Men not interested in women with kids??

[Winterwondering22]

Just checking in to see what other people think about this comment my husband made tonight….

We are having some issues and have been for a little while so I asked him if he was feeling like going his own way to be happier.

My husband told me if we separate I’ve basically got no hope of meeting anyone as ‘who would want a woman with 3 kids’ 2 of whom are autistic. One is the other isn’t diagnosed and I’m sure he’s not.

I am not sure he fully understands that should I be interested in meeting someone else not all men are that unkind that they reject someone on this basis. I’m not selling myself as a package. It’s hypothetical and I’m sure some men have kids too and don’t mind. I’m not looking for a charity. I can support myself.

It made me feel like nothing and I think that’s the idea to put my in my place. I think it’s pretty vile.

I told him I have friend who have two kids and have met someone new. Not much difference in 2/3 surely ?

My ds has a partner who had 3 dc when they met (4 now ). Her ex was abusive too.

I think most people are put off by someone who has kids (men or women) if they don’t. I have 4 and I’ve been told I have no chance of meeting anyone now 🤷‍♀️ I think it does put some people off that’s a fact, maybe date another single parent?

He is just being a jerk. He must realise you would meet someone else and be much happier. People often project their fears onto others.

A lot of women choose to stay single. Can’t say I blame them.

Lots of men and women date partners with kids, you know that.

But why do you think it's unkind to not want to?

However, your husband is being a dick because he also knows that lots of men and women date partners with kids, so just ignore him.

I dont think he's speaking for all men from experience. I think he may be telling you that HE wouldn't want a woman with hids in the future/right now (sorry) and hes also being incredibly controlling trying to make you feel worthless.
I have loads of friends and collegues who have gone onto new relationships with kids. You might even decide given your experience with him that you prefer not to be in a relationship. Honestly dont worry, hes horrible.

Lots of men throw that out there when they think their wife/partner wants to leave them. And no it's not true.

The pool would be smaller not impossible but of course some people don’t want to date people with children. I’m a woman by the way and after finding out two men I dated had small children decided not to proceed with date two. It’s just another complication.

I suppose the context here is he is using it as an insult, but I would also not have dated him as he has children so it goes both ways.

Don’t concentrate on this part of the conversation though what you need to decide is if you actually want to be with him.

I met my now husband when I was a divorcee with 6 kids. My ex said similar things honestly his life is miserable in comparison.
He's just trying to hurt you, there are good men out there.

Wether it’s true or not, should have impact on wether you stay together or not.

Sounds like he is suggesting staying together just so you have a partner. Which is weird.

Having children does make dating harder. The time and attention you can give to someone else is greatly reduced. And yes, some people won’t date you because you have kids. You also need to be a lot more picky about who you date and, eventually, let be around your kids.

I have kids and wouldn’t date someone with kids. I find men who have kids are in a rush to blend families and I don’t want to do that. If men wouldn’t date me because I have kids, I am fine with that too.

I also wouldn’t date someone who was so unkind to their ex wife, like he is if he said this to make you feel like shit.

There’s tons of reasons people don’t want to date someone else. Kids maybe one of them. I don’t think it’s ‘unkind’ to not want to date someone with kids. But it’s not a reason for everyone. of course there will be men it wouldn’t put off.

Does he really believe he would have the pick of anyone? That women will be lining the streets for him to pick from?

I think the best response is no response. Or pointing out that you aren’t interested in an unhappy marriage and would rather be single than in an unhappy marriage.

My ex told me if I left him, I'd be a lonely single mum forever because no man wants a woman with (two) kids.

Well I left him anyway and 3 years later I met my now husband and I'm very happily married for 8 years nearly 9 years and he has been single since 2011 when I left the abusive shit.

