Page 3 | MIL boundary issues

Garlicbutter23 · 2023-03-05T11:08:05+00:00

I'm in a bit of s tricky spot that is beginning to grow resentment/a wedge between me & my husband. We're expecting our first child later this summer which is fantastic but the situation with his MIL is putting a dampener on things for me. They're very close, which is nice, the problem comes when my MIL (who has no hobbies or past times) comes to visit. She only lives 40 minutes away from us & if perfectly fit, able & driving with her own car, however, every time she comes to visit it has to turn into her staying the night/weekend at ours. It's now become expected by both her & hubby. I used to put up with it but looking longer term & now that I'm pregnant, I just don't have the energy for the tension every time she stays. We only have a small 2 bed & now with a baby on the way, I want to turn the spare room into the nursery & hubby wants it to be a nursery/guest room. Not only would this mean the extra expense of having to buy an extra bed/mattress that we just can't afford just for MIL but I fully expected that she would simply visit (drive to us to see her grandchild) & allow us our privacy & home back once the baby arrived. It causes so much tension & I feel like not only is it unnecessary but it's just delaying the inevitable of when our child needs their own space. Every time I bring it up it just causes arguments & I'm at a loss as to what to do? Any advice welcomed!

pog100 · 06/03/2023 07:51

You absolutely need to stand your ground. He needs to know it's you or them. Going to your parents may emphasise that.
There could be an element of the MIL worried that your mother may be more involved, but that's life. It's often, though not always the case that mothers of mothers get to be more involved but 40 mins means she can also be involved. For many it's several hours or flights.
You have to settle this now, even if it means splitting, because otherwise your whole life will be tainted by it.

ImAvingOops · 06/03/2023 08:06

Can you move back in with your parents? Or better still, get him to move back in with his? He's behaving like a total bellend right now. I bet he wouldn't like it if your mum came to stay every 5 minutes!

FingerPuppet · 06/03/2023 09:27

I’m sorry he’s treating you so poorly OP. He is trying to get you to back down, but this is something that he is going to have to deal with because it’s outrageous for him to demand his mum sleep over every weekend, indefinitely. When does it end?

I don't know if I should even be here when or if he comes home from work today.

I wouldn’t blame you for going to your parents, because you shouldn’t tolerate being treated like this. But this is also your home, and if he can’t behave respectfully towards his pregnant wife, then perhaps he should leave until he can.

You are not the unreasonable one here OP, he is. His mum staying over so often is intrusive, and most people, I imagine, would not be happy with it. You’ve been gracious to allow it until this point. But you’re not happy with it anymore, so it’s need to change. It can’t go on forever.

DoristheDuchess · 06/03/2023 09:37

I actually read this differently.

Your DH is acting like a spoilt child but the fact he had a sulk is showing the message is starting to get through. Things are changing and he doesn't like it. Hence why he's acting out.

Whilst this is horrible for you, I'd stand my ground. Instead of going to your parents, stay put and get your mum over to visit you tonight when he comes in from work. She can be moral support but it also might make him feel a bit uncomfortable.

He may end up stropping off and staying at his mums but it will send the message you won't back down. By going to your mum's house you're making it easy for him.

Stand firm and show him you'll not be pushed about.

Ooompaloopa · 06/03/2023 10:21

Garlicbutter23 · 06/03/2023 07:34

So hubby finally came home after 3+ hours at god knows where last night, didn't check on me once, slept in the spare room.

He's still not speaking to me & left for work this morning, again without checking on me, he doesn't even know if I'm even in the house or not, I'm so upset. I mean being angry is one thing but to not care enough about your pregnant wife is another.

I don't know if I should even be here when or if he comes home from work today.

He’s incredibly emotionally immature isn’t he ? Hasn’t learnt to separate from his mother to become an independent adult and uses anger, flounces, sulking and stonewalling to control and communicate.

I wonder where he learned that that was an effective way to get what you want?

He’s at the emotional development stage of a toddler. Treat him like one. Know your stance and stand firm. Keep calm and don’t chase after him or be derailed by his tantrums (that’s what he wants)

Ask him to reflect on your needs, to use his words kindly not his actions in hostility - ask him to enter into a calm conversation to reach a compromise that works for you both.

Rinse and repeat.

