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Original poster

MIL boundary issues

105 replies

Garlicbutter23 · 05/03/2023 11:08

I'm in a bit of s tricky spot that is beginning to grow resentment/a wedge between me & my husband. We're expecting our first child later this summer which is fantastic but the situation with his MIL is putting a dampener on things for me.

They're very close, which is nice, the problem comes when my MIL (who has no hobbies or past times) comes to visit. She only lives 40 minutes away from us & if perfectly fit, able & driving with her own car, however, every time she comes to visit it has to turn into her staying the night/weekend at ours. It's now become expected by both her & hubby. I used to put up with it but looking longer term & now that I'm pregnant, I just don't have the energy for the tension every time she stays.

We only have a small 2 bed & now with a baby on the way, I want to turn the spare room into the nursery & hubby wants it to be a nursery/guest room. Not only would this mean the extra expense of having to buy an extra bed/mattress that we just can't afford just for MIL but I fully expected that she would simply visit (drive to us to see her grandchild) & allow us our privacy & home back once the baby arrived.

It causes so much tension & I feel like not only is it unnecessary but it's just delaying the inevitable of when our child needs their own space. Every time I bring it up it just causes arguments & I'm at a loss as to what to do? Any advice welcomed!

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 05/03/2023 11:12

Yeah there's no way a kids bedroom/guest bedroom in one will work with a kid that young. Let him try it out and see. Get your popcorn ready lol. In terms of boundaries, unfortunately you will find this to be a sticking point, especially if your husband doesn't back you up. I'm no contact with my MIL after years of her trying to undermine my parenting. The issues only started when I got pregnant. You need to set firm boundaries but firstly need to explain to your husband that you guys need to have a united front. Otherwise you're set for a very miserable existence

NameChangeFor2023 · 05/03/2023 11:15

How does he think it will work? When baby is in their bed, will MIL be sharing the room with them? Or hoisted out of their own room for someone who won't drive back for 40 mins.

Hard no from me and my ILs live further away than that. But I don't like overnight visitors anyway.

Marchforward · 05/03/2023 11:17

You have a MN classic, a DH problem not a MIL problem. You need to sit down with DH and explain exactly what your problem it, how you think it’s starting to negatively impact on your relationship with PIL and what you want him to do about.

acquiescence · 05/03/2023 11:18

Your baby will be in your room for at least the first 6 months. Make the room into a nursery and if MIL wants to stay she can bring her own air mattress while it’s not being slept it? This is unlikely to be a very attractive process so maybe she I’ll get the message/get bored of the arrangement quickly.

The alternative is putting your foot down and potentially causing difficulties with the relationship, so I guess it depends how strongly you feel about it.

EL8888 · 05/03/2023 11:31

She needs to put her big girl pants and drive home, 40 minutes isn’t even as long as some people’s daily commute. The baby takes precedence over her. Ok he / she will be in your room initially but at some point they will have that bedroom. I’m giving birth in a matter of weeks and the majority of the baby stuff is already in the spare room / soon to be babies room. As is often the case with these MIL situations, you also have a DP/DH problem.

Original poster
Garlicbutter23 · 05/03/2023 12:11

Mehmeh22 · 05/03/2023 11:12

Yeah there's no way a kids bedroom/guest bedroom in one will work with a kid that young. Let him try it out and see. Get your popcorn ready lol. In terms of boundaries, unfortunately you will find this to be a sticking point, especially if your husband doesn't back you up. I'm no contact with my MIL after years of her trying to undermine my parenting. The issues only started when I got pregnant. You need to set firm boundaries but firstly need to explain to your husband that you guys need to have a united front. Otherwise you're set for a very miserable existence

Hmm I do enjoy a bit of popcorn lol! No contact sounds like the dream, don't think I'll get that lucky but youre right, will definitely need to have it out with hubby, need to get him to understand my POV.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 05/03/2023 12:14

Yup, definitely something to sort when your dh. Compromise maybe with an overnight every month if you could manage that. Remind him that if your mother did the same, he'd not be happy about it.

fajitaaaa · 05/03/2023 12:16

Your MIL will hate sharing with a baby

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2023 12:40

Stick to your guns here and set consistent boundaries.

