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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s gone and I’m devastated

124 replies

ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 11:31

Really struggling and could do with some support.

Last night I finally confronted my partner of 13 years over who he has been messaging as it was obvious he was and he’s been so distant and coming up with excuses to not spend any time with me so he can go on his phone.

He eventually admitted that there’s another woman who he’s in love with and that he’s never loved me and only stayed for the kids. He left in the middle if the night to stay in a hotel.

Im just heartbroken. I didn’t sleep at all last night and can’t go more than 5 minutes without crying. I’ve not told anyone in rl yet.

Anyone got any tips for getting over a relationship?

OP posts:
FishandChipsarelife · 28/02/2023 11:44

Give yourself time to process the shock of it all. Suspecting something is totally different to having it confirmed. Sorry this has happened to you.

JoanCandy · 28/02/2023 12:15

I’m so sorry OP. You will get past this in time, for now be easy on yourself and get plenty of RL support from as many family and friends as you can, this isn’t a time to struggle on by yourself.
What a nasty piece of work with no class either, skulking off in the middle of the night and saying such a rotten thing to you too.
How old are your children ? x

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/02/2023 12:26

I'm so sorry. Just horrific and I know how much it hurts. Be kind to yourself, this takes time to process.

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 12:35

Thanks for the replies. I honestly feel suicidal but wouldn’t do anything because of the kids.
Im trying to pluck up the courage to ring my mum who i know will be devastated too.
He was supposed to be taking me to a hospital appointment this morning and look after the kids later as I have a social club to go too but seems he’s just decided to disappear in the night and not give a shit anymore.

OP posts:
Kaleidoscope101 · 28/02/2023 12:39

I've been here. Found out my ex had been cheating after 20+ years together.
I was devestated and thought I would break ...... but I didn't.
Firstly, get support. Speak to supportive friends IRL. For me, they were my saviours and my sanity. I both cried and laughed with them.
Give yourself time and remember, it will be ok.
My life now is very different but not only are my kids and I surviving we are thriving. You deserve so much more 💗

MrsJessePinkmann · 28/02/2023 12:41

I don't have any advice but I couldn't just read and run. Keep strong, much love 🫶🏻

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/02/2023 12:46

There is a saying that I remember helped me through. Someone told me that I'd lived without him before and I could do it again.

BackOfTheCart · 28/02/2023 12:52

I have been here. Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with good people. Let yourself grieve and be angry and all those things.
As days pass and turn into weeks and months, you WILL feel stronger. I promise you.
I’m truly sorry you are going through this.

Mapleunicorn · 28/02/2023 12:57

I’m sorry @ilikeeggs i’ve been where you are and it’s a feeling like no other. I know it feels devastating and terrifying, and you won’t be able to see it now, but honestly a day will come where you look back and realise how much better off you are without a selfish twat like that in your life. Someone who can betray, deceive and lie and quite frankly put their own self preservation above all else is not someone you need or want in your life. It takes time, and support from friends and family, but you will get there. I thought my life was ruined but a year on I’m in a great place, enjoying life, and pity him (and her) for living a life so utterly devoid of integrity

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 12:59

Thanks everyone, I just can’t imagine ever feeling happy again right now.
sorry to read so many others have gone through this.
I feel like such a fool

OP posts:
Rose424 · 28/02/2023 12:59

I would take the comment about him never loving you with a pinch of salt.

Do you know who he's supposedly in love with, OP?

Mapleunicorn · 28/02/2023 13:01

By the way, the “I never loved you and only stayed for the kids” is utter bullshit. It’s what they say to justify their actions and avoid having to face the fact that they have caused immeasurable pain to someone who didn’t deserve it

Justmeandthedog1 · 28/02/2023 13:02

The “ I’ve never lived you” is bullshit, it’s him trying to salve his conscience.

At the moment the shock must be horrible, akin to bereavement.
It’ll take time to process it. You’ll go through regret and bargaining but you will get to the anger stage. Make that work for you, how dare he treat you like this, make him pay.
Treat yourself kindly, he’s shit, you’re not. Never confront him looking sad or weepy. You will come out the other side of this.

Lieslies · 28/02/2023 13:05

Time really is a great healer. You won't always feel like this. X

userxx · 28/02/2023 13:06

Been there, know the horrific feeling you've got right now. I know you cant imagine ever being ok again, but you will, I 100% promise you that. Time is a healer, just wish I could hit that fast forward button for you.

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 13:11

I really do think he was being honest about never loving me. I can only recall him saying it once or twice in the many years we’ve been together. I just don’t understand why he’s strung me along for so long. He said he was just a coward and didn’t want to leave the kids.

The other woman has been on the scene for about 2 years. We nearly split up almost 2 years ago as sane situation, he was constantly messaging someone and then admitting he had feelings for her, didn’t love me, didn’t want to marry me (we were engaged) but then a day later he seemed to back track and wanted to make it work.
like an idiot I thought he did want to be with me but turns out he just carried on messaging her. I think she’s married.
it just hurts so much right now.

OP posts:
CaveatmTOR · 28/02/2023 13:18

Meant kindly but the fact you know the relationship was compromised from the outset might help a little in your feelings now.

Puff yourself up, hold your head up. You have done nothing wrong bar love where love may not have been. Things will get better.

MrsJessePinkmann · 28/02/2023 13:26

@ilikeeggs how does he know this other women? Is she a work colleague or has he met her online?

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 13:31

@MrsJessePinkmann the other woman is someone he knows from his childhood and got in touch on Facebook about 2 years ago. I don’t know if they have slept together but suspect they’ve at least met up but it’s probably mostly online.

OP posts:
Wantanytoastwiththat · 28/02/2023 13:44

Sorry OP. I didn't want to read and run. I hope you have alot of support around you. Lots of hugs xx

Mummys · 28/02/2023 13:54

Sending you lots of love OP. Get your friends or mum involved, don't be on your own right now. It will get better and you will be happy again

StopStartStop · 28/02/2023 13:57

Forgive yourself for being upset.
Take things one step at a time.
You don't have to be happy yet. It will creep back, bit by bit.
Don't ever let him come back - they usually try.
Don't believe a word he says.
Focus on practical things like how you and the dc will cope day to day.
Dd and me sat on the stairs and wailed a lot. That seemed to help.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/02/2023 14:01

They all say this shit to justify their shitty behaviour

2bazookas · 28/02/2023 14:03

Don't even think of keeping it to yourself or "being discreet" to save face or his reputation.

Tell everybody what's happened (friends and family) so you get all the sympathy and support you deserve and need.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 14:08

2bazookas · 28/02/2023 14:03

Don't even think of keeping it to yourself or "being discreet" to save face or his reputation.

Tell everybody what's happened (friends and family) so you get all the sympathy and support you deserve and need.

I agree with this - not in a malicious way but don't sacrifice yourself to protect him.

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