Working from home ruining relationship

[Smothereandannoyed]

Im just having a moan. I am a housewife. Pre covid husband out at work 9-5. Since covid, works from home. Supposed to go into the office one day a week but doesn't ,Goes in maybe once a month maximum.
I know the answer is for me to go out to work but there are a lot of layers to this . My parents are disabled and require me to help them alot. My son has asd and needs me to be around. I have fibromyalgia.some days I am in a lot of pain. I dont claim benefits. We don't have family that can help with childcare etc. And we don't financially need me to work. So it's always been easier for everyone if I am at home. Kids are both in school.
My issue: I have always liked to keep busy. My routine pre covid would have been to take the kids to school, go and run errands for an hour, go to my parents for an hour, come home and do the chores, have a coffee then pick the kids up from school. Cook tea, hubby back at 5 ,have a nice chat , watch a film together for the evening.
Since covid, husband here 100% of the time , he almost never leaves the house mon-fri . He doesn't have a separate office space, refuses to do so. Just sits and works in the lounge with the TV blaring in the background.
He always wants to know what I'm doing. Always commenting on what I am or am not doing and what he thinks i should be doing. He even offered to draw me up a cleaning rota . I feel so smothered. And bored.
Every day is now exactly the same. I get up take the kids ,come back, he's still in bed. He gets up about 10. Doesn't have a shower or put on clean clothes etc. Opens his laptop , does a few emails, maybe one teams meeting a day with minimal contribution and the rest of the time watching TV or gaming. During his 40 hour working week he's doing maybe 5 hours.
We have NOTHING to talk about. Nothing happens. He has no friends and doesn't like to see family, through choice. He absolutely loves being at home and says he's living his best life. And here is me, dreading the monotonous day ahead when my alarm goes off. All my attraction to him has gone, I feel like my life is under a microscope. I am spending large amounts of time either lying on the bed upstairs so we aren't stuck in the same room together , or if I go shopping i will sit in the car for a good hour on top to just be out of the house for a bit .
All my friends are at work during the day so I see noone but him or my own parents which isn't pleasant either as they are very miserable. I feel like my life is completely empty.
If I went out to work it would involve me working, and then having to do everything when I come home aswell. He'd still be sitting in the same spot on the sofa when I come home.
I live my life wishing the days away and waiting for the school holidays so I have something to fill my time. I love doing things with the kids. But they are getting older now and are not wanting to be with us as much , they want to be out with friends. So I'm losing that now aswell. Any advice on how to get out of this rut?

He even offered to draw me up a cleaning rota

He's not management, you're not staff. And you've both slipped into that place. You've also slipped into a place where your lives are incredibly boring and introspective, with no outside stimulus. No wonder you're feeling trapped.

My theory, neither of you has enough going on. As the children age you will need to fill you time, and not just with caring and housework. Think about what you would like to do. Study, volunteer, work, travel, whatever. He can choose to adapt or die.

It might be a secret of YOUR working world but it really isn’t a secret of most people’s. For most working people particularly in the public sector they are as efficient as it’s possible to be after the last 10 years of cuts. A quiet week for most people would at least mean sorting out your old emails or forward planning for a busier time.

Sorry that was in response to this:

I WFH and I don't tend to shower til halfway through the day (I prefer to get straight into work when I wake up, and then take it easier in the middle of the day to do things like exercise). The nature of my job also means I have unpredictable downtime waiting for things to happen, so yes, it'll look like I'm slobbing out arsing around on the internet. That's not really anyone else's business. And yes, it's one of the secrets of the working world that you can easily do a 40-hour week in five hours if you're efficient and it's a slow week. That's exactly why WFH is so great.

The more I think about it the more I think the most inefficient distracted and lazy people are the ones who work from home. Trying to liaise with charities these days is a nightmare. No-one answers the phone and when they do you can just TELL they’re not in “work mode” and they’re just lying back on their sofa disinterested-sounding. They just don’t appear to be “on it”.

the OP’s DH sounds like this.

No, if you’re a manager on a manager‘s salary you should be ashamed if you spend 5 hours a week delegating the actual work to the people on less money below you and fuck all the rest of the week.

The managers I know have a huge workload. They deserve their higher salary. Yes they delegate but that isn’t the only part of their job by any means. If someone is sitting off for 30 hours plus a week while smugly telling themselves they’re just being efficient then theyre just taking the piss. And I would wager that their own line manager doesn’t really understand the workload involved in what you’re “producing.” In some roles it’s quite easy to blag at your performance review that you’ve implemented this and formulated that and make it sound like you’ve moved a mountain.

I can't tell you how many people I know who are working 5 hours of week for their full time jobs since pandemic-WFH started - some who are supposed to be in the office x number of days per week, but only go in once a month. And apparently no one cares! Everyone is totally checked out at work - top of the food chain to the bottom. No one is working.

He also went through a period of depression last year that I put down 99% to him becoming so isolated from working from home but he won't hear it. If I bring up why does he hardly go in he gets angry and tells me he goes in all the time!! Since November he's been twice and has no plans to go this week so I don't see how he can possibly say that!
Regarding comments about my own life, yes it is also small bit prior to covid I was always busy raising children, running the house, caring for parents. Things are quieter now but I can fill my day with a lot I I want to either in the house or our, whereas he never moves from the sofa.

I agree with this, and it sounds like he has a similar attitude with both those that work for him and with you. He's important so doesn't need to do all menial work, but gets to 'oversee' everything, including you.

I'd be tempted to do just the same as he does to you: go in and film him watching tv, say he's meant to be working, doesn't he have any work to do? And yes, he should be doing half the household chores.

