Working from home ruining relationship

[Smothereandannoyed]

Im just having a moan. I am a housewife. Pre covid husband out at work 9-5. Since covid, works from home. Supposed to go into the office one day a week but doesn't ,Goes in maybe once a month maximum.
I know the answer is for me to go out to work but there are a lot of layers to this . My parents are disabled and require me to help them alot. My son has asd and needs me to be around. I have fibromyalgia.some days I am in a lot of pain. I dont claim benefits. We don't have family that can help with childcare etc. And we don't financially need me to work. So it's always been easier for everyone if I am at home. Kids are both in school.
My issue: I have always liked to keep busy. My routine pre covid would have been to take the kids to school, go and run errands for an hour, go to my parents for an hour, come home and do the chores, have a coffee then pick the kids up from school. Cook tea, hubby back at 5 ,have a nice chat , watch a film together for the evening.
Since covid, husband here 100% of the time , he almost never leaves the house mon-fri . He doesn't have a separate office space, refuses to do so. Just sits and works in the lounge with the TV blaring in the background.
He always wants to know what I'm doing. Always commenting on what I am or am not doing and what he thinks i should be doing. He even offered to draw me up a cleaning rota . I feel so smothered. And bored.
Every day is now exactly the same. I get up take the kids ,come back, he's still in bed. He gets up about 10. Doesn't have a shower or put on clean clothes etc. Opens his laptop , does a few emails, maybe one teams meeting a day with minimal contribution and the rest of the time watching TV or gaming. During his 40 hour working week he's doing maybe 5 hours.
We have NOTHING to talk about. Nothing happens. He has no friends and doesn't like to see family, through choice. He absolutely loves being at home and says he's living his best life. And here is me, dreading the monotonous day ahead when my alarm goes off. All my attraction to him has gone, I feel like my life is under a microscope. I am spending large amounts of time either lying on the bed upstairs so we aren't stuck in the same room together , or if I go shopping i will sit in the car for a good hour on top to just be out of the house for a bit .
All my friends are at work during the day so I see noone but him or my own parents which isn't pleasant either as they are very miserable. I feel like my life is completely empty.
If I went out to work it would involve me working, and then having to do everything when I come home aswell. He'd still be sitting in the same spot on the sofa when I come home.
I live my life wishing the days away and waiting for the school holidays so I have something to fill my time. I love doing things with the kids. But they are getting older now and are not wanting to be with us as much , they want to be out with friends. So I'm losing that now aswell. Any advice on how to get out of this rut?

“You've said he's not "controlling in a bad way", so what is the problem with you going to your parents for a morning or into the city to do some shopping?

I think he should leave the house more, but I think you insisting that he goes into the office twice a week so you have the place to yourself is a bit unfair.

If you start going places and doing things, might that not trigger something in him to change things too? Lying on your bed to not be in the same room as him just sounds odd. You don't like it the way things are, yet you don't seem willing to be the one to start the change.”

This.

I absolutely feel this.

I can take DTwins to nursery, strip their room (not potty trained, accidents almost every morning) put their laundry on, sort laundry for the other 3 people in this house, send an email to elder DS school, devise a meal plan and shopping list for the next 7 days (with teen eating separately from us and DTwins), clean the kitchen, most days prep a meal for the weekend when we can all eat together but I'd never get the time to myself to make it on the day, try and run the hoover round, pick up toys and whatever mess DTwins have left from the night before. Then when I sit down for ten minutes to have a cuppa, DH has to comment "oh, scrolling again?" Has too.

He also works about 5 hours a week. In a very similar sounding role. But because he's supposed to be filling 40hrs, he thinks he can insist he has a full time job, despite taking 35hrs a week as leisure. I've given up pointing out if he's not working, then he's just paid full time, not working full time. I just ignore him when he makes these comments now.

Him being at home should not make your life small. I wfh, though not full time. Dp works shifts so sometimes at home when I am.

If one of us is off we wouldn’t dream of questioning or commenting on how the other goes about their day. Dp works less than me so does more of the housework. But I don’t expect him to be cleaning all the time if he is off.

If he is going out he will Bob his head in say ‘going to out to X’ . I know a loose plan but not in detail and I don’t give him commentary on it. But I would know about what time he is coming back etc. because that’s entirely normal in a relationship.

If I am off work and he is home, I would do the same. No commentary from him.

