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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s gone and I’m devastated

124 replies

ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 11:31

Really struggling and could do with some support.

Last night I finally confronted my partner of 13 years over who he has been messaging as it was obvious he was and he’s been so distant and coming up with excuses to not spend any time with me so he can go on his phone.

He eventually admitted that there’s another woman who he’s in love with and that he’s never loved me and only stayed for the kids. He left in the middle if the night to stay in a hotel.

Im just heartbroken. I didn’t sleep at all last night and can’t go more than 5 minutes without crying. I’ve not told anyone in rl yet.

Anyone got any tips for getting over a relationship?

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 01/03/2023 16:03

He got in touch today to ask if he can move onto the downstairs.

What a cheek! Well done for refusing, OP. It’s time he realised you don’t just exist to meet his needs.

Stay strong, and don’t let him sweet-talk you into “trying again”, if he wants to come back. He was never trying. Just looking out for whatever he wanted.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/03/2023 16:48

Be prepared for him to come crawling back when OW decides to stay with her husband.

Excuses will be....

Mid life crisis
You didnt show me enough affection
I was confused but its you I want
She was just a distraction, she didnt mean anything
I think I am having a break down

I am sure the vipers will be able to add more so you can be prepared for them.
He is a shit and I am glad that you have seen that. Rather than you not being good enough for him (and who made you feel that? him) its the other way around, he isnt good enough to lick the dirt from your shoe. You are worth a million times more than this lying cheating using scumbag.

You will get there honey, we all do eventually. Its just that right now you are at the absolute worst of it. Every day will get a little easier, a little better and then one day you will realise that not only has he not crossed your mind once but that your life is immeasurably happier without him.

Sunriseinwonderland · 01/03/2023 16:53

He is a pig OP. My husband did exactly the same went off with another woman and said he's never loved me. Well he was quite happy to live in my house for free for 18 years and sponge off me.
They ALWAYS do that - turn it round and blame you because they do not have the balls to tell you the truth. So they make it your fault which is a disgusting cowardly thing to do.
You will get over him pretty quickly once you realise exactly what he is.
Here's to a happy new life for you, but the eraly days are hard so have a big hug (((((((((()))))))))). Also don't let him shirk his duty to the kids.
He needs to look after them properly not spend all day in bed with his new woman.That might cool his adour a bit.

Catoo · 01/03/2023 17:42

Really well done on saying NO to that stupid idea of his. He will hate how strong you are becoming.

Definitely reach out to friends. They’ll help you through this and out of the other side.

X

dalmation4046 · 01/03/2023 17:54

Massive well done on saying no to him staying downstairs, it would've been so easy to say yes but you've been strong! It's his fault you're in this mess so let him struggle finding somewhere to live! I don't understand men/women like this, if you're unhappy in a relationship...just leave! Why make things hurt more, and be more messy by having an affair!? Stayed because of the kids, yet the kids get hurt a lot more if the split is on unamicable terms surely! Baffles me. Xx

Turnipworkharder · 01/03/2023 17:58

Why should you feel embarrassed OP you've done nothing wrong.
Be very kind to yourself.
Find your inner anger.

Madremia06 · 01/03/2023 18:00

I'm so sorry to hear this ..
I had tte same also - with a one year old and 4 year old.
One night just said 'I'm leaving you tomorrow..' I was shocked as it had come from literally nowhere.
Turns out there was someone else ..
They say horrible things to gain a reaction.
If you're calm then you don't care and if you fly off the handle then you have a screw loose. You really can't win!
Concentrate now on building your self esteem for you and your kids and also find out your rights .. big hugs 💐

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 01/03/2023 18:25

Yes it was like he was only thinking of himself. Legally I can’t stop him from coming back as he’s on the mortgage but you’d think he’d realise how hard that would be for me.

I also don’t understand why men stay when they are unhappy and don’t love their partner but instead have an affair. I guess it’s just convenient for them.

It helps reading that other women have come through the other side. I’m hoping I’ll get there, just taking it one day at a time.

OP posts:
amiold · 01/03/2023 18:27

ilikeeggs · 01/03/2023 18:25

Yes it was like he was only thinking of himself. Legally I can’t stop him from coming back as he’s on the mortgage but you’d think he’d realise how hard that would be for me.

I also don’t understand why men stay when they are unhappy and don’t love their partner but instead have an affair. I guess it’s just convenient for them.

It helps reading that other women have come through the other side. I’m hoping I’ll get there, just taking it one day at a time.

I don't think it's that he didn't love you, just that the grass was greener!

He hasn't give a stuff for weeks and hasn't looked after or provided for the kids. And expects to move back in 😂 he said he isn't a simp but... 💁🏼‍♀️

amiold · 01/03/2023 19:48

Apologies op. I've got your story mixed up with another similar thread (hence the weeks and simp reference)

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 01/03/2023 21:07

@amiold No worries, there’s so many threads about shitty men it’s easy to get them mixed up.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 01/03/2023 21:34

@ilikeeggs men like this say horrible things OP because saying 'well I do like you , there's nothing wrong with you, but I fancy a change , more attention and ego boosting and more exciting sex ' makes them sound like a total see you next Tuesday. They think it's easier to say that they aren't happy/ don't love you - as it's an emotional thing , rather than I'm just a bit of a shit who thinks the grass might be greener elsewhere but didn't have the balls to be honest and end it without someone else in line.

