Page 5 | He’s gone and I’m devastated

ilikeeggs · 2023-02-28T11:31:28+00:00

Really struggling and could do with some support. Last night I finally confronted my partner of 13 years over who he has been messaging as it was obvious he was and he’s been so distant and coming up with excuses to not spend any time with me so he can go on his phone. He eventually admitted that there’s another woman who he’s in love with and that he’s never loved me and only stayed for the kids. He left in the middle if the night to stay in a hotel. Im just heartbroken. I didn’t sleep at all last night and can’t go more than 5 minutes without crying. I’ve not told anyone in rl yet. Anyone got any tips for getting over a relationship?

Beaverbridge · 02/03/2023 19:09

Chin up darling. He's cold because OW has probably hunted him, and you wouldn't let him back in. Boo hoo, how sad for him, not!!.

Original poster

ilikeeggs · 02/03/2023 22:12

I can’t believe he’s not even asked about how the kids are. He’s become someone I don’t even know. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

OP posts:

Catoo · 02/03/2023 22:21

ilikeeggs · 02/03/2023 16:39

Todays been a low day. We’ve exchanged a few texts and he’s so cold now.

Oh I hate that cold thing they do. Try to find humour in the stupidness of it if you can! Also I deliberately don’t reply in the same manner. Preferring to keep it simple but not cold. So stuff like.
OK 👍
or
Sure thing 🙂
etc.
I hope it’s annoying but they can’t complain about it.
x

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2023 01:34

I would add that "noted" is one that they fucking HATE!!!!! But....they cant argue with

"I'm not seeing the kids at the moment, I need to get myself sorted"
"Noted"

No emotion, no argument, simply an acknowledgement that you have read and understood his text. Of course that sends him into a tailspin because you have not reacted in a way he either wanted or expected, and also that you may be saving his messages to use in some legal capacity in the future (Which of course, you are and if you arent, you bloody should be!).

Once you get into the habit, its really quite funny!

When they see you in person "What did you mean by saying noted?"
"Nothing. I had nothing to say about it but I wanted to let you know I had seen your message"
"YOu must have meant something"
"No I didnt. If I had meant something, Iwould have said......KIDS, GET YOUR STUFF, DAD'S HERE!!"

Always done best when you look smoking hot at pick up time, even if your only date is with a frozen pizza and a cheap bottle of plonk for the One Stop!

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2023 01:35

*from the One Stop

Original poster

ilikeeggs · 03/03/2023 06:36

Thanks for the tips with dealing with communication with him. I wish I could block him but obviously we need to be able to discuss seeing the kids.

Those of you who have been through this before, when does it start to get easier?

OP posts:

Catoo · 03/03/2023 08:51

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2023 01:34

I would add that "noted" is one that they fucking HATE!!!!! But....they cant argue with

"I'm not seeing the kids at the moment, I need to get myself sorted"
"Noted"

No emotion, no argument, simply an acknowledgement that you have read and understood his text. Of course that sends him into a tailspin because you have not reacted in a way he either wanted or expected, and also that you may be saving his messages to use in some legal capacity in the future (Which of course, you are and if you arent, you bloody should be!).

Once you get into the habit, its really quite funny!

When they see you in person "What did you mean by saying noted?"
"Nothing. I had nothing to say about it but I wanted to let you know I had seen your message"
"YOu must have meant something"
"No I didnt. If I had meant something, Iwould have said......KIDS, GET YOUR STUFF, DAD'S HERE!!"

Always done best when you look smoking hot at pick up time, even if your only date is with a frozen pizza and a cheap bottle of plonk for the One Stop!

Noted is excellent 😆👍

Catoo · 03/03/2023 08:56

ilikeeggs · 03/03/2023 06:36

Thanks for the tips with dealing with communication with him. I wish I could block him but obviously we need to be able to discuss seeing the kids.

Those of you who have been through this before, when does it start to get easier?

I think there are some apps you can use to communicate about your children on so that you can block on normal texts, WhatsApp etc.

Madremia06 · 03/03/2023 09:22

ilikeeggs · 03/03/2023 06:36

Thanks for the tips with dealing with communication with him. I wish I could block him but obviously we need to be able to discuss seeing the kids.

Those of you who have been through this before, when does it start to get easier?

You will have up and down days for a while .. I think personally for me it was a good few months when I actually realized that the house was actually a happier calmer place without him. Everyone is different but you will get there .. hugs

Original poster

ilikeeggs · 04/03/2023 10:24

Feeling so low again today, I think it’s cos it’s Saturday and we’d normally be doing family stuff and i have nobody to do an anything with.
How do you get over the fact the man you loved does not give a shit about you and never did.

OP posts:

greenfingers39 · 04/03/2023 10:59

You are still a family, you and your kids. Get out and do something as a family, you don't need a cheating scumbag to complete your family, it's better without him. Set days asap with him to see the kids to minimise the need for comms, and start to rebuild your life, always reminding yourself that he's no great loss. You can do this. GO GIVE YOU AND YOUR KIDS A NICE WEEKEND!!!