His inertia here is hurting him just as much as you. He is afraid of his mother far more than he is of you and is still seeking her approval, approval she will not give him.

BlastedPimples · 05/03/2023 16:16

This is going to get worse until eventually there will be a showdown.

It's not just a dh problem. It is a mil problem too. They are working in collusion.

She will push for more because she's the type and your h is a weakling mummy's boy.

Just like my ex h. Pathetic.

I would be more assertive now you've a baby coming. Create some very firm boundaries. Be the bitch if you have to.

Original poster
Garlicbutter23 · 05/03/2023 17:20

So update: MIL not long left after spending the weekend with us & hubby brought up her staying again next weekend to help with something (apparently there's always something that only she can help with, despite my parents 20 years her junior loving quite literally around the corner from us).

So I brought it up like everyone mentioned & you guessed it, argument. He's just left the house to go walk it off & I'm left sat here wondering how on earth I can get him to put my needs first, as his wife. I just want some personal space & time for us to be a couple without her always being around. Not to mention the fact that I never get any sleep when she's here which now I'm pregnant is really taking it's toll.

Why the hell can't he see my POV, why am I always the bloody bad guy here?! Ffs!

OP posts:
Pandapop3 · 05/03/2023 17:36

Stand your ground. This could severely affect your mental health after the baby is born as the newborn days require a lot from you.

Bunnyishotandcross · 05/03/2023 17:52

Tell dh you will share with the dc and he can top and tail with his dm. Seeming as the cord isn't cut. Quite an unattractive quality..

Ooompaloopa · 05/03/2023 17:56

Bunnyishotandcross · 05/03/2023 17:52

Tell dh you will share with the dc and he can top and tail with his dm. Seeming as the cord isn't cut. Quite an unattractive quality..

Brilliant!!!

But sadly he probably would.

BlastedPimples · 05/03/2023 17:59

You're seen as the bad guy because it's easier to challenge you rather than his mum.

Sounds like a really unhealthy relationship they have.

I've been there. It doesn't get better.

Bunnyishotandcross · 05/03/2023 18:04

Suggest staying with your family for you and dc will give you the best chance of recovery post birth. After all he will be hosting his dm who is obviously his priority.
And mean it op.

Ooompaloopa · 05/03/2023 18:07

Pandapop3 · 05/03/2023 17:36

Stand your ground. This could severely affect your mental health after the baby is born as the newborn days require a lot from you.

This is a classic situation.

I have read this a million times on here.

Your DH a needs to hear you and prioritise you.

Know that.

That is the basis of any reciprocal mutually respectful relationship.

It’s really important you find your stance and stand firm. Make him choose.

Don’t let him dismiss or extinguish your feelings or right to live the private family life that you wish by throwing a tantrum - that’s called controlling behavior.

I would get started very firmly right now.

Decided what is tolerable to you - and then half it because she / they will keep pushing.

What is your ideal set up?

Lunch or dinner one a week, once a fortnight, once month? Which day - weekend or weekday?

Overnights need to end right now and never be reinstated.

Get the nursery ready now. Even if your baby doesn’t sleep there for the first 6 months - you can nap in the day - or one of you sleep there whilst the other is doing nights etc.

You don’t have to row with your DH. No need to raise your voice.

Decide what you want.

Communicate it clearly and calmly.

Rinse and repeat.

