He’s gone and I’m devastated

[ilikeeggs]

Really struggling and could do with some support.

Last night I finally confronted my partner of 13 years over who he has been messaging as it was obvious he was and he’s been so distant and coming up with excuses to not spend any time with me so he can go on his phone.

He eventually admitted that there’s another woman who he’s in love with and that he’s never loved me and only stayed for the kids. He left in the middle if the night to stay in a hotel.

Im just heartbroken. I didn’t sleep at all last night and can’t go more than 5 minutes without crying. I’ve not told anyone in rl yet.

Anyone got any tips for getting over a relationship?

The other woman is married and may decide the last thing she wants is to break up her family (particularly if this has only been online and a bit of a silly fantasy to her). Pretty soon he's going to end up with nothing while you have your self respect, your kids and your future ahead of you. Make him pay - get a shit hot lawyer and plan a future that you and your kids deserve xx

Been exactly where you are, like many others on MN. It doesn't feel like it just now, but you will get over it. I felt like you, suicidal thoughts, despair, crying. Then I got angry and took the power back, told him what would be happening with the girls etc. He didn't like, and I couldn't have cared less. He left the one he left me for. She was the one he "couldn't live without". Turned out he could. I've been with the love of my life for over 20 years now. ExH did me the biggest favour.

👏 👏

Been there (in your situation), it's utterly shit, and my heart goes out to you. Please know though that you've done NOTHING wrong. He's the c*nt. And he's using the Script and rewriting history to make himself feel like the one in the right (when he isn't). If you were as awful as he made out (BTW, you are not awful!), why did he stick around for 13 years and have two children with you? You didn't force him to stay etc. From my own experience with XH, and from what I've seen/read both on here and in real life, they all seem to follow a similar pattern.

You asked for tips....here are a few from someone 4yrs down the line...
-be kind to yourself: look after yourself (eat/drink/sleep/shower). Speak to friends/family and get the support you need. Remember that this is not your fault and you have nothing to be blame yourself for.
-give yourself time: there will be good days and bad days. But things will get better.
-grey rock him. Remember that he's not on your side now. Stay polite and maybe just keep things to text/email for time being.
-be prepared for him to turn really nasty and completely rewrite history. Really make sure you get support to get through this.
-maybe see if you can figure through any practical things with your Mum, just to get a vague plan of action in place about things.
-be prepared that he might come crawling back. Mine did some short months after I found out about him/OW (NB she was apparently perfect and understood him etc etc, unlike me) - after they'd had a massive and very dramatic breakup (I laughed so much when I found out). I told him to go to hell.

Just remember you are better off without him. You can move on with dignity.

He embezzled a million pounds to fund their lifestyle. She is divorcing him. They had a child. That child and our original 2 have nothing to do with him. He hasn't seen his grandson for months. Grandson isn't even 1 yet. He is living in cheap hotels whilst his soon to be ex wife ( the OW in our divorce) is spending thousands on lawyers to try to keep the house out of the hands of bailiffs. Ain't karma a bitch.

In a similar boat.

But I left as I couldn't deal with all the lies anymore...

It does get easier, I couldn't see it when it was fresh.

Things got really bad before they started getting better.

Just hang in there.

Try and focus on you and Lo's

We are better off without them when they have zero respect to be doing that!

Less than a year on she's literally given birth to other guys child 🙄. . .

I divorced before the Internet was a thing. My mum bought me 2 books on surviving divorce. There are probably hundreds available online now. Two things I have never forgotten from those books.

1. Don't waste your energy fighting over everything if you both have similar incomes. If you have e.g a dishwasher and a washing machine and you can replace the one you let them have with your next salary payment then just let it go. Keep the one of those that's most useful immediately to you ,then buy a replacement of the other one when you get paid ( if you can) . Six months into this process all the domestic trivia will be sorted. They can't threaten you with it/ try to control you/ get in your head. Give them the lawnmower and wave them goodbye. Free cycle,gumtree is a great help with this
2. Don't do revenge stuff. I wasn't working when my husband buggered off. If I had damaged his car, cut the sleeves off his suits I would have lost the moral high ground and he would have had to replace them in order to do his job .I needed him to pay for stuff until I could go back to work and would have caused even more financial problems for me and the children. The very ,very best revenge is a brilliant life. There is one waiting for you. It will come.

