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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s gone and I’m devastated

124 replies

ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 11:31

Really struggling and could do with some support.

Last night I finally confronted my partner of 13 years over who he has been messaging as it was obvious he was and he’s been so distant and coming up with excuses to not spend any time with me so he can go on his phone.

He eventually admitted that there’s another woman who he’s in love with and that he’s never loved me and only stayed for the kids. He left in the middle if the night to stay in a hotel.

Im just heartbroken. I didn’t sleep at all last night and can’t go more than 5 minutes without crying. I’ve not told anyone in rl yet.

Anyone got any tips for getting over a relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 14:21

I messaged my mum as didn’t think I could get the words out if I rang her. She’s not read it yet. I think I will tell a few friends tomorrow.

He won’t be back. It’s pretty clear the relationship was one sided in terms of feelings and I guess it was only a matter of time before things ended. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

I’ve got to pick up the youngest from preschool soon and i look like crap.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 28/02/2023 14:26

There's nothing wrong with you. This is all him.

showstopper100 · 28/02/2023 14:30

ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 14:21

I messaged my mum as didn’t think I could get the words out if I rang her. She’s not read it yet. I think I will tell a few friends tomorrow.

He won’t be back. It’s pretty clear the relationship was one sided in terms of feelings and I guess it was only a matter of time before things ended. I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

I’ve got to pick up the youngest from preschool soon and i look like crap.

There's nothing wrong with you. You've done nothing wrong. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go and pick your cherub up!

WentForAWalk · 28/02/2023 14:32

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. He is just a dick. Also, don't listen too his bullshit about not loving you - he is just trying to hurt you.

Each day, this will get easier. Tell your friends and get some support in place.

Eatentoomanyroses · 28/02/2023 14:33

Trash took itself out. No loss. Keep moving forward with your life.

Lieslies · 28/02/2023 14:37

There is nothing wrong with you. In a while it might be helpful to explore your relationship histories and choices with a counsellor, it can help with understanding why your boundaries and self-preservation might not be as strong as they could be (eg still marrying him despite what happened). I found it helpful.

You will feel horrendous for a while, and that's OK. You are essentially grieving. You have suddenly lost your present, planned future, and are questioning the past. It really is like he's died but the fucker is still out there, so a turmoil of emotions. Let yourself grieve. Have good days and bad days, in time the good days will take over.

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 15:38

All the signs were there - he rarely wanted sex with me, never complimented me, never put a picture of me on social media. I’ve been so stupid and living in denial.
Ive made it about 40 minutes without crying so that’s something

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 28/02/2023 15:47

You know the best thing you can do for yourself lovely is take good care of yourself, physically (even if you really don't feel like it) eat well, read, listen to music , cook (whatever you enjoy) enjoy your preschooler and think 'bollocks to him' ! Give it 6 months and you will probably care a lot less anyway and realise that it's better he moved on- you want someone (if at all) who is 100% there- not always half way out the door.

PooHeads · 28/02/2023 15:54

So sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s just awful. What really helped me, among other things, was listening to Rosie Greens book “How to heal a broke heart”. So much help and guidance in it, and very relatable to anyone who’s been in this situation. I honestly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But I promise you, you will feel better. Hang on in there 💐

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 17:32

Thanks for the book recommendation @PooHeads Ive just downloaded it now

OP posts:
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 28/02/2023 17:38

Handhold. It gets better. This was me with my ex - on reflection it was almost entirely one sided (no living kids though - two losses). I met my now DH six months after he finally got up the nerve to leave/I got up the nerve to evict him for good. Couldn’t be happier. Alone would be better than someone who doesn’t love you - only when I was happy alone did real love and a healthy relationship come along. You are worth SO much more than this coward and for what it’s worth he’s also a piss poor excuse for a father to just disappear and leave you to tell the kids etc alone!

ZaphodDent · 28/02/2023 17:47

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. He has behaved terribly, it's him that's in the wrong, not you.

It doesn't sound as if he has treated you very well at all over the years. You haven't been in denial, you've been getting on with being a parent and wife.

I know you feel awful right now, but just like there's a "script" for cheaters in these situations, there's also a well trodden path for the people they've cheated on.

That path is that you will feel bad for a while as you come to terms with what's happened, but you will eventually realise how much better off you are without him, and you will absolutely, definitely, be happy again.

