Working from home ruining relationship

[Smothereandannoyed]

Im just having a moan. I am a housewife. Pre covid husband out at work 9-5. Since covid, works from home. Supposed to go into the office one day a week but doesn't ,Goes in maybe once a month maximum.
I know the answer is for me to go out to work but there are a lot of layers to this . My parents are disabled and require me to help them alot. My son has asd and needs me to be around. I have fibromyalgia.some days I am in a lot of pain. I dont claim benefits. We don't have family that can help with childcare etc. And we don't financially need me to work. So it's always been easier for everyone if I am at home. Kids are both in school.
My issue: I have always liked to keep busy. My routine pre covid would have been to take the kids to school, go and run errands for an hour, go to my parents for an hour, come home and do the chores, have a coffee then pick the kids up from school. Cook tea, hubby back at 5 ,have a nice chat , watch a film together for the evening.
Since covid, husband here 100% of the time , he almost never leaves the house mon-fri . He doesn't have a separate office space, refuses to do so. Just sits and works in the lounge with the TV blaring in the background.
He always wants to know what I'm doing. Always commenting on what I am or am not doing and what he thinks i should be doing. He even offered to draw me up a cleaning rota . I feel so smothered. And bored.
Every day is now exactly the same. I get up take the kids ,come back, he's still in bed. He gets up about 10. Doesn't have a shower or put on clean clothes etc. Opens his laptop , does a few emails, maybe one teams meeting a day with minimal contribution and the rest of the time watching TV or gaming. During his 40 hour working week he's doing maybe 5 hours.
We have NOTHING to talk about. Nothing happens. He has no friends and doesn't like to see family, through choice. He absolutely loves being at home and says he's living his best life. And here is me, dreading the monotonous day ahead when my alarm goes off. All my attraction to him has gone, I feel like my life is under a microscope. I am spending large amounts of time either lying on the bed upstairs so we aren't stuck in the same room together , or if I go shopping i will sit in the car for a good hour on top to just be out of the house for a bit .
All my friends are at work during the day so I see noone but him or my own parents which isn't pleasant either as they are very miserable. I feel like my life is completely empty.
If I went out to work it would involve me working, and then having to do everything when I come home aswell. He'd still be sitting in the same spot on the sofa when I come home.
I live my life wishing the days away and waiting for the school holidays so I have something to fill my time. I love doing things with the kids. But they are getting older now and are not wanting to be with us as much , they want to be out with friends. So I'm losing that now aswell. Any advice on how to get out of this rut?

Start commenting on how he spends his time, ie, when gaming ask if his time would be better spent attending to work matters.

Re-establish your routine and stick to it. Advise him that it's how you've always done things and done them successfully whilst he wasn't wfh and he had no issues.

You shouldn't be stuck at home hiding from him and he should have the decency to separate home and work as much as possible.

OP, I totally get it. Since Covid both my DH and I wfh and I find it really difficult. The good thing is that I work days and he works PM/evenings so we tend to split it that he does the morning school run etc and I do everything with the kids in the afternoon. We use the same room as an office and sort of time share it, and I often work from cafes or the library for a change of scene. But even still, I find it hard despite it making things easier with the kids/school admin.
I think a possible solution is for you to work part time, ask him to pick up some of the slack on kids (eg school run) - should be no issue if his job is so low pressure -and use your salary to pay for a weekly cleaner.
I do think you need to be out of each other's company more often if you want the marriage to survive

Did he have a problem with how you work inside the home before working from home?
I doubt it, he is a manager, micromanaging his wife because he now works from home, you are not his employee, he doesn't get to boss you about or comment on efficiency, if you still manage to complete what needs doing as you previously have and he is complaining then he is a hypocrite.

He does 5 hours work a week and spends the rest of his time on the sofa, so not sure he has any right to criticise how little his wife apparently does. Or is it ok to do nothing as long as you’re bringing in cash?

He does 40 hours worth of work a week.

Just because OP doesn’t see everything he does, doesn’t mean he isn’t working.

He does? How do you know?
So when he’s sat with his laptop shut and he’s watching TV… he’s working?

OP of course you are allowed an opinion. Don't listen to this 'keeping you' nonsense. From what you've said, you clearly have an equal relationship in terms of who earns and who keeps the house in order. Can't believe some people still think that because a man earns money that he is entitled to dictate how his little wifey should live her life and feel about it!!!

He does? How do you know?
So when he’s sat with his laptop shut and he’s watching TV… he’s working?

Don’t be so obtuse.

It is obvious that you can’t do 40 hours work in 5 hours.

No company would pay you for 40 hours of work knowing it can be done in less than a quarter of that.

Actually, I'd say you can.

A decent manager can delegate. That's their role. Lots of people can't delegate so end up doing bits of stuff themselves. If you have a decent team below you all doing their job brilliantly, I guess it's fairly easy for a manager to have nothing to do.

So the OP is lying about the hours he works? So what’s the point in replying at all?

I had a similar experience straight after lockdown. My husband was trying to wfh all the time. I actually work 3 days a week and we have young children- only one in school.

He was, initially, very defensive when I explained I needed him to go to the office a couple of days- for me and for him. He was so snippy and defensive about EVERYTHING. But it just didn’t work when the kids were home and he was on a call.