I told him I have a lot of friends happily single not interested in men anymore. Who needs a man after a broken down marriage.
Not for all.
he’s insecure and definitely nasty and trying to just make me feel bad.
i know it’s not for everyone. It’s going to be for those with kids already probably. Anyway hypothetical snd as things stand I might become celibate 🤣

Thanks so true.
not sure why I said it was unkind of course each time their own.
he’s just mean.
Feeling better thanks 🙏

Tough to hear but fairly true. Also women often don’t move on so fast after the loss of a partner through separation or death. Marriage can be like a job for women from which they don’t mind retiring from when one ends. From my personal and hearsay experience anyway.

Who gives a fuck about about what men are interested in or not?

Don't base your life and life decisions on getting the approval of men in general...

Do what's best for you: in your case I would get rid of your insecure, undermining bully of a partner and get on with your life.

You will meet men who are reluctant to date women with kids and others who have no issue with it. You don't need all men to like you...

He sounds like an abusive twat trying to chip away at your confidence. When reasonable, non abusive people, with children, talk of breaking up, they don’t talk about meeting other people, never mind to tell you that you’re in some way not attractive to others. They talk about how they’ll co parent, how to minimise the impact on their children, finances etc.

Some men, and women will not consider a relationship with someone with children. That’s their preference and their right. Others won’t care if you have children.

Most importantly, this shouldn’t be a part of whether you leave this abusive arsehole. Your life will be better without him, with or without a new man at some point.

Please don't listen to this!

My violent and abusive ex used to say to me - "Nobody's gonna want you with 2 kids!" They say this as that's what they want us to believe, so we won't leave them, and to lower our confidence and self-esteem!

My mother obviously used to pursuade me to leave my abusive ex and I would say "...but he said no-one else is going to want me with 2 kids!"

She wanted to give me a good shake, she knew it was bullshit but my young, naive self believed every word he said at the time.

Just think how many step-families there are out there.... Plus, when you meet the 'right' one, he won't care how many children you have. In fact, he will love all your children because they are apart of you, because he will love you!!!

I'm now with someone else who loves my children like his own. Funnily enough, my abusive ex then got with someone who already had lots of children 🤔😅

Of course, there will be some men out there who won't want a woman with 'baggage', but like I said, if he's the right one for you and loves you, he won't care 🥰

I don’t understand why you’d expect more from a hypothetical future boyfriend than you currently do from your husband.

He’s being a dick now, and you’re getting worked up about imaginary men who may be imaginary dicks in the future.

Funnily enough, I was positive I didn't want to ever date anyone with kids. Then I met my husband. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had an ex who tried to tell me I'd never find anyone as sexually compatible with me as he was. To this day, I'm still glad I dumped his ass.

It sounds like your husband said it in a mean way. But putting that aside, I think in general having 3 kids would put off both men and women. There are always exceptions yes. But it is a lot to take on. Look at all the dating and relationships posts on here. Look at all the drama surrounding blended families. It just adds more complication doesn't it?

My observation is that women who are divorced from dickheads have difficulty dating because their dickhead ex leaves most or all of the childcare up to the mother. So it seems to be a logistical problem as much as anything. There’s also the fact that men without children wouldn’t be keen because a) they don’t know how to deal with kids and b) they don’t want to raise another man’s children for all the predictable reasons.
If I was single I’d have no problem dating a woman with kids but that’s probably because I have my own.

I don't think it's anything like impossible, the pools definitely smaller, more so too when you have kids with SEN. I have 4 young kids with SEN and a disabling chronic illness, realistically I think there's little chance of me meeting someone else, I'd rather be single than with stbxh, walking on eggshells.

Thank you all for the input.
very balanced ideas.
i think he’s mean and is abusive and wants to hurt my confidence.
i don’t care about a relationship I just want peace.

Me too. Peace would be so nice.

At the risk of stating the obvious, if you split up then he would also be a single parent of three children…so he might not be a great prospect for dating either by his reckoning.

I hope you can find a peaceful life with your children. I have been divorced for 20 years and no desire to meet anyone. I have had enough drama for one lifetime and value my peaceful life.

It's negging and designed to knock your confidence. Common abuse tactic, anyway if you never met anyone else so what better to be alone than with an abusive arsehole.