MIL boundary issues

[Garlicbutter23]

I'm in a bit of s tricky spot that is beginning to grow resentment/a wedge between me & my husband. We're expecting our first child later this summer which is fantastic but the situation with his MIL is putting a dampener on things for me.

They're very close, which is nice, the problem comes when my MIL (who has no hobbies or past times) comes to visit. She only lives 40 minutes away from us & if perfectly fit, able & driving with her own car, however, every time she comes to visit it has to turn into her staying the night/weekend at ours. It's now become expected by both her & hubby. I used to put up with it but looking longer term & now that I'm pregnant, I just don't have the energy for the tension every time she stays.

We only have a small 2 bed & now with a baby on the way, I want to turn the spare room into the nursery & hubby wants it to be a nursery/guest room. Not only would this mean the extra expense of having to buy an extra bed/mattress that we just can't afford just for MIL but I fully expected that she would simply visit (drive to us to see her grandchild) & allow us our privacy & home back once the baby arrived.

It causes so much tension & I feel like not only is it unnecessary but it's just delaying the inevitable of when our child needs their own space. Every time I bring it up it just causes arguments & I'm at a loss as to what to do? Any advice welcomed!

I think you’ve misunderstood I personally don’t have any expectations as my son is 11🤣 But it wouldn’t be unusual for my grown up daughter to invite me to stay (she does live a little over an hour away). I think this thread shines a light on women’s different relationship (and levels of tolerance) of their own mother as opposed to their mother in law.

My husband never had an issue with my mum staying (she is sadly dead now) as he saw how happy it made me. Although in fairness it wasn’t every weekend so it goes back to what I said previously, give and take is crucial as well as setting clear expectations and boundaries that all parties are happy with.

Totally agree with you BlastedPimples

@Garlicbutter23
I just don't have the energy for the tension every time she stays.

Not to mention the fact that I never get any sleep when she's here which now I'm pregnant is really taking it's toll.

I've read through your posts, but I missed why is there tension? Why can you not sleep when she's in the house? I'm not being goady, just missed if you said this.

All this

For clarity l personally find my mother way more annoying and invasive than my MIL. I wouldn’t have either of them staying in the nursery all the time

@ramanw good point about needing extra space - your DH is going to want that bed himself!

If you get a second-hand sofa bed, you and the baby will end up sleeping on it so his mum can have quiet when she stays the night in the newborn days. You'll be woken up every time someone comes into the kitchen for a drink of water. You'll feel resentful that everyone else's sleep and wellbeing comes before your own. Do not get a second-hand sofa bed. I'm just speaking from experience.

Why do you not sleep well when she is there and also how often does she stay over? How often is your own mother there?

It's possible that there's some underlying fear behind his mother's behavior. Maybe she is afraid to drive in the dark. Even so, you have to set boundaries, or you will become the person who exists only to serve your MIL's and husband's egos. If she stays overnight because she's afraid of driving herself home, possible solutions are that she comes earlier and leaves earlier (eg. noon to 5 pm rather than 4 pm to next morning), that your husband drives her home, or that she sees you less often. Continuing the current schedule that doesn't work for you is not an option. Be wary of the kinds of "compromise" wherein YOU are the only person who gives up anything.

OP,

I mean this kindly.

What are you doing having a baby with a man that you have so much conflict with?

His parents are his priority.

Just because you don't want it to be so, changes nothing.

He left last night and is ignoring you to punish you.

He's not a nice kind man.
He's a mummy's boy and this is your life.

His mummy and keeping her happy is what is important to him.

You have chosen very poorly and you have a very very stressful future ahead of you because you are completely in denial about the man you married.

I really don't mean to be harsh, but you so badly need to wake up.

You are bringing a child into a house of stress and conflict, because his parents are and will always be more important than you.

He will punish you with silence and sulking when you object.

If you don't want to terminate this pregnancy, pack your bags and move back home with your parents, before this baby is born.

At least then you don't have to see his parents.

Go and talk to your parents and stop with the denial.

Admit the truth of your situation and deal with it.

"Perhaps you could come up with an agreed timetable with reduced visits."

