Lesson learnt!

The simple answer is: whatever she offers is what he wants in a life partner.

And your assessment of who she is might not be accurate anyway.

SammyScrounge · 14/03/2023 13:18

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:20

I don't dislike my SM but admittedly she's not very smart and she's not very bothered about that. I couldn't write the post without stating their differences. She is fine as a person, there's just not much going on there.

I was asking because I'm sure there are many marriages like this where two very different people are together and I'm genuinely trying to understand why it works. (And I get that many people may reply that 'it's not my business why it works'!)

She will have realised how condescending you are towards her. She's not very smart? There's not much going on there?
You come across as a person who regards herself as rather superior. I feel sorry for your Stepmother.

Mrsjayy · 14/03/2023 13:21

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 13:09

@AliceOlive It’s interesting you aren’t asking instead why she wants to be with him. I do state this in my original post. I question why both want to be with one another.

But I'm not obsessed, as others have suggested, nor do I need counselling. It's a question that has niggled, so I thought I would pose it on a forum. Lesson learnt!

But people answered you just because you didn't like some of the opinions doesn't mean it's lesson learned, although calling a woman ",vapid" will get some prickly responses!

TaraRhu · 14/03/2023 13:21

Men are dim. They don't always want an equal. Some women like to be kept. Depressing. What was your mum like?

Butchyrestingface · 14/03/2023 13:22

furryfrontbottom · 14/03/2023 12:44

I guess she fucks like a stoat on cocaine.

Well, they DO say it's always the quiet vapid ones.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 14/03/2023 13:23

I have friends (late 50s/early 60s) where the boot is on the other foot. She is clever, funny, intelligent, full of insight. She had a difficult first marriage and then married a guy who is unable to hold an intelligent conversation. But - he's kind, he looks after her. Loves her. What they talk about at home I have no idea She has her friends and Dsis for mental stimulation.

Shamdyhandy · 14/03/2023 13:23

Maybe he’s gay and it’s a marriage of convenience

Moveoverdarlin · 14/03/2023 13:23

Love, great sex, an easy life for both of them. Loads of men love going unchallenged in life. Sounds like he just wants someone to say ‘yes dear, aren’t you clever dear? And he likes having a well put together wife on his arm.

Kitcaterpillar · 14/03/2023 13:24

We still don't understand it, but he had a million opportunities to leave her and never did.

I see her luck in life did not extend to her in-laws.

AliceOlive · 14/03/2023 13:29

Moveoverdarlin · 14/03/2023 13:23

Love, great sex, an easy life for both of them. Loads of men love going unchallenged in life. Sounds like he just wants someone to say ‘yes dear, aren’t you clever dear? And he likes having a well put together wife on his arm.

I don’t like the idea of being challenged at home or by my husband, either. Life is hard enough. In fact, I’m going to speak to him about this.

MrsandProud · 14/03/2023 13:30

She must be very clever, bagging a husband like your dad.

Maybe she does not act clever with you as you seem to dislike her so much. She probably keeps her cards close to her chest

XelaM · 14/03/2023 13:31

SeatonCarew · 14/03/2023 13:06

It sounds like your uncle is far nicer and has far more sense than the rest of you put together.

Tried to get them to divorce? " Not even physically attractive?". Get over yourselves, it's none of your beeswax.

Show quote history

Yep, my grandmother really tried everything. She even gifted my uncle a flat because she thought he would find it easier to take a mistress. My uncle moved his family into the flat 😂My grandmother then had a massive tantrum and made them move etc etc. The marriage still survived and more kids came along every time 😂

Opentooffers · 14/03/2023 13:31

When they met, which one objectively would have been seen as better looking, or would you say they were about equal?
Fact is, men are more visual, that's just the way they are, they are about looks foremost, then personality after.
If he has a large ego, then being with someone who puts I'm on a pedestal could work fine at keeping him happy.
Why is she in it? Well, she's had an equally very easy life ever since - not even housework, bliss!
All in all, sounds like they have both made each others life easy in their own ways.
Do they go on holidays and socialise together?

AliceOlive · 14/03/2023 13:32

Fairyliz · 14/03/2023 13:15

That’s a bit unfair who’s to say the op is consumed by their relationship, surely she’s just mildly interested? I think we all would be if it’s someone we know well.

Previously Ive started a thread about my gas bill. It doesn’t mean it’s the only thing I’m thinking about. Surely we post on MN just to get other peoples opinions?

Show quote history

I don’t think so. Would the gas bill have been offended if you it found your thread? This is prying in a way that’s not terribly healthy for the OP.

WisherWood · 14/03/2023 13:34

beAsensible1 · 14/03/2023 13:12

some of you are describing "wives" as pleasant well-behaved dogs or serving wenches.

ugh.

Until relatively recently, women were regarded as property. If you look at the Christian marriage ceremony, it's an exchange of property. When a woman married, she went from being Miss Jenny Jones, to Mrs William Smith. Her whole identity was subsumed. Now personally I find this abhorrent. But for some men, women are like serving wenches. They don't see them as being equals but very much as lesser beings.

Now I hate this. But there is a big difference from describing women as servants, and saying that men like them to be servants.