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Original poster

MIL boundary issues

105 replies

Garlicbutter23 · 05/03/2023 11:08

I'm in a bit of s tricky spot that is beginning to grow resentment/a wedge between me & my husband. We're expecting our first child later this summer which is fantastic but the situation with his MIL is putting a dampener on things for me.

They're very close, which is nice, the problem comes when my MIL (who has no hobbies or past times) comes to visit. She only lives 40 minutes away from us & if perfectly fit, able & driving with her own car, however, every time she comes to visit it has to turn into her staying the night/weekend at ours. It's now become expected by both her & hubby. I used to put up with it but looking longer term & now that I'm pregnant, I just don't have the energy for the tension every time she stays.

We only have a small 2 bed & now with a baby on the way, I want to turn the spare room into the nursery & hubby wants it to be a nursery/guest room. Not only would this mean the extra expense of having to buy an extra bed/mattress that we just can't afford just for MIL but I fully expected that she would simply visit (drive to us to see her grandchild) & allow us our privacy & home back once the baby arrived.

It causes so much tension & I feel like not only is it unnecessary but it's just delaying the inevitable of when our child needs their own space. Every time I bring it up it just causes arguments & I'm at a loss as to what to do? Any advice welcomed!

OP posts:
winningeasy · 05/03/2023 19:40

I've had an idea. What about building a Granny annexe so she can have her own space when she inevitably comes to live with you? JOKE

Seriously though. If your DH wants her to come stay then he's going to have to put his hand in his pocket to get you a bigger house.

I would just move ahead with your plans to change the bedroom into a nursery. You could spend ages painting it, even attempt a really complex mural, so it's completely stunk out with toxic paint for weeks. There's a lot of stuff you need for the baby, so you could store everything there and then just leave lots of big boxes in there to take up space. Absolutely your prerogative to take your time over it!

Seriously, I really regret not having a dedicated space for all the stuff when our DD was born. Yes they spend more time in your room for first 3-6 months, but pretty soon you're going to want your own space back, and it's good to have the nursery done.

Mehmeh22 · 05/03/2023 19:53

Is this the first time youve properly raised this to him OP? I definitely suggest sorting the spare room and making it super uncomfortable for her and it's DH problem if he wants her to stay. I'd also go to my parents when she stays until he comes to a compromise. Let him try the batshit idea of her staying in the baby's room. He will soon realise what a numpty he is. Unfortunately he needs to come to these realisations himself. It is a tough slog but stand your ground and do not be gaslighted. I definitely wouldn't speak to the mum herself as that will cause her to go back to your husband with tales and that just causes even more problems. Take it from someone who has gone through that. You will be the monster no matter what you do, so you might as well do as you see fit.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/03/2023 20:04

First off, be strong. This is likely to get worse before it gets better.

My temporary suggestion would be each & every time she comes to visit, you move out to your folks place.
Every.
Single.
Time.

If your DH want's you to stay, he'll cut back on the visits from his mother.

CambsAlways · 05/03/2023 20:15

Why on earth in gods name do they need to stay over jeez, 40 mins away jeez! You certainly have a DH problem I’d be having a word in his shell like it’s ridiculous! If he’s coming out with all this crap now what’s it going to be like when the babies here, I had to deal with similar situation regarding MIL ( not staying over though) it got much worse for me I realised I’d married a mummy’s boy and I left not what you want to hear, I hope you can sort this out and he sees sense. Happily married now and have been for many years to a man that does put me first

mummypigoink · 05/03/2023 20:18

Not only is he prioritising his mother over you, he’s prioritising his mother over his baby. Who doesn’t want to have the nursery ready for their baby? I could easily fit a cot in my bedroom, but the nursery was ready a month before I was due because we were so excited to do it.

And if nothing else, decorating is a big job, especially if you have furniture in the room and that’s without having a young baby.

mummypigoink · 05/03/2023 20:22

Oh, and no way no how would I have an over-bearing parent (his or mine) who has no life of their own sharing a room with my baby. And I’m saying that as someone who had family staying over from the day I gave birth!

