Working from home ruining relationship

[Smothereandannoyed]

Im just having a moan. I am a housewife. Pre covid husband out at work 9-5. Since covid, works from home. Supposed to go into the office one day a week but doesn't ,Goes in maybe once a month maximum.
I know the answer is for me to go out to work but there are a lot of layers to this . My parents are disabled and require me to help them alot. My son has asd and needs me to be around. I have fibromyalgia.some days I am in a lot of pain. I dont claim benefits. We don't have family that can help with childcare etc. And we don't financially need me to work. So it's always been easier for everyone if I am at home. Kids are both in school.
My issue: I have always liked to keep busy. My routine pre covid would have been to take the kids to school, go and run errands for an hour, go to my parents for an hour, come home and do the chores, have a coffee then pick the kids up from school. Cook tea, hubby back at 5 ,have a nice chat , watch a film together for the evening.
Since covid, husband here 100% of the time , he almost never leaves the house mon-fri . He doesn't have a separate office space, refuses to do so. Just sits and works in the lounge with the TV blaring in the background.
He always wants to know what I'm doing. Always commenting on what I am or am not doing and what he thinks i should be doing. He even offered to draw me up a cleaning rota . I feel so smothered. And bored.
Every day is now exactly the same. I get up take the kids ,come back, he's still in bed. He gets up about 10. Doesn't have a shower or put on clean clothes etc. Opens his laptop , does a few emails, maybe one teams meeting a day with minimal contribution and the rest of the time watching TV or gaming. During his 40 hour working week he's doing maybe 5 hours.
We have NOTHING to talk about. Nothing happens. He has no friends and doesn't like to see family, through choice. He absolutely loves being at home and says he's living his best life. And here is me, dreading the monotonous day ahead when my alarm goes off. All my attraction to him has gone, I feel like my life is under a microscope. I am spending large amounts of time either lying on the bed upstairs so we aren't stuck in the same room together , or if I go shopping i will sit in the car for a good hour on top to just be out of the house for a bit .
All my friends are at work during the day so I see noone but him or my own parents which isn't pleasant either as they are very miserable. I feel like my life is completely empty.
If I went out to work it would involve me working, and then having to do everything when I come home aswell. He'd still be sitting in the same spot on the sofa when I come home.
I live my life wishing the days away and waiting for the school holidays so I have something to fill my time. I love doing things with the kids. But they are getting older now and are not wanting to be with us as much , they want to be out with friends. So I'm losing that now aswell. Any advice on how to get out of this rut?

@Smothereandannoyed

I totally relate to this this thread.

I am fortunate that my husband doesn't comment on the house work that has it has not been done and he is very supportive in making sure I am happy.

BUT..He sits in the house working all day every day- he doesn't go out and socialise with work colleagues on the day to day - we have nothing to talk about in the evenings like we used to. I'm lucky that he works in another room and closes the door but even with that I still know he is in the house and I feel like I have to let him know every time I leave the house! I dread the weekends because we have to find things to do and I can never think of anything I want to do with him.

I try to see the benefits of working from home - and I guess if it was half in half out it would be more balanced. But full time home working is not normal or healthy in a relationship

What I don't get in these threads complaining about husbands WFH is... it is his home as well, surely? To spend time in as he pleases? A lot of women seem to think the home is their territory and anyone who prevents them enjoying it by themselves is being unreasonable.

I WFH and sometimes have weeks where I don't leave the house much (tired, crap weather etc). If DP ever dared tell me to leave my own house or "fuck off to the office" because he couldn't relax with me around (which is bonkers) he'd be an ex-DP very quickly.

In lockdown when we both WFH there were some aspects that annoyed me a bit but overall it was really nice having him around. But then we actually like each other.

It sounds annoying, but I’m not sure why you have abandoned your previous routine. He is not your boss. Can’t you just come home from your parents, switch off the TV and get on with your normal routine? Sounds like he has it too easy, could he not do the school run a few days pw so you can go for a swim etc.

