Working from home ruining relationship

[Smothereandannoyed]

Im just having a moan. I am a housewife. Pre covid husband out at work 9-5. Since covid, works from home. Supposed to go into the office one day a week but doesn't ,Goes in maybe once a month maximum.
I know the answer is for me to go out to work but there are a lot of layers to this . My parents are disabled and require me to help them alot. My son has asd and needs me to be around. I have fibromyalgia.some days I am in a lot of pain. I dont claim benefits. We don't have family that can help with childcare etc. And we don't financially need me to work. So it's always been easier for everyone if I am at home. Kids are both in school.
My issue: I have always liked to keep busy. My routine pre covid would have been to take the kids to school, go and run errands for an hour, go to my parents for an hour, come home and do the chores, have a coffee then pick the kids up from school. Cook tea, hubby back at 5 ,have a nice chat , watch a film together for the evening.
Since covid, husband here 100% of the time , he almost never leaves the house mon-fri . He doesn't have a separate office space, refuses to do so. Just sits and works in the lounge with the TV blaring in the background.
He always wants to know what I'm doing. Always commenting on what I am or am not doing and what he thinks i should be doing. He even offered to draw me up a cleaning rota . I feel so smothered. And bored.
Every day is now exactly the same. I get up take the kids ,come back, he's still in bed. He gets up about 10. Doesn't have a shower or put on clean clothes etc. Opens his laptop , does a few emails, maybe one teams meeting a day with minimal contribution and the rest of the time watching TV or gaming. During his 40 hour working week he's doing maybe 5 hours.
We have NOTHING to talk about. Nothing happens. He has no friends and doesn't like to see family, through choice. He absolutely loves being at home and says he's living his best life. And here is me, dreading the monotonous day ahead when my alarm goes off. All my attraction to him has gone, I feel like my life is under a microscope. I am spending large amounts of time either lying on the bed upstairs so we aren't stuck in the same room together , or if I go shopping i will sit in the car for a good hour on top to just be out of the house for a bit .
All my friends are at work during the day so I see noone but him or my own parents which isn't pleasant either as they are very miserable. I feel like my life is completely empty.
If I went out to work it would involve me working, and then having to do everything when I come home aswell. He'd still be sitting in the same spot on the sofa when I come home.
I live my life wishing the days away and waiting for the school holidays so I have something to fill my time. I love doing things with the kids. But they are getting older now and are not wanting to be with us as much , they want to be out with friends. So I'm losing that now aswell. Any advice on how to get out of this rut?

He's only working 5 hours per week?

He will be on performance management and up for disciplinary soon. If not already.

Yes he is the breadwinner. I'm not allowed an opinion on how boring and empty our lives have become? And how I'm incredibly concerned for a man in his 30s to never leave the house ? And to be having no life?

Regarding his work, he is very senior management and is not required to be present on site. There is no one to check on what he does or doesn't do and his days aren't monitored by anyone. He is in charge of his own workload.
He meets all objectives and his boss is delighted with his work. But he hardly has to actually do anything, it's all delegation

How does he get away with only working 5 hours?? Surely his bosses notice!

What is your house layout? He's in the lounge, is your dining room/kitchen separate?

Sounds like hell, yes.

Find a part time job as a Balance, he can pick the boys up if he is only doing 5hrs of work a week, oh and he can fit that cleaning schedule in as well.

it doesn’t matter if he’s the breadwinner or not. You are allowed to have a life and having separate existence as well as together makes you miss / appreciate each other more when you are together.

go to meet some friends/ go join a local walking group/ go to find a class you enjoy attending.

I'm so sorry, yeah, if possible make arrangements to go out and him go out a bit, this truly can get a tad stressful

I would find a reason to be up and out of the house every day, sharpish.

Some of your story doesn't make much sense though, it sounded like you weren't seeing loads of people before anyway? And nobody can get away with so little work, even senior managers, they are in meetings constantly of nothing else.

You think a stay at home parent isn’t allowed to have any opinion on how they live their lives? Aren’t allowed to express any displeasure at anything?

I cannot believe someone in senior management only has one Teams meeting a day. Usually the calendar is packed with meetings. They are expected to make big decisions, write numerous emails. All I am saying for a senior manager he appears to have a very light workload.

But he needs to leave the house at some point. It just sounds like he is stuck to the sofa. I WFH and understand how easy that can be but you need to get out and look at something other than the four walls otherwise your world just closes in around you.

You are allowed to have your own life, so find a group you can join, volunteer somewhere etc. Keep yourself busy but in a different way. Don't be like your DH.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to back off re: commenting on what you're doing. Offering to make you a cleaning rota is outrageous and you shouldn't stand for it.

But aside from that you're being a bit unreasonable. Plenty of people have found that WFH means living their best life. It's not up to you how much he socialises, how many hours of work he does (or you think he does), what he does in his downtime (as long as he pulls his weight otherwise) or when he gets up. If you feel your life is empty, it's up to you to fill it. You should still be able to choose how you spend your days.

