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Original poster

Men not interested in women with kids??

120 replies

Winterwondering22 · 07/03/2023 23:28

Just checking in to see what other people think about this comment my husband made tonight….

We are having some issues and have been for a little while so I asked him if he was feeling like going his own way to be happier.

My husband told me if we separate I’ve basically got no hope of meeting anyone as ‘who would want a woman with 3 kids’ 2 of whom are autistic. One is the other isn’t diagnosed and I’m sure he’s not.

I am not sure he fully understands that should I be interested in meeting someone else not all men are that unkind that they reject someone on this basis. I’m not selling myself as a package. It’s hypothetical and I’m sure some men have kids too and don’t mind. I’m not looking for a charity. I can support myself.

It made me feel like nothing and I think that’s the idea to put my in my place. I think it’s pretty vile.

I told him I have friend who have two kids and have met someone new. Not much difference in 2/3 surely ?

OP posts:
Palmfrond · 08/03/2023 00:20

It is negging, but it’s also about him wanting to find someone else but still being jealous of you, not wanting you to be with anyone else.

ririca · 08/03/2023 00:33

If that were true then why do so many people I know have step-dads? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Clearly there are men out there who are willing to start relationships with single mums.

It sounds like he is just trying to hurt your confidence.

Iloveenidblyton · 08/03/2023 00:33

This is abusive.

Your husband is trying to knock your confidence.

You're better alone than in the company of someone who wants to hurt you.

User204949 · 08/03/2023 02:29

(Male here) seems like he is being an asshole but at the same time is kind of right. I've talked to many men over the years about thier dating dealbreakers and "women with kids" always get brought. "Women with high body counts" are also up there on the list as well.

As a man who doesnt have kids but wants some I wouldnt date a woman with kids because

  1. I want my own biological kids
  2. I dont want the Ex constantly being in the background of our relationships
  3. I will never have a say because they aint my kids and it will always be "her" kids not "ours"

Now if I was a single father then yeah I would date a woman with kids in fact id prefer it, there is just no benefit for a childless man to date a single mother. Ok, it shows that she is fertile but thats about it

frozendaisy · 08/03/2023 02:33

But your H has kids as well.

frozendaisy · 08/03/2023 02:35

User204949 · 08/03/2023 02:29

(Male here) seems like he is being an asshole but at the same time is kind of right. I've talked to many men over the years about thier dating dealbreakers and "women with kids" always get brought. "Women with high body counts" are also up there on the list as well.

As a man who doesnt have kids but wants some I wouldnt date a woman with kids because

  1. I want my own biological kids
  2. I dont want the Ex constantly being in the background of our relationships
  3. I will never have a say because they aint my kids and it will always be "her" kids not "ours"

Now if I was a single father then yeah I would date a woman with kids in fact id prefer it, there is just no benefit for a childless man to date a single mother. Ok, it shows that she is fertile but thats about it

Exactly the same for single childless women.

There is not a chance in hell I would have dated a man with kids in my 20s. I would want that journey to be first time together. As it was/still is.

It's not just a male thing OP.

wingingit1987 · 08/03/2023 02:48

He would also be a single parent with 3 children though? So it would be the same scenario for him. He sounds like a twat.

User204949 · 08/03/2023 02:49

@frozendaisy Exactly! Same applies to childless women. Many single mothers or single fathers will say "not looking for a daddy/mummy figure for my kids" but if your in a relationship with one long enough then you will be expected to be the mummy/father figure to that kid.

Sure, some men out there who dont have kids will be fine when it comes to dating a woman with children but the vast majoraty will run away as soon as you mention you have kids. Even if a woman is 10/10 in looks, funny, intelligant and makes 6 figures a year. As soon as she mentions that she has kids then I will lose interest. Wouldnt be a problem if I was a single father myself in fact I wouldnt date childless women if I had kids myself because I'll want a woman who is the same as me

Although I do think that single mothers get a lot more hate than single fathers.

VanillaSox · 08/03/2023 03:09

Ignore him.
My Exh repeatedly told me how no man would want fat lazy boring old me.
I left him met a gorgeous man several years younger than me and we have been together 18 months

Kate33ttc · 08/03/2023 03:17

Some men will mind, some men won't mind.

Moser85 · 08/03/2023 03:26

@User204949
Definitely don't believe that the 'vast majority' of men will run away.

I think the vast majority of women would run away from a man who posts on mumsnet though 😂

Tg2023 · 08/03/2023 03:47

Your partner sounds like a complete dickhead!

I've got 3 kids and it's never been a problem. The man I'm with now is 11 years younger than me (knew I had 3 kids from our first meeting) and he has been more of a dad to them than their own father.
He's saying that to try and keep you in your place woman!! Tell him to go fuck himself. Being single would be better 🤗

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 08/03/2023 03:53

Winterwondering22 · 08/03/2023 00:05

Thank you all for the input.
very balanced ideas.
i think he’s mean and is abusive and wants to hurt my confidence.
i don’t care about a relationship I just want peace.