@gannett

I think the thing that I find most difficult is how it has changed our lives from what we knew before covid . I remember getting to end of 2020 and giving myself and my husband a pat on the back almost in happiness cause we had both managed to get through the year working from home together with a baby and not minded it. We love each other and enjoy each others company....now in 2023 when nothing has changed back to "normal" it is a lot harder. my husband eats sweets and sugar all day, he doesnt look after himself, he doesnt leave the house for days and days. He wants to and he wants to have that time after he's finished work to have a breather before coming home but he closes his laptop and immediately he's home and dinnner is on the table and our daughter is wanting his attention- it's hard... i do honestly believe there is a lot to be said for the whole routine of commuting to an office - no matter how far or near...and then in the evenings having something to chat about .

I’m guessing you didn’t try to micro manage your DP though, or all the other things the OP’s DP does and which makes it so hard to like him…

He always wants to know what I'm doing. Always commenting on what I am or am not doing and what he thinks i should be doing. He even offered to draw me up a cleaning rota .

My vag clamped shut just reading that...

OP, do you feel able to push back at all? Can you not also offer to draw him up a rota - one hour work, one hour watching telly, one hour work, two hours telly etc etc? Or are you inhibited because he is earning the money?

Me, I would get the rage with him, and get a full time job even if it was just in the local supermarket that started at tea time until 11pm. All supper, homework, bedtimes would be his to do.

But now I feel like he expects me to be cleaning etc every minute and I can never just stop for a bit of go out window shopping or something. It has to have a purpose with him or else he will comment on it. He's not controlling in a bad way. It's just low level stuff bit I feel like I'm never alone and I just absolutely hate it. I just feel micromanaged and like out lives are very small

He's not controlling in a bad way? So what is being controlling in a good way OP?

You are being micromanaged and I think it shows a lack of respect. He seems to think of you as one of his employees that he has to assign tasks to, making sure that your busy busy busy and productive all the time! He thinks he has the authority over you to decide if something you're doing is worth while or not.

He's forgetting that you are his WIFE.

This.

And become even worse when they retire without even work occupying them for part of the time and no interest in hobbies, travel or friends.

If only we could have a wake up call of how precious and fleeting life is, and how precious and possibly fleeting good health and mobility are. Why make life so small and dull through choice? One day there won’t be a choice and it will be too late.

I’m a lot older than many pps here though.

You have my absolute sympathy and empathy OP. Wfh changed a lot of things and this is one less desirable aspect. You will not be the only one feeling like you

Anyone else desperate to know what job you can get away with 5 hours of work for 40 hours of pay?

I feel your pain! My oh works from home 4 days a week, 1 day in office. He does the school run which is great. But since the pandemic he rarely leaves the house, showers maybe twice a week, has nothing to talk about and makes mess everywhere. I have nothing to suggest, my oh works upstairs in the bedroom though, could you suggest he does that? Maybe buy a desk and a TV up there so he is out of your way?

@Haffiana I recognise is behaviour in someone close to me. It's a sign of disrespect, a sing that they feel dominant over you and they can take the piss, and he's infantilising her with all this wanting to know what she's doing all the time. He's asking because he wants to be able to pass comments, provide instructions like she's a small child and control what she's doing.

Yes I'd like to know that too. 🙋

I don't think it's WFH that's ruining your relationship, I think it's your DH that's ruining it.
He doesn't get to comment on how you spend your day, in the same way you don't comment on how he chooses to spend his working day.
Yes his boss will probably be delighted by the substandard work he does. It will make him look superhuman by the volume of work he can produce by actually working the hours he is paid for 🙄
He'll soon be mandated by to the office OP, with every other lazy employee when companies realise how much damage behaviour like this has caused.
Are you even attracted to this lazy, slovenly, insular, micro manager of a man? It would be a hard no from me!

I think the pair of you are living on borrowed time. He'll be found out and your income will be gone. He sounds resentful that you get to do no paid work. He's gone on strike.

OMG! Nevermind all the other shit because he's 'keeping her' so she should put up with anything.

@Abracadabra12345 absolutely- many people (but I would say more men than women ) are drifting into becoming very old in their ways far too young. it's all fine and dandy in a relationship if you are both on the same wavelength about this 24/7 kind of togetherness- but it's clear that not everyone goes a bundle on it - I work in a shared co working space and it's clear from talking to others that the WFH seems to work better if one person is doing it and that person has friends and a social life and hobbies separate to work or outside meetings and lunches etc .

Well yes, this is obviously the case.