FlamingoQueen · 05/03/2023 20:37

She lives 40 mins away. There may be a time in the next 20 yrs when that journey becomes a chore and she may need to stay over, but at the moment you all need your space and this is jeopardising the future. I would say that every time she stays from now on, you will go to your parents house and this will continue when you have the baby. You need rest and support and if this is what it takes, then do it.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 05/03/2023 20:45

Get rid of the bed she uses when she stays - you need the room for the baby.... who will actually live there....

Get some bulky items stored in the nursery/ baby room ASAP. Make it very awkward.

Keep mentioning your plans to enjoy the baby bubble and getting used to life as a family of 3. I'm sure you're health visitor would offer advice to back this up....

What does she think the long term aim will be here- Is she going to share a room with the baby?

I'd never normally agree with leaving to go and stay at your parents but in this scenario, I would be inclined to agree. You could make a point that you don't get much chance to see your parents as you always have people staying at your home that need to be entertained... make this clear to DH and MIL that this is the reason.

Tell Mil it doesn't suit for her to stay overnight anymore- the baby will be up and crying/needing fed and you don't want to disturb your rest... I'd also be looking int I baby classes etc you can attend when you're
Ready as I could see her increasing her visits once baby has arrived and it will be good to make yourself unavailable.

Failing that, get a ring doorbell and ignore her if she comes outwith agreed times. You must have missed her when you were sleeping/ bathing baby/ out on a walk/ at a class etc or open the door to her with your coat on and say you are actually just on your way out the door.

Good luck and enjoy your new baby.

ImAvingOops · 05/03/2023 20:51

I'd go scorched earth too. He can either live with his wife and child or he can live with his mum! She's 40 minutes away, not 4 hours!
No one should have to put up with relatives staying all the time, when you don't want them to. The baby deserves a bedroom that they don't get kicked out of every time mil descends and you are entitled to create a nice nursery for your baby, without having to accommodate a guest bed!
There's absolutely no reason why she can't just visit for a few hours.

FingerPuppet · 05/03/2023 21:04

You need to be honest with your DH.

Tell him that you are no longer happy with the arrangement, that you’ve essentially put up with it until this point and now that you both have a baby on the way, you are no longer happy to accommodate regular sleepovers with his mum.

This is also your home, not just his, and his child shouldn’t be expected to share a room with his mother. You will be starting on the nursery, which won’t be doubling as a guest room, and his mum will need to drive home after her visits from now on.

If he doesn’t like it, he should fuck off back to stay with his mum.

I feel so angry for you - how intrusive and smothering to have your MIL stay so regularly. And for your husband to deliberately engineer the sleepovers - so pathetic. Ugh.

Vivi0 · 05/03/2023 21:19

They actually don’t like their overbearing mothers

This is true.

And the anger towards you is just the built up anger that he wouldn’t dare express to his mum.

But that’s his problem to deal with and figure out.

You need to essentially rip off the plaster and sort this out now, and not when the baby gets here. If you don’t sort it now, you will carry so much resentment at them for causing you so much stress in the early days of your child’s life.

Be clear and repeat to your DH that you are no longer happy with the overnight visits and you are no longer willing to accommodate them anymore.

MadMadMadamMim · 05/03/2023 21:20

I'd have packed and gone to sleep at my parents by the time he got back. You're pregnant, tired and don't need this crap on a Sunday night.

and like a PP I'd be staying there every time Mil stopped at my house when I'd made it plain I didn't want guests. Your DH needs to grow up and put his wife and baby over what his mother wants.

Ooompaloopa · 05/03/2023 21:26

Where is your DHs DF?

Are there other siblings on the scene?

Has your DH been manipulated into some sort of pseudo husband role?

Ooompaloopa · 05/03/2023 21:30

Vivi0 · 05/03/2023 21:19

They actually don’t like their overbearing mothers

This is true.

And the anger towards you is just the built up anger that he wouldn’t dare express to his mum.

But that’s his problem to deal with and figure out.

