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Original poster

Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

426 replies

Waferbiscuit · 14/03/2023 10:03

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

OP posts:
WisherWood · 14/03/2023 14:48

I'll hold my hands up to being an intellectual snob. I think I prefer it to anti-intellectualism. Of course, what I'd prefer is if it was just valued in its own right, for what it is. But in the UK the idea of people being intelligent and that being a valuable quality seems to be somewhat mocked, which explains a lot about the state we're in.

Bikeybikeface · 14/03/2023 14:49

There’s a difference between being an “expert” (whatever you think that means) and an intellectual snob. You can be intellectual without being a snob too. It’s your obvious disdain for your step mother which has led to the backlash you are getting OP.

Mirabai · 14/03/2023 14:52

Schoolsschools · 14/03/2023 14:45

what a lot of odd responses. My parents have a similar marriage. I also find it bemusing and somewhat disappointing. I think it’s partly generational - many men born in the 40s didn’t expect women to be their intellectual equals and many women were taught their role was helpmeet. But it’s also, in my parents’ case, about their personalities and life experiences. My dad was a barrister and judge, who expected to be looked after and listened to. He doesn’t like challenge at home at all. My mum, despite being perfectly intelligent and going to a very posh school, left at 16 without any o levels, never worked, and nobody thought that was a problem. She expected to marry a wealthy man and look after him.

I feel uncomfortable when I think too closely about what he actually thinks of me and my sisters. He’s seemed keen for us to be academically successful and follow our chosen careers, but I can’t help but wonder if he thinks our appearances and cooking skills are actually more important. He’s a clever, interesting man, but ultimately not as enlightened as I’d like him to be I suspect.

This particular dynamic and social bracket is so familiar. Ime that some of these men do actually change and develop with the times; and some stay rigidly entrenched in their mindset of their youth. It’s a bit potluck.

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2023 14:56

Bikeybikeface · 14/03/2023 14:49

There’s a difference between being an “expert” (whatever you think that means) and an intellectual snob. You can be intellectual without being a snob too. It’s your obvious disdain for your step mother which has led to the backlash you are getting OP.

Thank you for articulating it more clearly than I did.

DrNo007 · 14/03/2023 15:08

What @Hoppinggreen said. I am 64 and fairly intellectual – and apart from my DH, who I got together with in my late 50s, and one male platonic friend, I have never come across a man who wanted a woman who was his intellectual equal, superior, or even half-measure to him. I have had women friends who are not intellectuals/deep thinkers at all but are at least moderately physically attractive and they have men flocking after them. Sad for some of us, but true.

Mirabai · 14/03/2023 15:10

Bikeybikeface · 14/03/2023 14:49

There’s a difference between being an “expert” (whatever you think that means) and an intellectual snob. You can be intellectual without being a snob too. It’s your obvious disdain for your step mother which has led to the backlash you are getting OP.

The “backlash” is simply posters’ self-preoccupation and insecurities, it’s not really anything to do with the OP.

It’s difficult to describe someone intellectually and socially limited without sounding critical. OP owns having judged SM in the past - but now says her judgment has rather shifted to her father.

5128gap · 14/03/2023 15:14

Some people have a very rich inner life. They are happy with their thoughts and the external stimulus of reading, viewing places of interest and reflecting on them. These people may be happier with someone who offers a simpler form of companionship, kindness, affection, a sounding board. Maybe your father is one of them. Its also possible the attraction is mainly physical and he gets his intellectual stimulus elsewhere. Or maybe your SM is very different in private.

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2023 15:18

The “backlash” is simply posters’ self-preoccupation and insecurities, it’s not really anything to do with the OP.

It’s everything to do with the OP, her patronising, demeaning attitude towards her stepmother and her mother’s dismissal of her former husband as “shallow”. That comment is the same as the hundreds of posts ascribing any difference of opinion to jealousy.

mswales · 14/03/2023 15:20

I think you're massively discounting the impact of gender norms/roles and patriarchy on this whole dynamic and your assessment of you SM's intelligence. "Being intellectual" just wasn't an option for so many women of your SM's generation, and "having opinions" requires confidence and self-esteem in your own power of thinking which was again curtailed for so women of that generation, in the face of men always being the ones who got to say how the world works and being very quick to tell women they were stupid.

My mum is extremely clever - has distinctions in two Masters degrees she did in her retirement and was accepted onto a phD though never did it - but she never had a career, spends a whole lot of time watching day time TV and soaps, and doesn't express opinions about things. I won't go into her whole life story but the reason she never had a career and doesn't express opinions or appear "intellectual" now is almost entirely down to the dynamic of her relationship with my dad; his shitty behaviour both in the relationship and his traditional "masculine" personality and traits.

I would really examine your whole judgement of who your dad is and who your stepmum is through the lens of gender politics!

Mirabai · 14/03/2023 15:33

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2023 15:18

The “backlash” is simply posters’ self-preoccupation and insecurities, it’s not really anything to do with the OP.