Your husband wants to be at home, doing nothing. Not even working. And wants you at home doing everything. If I have a quiet day at work, I couldn’t imagine laying on the sofa gaming, whilst expecting dp to do all the housework. A quiet day means, I can walk the dogs. Or do some extra jobs, do a bit of housework. Might cook dinner. Nip into town, meet a friend for breakfast. Go see my Dad. A light day for me means a light day for both of us.

It’s shit your dh is working an hour a day and still expects you to all the housework.

He shouldn't be commenting on how you manage your housework - if he does that, start commenting on how he manages his work. He'll soon get the point.

That being said, he is providing for you and the family and there is no reason you can't work part time, so in his position I'd be pretty annoyed if you were happy to have him provide for you but not happy to share a house with him. Can't you see how that would make him feel?

Are you eligible for any benefits? If so I’d start claiming them, or get a part time job and start saving money. You don’t like him and the attraction is gone so it sounds as though the marriage could be heading to its end. So really I’d start protecting yourself financially. Practically if you don’t get a part time job find a volunteer role or hobby to be out of the house some of the day for your own sanity.

Smothereandannoyed
*I've spoken to him about it but of course he's taken great offence because I want him out of the house.
What I actually want is for him to just go to the office maybe twice a week to give me some space and also a change of scenery for him and speaking to other people etc.
It is the structure that we need and that is what I struggling with

For example my parents years ago would do the same thing on each day each week, they had a routine. Such as going to town for the day or thr nearest big city.
My husband thinks these things are a waste if fuel , time and money and we should only be going out if we actually need something for example.
So I feel like even if I went out and did these things by myself he's commenting on it*

Ive read the whole thread. Thought might be some coping suggestions but, nah.

Your relationship has had it. Your H has nested in and wants you to do same, with him dictating your every move. You'll wither away in retirement, behind the curtains weeping with boredom. For years on end. I cant imagine any man is worth that. & A regime is not a relationship.

Personally tho I cant see why you cant lay it on the line to him - say all that you've said here. Say that you cant live like this. See what he says. Why cant you sit him down and talk? Youre grown.

Those saying to make a seperate life - not everyone wants to or can seek companionship outdoors regularly. Whats the point anyway of feeling haunted to go out? Wanting to be out and about as much as possible is for teens. Or unhappy elders. Just deal with whats making you unhappy and spoiling your enjoyment of your home.

But anyway OP I do think your relationship has nothing left and unless you can get your H to see that, you may as well end it. Or deal with the alternative, if you can.

I totally get it OP- the reason I go to a business centre when I could quite easily work from home is my H has worked from home for last 20 years and is in and out all day telling me his work frustrations- It felt extraordinarily dull - so I did something about it.

I think the problem is it's very awkward and unfair to someone to say I don't want you around all day if he enjoys it ,is getting his work done and is happy to have become a bit of a bore.- especially as he's the bread winner. What I would suggest is you maybe getting a bit of voluntary work that gets you out but at times and days and hours that suit you- the possible advantage of a bit of voluntary is that if you have fluctuating health then it's less of a commitment than a paid 9 to 5 job. Also as others have said maybe a bit of gym/ swimming/Pilates - whatever but something that gets you out as much as possible. If he isn't seeing anyone ir having something to talk about don't let it dull your shine. If he doesn't like this and wants you around but cleaning and dancing to his tune, I would seriously think about separation and tell him you feel claustrophobic, trapped and bored but do bear in mind a lot of retired people live like this- and if it's something you don't think you can cope with then have a good think about whether you would rather be on your own anyway- I do understood, it's difficult - I'm undecided as I like space too

I really do think you need a part time job.

That and helping your parents will fill your child free time. He will have to do "his share" around the house etc.

You could draw up a list of your current leisure time. You already so far more than him if he spends most of his day in bed or gaming.

@TwinsAndTiramisu "He also works about 5 hours a week. In a very similar sounding role. But because he's supposed to be filling 40hrs, he thinks he can insist he has a full time job, despite taking 35hrs a week as leisure. I've given up pointing out if he's not working, then he's just paid full time, not working full time. I just ignore him when he makes these comments now."

This, exactly this! This is what the problem is. He will always say he's the one working full time so he doesn't need to do housework, cook tea or childcare. But he's not!! Yes he used to, so did I, we both used to work full time. He now works less than part time for full time money and basically gets paid for sitting watching TV!!! It has built alot of resentment in me since covid and I'm really really starting to struggle

Try and get a p/t in a school.I work at the local primary 12/2.30 so I'm contributing to the family pot and also spending time with adults.I can do school drop off and pick up aswell.