And I'd insist he worked in the study. You need to tell him how dissatisfied and unhappy you are.

Why don't you get a job? That would give you some purpose and allow you to meet new people and make new skills - and give you financial independence.

I would get a job outside the house. I know it is daunting at first, but it would make you happier. He is at home now and it sounds like he has time to pick up the children and do some housework.

Perhaps start by talking about the study. If he refuses to use it, either use it yourself or get it repurposed as a den for you. I think he should be working in the study most of the time and you need to nudge him to this by getting on with your day and inviting people round occasionally.

I also would look to get a job, volunteering or join a course. Now he is free to do the school run, that gives you extra freedom too. I say that slightly tongue in cheek as I should imagine he will suddenly have a crucial meeting to attend!

You don't have a "working from home" problem. You have a "lazy boring controlling arse of a husband" problem.

The fact that you know he'd still do fuck all around the house if you went and got a job would make me want to end the relationship. Knowing that he's that lazy is just utterly unattractive.

It sounds utterly miserable all around tbh

He is a disrespectful controlling cunt.
I would drive him into his study by making so much noise he would want to go in there to escape.
Imagine what this man is going to be like to retire with.

Oh FFS, he is not keeping her. Can't a person legitimately contribute to the running of a house and family without it being financial? If anyone dares tell me I'm a kept woman they get short shrift. Me and DH are a team and neither he, nor anyone, should even dare to think I am not allowed have an opinion on how to live my life

If I ever have a problem with someone, I'll give you a ring or send you a PM, I have a feeling you will sort it out😉

OP,

Your life and him sound awful.

Don't ignore this because your marriage is on its way out, understandably so.

He's lazy, bossy, dull and selfish.

No wonder you have gone off him.

You need to organise carers for your parents and get a job.

You need to hand over the children to him and you need to build your life outside the home until you are well placed to leave him.

Perhdps he will cop himself on, who knows, but this is only going to get worse.

In the meatime, empty his office and take the space as yours.

Depending on what gaming system he has, you can look and see how many hours he's clocking up. I would keep a detailed log of how much sitting on his arse he's doing and any time he tries to give you a cleaning rota, give him his tally.

Just for comparison, when DH WFH he manages to be on calls on his headphones while folding laundry or cleaning. He has an actual job though.

I think since you are in a relationship and this is bothering you it is important to be able to discuss how you feel and a way forward with DH. If you are struggling to communicate then counselling might be a good way forward.

There seem to be loads of potential solutions now that DH has decided to work from home on a permanent basis.
He could take on more of the household work and childcare, you could do more activities out of the home, he could use his home office or you could have the home office for yourself if he isn't using it. You should be able to be honest with DH that the current arrangements aren't working for you and also to say if you feel criticised or micro managed.

Lots of good advise here (not read it all) but just wanted to add have you tried to inhabit his wfh office space? (the one he doesn't use) as your she den/private space? If he protests point out that he doesn't use it ...you might gain a refuge and it might jolt him into using it again!!

This sounds awful. I would go insane.

Agree with PP, if he won’t use the office properly then turn it into a daytime den for yourself with sofa and tv.

And put a bolt on the door!!

I get this. When Covid hit and DH was 100% wfh, we really got on each others' nerves. Fact is, we all
need time at home with no eyes on us. When DH understood that things became easier. I need that for my mental health.

You know you need to say more to make him see your pov. Perhaps lose your sh!t a few times? (I mean this in the nicest possible way, sometimes you really have to make your feelings known). If you don't make him understand, your marriage won't survive. I wish you the best.

I understand where you’re coming from. Having read your updates, it’s more than just ‘cabin fever’ being shut up together for long periods. He is really inconsiderate and disrespectful of you and your contribution to running the house and family. He works 5 hours a week and yet tries to get you to fill your time by cleaning while he spends the time gaming? Totally unfair. Unless you can get him to understand and make real changes, I’d be reconsidering the whole relationship. You’re in your 30s, so still young. Can you imagine living with him like this for another 40 odd years? Sounds soul destroying.

i appreciate you have health issues but I’d definitely be looking for a part time job. You might need it if you do eventually split, which is where I’d be going based on what you’ve said. In the short term, volunteering would also be an option to get you out of the house and still provide flexibility. Don’t put up with this forever. Make changes now or years will slip by like this before you know it. A scary prospect.

Hi there, I feel exactly the way you do. I googled "husband working from home driving me mad" this morning and this post came up. I cannot stand it anymore. I am getting so depressed. My husband NEVER goes out. Working from home has just isolated him more, although he always tells me how wonderful it is for him not to commute and to go to the office and make small talk with colleagues. When he is not working, he watches TV, plays online games, or potters about in the house and garden. I love him, but he is JUST ALWAYS HERE! I cannot get away. Every day is exactly the same.
When I try to talk to him about it he tells me how happy he is, so I guess the problem is mine, not his. He is happy. I am completely miserable.
I have worked for myself for the past 7 years but am now considering closing down my business and finding a job so I can get out of the house. I cannot do this anymore. I really don't think it is good for our relationship or my sanity.

So this became my life during COVID and then after although my partner was working... he works all the hours all the time to accommodate working from home. Literally would be sat working at 11 pm when we were meant to be watching a film. He also didn't have an office, refused to use a co working space and just works from the kitchen side in the way all day long. House tidiness deteriorated, my ability to get on with anything went away and I was miserable.

I moved out. We are still a couple but we live in different houses now and things are great. I too have health conditions so can't work and just felt trapped.

I don't think your situation is sustainable as is.