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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL boundary issues

105 replies

Garlicbutter23 · 05/03/2023 11:08

I'm in a bit of s tricky spot that is beginning to grow resentment/a wedge between me & my husband. We're expecting our first child later this summer which is fantastic but the situation with his MIL is putting a dampener on things for me.

They're very close, which is nice, the problem comes when my MIL (who has no hobbies or past times) comes to visit. She only lives 40 minutes away from us & if perfectly fit, able & driving with her own car, however, every time she comes to visit it has to turn into her staying the night/weekend at ours. It's now become expected by both her & hubby. I used to put up with it but looking longer term & now that I'm pregnant, I just don't have the energy for the tension every time she stays.

We only have a small 2 bed & now with a baby on the way, I want to turn the spare room into the nursery & hubby wants it to be a nursery/guest room. Not only would this mean the extra expense of having to buy an extra bed/mattress that we just can't afford just for MIL but I fully expected that she would simply visit (drive to us to see her grandchild) & allow us our privacy & home back once the baby arrived.

It causes so much tension & I feel like not only is it unnecessary but it's just delaying the inevitable of when our child needs their own space. Every time I bring it up it just causes arguments & I'm at a loss as to what to do? Any advice welcomed!

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 07/03/2023 06:52

BlastedPimples · 05/03/2023 17:59

You're seen as the bad guy because it's easier to challenge you rather than his mum.

Sounds like a really unhealthy relationship they have.

I've been there. It doesn't get better.

100% this.

My DH and i had a few hum dingers of arguments in the early days. I honestly lost. The. Plot. While awful it had the desired effect.
Once he realised it wasnt going away he started to address it.

Now the baby is here he is very comfortable with verbalising "what works best for us" and also has a more rational perspective on things.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 07/03/2023 08:38

I also agree with pp is it him that cooks for her and changes the bedsheets etc? If that's you, stop that immediately

I started doing that with my DH and his mum and she visited recently and he hadn't changed the bed or taken a mountain of clothes off it so they were up doing that late at night on the first night. Ho hum that's up to him.

CharodNeDu · 07/03/2023 09:21

Your Dh sulking and ignoring you is punishing you for not doing what he wants. This does not bode well for a future together if he cannot communicate another way. It is incredibly negative.

His Mother being over all the time and staying over does not allow you two to be a couple. She only lives 40 minutes away, an easy drive. She clearly manages to make it to you. The spare room is no longer a spare room. Even though the baby will sleep in the same room as the parent/parents there is still a room to set up etc. I used to do all the nappy changes, dressing and feeding in the nursery to get the baby used to that room even though they slept in mine.

Your Dh needs a wake up call, his wife is his priority and he needs to understand this now. You need to set boundaries about how visits will go, namely that people will be invited not just assume or show up after the baby is born. Don't leave the house for when he comes home, be there, talk to him.

billy1966 · 07/03/2023 10:02

This has been going on pre children and was causing tensions before, but unfortunately the OP took the chance that getting pregnant would make him prioritise her.

He hasn't.

The tension has increased and now resentment has start to set in.

His response is to punish the OP with sulking and silent behaviour.

This is the OP's life now.

His mother will continue to be his priority ahead of his new child and the OP as new mother.

Men like this do what is best for them and their mum's.

Unfortunately until the OP wakes up to this and starts to take firm action this will be her sad life......

Bullied and emotionally abused by a punishing husband who is determined that his mother comes first and will treat her badly if she objects.

It usually doesn't get any better.

MN is full of threads from women whom deeply regret marrying and having children with mummys boys.

Lots of men love their mothers dearly but can do so and still have a healthy relationship with their wives.

His sulking and silent treatment to punish his pregnant wife is a huge red flag and the OP ignores this terrible treatment of her at her peril.

When her new baby arrives, expect his mother there constantly, pushing her way in and her husband standing silently by.

New mothers like the OP are hugely vulnerable to PND due to the stress of all of this.

OP, keep your parents very close.
Tell them the truth.
Move home asap.
Or be ready to move with the baby.
Do not allow your mummy boy husband and his pushy mother destroy this time with your baby.

Also I would strongly suggest you search for threads on this subject so that you are prepared for what may lay ahead for you.

Really wishing you the very best.

Coulditreallybe · 25/04/2023 12:08

How are you doing @Garlicbutter23 ?

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