He, however, will always be a cheater. And he may even end up with a cheater. Not a good life to lead for him.

Your future is already brighter now, even if you can't yet see it.

Catoo · 28/02/2023 17:57

So sorry OP.
But he had to go to make way for the happy new life that you will build.
And I hope one day you meet someone who truly loves and cherishes you.
In choosing to be so unkind, something he did not have to do, he’s shown you who he really is. You deserve better.
X

Itstimetoquit · 28/02/2023 18:24

I feel for you,ive been there,it does get easier but it takes time x

Jooliusreezer · 28/02/2023 18:30

How old are your kids @ilikeeggs ?

He’s a total shit to just swan off into the night and abandon you and the kids. He’s not worth anything, he’s another inadequate specimen and you’ll come to see that one day.

Original poster
ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 18:37

The kids are 3 and 9.
Im finding the rejection so hard to deal with. I already had low self esteem and this has destroyed what little I had left.
I doubt I’ll hear from him for at least a few days. He wants to think about how to tell the oldest and said to say he’s on a training course. I think she’ll realise there’s something going on although I’m trying to hide it.
I bet he’s planning his new life right now with the other woman.

OP posts:
bloodyplanes · 28/02/2023 18:38

Its hard for you to see at the moment but you are the winner in all this. He is a pathetic excuse of a man and his OW hasn't won any sort of prize by getting him! They absolutely deserve each other and you deserve much better! In time you will be happy again, far happier than you ever were with him!

Griefgood · 28/02/2023 18:58

He does t decide how to tell your children, you do.

Try and get some sleep tonight, perhaps take a nytol if you can.

Then tomorrow, take back control and you tell him how it's going to be. How you've decided to tell the children, how you've decided to not lie about training courses etc.

MohairTortoise · 28/02/2023 19:00

If you do one thing this evening, get yourself the kindle version of 'Leave a cheater, Gain a life' by Tracy Schorn, and begin reading it.
Be kind to yourself. It will get better.

AngelinaFibres · 28/02/2023 19:03

ilikeeggs · 28/02/2023 18:37

The kids are 3 and 9.
Im finding the rejection so hard to deal with. I already had low self esteem and this has destroyed what little I had left.
I doubt I’ll hear from him for at least a few days. He wants to think about how to tell the oldest and said to say he’s on a training course. I think she’ll realise there’s something going on although I’m trying to hide it.
I bet he’s planning his new life right now with the other woman.

Mine were 3 and 2. He went off to a shiny new life with a 17 year old from work that he had been having an affair with for a while. I thought I would die of the pain. He told me I was physically repulsive, that having sex with me made his flesh crawl, that he hadn't loved me for years. Every morning I would wake up and there would be a few seconds before I remembered what was happening. I cried every day for weeks. It was 26 years ago. I am now married to a wonderful man . I have 2 grown up sons and 2 fabulous DILs and I'm a granny of 1. My thought on it all now is that if I had known the amazing life that awaited me I would have helped him pack. I send you a huge hug. It will be okay. It really will.

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 28/02/2023 19:06

It sounds like he's living in cloud cuckoo land!

If this other woman wanted him she'd have left her husband years ago.

They're carrying on online swept away with thoughts of nostalgia and destiny, ignoring reality and I suspect he'll come down to earth with a bump.

Really hope your mum reads her messages.

Samanthakronda · 28/02/2023 19:08

As someone who went through exactly this 6 years ago it does get better. Take time for you and the children and don’t rush things. You will heal, good luck

Griefgood · 28/02/2023 19:10

@AngelinaFibres what a cunt your ex is, what a star you are!

Did his relationship last?

DesertRose64 · 28/02/2023 19:18

I already had low self esteem and this has destroyed what little I had left

He contributed to your low self esteem in a huge way and you’re soon going to get in back in spades.

WidthofaLine · 28/02/2023 19:22

It's going to be hard for you to see how this man has been systematically demolishing your confidence for years, you must be just left with thoughts of how deficient you are, that's quite natural when he's been cheating and diverting his attention to another whilst at the same time pulling you down to ease his concience.

It's going to take time to understand the reality of the situation, that being that there is nothing wrong with you, there is much to like about you, your morailty, your integrity, your duty and responsibility towards you children, and many more assets I bet.

He on the other hand sounds deficient in many areas, your reasoning in time will return and eventually see that he was never an asset, only a deficit.

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