CuteCillian · 05/03/2023 18:10

despite my parents 20 years her junior loving quite literally around the corner from us

I suspect this could be the real problem.Your MIL is probably fearful that she will be forced to the periphery by your parents once the LO arrives, and I expect your DH feels the same.
Make noises now about what her role will be, something you really admire in her that your parents will not be able to do. If MIL and DH know she is an important part of the future family group I'm sure she will relax a bit. Re staying over, why not suggest a walkable B&B and point out, that once the LO needs their own room it sadly, won't be suitable for her to stay. Does she hate driving at night, it may be something like that?
I think the mothers of the father can seem pushed out when a baby arrives, certainly on MN, when the mum is close to her parents. Ensure she knows that will not be the case.

Ooompaloopa · 05/03/2023 18:12

BlastedPimples · 05/03/2023 17:59

You're seen as the bad guy because it's easier to challenge you rather than his mum.

Sounds like a really unhealthy relationship they have.

I've been there. It doesn't get better.

So have I.

They actually don’t like their overbearing mothers - but are so incapacitated to be assertive that they throw you under the bus time and time again - so that they don’t have to deal with the (for them) intolerable discomfort of putting down an adult and appropriate boundary with their engulfing parent. They are very selfish and emotionally immature.

The current set up is emotionally unhealthy - your body is telling you this - and you need to tackle it head on.

Ooompaloopa · 05/03/2023 18:15

Ooompaloopa · 05/03/2023 18:07

This is a classic situation.

I have read this a million times on here.

Your DH a needs to hear you and prioritise you.

Know that.

That is the basis of any reciprocal mutually respectful relationship.

It’s really important you find your stance and stand firm. Make him choose.

Don’t let him dismiss or extinguish your feelings or right to live the private family life that you wish by throwing a tantrum - that’s called controlling behavior.

I would get started very firmly right now.

Decided what is tolerable to you - and then half it because she / they will keep pushing.

What is your ideal set up?

Lunch or dinner one a week, once a fortnight, once month? Which day - weekend or weekday?

Overnights need to end right now and never be reinstated.

Get the nursery ready now. Even if your baby doesn’t sleep there for the first 6 months - you can nap in the day - or one of you sleep there whilst the other is doing nights etc.

You don’t have to row with your DH. No need to raise your voice.

Decide what you want.

Communicate it clearly and calmly.

Rinse and repeat.

Show quote history

Also when do you want her there ideally - Sat am brunch, Sunday lunch, Fri evening tea etc? ….. what suits you?

Why doesn’t your DH go to visit her on her own at her place?

saraclara · 05/03/2023 18:35

FFS

My DD and family live 45 minutes away. I frequently do the return journey just to spend an hour or so with them. I can't think of a single reason for me to ever stay over. Even if I do overnight baby sitting, DGD comes to me.

Why on earth does your DH think they need to stay over?

Nosleepforthismum · 05/03/2023 18:38

Ah, this sounds like a potential nightmare not helped by your DH going against your wishes and actually ignoring the practicalities of this once your DC gets bigger. I think I’d have to take control of this and tell your DH you will be speaking to his mum the next time she’s over and explain that things will be different once the baby is here. Make sure you say you will reassure her that she is not being pushed out and you’d still love to see her regularly but the overnight stays will have to stop altogether. If he strops then so be it. Next time MIL is over, follow through and explain the changes (in a super kind way) and most reasonable people will understand and appreciate your honesty. Your DH will get over it (and if he doesn’t, he’s a prick and I’d be questioning keeping him around)

Lulu2171 · 05/03/2023 18:56

Stand your ground OP. I'm normally all for compromise but this is mad.

mynameisbrian · 05/03/2023 19:14

You need to make your DH realise this is serious. Can you leave and go and stay with your parents or other family and take time out? This isn’t going to change unless your DH changes. If he can’t you will need to. So if it was me I would be leaving as I wouldn’t allow this to impact on my impending birth. The last thing a new mum needs is additional stress as it increas the risk of PPD.

Lefteyetwitch · 05/03/2023 19:18

I'd go scorched Earth.

Be gone by the time he comes back.
Be at your parents.

It will be easier to separate Now than after birth.

Honestly as someone who's MIL almost nuked her marriage please sort this out one way or another now.

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