VictoriaBun · 04/03/2023 13:17

If its OK weather wise out there , pack a drink and a packet of biscuits / snack and take the kids to the local park / play area / Wood and have a good walk
You will feel better

Mari9999 · 04/03/2023 14:10

It was not his presence that made you a family, and it is not his absence that dissolves that unit. You and your children are a family. He is still family with his children. He is simply no longer your family.

You are functioning as though your entire life beloved to him rather than to you. If you were totally honest with yourself, you would admit that it has probably been a very long time in which you have not loved this man. Emotional dependence is not the same as love. Neediness and the unwillingness to honestly view your relationships are not signs of faithfulness and devotion. They are symptoms of wilful blindness and fear.. This is the combination that describes what you are now calling your"love " for this man.

You will never move forward until you can be honest with yourself. This is no great love affair gone wrong. This is yet just another case of 2 mismatched people ending a relationship. When you can accept that reality , you blinders will fall off and you will begin to move forward.

Mari9999 · 04/03/2023 14:11

Correction "life belonged"

WidthofaLine · 04/03/2023 17:50

You will never move forward until you can be honest with yourself. This
is no great love affair gone wrong. This is yet just another case of 2
mismatched people ending a relationship. When you can accept that
reality , you blinders will fall off and you will begin to move forward.

Yes many of us in life have blinkers on which we are unaware of .... until someone points it out.

I wonder what my blinkers are
And I wonder what yours are ?

Mari9999 · 04/03/2023 19:32

My blinders and your blinders probably exist , but they do not become problems until they prevent us from dealing with problems that arise in our daily lives.

Recognizing the OPs blinders in no way suggests that neither you nor I have blinders.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 04/03/2023 19:36

Just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope you get chance to get a nice bath and watch something you like on TV, paint your nails, put a song on you love. Just something for yourself. Well meaning hand squeeze 💐

Griefgood · 04/03/2023 19:37

ilikeeggs · 04/03/2023 10:24

Feeling so low again today, I think it’s cos it’s Saturday and we’d normally be doing family stuff and i have nobody to do an anything with.
How do you get over the fact the man you loved does not give a shit about you and never did.

It's a first, the first mums will hurt, you're nearly through the first Saturday.

Keep going

Griefgood · 04/03/2023 19:38

Ones not mums

Original poster

ilikeeggs · 04/03/2023 19:52

Thank you. I ended up calling my mum in tears and she came to pick us up and take her back to hers. That’s the other thing we only ever had one car and he’s taken it so we are very limited with where we can go now! I was going to take them for a walk but I couldn’t stop crying long enough to leave the house.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilikeeggs · 04/03/2023 20:25

@Mari9999 Maybe the problem is I made him my whole world. I am very dependent on him both practically and emotionally and that’s why it’s so hard to suddenly be discarded and left alone.

I do love him but it’s only now we are no longer together that I’m coming to terms with how unhealthy the relationship was. Even though I know it’s for the best we aren’t together I still miss him so much.

OP posts:

Griefgood · 04/03/2023 20:29

ilikeeggs · 04/03/2023 20:25

@Mari9999 Maybe the problem is I made him my whole world. I am very dependent on him both practically and emotionally and that’s why it’s so hard to suddenly be discarded and left alone.

I do love him but it’s only now we are no longer together that I’m coming to terms with how unhealthy the relationship was. Even though I know it’s for the best we aren’t together I still miss him so much.

Oh bless you, as my dad used to say, this too shall pass.

You will get stronger and stronger.

Let your mum look after you now.

Mari9999 · 04/03/2023 22:04

OP, maybe you should print and post a message on your bedroom mirror asking yourself " have I knowingly and willingly accepted disrespectful treatment rather than being alone? Do I want to continue being that person?

There was a song titled "What's Love Got To Do With it?" You need to answer that question for yourself. You keep mentioning love, and to be honest, love has absolutely nothing to do with the issues that you are going to have to face in the days ahead.

He may have been your obstacle to over come in the past, and now you are recreating him as some kind of "loved presence" to be an obstacle to your ability to move forward.

Shame on him for what he did to you, but shame on you for what you are allowing his exaggerated value do to you now. He is not sitting somewhere crying over you, and yet you are wasting your time thinking about him.

beenwhereyouare · 05/03/2023 10:09

Eggs, I thought this sounded familiar. He was gaslighting you about this woman 2 years ago, and he's up to it again. It sounds like he never cut contact to begin with.

I hope you know this isn't your fault. He's hurting you with his words; he's choosing to lie and cheat and he's saying the things he knows will hurt you the most. He's being deliberately cruel.

I know this is so very hard right now. You're thinking it's definitely over and that he won't come back, and you're devastated. In reality, he may backtrack if things don't work out, but the outcome will be the same as before. Please don't give him the chance to do this again.

Please. ❤