Men not interested in women with kids??

[Winterwondering22]

Just checking in to see what other people think about this comment my husband made tonight….

We are having some issues and have been for a little while so I asked him if he was feeling like going his own way to be happier.

My husband told me if we separate I’ve basically got no hope of meeting anyone as ‘who would want a woman with 3 kids’ 2 of whom are autistic. One is the other isn’t diagnosed and I’m sure he’s not.

I am not sure he fully understands that should I be interested in meeting someone else not all men are that unkind that they reject someone on this basis. I’m not selling myself as a package. It’s hypothetical and I’m sure some men have kids too and don’t mind. I’m not looking for a charity. I can support myself.

It made me feel like nothing and I think that’s the idea to put my in my place. I think it’s pretty vile.

I told him I have friend who have two kids and have met someone new. Not much difference in 2/3 surely ?

@Tuilpmouse that’s why they date younger. The men I know dating in their mid 30s are going for women in late 20s. Pickings are very slim after 30 tbh, the good ones have usually been snapped up by then.

Jeez. I think I would have just said “ha, you think I’d want another man after you? Or I’d rather be single than be with you”, or something to that effect.

No, not true. Obviously it’ll put some men off. But the right man won’t be bothered. Or you could just have fun. Or be single. Whatever. But bless him thinking about you!

I don't get why they say this, but then not applying it to themselves as most women don't want a man with kids either.

Married man here. We don't have kids and don't want them.

Truthfully, I wouldn't want to be with someone with kids. That MIGHT be different if they were say 20 and were gone, but definitely not below teenage.

However, it works both ways... Single men over 30 without kids are often looked at like "what's wrong with him?..", but also with my above criteria, if I become single, I'm going to struggle to find someone too because how many women my age (~40) would NOT have kids???

True for single men in their 30s, but as men get to late 30s and 40+ and have their own kids, the 20-something women are significantly less attracted to them (for understandable reasons!)

However, it works both ways... Single men over 30 without kids are often looked at like "what's wrong with him?..", but also with my above criteria, if I become single, I'm going to struggle to find someone too because how many women my age (~40) would NOT have kids???

I don't buy this, it's much more common for men to have kids later in life (because they can) or none at all because they don't want to (they don't have the same societal pressures, parenthood isn't quite so entwined with your identity as it is expected to a woman, just ask your wife, I bet she gets asked a lot more why she doesn't want kids than you do).

But the women are early 30s by then after 5 years dating!

It made me feel like nothing and I think that’s the idea to put my in my place. I think it’s pretty vile. Yep!

I had 3 including one ASD and did not have a problem meeting anyone. Ended up in a 10 year relationship.

OP, I have nearly broken up with my DH twice in my 30-year relationship, both at his instigation, and both times I felt like shit.

He seemed to think he had the upper hand. However, both times I did the same thing. I went out of my way to show him that when he is not in my life (he was in the house, but we were kind of separated for months), my life was great. I went down to the gym, I arranged to go out with friends, I did a course, and I looked for other, better jobs. Both times he was really confused because I wasn't on the floor having a nervous breakdown.

DO NOT take this crap off this poor excuse of a male. Next time he tries that crap tell him:

Oh well, we will just have to be on the scrap heap together then, won't we? I mean, what decent single woman is going to want to go out with a [boring/pot beer-bellied/balding/unsuccessful/ insert appropriate massive put down] man with more baggage than Heathrow?

and/or

Thanks, but I no longer NEED a man. I think I'll be fine for money and if I need an orgasm, I hear Amazon do some great vibrators and I won't have to listen to it moaning nor wash its socks or undies.

Don't start things, but certainly finish them.

Greenfairydust

putting aside the comments , and I agree

I have an opinion that realistically

parents should date parents
child free should date child free

it’s just so much fuxking easier in terms of logic and common ground

and equal % available to both (I think!)!

Pre dc I didn't date anyone who have their own children. I personally couldn't be annoyed with the added complexity- especially 3 dc and 2 with additional needs. Now that I have dc if dh and I separated I'd still think very carefully about whether I wanted to date someone with dc already. I would respect a man if he felt similar. Everybody's different and it's a personal view.

My ex thought this too and he refused to match with anyone who had kids. He had a warped opinion on single mothers. He hid ds during online dating despite the fact he has him 40%. I was open about having a child and I was favouring other single parents because I don't want more children but I clicked with a guy who didn't have any children and we've been together for over two years. My ex ended up meeting someone at work who had a child and he's expecting another child with her. The best laid plans and all that!

He sounds like a dickhead.

However I wouldn’t date a man with children, let alone 3 who lived with him more than occasionally, I’d rather stay single than deal with that. I’m sure there will be men who feel the same way. It’s reducing your available “pool” - but arguably only removing those you wouldn’t have been compatible with in any case.

Oh and also, my friend has 4 children and THREE of them have additional needs (bio Dad is not in the picture at all)...she's just married her soulmate. He treats her like a queen and they are sickeningly loved up!

Some people won't date someone with kids but lots will. Anyway, your 'D'H sound like a complete knob.

The thing is if I split with DH I would only date a man with kids so they understand what it's like and they are less likely to want to more . I don't want anymore kids so I'm sure there's men who think like that as well.

@op would YOU want to take on someone else' special needs kids?

Peter Andre was willing to marry Katie Price despite her special needs son. And it's not like he didn't have any other options for a partner - he could have easily dated a child-free woman if he wanted. I find the idea that "men don't date single mums" just doesn't reflect reality. Some don't, but many do. If anything, it's usually men who have a harder time finding a romantic/sexual partner because women are pickier in general (e.g. the incel phenomenon).

Whatever the answer, I'm sure she wouldn't want to date someone whose character led to them posting stuff on MN whose main purpose seems to be make someone who's vulnerable about their situation feel crap about themselves.

@Moonicorn

But the women are early 30s by then after 5 years dating!

Well, exactly.... so by definition they're not available to the 40-something men!

I think it does reduce the amount of interested men because they are 3 and 2 have autism which is more challenging but there will be someone who isn't put off by it, just a smaller pool of men to choose from but our pool declines as we age and our looks fade anyway.

And that's with regards to serious dating and long term relations, for casual NSA sex men won't care but for serious dating there will be less men but there will be SOME.

He's not speaking for all men but I'm sure some men would be put off. It's not easy blending families, my ex dated a woman with a child but ultimately they split because the child's needs were central to everything, including where to live - he couldn't cope with that because life needs to be balanced for everyone's needs eg the child can be taken to an activity they don't enjoy as much like a sporting fixture or stately home (ours were taken to both!)

Is he imagining that being a non-resident father to 3 children (2 of whom he sees as autistic) is going to make him appealing to women?

Does he think he’ll be beating hoards of desperately keen women off with a stick, while no man would be interested in you?

He’s just trying to mess with your head and make you feel like he’s the best you can do.

For a start, your husband is speaking from a place of insecurity. You bringing up separation has rattled him and he wants you to believe you should hang on to him regardless as no one else will want you.
Secondly he's talking rubbish. All the single parents I know who wanted a new relationship found one. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. But that wasn't because no one wanted them, it was because with not only themselves but their DC to consider, they were (rightly) very choosy.

i don’t agree.

I mean, I agree that the simplest situation is relationships between people with no children to start with.

But the most complex situation - logistically, emotionally, any other way I can think of - is relationships between people who are both bringing children from previous relationships. It increases the complexity by an order of magnitude over only one of you bringing children from
a previous relationship.

There’s no right answer but it’s not so much easier in terms of logic and common ground.