Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

Caring about others and being sweet (loving? warm?) are very important characteristics in a partner for lots of people. You skim over these parts of her and dismiss them as 'nothing to see here', but I for one value these things in another human being far, far more than their intellectual capacity. Perhaps your father feels the same.

You don't actually know what her values are, despite being related to her for 4 decades, but you’ve formed a judgement about what you imagine she would say were you to ask her.

I suspect the answer to your original query is simply that there are lots of things that your father values in her character that you either dismiss out of hand or don’t get to see because you just don’t know her very well.

He wouldn’t be the first highly intelligent not to want the challenge of an equally intelligent woman. Opposites often attract. Look at Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. After 40 years they’ve obviously got something right.

Just to answer some of the previous questions:

My mom and dad married young, divorced when I was 1. My mom found my dad a bit shallow (her words) and with a lack of inner life. She is very politically and socially active. They were and are very different. She continues to be involved in the community and active in conservation activity.

My dad grew up during the war, first child, golden boy of the family, worshipped by his mother who he also worshipped. His mother was glamorous like his wife so I can see there is a 'type' there.

My dad is smart but I think the answer is that he wants to be the smart one and fundamentally he wants an easy comfortable life at home - likes to be doted on.

I do feel I know my step mother after many years. Not everyone has a secret deep inner life or is reading philosophy in the dark when no one is looking. She's just not a very complicated person - that's it. She likes to shop, drink wine, go out for dinner. She is, I imagine, much more critical of me than I am of her in many ways as I probably miss the mark on lots of aspects of successful femininity.

I have my own life, I'm not obsessed with my parents, but I was thinking about them today and just thought I would ask a forum if they had similar experiences or useful insights, which some posters do - thank you.

Ah, now it makes sense. Your mother is an intellectual snob and has passed it on.

I think you've got your answer there OP. There is more to your stepmother than you perhaps give her credit for - she's kind, she's caring, she's easy company. And there's a bit less to your dad than you think. Your mother found him lacking in inner life, so he probably doesn't need that in others. And his mother adored him and he was the golden child. He's not going to want a partner who challenges that idea.

I don’t think people today realise how unusual it was for women to have a real career 40 years ago. A huge number of women were encouraged / expected to finish school asap, do a little typing job until marriage and children, then look after their families. Yes, there are exceptions but this was incredibly normal. It’s why the WASPI women are so cross, so many really didn’t build up pensions.

The expectations of equality have changed immensely during your Dad and Step mum’s marriage.

I reckon he likes being ‘looked after’.

For some reason they suit each other.

@Blossomtoes Ah, now it makes sense. Your mother is an intellectual snob and has passed it on. I don't mind if you call me a snob but calling my mom an intellectual snob because she is politically active and interested in conservation is pretty fucking low.

I bet you abhor the 'intellectual snobs' who fly your planes, studied medicine and perform your surgeries, run your economy or studied enough years of dentistry to be able to care for your teeth. Well done. Bah to knowledge, bah to experts!

Christ almighty. 😆

This place is nuts, OP. If you ARE a stepmother, they hate you, if you speak about your stepmother in a way that isn’t whatever they’ve deemed acceptable, they hate you.

Some (most!) people on here just hate OPs, whatever the circumstances, and will use whatever their thread is about as a stick to beat them with.

Just laugh at them. They’re all very predictable.

I think it's because your mum found your dad 'shallow'. It's not nice to be thought of as shallow, so it's not a huge leap to assume he prefers being married to someone who doesn't think he's shallow.

It does sound as if you idolise your father and his intellect a bit. How can he be this intellectual colossus and yet be married to a woman who talks about game shows? And you've come up with an explanation that's quite unflattering to your father really but at least doesn't undermine your idea of his intellect. An alternative explanation is that he's capable of an impressive career, talking to you about politics etc, and he enjoys talking to his wife about game shows and going out to dinner [shrug] People are complicated.

OP, most men don’t want to be challenged by their partner, intellectually or otherwise 😁

where did you get that idea?! 😁😁😁

Er, Marilyn Monroe was pretty intellectual, Dostoyevsky reader etc. The dumb blonde thing was just an act.

I think lots of men just want a woman-shaped thing there without thinking too much about it. He may be intelligent, but not very intellectually engaged with life itself. Similarly, lots of women just want a man to be a man, bring home the bacon, do man stuff etc. It’s not for me, but definitely still a thing and lots of people just want someone there and can’t face being alone. I’m pretty cynical about relationships these days though.

I bet you abhor the 'intellectual snobs' who fly your planes, studied medicine and perform your surgeries, run your economy or studied enough years of dentistry to be able to care for your teeth.

But OP - these are not the only desirable qualities and characteristics in human beings, surely?
I think it's a bit sad to see that you only value intellectual worth and appear to despise people who have fewer qualifications (academically speaking).

That wasn’t why I said it. It was because she considered your highly intelligent father to be “ shallow”. That’s intellectual snobbery. Most intelligent people don’t make that kind of patronising judgement of others’ intelligence. By the way, I know a pilot - hugely skilled, fantastic special awareness and coordination but the first to say definitely not an intellectual.

I know a couple of pilots and neither could be regarded as intellectual.

Ok it all makes sense from your update. He’s clever but a bit shallow, had a glamorous mother who idolised him, then found himself married to a wife who was rather critical of him, which may have been rather a shock. He wants a quiet life, someone who ships him the way his family did, looks nice and cooks a good meal.

Sounds very similar to the couple I mentioned upthread - the guy’s fault line there is also shallowness - a good looking man who he wanted a glamorous wife, even if he can’t have serious conversations with her.

OP, did your mother remarry after the divorce? If so, what's her second husband like?

And who brought you up - your mother or your stepmother?

Maybe the sex is fantastic.

Is she agreeable? Is she feminine? You can't downplay these. I think many men would choose agreeableness over someone who was intelligent but hard work to talk to.

There's also some thinking about the contrast of how men want their daughters to turn out versus how they want their life partners to be.

It’s not snobbery no. It’s a perfectly valid objective observation. Shallowness is about not having a great deal of depth or seriousness. It can also reflect preoccupation with the superficial, the external, the material, the world of appearances.

A pilot is hardly the apog of intellect.

what a lot of odd responses. My parents have a similar marriage. I also find it bemusing and somewhat disappointing. I think it’s partly generational - many men born in the 40s didn’t expect women to be their intellectual equals and many women were taught their role was helpmeet. But it’s also, in my parents’ case, about their personalities and life experiences. My dad was a barrister and judge, who expected to be looked after and listened to. He doesn’t like challenge at home at all. My mum, despite being perfectly intelligent and going to a very posh school, left at 16 without any o levels, never worked, and nobody thought that was a problem. She expected to marry a wealthy man and look after him.

I feel uncomfortable when I think too closely about what he actually thinks of me and my sisters. He’s seemed keen for us to be academically successful and follow our chosen careers, but I can’t help but wonder if he thinks our appearances and cooking skills are actually more important. He’s a clever, interesting man, but ultimately not as enlightened as I’d like him to be I suspect.

Do you know, there's a lot to be said if a person is like that. I bet she is happy and content in her own skin. Peace of mind, no angst or navel-gazing. Life would definitely be easier in very many ways!

The thing about some people who have a high IQ, I have noticed, is that it can be at the expense of a low EQ. There are a lot of clever people who could be considered as being quite high on the autistic spectrum.
I'm thinking maybe your DF is not an emotional kind of guy, more stimulated by knowledge and facts, whereas your DM's political motivation may come from deeper feelings of right and wrong. It would explain why she thought him shallow.