Mari9999 · 02/03/2023 01:25

There is no humiliation in 2 people growing apart and separating. Would you have wanted to continue living with a man who did not love you? Separating is neither shameful nor humiliating. Cheating is unnecessary when the ability to leave is always present.

Don't fall into the trap of replaying the past years over and over in your head. You are afraid of the uncertainty of the future , but that is not the same as missing or loving him. You miss the relative safety and security of the familiar, and women will tolerate a lot to preserve the familiar while mistakenly calling that love.

You don't need to constantly share the details of your breakup. You won't shame him , because in our society the break of a marriage has become so common place that few people are surprised and fewer still really care about the salacious details except as fodder for gossip. He won't be ostracized or forced to wear a scarlet letter.

Use your time to make plans and surround yourself with people who add positive energy to your life and future. You and your children will need support, and direction. Don't waste time with people who want to discuss what he has done. Instead spend time with people who want to focus on what you are going to do to take control of your future.

You can do this with grace and dignity . if you spend your time weeping and moaning, then you are wasting valuable time on your road to the better life that you can create for yourself and your children.

WidthofaLine · 02/03/2023 02:59

Mari9999 · 02/03/2023 01:25

There is no humiliation in 2 people growing apart and separating. Would you have wanted to continue living with a man who did not love you? Separating is neither shameful nor humiliating. Cheating is unnecessary when the ability to leave is always present.

Don't fall into the trap of replaying the past years over and over in your head. You are afraid of the uncertainty of the future , but that is not the same as missing or loving him. You miss the relative safety and security of the familiar, and women will tolerate a lot to preserve the familiar while mistakenly calling that love.

You don't need to constantly share the details of your breakup. You won't shame him , because in our society the break of a marriage has become so common place that few people are surprised and fewer still really care about the salacious details except as fodder for gossip. He won't be ostracized or forced to wear a scarlet letter.

Use your time to make plans and surround yourself with people who add positive energy to your life and future. You and your children will need support, and direction. Don't waste time with people who want to discuss what he has done. Instead spend time with people who want to focus on what you are going to do to take control of your future.

You can do this with grace and dignity . if you spend your time weeping and moaning, then you are wasting valuable time on your road to the better life that you can create for yourself and your children.

What a comforting post.

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 02/03/2023 03:42

@Mari9999 yes right now I miss the familiarity of our relationship and facing a new life is scary.

I just woke up and remembered what has happened after a few seconds and know I’ll struggle to sleep now.

I still haven’t told a single friend as I guess telling someone would make it real. Im going to today though.

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 02/03/2023 05:52

@ilikeeggs sorry to here about your pain and suffering. I can’t believe the arsehole would have a second child with you who is only 3 if he never loved you what a twat. Hope you have managed to get some more rest.

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 02/03/2023 07:47

@Andypandy799 I don’t understand why he had a second child with me either or proposed a few months later. I was so happy he’d finally proposed.
When it all came out about the other woman two years ago he said he’d only proposed because he thought my family wanted him too. I’ve never got over the humiliation of those words. I took my ring off then but I kept hoping like an idiot he would ask me to put it back on.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 02/03/2023 07:53

Oh I'm so sorry you've been treated so badly @ilikeeggs. One day you'll look back and realise he's done you a favour. What a prick.

Iona345 · 02/03/2023 08:30

A common story sadly OP. I'm in this group too. This is the worst part, and it's OK to feel upset, it's all so fresh.

The anger will come. I found that a useful stage to get things sorted and detach emotionally. Write a list of all the annoying traits he had (being a cheating scumbag being number 1, snoring like a pig in the top 5, the sound he made when he ate crisps around the 40 mark), looking back on that list when I had my wobbles was a useful reset experience.

It was the worst time of my life, and occupied more time than it should have done as I wallowed in the grief. But I'm as strong as an OX now. Capable and confident.

You really don't want to be in a relationship with someone with such low morals.

Time does heal (didn't believe it myself) and more often than not, life is so much better on the other side x

Takeitonthechin · 02/03/2023 09:30

I hope you have booked an appointment with a solicitor, they will be able to help you.
Don't let him spin you anymore lies, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't have done those things to you and your children.

The grass isn't always greener.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/03/2023 10:32

@Mari9999 what a lovely post.

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 02/03/2023 16:39

Todays been a low day. We’ve exchanged a few texts and he’s so cold now.

OP posts:
Madremia06 · 02/03/2023 17:24

Probably because you didn't give him his own way by letting him stay downstairs - he made his bed so he can lie in it elsewhere!
Try not to engage in conversations with him (I know how hard this is ..) unless about the kids etc .. it will get easier. After the grieving comes the anger!

Hehx3 · 02/03/2023 18:09

Hi Op keep strong, things will start to get easier, thinking about you x

humancalculator · 02/03/2023 18:22

@ilikeeggs this is really hard, and quite apart from anything else your self-esteem has probably taken quite a battering. But you are strong - witness your refusal to entertain his idiotic idea that he should sleep downstairs - and you will get through this, head held high. The shitty proposal comment tells you all you need to know about him. You will have down moments, of course you will, but you deserve something better, and that will come without him.