It’s everything to do with the OP, her patronising, demeaning attitude towards her stepmother and her mother’s dismissal of her former husband as “shallow”. That comment is the same as the hundreds of posts ascribing any difference of opinion to jealousy.

That’s your interpretation - that’s the point. I don’t read it that way probably because I have more confidence.

If DM found her ex clever but superficial she has every right to that perception, you’ve never even met him. Some people are shallow. It’s a perfectly valid observation.

Ishouldbeoutside · 14/03/2023 15:35

WisherWood · 14/03/2023 14:48

I'll hold my hands up to being an intellectual snob. I think I prefer it to anti-intellectualism. Of course, what I'd prefer is if it was just valued in its own right, for what it is. But in the UK the idea of people being intelligent and that being a valuable quality seems to be somewhat mocked, which explains a lot about the state we're in.

So agree with this.

sunshinesupermum · 14/03/2023 15:43

Interesting OP. I and my partner are the same generation as your mum, dad and step mum. We first met over 40 years ago but have only been a couple for 14 years having both been married to other people in the meantime.

My partner is definitely more intellectual than me and I fall somewhere between you mum and your stepmum. Chemistry has a lot to do with the love we feel for one another and a strong emotional connection no matter how much we may differ. Love conquers all, it's said! ❤

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2023 15:45

I don’t read it that way probably because I have more confidence.

Than me? Don’t think so. 😂😂😂😂

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 14/03/2023 15:47

I haven’t read the OP the way certain other posters seem to have done. I wonder why that might be? I’m not going to ascribe it to ‘confidence’ but I do wonder if my education might come into it.

Mirabai · 14/03/2023 15:49

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2023 15:45

I don’t read it that way probably because I have more confidence.

Than me? Don’t think so. 😂😂😂😂

No disrespect, but you don’t come across as having much intellectual confidence.

Blossomtoes · 14/03/2023 15:51

Mirabai · 14/03/2023 15:49

No disrespect, but you don’t come across as having much intellectual confidence.

Show quote history

Perhaps you’d like to elaborate. I’m genuinely intrigued to know what makes you say that.

Nosleepforthismum · 14/03/2023 15:52

In my experience most people that declare themselves to be an intellectual are hard work. My BIL is highly regarded in his medical field and a member of MENSA. He is a nice guy although I can’t say he’s much fun at parties. You might think the same about his relationship with my sister from the outside. It would be an unfair observation. My BIL might be academically smart but my sister runs the show behind the scenes and is loving, kind and generous. My BIL will openly tell anyone that he couldn’t survive without her. They are very different but their relationship works because they each have different strengths they bring to the table.

I think you are struggling to see your SM’s strengths as they are things you don’t particularly value yourself.

Wiccan · 14/03/2023 16:15

Behind every successful man there is a women rolling her eyes 🙂

Crikeyalmighty · 14/03/2023 16:20

My FIL got together in his late 60s with a new partner when my MIL died . Like the OP I was a bit baffled as he is an intelligent guy and although easy going and pleasant enough she had never really worked, didn't seem to be interested in much beyond her family and doing the shopping and cleaning- and putting out bowls of nuts and olives early evening- however after she sadly died too my FIL said it worked because she didn't have opinions that would cause him to have to disagree with her because she didn't follow world affairs, politics and had poor general knowledge. He certainly doesn't much like it when myself or his son disagree with him. Personally I prefer to be with someone on a similar level when it comes to conversation, but clearly for some men and some women they are quite happy if it's not like that. His first wife had far more opinions and was quite fiery and after she died I think he went for someone who was easier to live with and her intellect didn't come into it- he just wanted someone fussing after him and agreeing with everything he said

upnorthkingsizedbed · 14/03/2023 16:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

Dweetfidilove · 14/03/2023 16:35

Your dad loves your stepmother just the way she is.

I'm guessing between work, you and his likeminded friends, he has enough intellectual challenge.

Home with her is where he gets to rest, take off his armour and just be comfortable and happy.

In return for that love, adoration and beauty, he's happy to keep her in comfort.

It's obviously worked given their 40 years and you haven't mentioned any strife between them.

HikingforScenery · 14/03/2023 16:36

WisherWood · 14/03/2023 14:18

I think you've got your answer there OP. There is more to your stepmother than you perhaps give her credit for - she's kind, she's caring, she's easy company. And there's a bit less to your dad than you think. Your mother found him lacking in inner life, so he probably doesn't need that in others. And his mother adored him and he was the golden child. He's not going to want a partner who challenges that idea.

Agree with this.
Its difficult when we begin to see our parents in a different light but it is what it is…

Wiccan · 14/03/2023 16:36

From my experience of men who they and others class as Intelligent or successful there is usually a very patient , caring but very canny women running the whole show behind them and they unfortunately mostly go un-noticed .

sunshinesupermum · 14/03/2023 16:41

crikeyalmighty this rings true for me and my partner. His wife was very fiery and I tend to be calmer. They used to talk over each other all the time which was infuriating for other people in their company!

Sparkletastic · 14/03/2023 16:42

I think the relationship doesn't reflect very well on your father whatever their marital deal is.

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