He did end up going back 2 days a week and the rest at home. He definitely seems to be more balanced with it all now. Although I do agree about the work load when he’s at home- he barely works half of his hours sometimes and I’m a teacher so I find it mad he’s being paid more than me but really seems to be doing a lot less..but we have a much healthier balance now I don’t feel he’s watching me all the time and getting annoyed about noise.

I think you should try and see if you can get a job at the school or something. Create something for yourself and make your own happiness because I absolutely don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He’s created a little bubble for himself and is totally entangled in it.

No it's not hypocritical. It's about accountable time. Paid or not.

You work doing all the chores, say 20hrs a week. And have 20hrs downtime. He works 5hrs a week doing employed work. And has 35hrs downtime.

That's not fair. You should both have 20hrs downtime. Because the work required is important whether unpaid or paid.

And intact, if he took just 5hrs of chores over the week, that still gives him 30hrs downtime, and you 25.

It's a really poor way to treat someone imho.

It's not hypocritical at all! The OPis probably doing far more hours worth of jobs but being criticised and expected more of all the time whilst her DH is fucking about playing games and watching tv whilst thinking he's her keeper!

Honestly OP I'm not surprised you've had enough of it, being micromanaged is draining and you can't even get away from it like you could if it was in a workplace!

No advice apart from look to go back to work and insist he picks up 50% of chores on the house and see how he likes it

How cushy life was for you before @TwinsAndTiramisu
At the end of the day there are families where both parties work and still keep their lives going so what OP is doing at home is nothing special

If you really need time to yourself away from your DH, you can maybe be something like a pet sitter so you can sit around someone else's house ?

that sounds so stifling for you. i was in your position and thank god i'm not with that wfh knobhead any more.

i have no solution for you. but the stifling feeling that you're having would tip me over the edge. there's no end in sight which is hidous.
sorry not to be any help but am empathising.

@Cocobutt I know it seems unbelievable but there seriously are jobs like this- and the higher up you get and the more you can delegate then it's easy to say 'management wouldn't tolerate it' people in this position often 'are' the management .

This does sound pretty annoying.

Maybe try spending more of your time out of the house doing things you enjoy - meeting friends, exercise, volunteering, doing a course that you are interested in, something like that. You'll have something fresh to talk about at the end of the day too.

If my DH is working from home we sometimes go on a lunchtime walk together which we both enjoy.

You need to make some friends that are also free during the day, so you have people to meet with outside the house.

I don’t really work, other than odd bits here and there and most days I meet someone for a walk/coffee/swim etc.

I’ve put a lot of effort into this since moving to a location where I knew no one a few years ago.
I really enjoy my life. It’s a good balance of relaxing and socialising and I always have plenty to chat to my DH about.

Decide what your interests are and get out there!

Maybe it will encourage your OH to do a bit more if he sees you’re out doing things.

Omg, I feel you so much. I started a similar thread towards the end of last year. My husband is at least in a different room, but he's pretty much the same. Gets up, watches TV, starts work about 9.30. Has a shower around lunchtime. Then finishes about 6.30. Will do a couple of nappy changes, but that's about it so him being home is of zero benefit to me. I'm a SAHM to a 19m and I feel completely claustrophobic and suffocated. He's home all the time, no friends, doesn't do anything. It's so fucking boring. I spoke to him last year about it and he said he'd do 2 days a week, that's barely happened. I hate having someone else in the house all the time. It's just having another presence it makes me feel like I have no space at all. I've started to get out of the house more so that's something, but it really annoys me that I never get the place to myself, or can have friends over or even have a conversation with a friend on the phone. I'm probably about to explode very soon, it feels like he's bring nothing into this relationship, except for the financial aspect. If this continues I don't know how long we will last. I completely understand how you feel. Pity we don't live in the same place so we could hang out and have a good bitching session! Thinking of you

Does the OP's house clean itself and the laundry does itself too?;did you miss the part where the OP helps her elderly parents everyday?;don't be one of those people who think a woman's worth can only be measured by her employed status;yes you have to work FT as a single mum and do everything on top;your situation sucks and must be difficult but it's not the OP's fault.

That sounds awful OP and he sounds incredibly inconsiderate to not realise the impact he is having on you. I always try to go into the office on my DPs one WFH day because I understand how important that alone time in the house is. Do you have a home office? If you could compromise and insist that he works in his home office, perhaps set up a telly in there so he has everything he needs and you get your space back, would be a good approach? And phrase it more like wanting good amount of space and separation of your days so that when you come back together for the evening meal you can chat and bond again. Explain that you’re introverted and finding the constant contact very draining.

We have just spent the last week at home together with covid and we are ready to kill each other so I totally could see why you would feel like this!

You really need to take matters into your own hands regarding your life at least - what interests you? What do you want?

I think many people but particularly men can lose sight of how insular and dull they become if they don't have friends, never get out, choose not to go into an office , don't have any hobbies, never socialise. It's not a random thing- so many women post about this especially since working from home massively increased. No post work drinks ever, few client lunches etc- I realise not all men go like this - but it seems a great many have.

It's irrelevant anyway, the point is him being home all day and having no life is irritating and boring!

@Smothereandannoyed You mention that your DC has ASD, it is often inherited so is it possible your DH also has it? If so it might explain somethings. It doesnt sound like he would look at getting diagnosed but you might be able to adjust your communication style to get him to be more proactive.

"He brings nothing to the relationship except the financial aspect" is an incredible sentence really. Nothing, oh except that little matter of paying for it all