He now works less than part time for full time money and basically gets paid for sitting watching TV!!! It has built alot of resentment in me since covid and I'm really really starting to struggle

So you are annoyed that he judges how you spend your time, even though you do the same. Very hypocritical. Plus he’s still earning money for you all to live on, your role is housewife, if you want role changes get a job! But that obviously wouldn’t fix your unhappiness here.

My parents are disabled and require me to help them alot

My son has asd and needs me to be around

I have fibromyalgia some days I am in a lot of pain

Stop telling OP to get a job🙄. She's clearly coping with more than enough.

OP does your H have no suggestion for days out, hobby etc you could do together? I see youve suggested to him.

Still think relationship is going nowhere tho. He's already found his happiness between 4 walls, minimum work, and micromanaging you.

It doesn’t sound like him being in the house instead of the office is the actual issue
it sounds like the real issue is just that he’s not pleasant to be around and now you’re around him more often

so he can change
He can go back to work more often
you can go out more and ignore him
or you can ltb

doesnt sound like he fancies option 2 so you’re left with the other 3

@Coffeellama yes I suppose it is hypocritical. Its just I feel like I'm doing an awful lot with no thanks and he basically does nothing but because he receives a wage I have to kiss his feet

Do you have savings to live on if you split up OP? Have you looked into your financial options?

He needs to remember that your role as a SAHP has helped him reach this level of being able to work 5hrs a week and bring in a wage, if he had to do his fair share of childcare since dot he likely wouldn't be in this position, he should be helping you in the home now that he can.

Predictably there are some quite scary answers on here! Just because someone isn't in paid employment it doesn't mean they don't have a voice in their own home and have to do everything around the house and pander to their partner ffs.

OP I get where you are coming from, not only have you had your chance for a bit of peace taken away, but he is also unpleasant to be around and telling you his demands, sounds like he has little respect both for you and the value you bring to the family. The solution ideally would be to have a separate space in the home for him to work so you could both be at home but not in such close proximity. Realise this isn't always possible though and he sounds like he has it good so would be loathe to change. The other thing is he should still be helping around the house, if he lived alone he would have to, its just lazy and really unappealing. Ew.

I would also absolutely hate this situation, I suspect many on his side are the home workers annoying their partners hah.

I think as another poster pointed out get a part time job. Then you get out of the house, maybe meet some new faces and have a bit of your own cash independently from your husband. And then tell him to pitch in more too. If not he can pay for a cleaner.

I think its essential to have separate work space, I live on my own in a three bedroom house and my occasional work from home office (I mostly go to work) is all set up for work, I always get dressed to go in there and I need that separation from home life. Work is not home.
Its bad for him and you to have this going on. Once that line has been crossed there is no proper home life any more.

He always wants to know what I'm doing. Always commenting on what I am or am not doing and what he thinks i should be doing. He even offered to draw me up a cleaning rota . I feel so smothered. And bored.

It sounds like he sees that you don’t go very much and that their are jobs to be done.

From your posts it sounds like you do hardly anything with your time and I do much more than you every day on top of working FT and being a single parent.

Have you thought about doing an online course or volunteering?
It seems like a waste of your life just pottering around all day.
There’s also the worry that he may leave or even lose his job and you will have nothing to put on your CV.

He does 5 hours work a week and spends the rest of his time on the sofa, so not sure he has any right to criticise how little his wife apparently does. Or is it ok to do nothing as long as you’re bringing in cash?

What about volunteering?

Listening to children read in school? Local library? Something that you could just do a couple of hours a week- so you could get out and meet other people.

I realise you are needed with parents/children; so I would start with something that just needs a couple of hours a week.

Do you garden? We have an allotment and we meet plenty of people there. I suppose what I am saying is it doesn't seem healthy for OH to stay in all the time but it doesn't look like he's going to change either- so you need to do something for you.

If you can't ask him to stop commenting on your activities or giving you orders such as drawing up a cleaning schedule for you, or if, when you ask, nothing changes and he criticizes you for asking, then maybe he actually IS controlling.

He does 5 hours a week for 40 hours pay? Hmm. How do I get that job?

@MarshaMelrose my H deals with quite a few senior (ish) people who work from home and yet never answer their phone or emails apart from a couple of hours maybe early evening. I know most mumsnet workers do their fruit if you mention that it's been an absolute boon for pisstakers out there - but I'm afraid there clearly are some - and they are getting away with it too. Mind you I have to be honest and say I once had a job that was kind of necessary but really involved about 10 hours work a week from home, but I was paid full time and expected to be around if I was called(this was around the time mobiles were just coming in) it was actually monumentally boring - but I did have a very clean house and lovely meals!!