You need to essentially rip off the plaster and sort this out now, and not when the baby gets here. If you don’t sort it now, you will carry so much resentment at them for causing you so much stress in the early days of your child’s life.

Be clear and repeat to your DH that you are no longer happy with the overnight visits and you are no longer willing to accommodate them anymore.

And the anger towards you is just the built up anger that he wouldn’t dare express to his mum.

This is exactly true.

It’s sub-conscious and they are paralysed to respond to the controlling mother but the resentment and contempt builds and they discharge it at the innocent wife instead.

These men have spent their lives being trained to appease and fawn over their mothers in case she erupts.

prettyraindrops · 05/03/2023 21:38

Piss her off so much, that you have a huge argument and never speak again.. she won't stay there 😂 I did this with my ex MIL who would come for a week or more at a time!

Yellowdays · 05/03/2023 21:50

He's being a fool to himself and his mum, because in every instance I've seen where the wife has an issue involving her mil, if the DH turned a blind eye for long enough, an almighty row between the mil and wife ensued. Usually disastrous.

GreenPlaidShirt · 06/03/2023 04:29

When I bought our first house, and our baby was on the way, PIL, suggested they would stay to babysit for us, and my husband was keen, saying we would buy a sofa bed for the sitting room

This was a small house, and to get to the kitchen, you had to walk through the sitting room, and I just didn’t want his parents staying, when they had a car and lived 30 minutes away. Making it uncomfortable for us, in our own home.

I just refused to contemplate a sofa bed, and let him have that conversation with them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2023 04:44

Just calmly state the facts:

You are his wife. And pregnant. And you should be his priority.

You live in a two-bed. There is no room for his Mother to stay once baby is born.

She lives 40 mins away, is fully independent and can drive. She doesn't need to stay over.

Good luck...

Thepossibility · 06/03/2023 05:18

Go and stay with your parents every time she stays. Say you can't sleep when she is there and you need to rest! He can't argue with that!
Bring baby after they're born.
Let him have his sleepovers with mummy.

Original poster
Garlicbutter23 · 06/03/2023 07:34

So hubby finally came home after 3+ hours at god knows where last night, didn't check on me once, slept in the spare room.

He's still not speaking to me & left for work this morning, again without checking on me, he doesn't even know if I'm even in the house or not, I'm so upset. I mean being angry is one thing but to not care enough about your pregnant wife is another.

I don't know if I should even be here when or if he comes home from work today.

OP posts:
Timeforachangeisitnot · 06/03/2023 07:40

Oh that’s horrible OP.
He’s not coming across as husband of the year. He seems very enmeshed with his mother , and it’s great that he wants to support her in her widowhood, but he s about to be a father, has a wife and those two should be a priority.

if it were me, I would take myself off to my own parents before he gets home. No note, no dinner , just an empty house. And leave it that way until he comes to his senses and behaves like an adult .

icelollycraving · 06/03/2023 07:43

I would pack and stay with your parents for a while.

ramanw · 06/03/2023 07:47

Oh god, this makes me so angry.

How infuriating that your husband wont even take your feelings on board.

This really is something that needs to be nipped in the bud asap. From experience, it only gets worse once the baby is here. Stick to your guns with your husband. If it causes some arguments then tough shit. It's not fair on you and will destroy your relationship further with both your husband and MIL when the baby comes.

My MIL was very similar. She just went absolutely loopy when we had the first Grandchild. She turned up every single day without asking, telling me how to look after my baby, always trying to hold her and trying to take over. It absolutely ruined my early days with my baby because I was filled with anger. Partner got on board eventually and asked her to stop just turning up. She paid no attention. After having an absolute meltdown, he had a firmer word with her and she finally listened.

I hope you manage to get this sorted.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2023 07:48

Please go and stay with your parents for a couple of nights.

ramanw · 06/03/2023 07:49

Also, what might work in your favour is that you and husband will likely be in separate rooms in the first few months as it's just horrific all trying to sleep in the same room with a noisy baby.

So she will either be sharing a bed with your husband or she would be on the floor with you and the baby in the same room!

Unless she is so interested in staying that she goes for the sofa.