You are the functioning adult here.

jigsaw234 · 06/03/2023 10:48

OP - do you work? do you have access to the money? It would be great if you can work this out, but you need to start getting your ducks in a row as this could be marriage ending.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/03/2023 11:12

DoristheDuchess · 06/03/2023 09:37

I actually read this differently.

Your DH is acting like a spoilt child but the fact he had a sulk is showing the message is starting to get through. Things are changing and he doesn't like it. Hence why he's acting out.

Whilst this is horrible for you, I'd stand my ground. Instead of going to your parents, stay put and get your mum over to visit you tonight when he comes in from work. She can be moral support but it also might make him feel a bit uncomfortable.

He may end up stropping off and staying at his mums but it will send the message you won't back down. By going to your mum's house you're making it easy for him.

Stand firm and show him you'll not be pushed about.

Of the options available to you, I think this would be the best one at the moment.

Do not back down.

He needs to see that he's being completely unreasonable and he has to establish in his own head that his wife & unborn child come first.

That particular penny hasn't dropped yet.

EL8888 · 06/03/2023 11:32

Why should you leave the house even temporarily? It’s your house? (NOT your MIL’s even though she seems entitled about it). I would continue business as usual: spare room is going to be the babies room ultimately and lm guessing there is a good chance you have bought a few things which can go in there. Things are changing; your husband and MIL need to get with the system. E.g. lm expecting twins next month, we now have no spare bedroom and l won’t be using it as an office going forward. It’s just one of those things 🤷‍♀️I think you gave the patience of a saint to stick all of this for so long

sHREDDIES19 · 06/03/2023 12:07

I'm going to look at it from the perspective of a mum with a son (albeit he's a boy now but imagining him as a grown up and married). I would love this set up and to be involved and feel close to him, his wife and their baby to be. If it were your own mum, I'm sure you wouldn't feel the same would you? Your DH will no doubt enjoy his mum staying over. Although I do accept that things will need to change once baby arrives and needs their space. But for now, surely you could afford a second hand sofa bed?

DoristheDuchess · 06/03/2023 12:43

sHREDDIES19 · 06/03/2023 12:07

I'm going to look at it from the perspective of a mum with a son (albeit he's a boy now but imagining him as a grown up and married). I would love this set up and to be involved and feel close to him, his wife and their baby to be. If it were your own mum, I'm sure you wouldn't feel the same would you? Your DH will no doubt enjoy his mum staying over. Although I do accept that things will need to change once baby arrives and needs their space. But for now, surely you could afford a second hand sofa bed?

And if you knew your DIL was unhappy, heavily pregnant and it was causing tension in their relationship, would you still think it's on thr DIL to back down and accommodate your wishes because it made you and he happy?

Her mum isn't staying over almost every weekend, so it doesn't make any difference how she would feel about it.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/03/2023 12:48

I am going to suggest that if the atmosphere continues, it's a perfect opportunity to say straight out to her "Mil, it's clear that DH and I are having some issues, primarily around how frequently you visit and stay over, considering you are quite a young woman and you can drive. We need to work on some things together and in order for us to do that, you will have to drive home after your visits for the time being, or not visit us for a while. DH can visit you if you would prefer. I'm sorry if this inconveniences you but I'm trying to save my marriage here. I'm sure you understand as you've always struck me as a very understanding woman."

If you phrase it like that, she can hardly say "No, I'm not an understanding woman, I'm going to trample all over your marriage and stay whenever and wherever I see fit."...or maybe she might!

Channellingsophistication · 06/03/2023 12:59

Really need to stand ground here and sort this before baby comes. Otherwise its going to be utterly miserable for you. Crazy to think nursery can double up as guest room. He’ll be saying she can have your room next! Good luck.

MoonGeek · 06/03/2023 13:06

I don't understand why people are suggesting you should stay at your mother's house. Surely the equivalent situation is that your mother should stay with you? Have you asked him how he would feel about that?

Anyway, I agree you need to stand your ground on this. Things will only get worse when the baby is here, so it's best to deal with them now. Good luck.

Allschoolsareartschools · 06/03/2023 13:10

Not checking on you this morning & just storming out is immature & pathetic. I'd be having it out with him when he comes back. Tough if there's a big argument, it sounds like you need one.
Sulking is a really bad sign & shows he values his own feelings way above yours. I grew up with a sulking/storming out father & it was bloody miserable so set those boundaries now for you & your baby.