I WFH and I don't tend to shower til halfway through the day (I prefer to get straight into work when I wake up, and then take it easier in the middle of the day to do things like exercise). The nature of my job also means I have unpredictable downtime waiting for things to happen, so yes, it'll look like I'm slobbing out arsing around on the internet. That's not really anyone else's business. And yes, it's one of the secrets of the working world that you can easily do a 40-hour week in five hours if you're efficient and it's a slow week. That's exactly why WFH is so great.

I can see that you feel he has invaded your peaceful space. You only seem to have seen him and your parents before, so him being at home in the day hasn't changed that. You need to find a different peaceful space. All I can suggest is that you join the local library and sit there for a couple of hours a day. Or join the local leisure centre and have a swim each day then sit in their cafe with a book.

My dm felt like you do when df retired. She'd never worked and was used to having the house all to herself during the day. It took some time before she accepted it.

There's a huge portion of your day that you've changed since covid, if you can fit that back in you might feel different.

Pre covid:
School run
Errands
Go to parents
Home to chores
Cuppa
School run
Cook tea

Find yourself a routine again and stick to it, if your DH hasn't moved a muscle off the sofa, then that's on him. I know how hard it is to clean around a 'hovering husband' but you just have to get on with your life AROUND him as best you can, if he tries to distract you then tell him you're too busy to stop and chat. Or ask if he wants to have a coffee break then get back to what you want to be doing.
Basically what I'm saying is you won't change him, but you can change yourself. If you were happy before with your routine then you can get it back - yes he will be there, but put him in the background 9-5 (when he's supposed to be working anyway)

Hope you're ok OP x

I realise the issue is mostly my own. I was very lucky previously to basically be able to do what I wanted. I was NEVER a lady of leisure. I've never swanned around spending his money, getting my hair or nails done etc. I've always been happy to just Potter around etc.
But now I feel like he expects me to be cleaning etc every minute and I can never just stop for a bit of go out window shopping or something. It has to have a purpose with him or else he will comment on it. He's not controlling in a bad way. It's just low level stuff bit I feel like I'm never alone and I just absolutely hate it.
I just feel micromanaged and like out lives are very small

This is a frightening reaction @SalmonKnicks are you saying adult financial dependents who contribute in other ways to the household have no rights whatsoever?

Could you join a gym, do swimming or something along those lines to fill up some of your day? X

So the difference is you want to potter around your house alone and in peace, and he wants to do nothing in the house in your company.

I agree with you, I wouldn't be able to relax in my own home any more with someone else there now that I'm used to being single. Wouldn't want to.

You're not going to like what I have to say - but, you are now fundamentally incompatible. there's nothing you can do about this, forever!, unless you make some major changes.

If he is going to work from home until he retires, and then continue to stay at home, you will need to come up with a plan.

Why can't you still run errands, visit your parents as you used to? Or join a gym - go to a class or for a swim?

It sounds like you would both benefit from more structure in the day. Maybe you can't force him to, but you can surely structure your own day?

Tell him you are following something like TOMM - spend an hour a day max cleaning a room on rotation and the usual laundry/kitchen daily tasks. The rest of the day be out of the house.

Maybe suggest the 2 of you go out for lunch together once a week. Maybe suggest he joins a gym too. At least he would be out of the house sometimes, hopefully he would shower too.

Is he overly controlling?

I'd be telling him at the very least that he is to use a different room to work from. I'd also be telling him to fuck off out to work but I appreciate that's maybe just me

I'm feeling smothered in your behalf I think

I've spoken to him about it but of course he's taken great offence because I want him out of the house.
What I actually want is for him to just go to the office maybe twice a week to give me some space and also a change of scenery for him and speaking to other people etc.
It is the structure that we need and that is what I struggling with

For example my parents years ago would do the same thing on each day each week, they had a routine. Such as going to town for the day or thr nearest big city.
My husband thinks these things are a waste if fuel , time and money and we should only be going out if we actually need something for example.
So I feel like even if I went out and did these things by myself he's commenting on it.

YANBU

I totally get it

Let him comment then.

You've said he's not "controlling in a bad way", so what is the problem with you going to your parents for a morning or into the city to do some shopping?

I think he should leave the house more, but I think you insisting that he goes into the office twice a week so you have the place to yourself is a bit unfair.

If you start going places and doing things, might that not trigger something in him to change things too? Lying on your bed to not be in the same room as him just sounds odd. You don't like it the way things are, yet you don't seem willing to be the one to start the change.

I can relate to every word you said. Similar issues have affected me and lots of my friends in the past few years.
There are only a few solutions - if he himself isn’t willing to see how his being at home affects your marriage. And all of them are down to you.
You need to organise you life differently and get out of the house for your sanity.
Whether it’s gym, or part time work, or volunteering or other hobbies - it’s up to you.
If you do work - use the extra money you earn to outsource some of the household duties. The purpose of you going to work wouldn’t be to earn extra money to enrich household - it’s to give you an outlet. And to stop you feeling like a servant that you currently are.
I’d also have an open - but not angry or resentful - conversation with you H and tell him how you feel and why you are making the changes. And - since he isn’t actually doing much at the house - I’d be asking him to step and and pick up some of it just as well.

In parallel - is there anything you enjoy doing as a couple that is outside of rue house? Your relationship needs a bit of maintenance, by the sound of it.