Men not interested in women with kids??

[Winterwondering22]

Just checking in to see what other people think about this comment my husband made tonight….

We are having some issues and have been for a little while so I asked him if he was feeling like going his own way to be happier.

My husband told me if we separate I’ve basically got no hope of meeting anyone as ‘who would want a woman with 3 kids’ 2 of whom are autistic. One is the other isn’t diagnosed and I’m sure he’s not.

I am not sure he fully understands that should I be interested in meeting someone else not all men are that unkind that they reject someone on this basis. I’m not selling myself as a package. It’s hypothetical and I’m sure some men have kids too and don’t mind. I’m not looking for a charity. I can support myself.

It made me feel like nothing and I think that’s the idea to put my in my place. I think it’s pretty vile.

I told him I have friend who have two kids and have met someone new. Not much difference in 2/3 surely ?

I think it depends. A friend of mine had a little girl, doesn't want any more kids. So wanted to date someone with kids, so not to have the pressure of having any more.

I think you need to examine why you would want a new relationship (if the current one breaks down): is it because you need extra support (emotional) and don't have that support elsewhere? Because you think you'd be lonely on your time off and would like to spend free time with a romantic partner? Because you want monogamous sex? Where would you see this new relationship going? Are you against/for blending families/them/ taking an active part in your children's lives/ cohabiting/marriage?

I'm a solo parent by choice (I had my son using a sperm donor) so no "father" in the picture at the outset. I do have support but not much free time. Having dipped my toes back in OLD I can't see myself spending my very precious free time trying to get a conversation going with some of these men. Back in my childfree days, I had so much time to waste plus I wanted a family so there was a genuine impetus for continuing to do dating etc. I also don't want somebody "parenting" my child, which I think if you progress the relationship would inevitably happen (if your children are small). Not sure how you progress a relationship when you have set time off (or none) or the emotional headspace for another person?

I do think the people who I dated in the past wouldn't date me now with a child in tow because children simply take up a lot of time and energy (rightfully) so and I guess the other person will alway come second to them (in every way). I'm not sure I'd want to be a second fiddle to anyone.

This. Surely he's going to have the same problem. Or would his plan be to ditch the kids (in which case, he's only going to attract a certain type of woman)?

As someone who thought they'd struggle to date post separation I can assute you that what he says isn't true.

In some ways theMom step dad dynamic seems to be easier than the Dad step Mom dynamic. If the step parent board is anything to go by.

Real life is messy and whilst these forums can be useful always take them with a pinch of salt (the good and the bad).

Erm, but he's got kids too, or doesn't the same go for men? You both have three kids, since when did the kids become yours lock stock and barrel?
He's a bit of a twat isn't he?

I think women are more amenable to accepting a man with several children and children tend to end up staying more with mum than dad so it does affect mums more than dads.

Just thinking about separated friends I know.
One was child free and married a man with 2 kids. The dcs always stayed with their mum. 2 had children and married younger, child free men. One had dcs and married a man with older dcs who lived with their mum. One is technically single ( well she has plenty of sex) and seems to date much younger men. Whether they have dcs is irrelevant to her.
Another seems to date older men who’s dcs are much older and not really on the scene.
I have complete respect for people who say they don’t want a relationship with anyone who already has children. This applies to both men and women. It’s better for someone to be honest.
I also have a friend who will not date men with young children. Her dcs have left home.
Its horses for courses.

Shit men always want you to think you've won a watch with them.

The second some dickhead says 'you could never (xyz)' run. They are actually saying 'I need you to believe you could never...(get/do/achieve/sustain xyz) so that you don't leave me'

OR

because THEY could never do or achieve that thing and are tremendously insecure about it. And so want you to feel insecure too. Like bullies kicking other kids to make themselves feel better.

It's not normal behaviour.
And I'd be wondering if he was thinking of cheating because often when shit like this comes out of the blue, it's because they're shagging someone else and because they can't be trusted, they get paranoid and they project the idea that maybe you can't be trusted either.

Yeah I previously talked to a few men with kids on apps, and they were all very much "I can meet whenever you want". It was obvious that they rarely had their kids or that if it was their designated time they'd rearrange just to date, so that would turn me off them straight away.

My ex used to be the same. If he was supposed to take the kids but then had a better offer he'd just say he wasn't taking them, he didn't care if I had plans or not 😠

It wouldn't be to bad meeting a single Dad, but a man who doesn't allready have children would be another ball game. It's quite a big ask to expect a guy to be step Dad to someone else's children and do all the family associated things like days out and holidays as they bring alot of restrictions as to where and when you can go, the guy will have to do the most compromising and sacrificing to accommodate someone else's childcare problems. Majority of blokes without kids will simply not want the hassle and have to adapt to a family lifestyle. Most would be looking for someone at the same stage of life as themselves with no restrictions where they can do what ever they want when ever they want and the same sort of free time as them. A few years down the line living in a house with someone and there kids would put alot off as well, so long term it wouldn't work out and so there would be point even getting into a relationship with someone who allready has children as it would be a deal breaker for some. And then you've got dramas with the ex partner and the financial side as well.

I don't agree with the pool shrinking as you age, unless you get to the point when most people your own age are dead! As you age, others will age too!

Are they his children?

If so, who is going to date him, a single father ?

It works both ways, tell him !

I'd rather be on my own than have someone speak to me like that. He's a dick op! You deserve better.

@Tuilpmouse Exactly, everyones in the same pool as we age unless that poster means men die younger so less to choose from.

Also maybe people get out less, less older people on apps etc, no work to meet people at.

I mean honestly I think he could have a point, but then the same applies to him as a father to 3 kids. Most people would prefer someone with no baggage wouldn’t they?

I have no dc but I married a man with two. And, I’ve actually really enjoyed being a sm! And lots of my female friends with dc are dating and have no trouble getting dates. Your DH is being a dick. I would date a man with dc but I would not date a man who spoke to me, his ex wife or anybody, like that.

Step parenting is not easy. A thankless task most of the time, look up the step parenting forum on MN most women regretting getting into this situation on the first place.

He's probably right, it is going to significantly reduce the dating pool for you. But the same goes for him too.

I would say to him
1 - Who says I want or need another man? You're enough to put me off them for life, mate
2 - There are plenty of decent men out there who would welcome a woman with children. Don't tar all other men with your own low standards

I was a single mum and remarried. My DH is a wonderful stepdad and has been for many years. It really isn't unusual.

I’ve got two children and in the two years I’ve been single I’ve had plenty of interest.

I have however decided not to date until my youngest is older he’s 4 now. Can’t be doing with the whole blended family situation.

He sounds like a narc, my ex assumes because I’ve not met anyone I’m bitter, in reality I love my single life!

He on the other hand is living with 2 step kids he despises.