Spot on. Sounds like a lifetime on your own would be preferable to another day with him.

Nimbostratus100 · 08/03/2023 03:56

well, no, not many men would want a new partner who has 3 kids, nor women, so you would both be in the same boat there ( if they are his)

But that isn't a reason to stay with the partner you've got

(And it isn't "unkind" to choose not to date a new partner who has children - it is just a realistic decision)

BT11 · 08/03/2023 04:01

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/03/2023 23:42

My ex told me if I left him, I'd be a lonely single mum forever because no man wants a woman with (two) kids.

Well I left him anyway and 3 years later I met my now husband and I'm very happily married for 8 years nearly 9 years and he has been single since 2011 when I left the abusive shit.

Love this turnout. 💪

Your ex sounds like in idiotic arse.

BT11 · 08/03/2023 04:03

Being single is better than bring treated like shit.

Hope you do meet someone lovely in the future.

Zanatdy · 08/03/2023 05:02

I think when you’re over 35 looking for a relationship you’re going to expect people to have kids. I am dating an ex colleague and he has sole custody of his kids (7 and 12, and mum isn’t involved currently). That didn’t put me off, though I did think about it quite carefully as I didn’t realise he had sole custody and the fact they are young did put me off a bit if I’m honest as my youngest is 15, I don’t need babysitters anymore and if I want to get away for a weekend I can.

However the reality has been tough. I barely get chance to see him, he’s relying grandparents babysitting and has a busy job. I’ve been him for lunch 2-3 times in the 3 months but it really has been much harder than I thought and it’s pretty much over. Largely as he’s crap at texting and so barely see him, barely hear from him, it’s not working for me.

I didn’t date for years after splitting up with DC’s father as he was working away and I’ve got no family nearby. Largely for reasons I’m currently finding in that relationships need time investing in them to make them work. If you’ve got family support / they’d see their dad then that’s different but men wouldn’t just automatically be put off by existence of kids. He’s wrong on that.

scaredysquiggle · 08/03/2023 05:12

I have 3 kids and I'm divorced. I have a boyfriend. He's fit as fu@k and is in awe whenever I'm naked and can't believe I have children. He likes my kids a lot and whilst we don't have family time as the relationship is in the early stages they are all very aware of each other's existence. He's not put off and neither am I as he has kids too.

Aintnosupermum · 08/03/2023 05:14

I didn’t divorce the husband to find another man. Quite frankly I reached crazy town when I decided not to date for fear that they would be a psychopath. The stats are not good, abuse victims are normally the child and it’s the boyfriend who encourages or acts out the abuse.

Im a year post divorce. Just no to dating. I have the children every other week. If I was to date they wouldn’t be around when the children were with me.

Aside from that, like you, I’m also with 3 children two of whom have autism. It’s different for us but I’m ok with being single. When I meet the right guy I’ll meet them. Until then I’m focused on my career and my children.

rwalker · 08/03/2023 05:27

He’s right plenty aren’t but missed off the bit about plenty are

YouAreNotBatman · 08/03/2023 05:32

No one is ’unkind’, if they don’t want to deal with your kids, nevermind start playing their step parents.

Some of you parents seriously need to check your sense of entitlements.

PixiePirate · 08/03/2023 05:46

Well it may or may not be true that you would find it harder to meet a compatible partner with 3 children than if you were single. As pp said, realistically the pool is likely a bit smaller but that is not necessarily any reflection on the quality of the pool, and surely having children is even more reason to leave an emotionally abusive partner?

Next time he starts with the negging, a simple ‘at least we wouldn’t have to be with you’ would be my response of choice.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 06:45

He's taking shite. Some will, some won't.

Men who already have kids of their own often will, because you're both in the same boat.It is also increasingly difficult to meet anyone with kids the older you get. So ppl become realistic about it. (They could date younger to get a childless person, but that's not a big pool. Most younger people without kids are meeting people around their own age to date and get into to relationships with - through school, college, uni, clubs, part time jobs etc. And most younger people, if they're sensible, are also cautious about dating parents and being an automatic step parent if it becomes steady).

So, most of their dating pool - if they're past late 20s (and in some circles well before that) will have kids and they're usually have kids themselves.

I know a few women with kids who got remarried after splitting ..... In one case she had 4 kids, I'm not sure how many, if any, he had; but I do know he was way more attractive & better adjusted than her ex!

In some cases the women I know, my aunt for example, didnt get into a lasting relationship and remarry til their kids were grown up; for various reasons. And that works for many women too, because they often become the resident, main carer and have a lot on their plate, and can concentrate on their kids til they adults, then enjoy a nice relationship. Again m, her 2nd husband is much better than her ex - not a cheater, good income, very handy skillset, good to her and her family, hard working, easygoing etc. Her ex was a dumb cheater who never earned much and once got into their daughter's bed drunk.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 06:45

*It is also increasingly difficult to meet anyone without kids the older you get.

Bandanadrama · 08/03/2023 06:47

I left my partner when my children were babies. I've stayed single its absolute amazing.

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