So what is OP to do? Either she gives as good as she gets and makes it clear that she will not be bullied, or she gets a job - any job because the finances are not the actual issue - and insists that housework and all chores are divided equally.

OP needs to find her inner rage. This is the way that the pair of them agreed to divide up the responsibilities within their marriage, and for one partner to become so utterly disrespectful and feel that he can bully a full grown woman in her own home in this way must be addressed.

If OP feels she cannot push back then she is left walking on eggshells and the only answer is to find an extremely good solicitor.

Unfortunately, all these jobs seem to have been taken by the husbands of the SAHMs of Mumsnet. In real life all the senior people I know are stuck in endless Zooms, so might be bored, totally ineffective, or at a pinch online shopping, but certain not gaming.

In reality, he's probably working more than the 5 hours she sees. She's probably cleaning better than the rota-needing efforts he sees (and I'm sure there's something that the working single mums like a pp and I are missing that explain why someone needs to do an hour of 'errands' a day).

But it's fairly ironic to hear about 2 people who both clearly value a very relaxed pace of life pointing fingers at each other about slacking off.

And me. Senior Management too eh. Nope.

With regards to his job he worked very hard for 10 years working long hours and extra evenings and weekends, to get to where he is now. He's just about to receive a large bonus. He is basically a consultant now so is only contacted when someone needs advice or an answer to a question. That's basically it.
He's always available veteran 8 and 6pm to take a call or attend a meeting but these rarely happen. Most of the other staff are at home aswell . Covid was the best thing to happen for him as he was able to slow down but still be paid the same. I don't blame him for this at all. But I want him to have more in his life and not be so insular . Because he rarely leaves the house, his whole life as become the house, so every minute tiny thing that occurs in the house becomes a large thing to him as he has nothing else going on. So we could have a long heated debate about purchasing an air fryer for example. That would be the highlight of our conversation for that day.
If I try to chat to him about family or friends he tells me he's not interested and doesn't like a gossip. So I just shut up.
And yes we have a full home office set up, he has his own study. That he never steps foot in .

That would drive me mad too OP.
As someone who WFH I cant see how he gets away with doing so little work!
Can you use the lounge whilst he is working or is he hogging it?
I think you need to find other activities to do, a new routine, volunteering, book club, walking, gym, college course, or a part time job so you are out of the house more- and get him to contribute to chores, put a wash on and hang it out , run the hoover round-sounds like he has plenty of time.
I would also be gently encouraging him to get dressed and wash!
If you did find a job then childcare and housework would have to be shared equally- although if hes used to you doing it all that will be a tough adjustment -but one that may make you feel more valued and less frustrated?

OP, it's not a bad thing people are apart, I get you. Important points of being together is quality time together and quality time alone, on your own, and him on his own.

Otherwise every little things becomes a fight. But people burnout being 24/7 together, so YANBU.

It's difficult to say, sometimes I need not to see you so I can appreciate you again, but having a row about this key important thing at least seems it might lead somewhere.

Nothing good comes out when resentment festers or when people get on each other's nerves. You are allowed to feel suffocated and seek conversation on how not to feel burntout as a human being in a relationship with another human being.

I totally know what you mean about the airfryer. I swear my H has become more aggressive and argumentative, I think it's because he doesn't have normal conversation, banter etc during the day. It's just work and meetings, there's none of the light 'fun stuff you get from being in an office. Plus, you just become very insular. It's also the other social interaction, like talking to the coffee guy or the lady when you get a sandwich tahg can brighten up your day that you miss. I've really noticed a general change in attitude. And of course it's boring because you literally have nothing that you've done in your day, or nothing you've seen or heard to share. It's definitely made me start to be angry because you're emotionally not contributing to the relationship. (You can probably tell the anger and frustration but how I've written this post). It also makes you lazy, in my H case anyway. Wake up late, start work late, etc etc. WFH is absolutely the worst thing to have happened for our relationship.

Exactly this. Being with anyone 24/7 would make anyone crazy, even if they were the most amazing, fun, exciting person I'm sure. It's not normal or natural 😕

A relationship is more than just money. I've been earning more than him until I've now taken time off to raise our child. Technically it's not as though we're living week to week on his wages as we have money saved up anyway ... so erm he's not actually paying for it all 🤷‍♀️