Hintofreality · 06/03/2023 13:11

Once the baby is here, your sleep deprived self will be extremely grateful to have the extra pair of hands.

ringofrosies · 06/03/2023 13:13

sHREDDIES19 · 06/03/2023 12:07

I'm going to look at it from the perspective of a mum with a son (albeit he's a boy now but imagining him as a grown up and married). I would love this set up and to be involved and feel close to him, his wife and their baby to be. If it were your own mum, I'm sure you wouldn't feel the same would you? Your DH will no doubt enjoy his mum staying over. Although I do accept that things will need to change once baby arrives and needs their space. But for now, surely you could afford a second hand sofa bed?

But her own mum isn’t doing this is she? Just the MIL with her apparent sense of entitlement. Although to be fair, maybe MIL thinks OP is fine with this situation and will be mortified when she finds out.

sHREDDIES19 · 06/03/2023 13:18

I assume the MIL isn’t aware of the tension and the OP did say they get on well, it’s a good relationship? I’m not sure why they can’t sleep and there is tension there? The OP definitely has a DH problem though, so very immature and petulant.

OP - I’m not convinced you do like your MIL. If she’s staying too often for your liking and you have a good relationship you can be direct in a kind way. But I think you resent her presence and I maintain of it were your parents coming over you wouldn’t feel the same. I think there’s room for give and take. Your DH clearly loves his mum and has taken your suggestion that she doesn’t come as often as a slight against her. Perhaps you could come up with an agreed timetable with reduced visits. But this will only work if he grows up and stops running off like a child.

BananaBender · 06/03/2023 13:18

Perfect time to get your parents to come over and start setting up the nursery.

123ZYX · 06/03/2023 13:19

Hintofreality · 06/03/2023 13:11

Once the baby is here, your sleep deprived self will be extremely grateful to have the extra pair of hands.

Not necessarily. When I was sleep deprived with a newborn I wanted to be left alone to work out how to be a mum and to rest when I could. I couldn't rest when anyone was in my home, other than DH, no matter how much they encouraged me to.

I welcomed short visits on a regular basis, but longer visits exhausted me

DoristheDuchess · 06/03/2023 13:41

Perhaps you could come up with an agreed timetable with reduced visits.

They are about to have a baby, she doesn't need to come up with a timetable 🙄MIL needs to learn how to read the room and not push herself onto this couple every weekend. It's really that simple. She lives 40mins away, there's no reason for her to sleep there.

Trying to flip the situation by saying if it was her mum it would be different is completely irrelevant. It isn't, so she doesn't. Just stick with the facts in hand.

I have a son and there's no way I'd be this selfish in trampling all over his relationship. She may not understand what she is doing or she might, who knows. But she needs to be told.

daimtheman · 06/03/2023 13:42

sHREDDIES19 · 06/03/2023 12:07

I'm going to look at it from the perspective of a mum with a son (albeit he's a boy now but imagining him as a grown up and married). I would love this set up and to be involved and feel close to him, his wife and their baby to be. If it were your own mum, I'm sure you wouldn't feel the same would you? Your DH will no doubt enjoy his mum staying over. Although I do accept that things will need to change once baby arrives and needs their space. But for now, surely you could afford a second hand sofa bed?

I think for the sake of your son and his future partners it would be good for you to readjust your expectations!

This mother only lives 40 minutes away, she does not need to come and visit for weekends!

MamOfFive · 06/03/2023 13:46

I'd start going to your parents when she comes for the weekend, they'll both soon get the hint.
Do not let your second bedroom turn into a second bedroom for her, she'll never bloody leave! Why can't they just move closer to you?

ImAvingOops · 06/03/2023 15:19

You don't want to encourage her to move closer - she'll be there every day!

SunshineAndFizz · 06/03/2023 15:26

Set up the nursery while he's gone and get rid of the spare bed in that room. Done.

CambsAlways · 06/03/2023 16:11

hes a big boy now and his wife should be his number one priority she’s pregnant and
He needs to grow a pair …. Quite frankly, and not be such a man child. Taking off what a idiot! Mummy should not be stopping over when living that close he’s not thinking at all about his wife just trying to please his mummy, you stand your ground op.