A therapist told me that this sort of approach will tend to end up with you doing all the compromising. When you negotiate, you need to start from your preferred position (his mother never stays overnight), not from the position you think he will consider reasonable, nor even from the position you see as a reasonable compromise.

Also, an agreed timetable tends to commit you to a particular solution when, in reality, you won't know what you can tolerate until the baby arrives. Even after the baby comes, things will keep changing. The baby might be a good sleeper as a newborn and then develop reflux later. The baby might be easy until age 18 months and then turn into a whirling dervish until age 4. Don't make a rod for your own back by committing to anything.

I have to say I agree with @billy1966

Your h needs to grow the fuck up. It's not too late to leave him and sell the house

Lol good luck. You have foolishly reproduced with a mammys boy. This is your life now. Better get used to it or split up.

@billy1966 why are you giving OP a hard time? So sanctimonious. She is having a baby with him ffs, what do you want her to do? Go back in time?

Can we give this bloke a couple of days to redeem himself and agree to the new world order in the house? And empower OP to make these changes

Relationships with mums and sons are extremely tricky to navigate as DIL. Especially when DM/MIL hasn't got a partner. He just cares for his mum and doesn't want her to be lonely. Hardly a bad quality.

Although it's too much I agree!

Give him a few days to tantrum it out. If he's a decent man he will come to his senses, maybe even be embarrassed.

It's the sulking though @winningeasy and going off in a huff and refusing to speak to her. None of that bodes well.

Has he sulked about stuff before OP?

Apart from this MIL obstacle, do you feel happy in the relationship?

From personal experience, I wasn't sleep deprived with a newborn. And I'd hate my in laws overstaying their welcome

This doesn't bode well op, he's sulking because he's not got his own way. Any responsible, sensible adult would sit down and have a conversation with you, and you'd come to a sensible compromise.

He's punishing you, because you won't do as you're told. This will likely happen every time you don't do what he wants to, it could be about his mum, the school your dc go to, the housework, work, friends, any decision for your dc, if you don't do what he wants he'll punish you by sulking.

I definitely would be packed my bag and left after those stupid shenanigans.
Or is have had my mum come to stay.

Even aside from the weird enmeshed relationship and pushy MIL, practically speaking you don’t have the room for overnight guests! A nursery might start out with just some basic furniture in it but very soon they accumulate so many toys, books, clothes, even things like nappies, wipes, cotton pads. You can’t afford to waste space with a guest bed as you’ll most likely need to add extra storage for all their stuff. There’s only so much room and storage in the living room… Does your husband want to drown in baby crap in the living room just so there is a bed for his mother?

Do not go down the route of - oh it would be helpful to have a spare bed for one of us to kip in. If you do, you’ll find it harder to get rid of it when MIL assumes it as ‘hers’.

That last part is pure manipulation

Agreed. There was no way anyone was staying at ours when we had our DC. We managed fine ourselves.

@SchoolTripDrama - you're 100% right. But needs must.

Op, dont put up with this! My partners mum has had this for years and years from her own mil. She is worn down with her mils behaviour! I will give you some examples in the few years I have known her! Partners mum is the best cook I have ever known and everything she cooks her mil is wrong!!!every bloody thing! She tore the birthday card up from partners mum to her as it wasn't good enough! She badmouths me off now as I called her a old cow!

How often are your parents round?
It looks like she has said to DP something about him being her only family so he is guilted into this.
Who cooks, prepares her room, spends time with her when she comes round?
If it is you rather than DP then that must totally change.
Can you find things to do places to go when she is there so it is just him and her.

I think you need to invite your parents to stay every weekend until she gets the fucking message. It’s not her holiday home. It’s YOUR house!!! He needs to know this too.

No, no, no. This is the exact opposite of what the OP wants. The mother’s constant presence is clearly overbearing and is causing her a lot of stress. If the son is so keen to spend so much time with his mother he can go and visit her instead of constantly expecting his wife to spend whole weekends with his mum. She might get on with the MIL, but that doesn’t mean she wants her constantly on the doorstep.