Thanks everyone on this thread for your advice, it’s really helping. Dd1 keeps asking when he’s coming back and I’ve been trying to be vague. I think I will have to tell her if he doesn’t get in contact by Friday.
I do think this relationship has contributed to my low esteem thinking about it. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough for him and he was on the look out for someone else our whole relationship. It’s so hard to understand why he led me along for 13 years if he never wanted to be with me. Sometimes he seemed to want me but recently I could tell it was just to stop me getting suspicious.

For all I know the ow might have left her husband now and that’s why there seems to be an increase in contact. I remember him saying she was unhappy in her marriage too (aren’t they always).

Ahh he will regret it. I wouldn't bank on her leaving her husband for him either and if she does it won't last.

Try your hardest to keep contact minimal. Don't let him play with your feelings. Do not take him back. He doesn't deserve you!

Have a think about how things will work going forward even temporary and drop him a straight to the point message about childcare and finances until you can sort something proper.

You're stronger than you feel right now x

How old are your kids?
Sounds like your xp had the descentcy to hide it from your kids.

If anyone asked my youngest, her answered would be mummy was naughty and she pushed daddy out the house ...

Who's cares what their situation is...

Focus on yourself. 😁

Could not read and run. I am so sorry OP. You are free now and in time you will find someone who loves you. Stay strong OP. x

Im so sorry honey, I know its hard for you, but I promise you will be fine. Grieving is tough and its not a linear process so it might feel like a rollercoaster for few months but will start to settle.
Re your ex: he is a dirt, having an affair and then being so hurtful and deliberately nasty about the reasons is just a lowest form but I sense he just doesn't want to feel guilty its his fault. Weak, weak man. You will be better off eventually. Sending hugs 🤗

What had he given you over the past years? If he wasn’t happy, didn’t want sex etc then what has he actually given you? Low self esteem? Because he will he giving just as less to the next woman who comes along. I know it feels the opposite just now, but you are not losing out on much by him leaving.

He sounds like a coward and now someone else will have to deal with that cowardness. The other woman If she is still in a marriage then the idea of them being together is still just a fantasy for them both. If he was so unhappy but never mustered the courage to leave until now, do you really think he’s got it in him to start something solid with a married woman? I don’t. This situation has opened up a huge opportunity for someone also to come along who actually deserves your love. Better days are coming OP, we just have to get through the painful ones first but the good thing about that is, the pain provides and it makes us strong.

Also you are not alone. I am also in the heartbreak club lately after finding out two weeks ago that my partner is an addict who lied about his drug use for our ENTIRE relationship. We are worth more than this, we are .

Why does it seem that the "best life" yet to come will involve another bloke in the future? Just because some posters found a new relationship, it doesn't mean op will. She'd also have to let another bloke into her children's lives, which is a risk. Happiness doesn't necessarily mean another relationship, being sine is a perfectly valid existence too.

*single

OP take comfort from the fact that all of the poster telling you their sad and unfortunate experience all survived and none died of a broken heart.

Realize that you were 2 unhappy people living together ,and unhappy people don't always make the best choices.

For the moment, do what you would normally do, and don't focus on where he is or what he might be doing. Focus on your children. They are so young that they are not going to be traumatized by his absence for a few days. If you need to tell them anything, tell them that he is away for work or away because he has some thinking to do in a quiet place. Hopefully, he will call them everyday

Children as young as yours can make good adjustments to separations if the parents both behave like adults. Better that they should live with one parent rather than 2 unhappy parents. If you have spent 11_years thinking ia that he did not love you, now you can possibly recognize that maybe you didn't love him either. What you had together was familiarity encased in resentment.

Now you can begin to rediscover yourself and all of the things that you are capable of doing.

Just be thankful you never married him, you don't have to go through all the crap of being divorced. If your dc are school aged get a claim in for CMS & make him pay his way for them. You have had a narrow escape, it might not feel that way now but it will in the future.

You won't see it now as I didnt with an ex I married years ago..it will get better and I promise you once your all fine and dandy and settled you will find your Mr right who does want,respect and love you. I did and I cant be happier 5 years married and still very much in love.

First of all, you are not a fool, he's the fool for letting his dick rule his head.

I know it's an upsetting time for you at the moment but you need to concentrate on yourself and your children. Leave him be and don't contact him, he's expecting to be 'hassled' by you with phone calls and text..... try to move forward with life. If you need a solicitor, contact one and let them start the appropriate processes for you.

Day by day things will get easier.

I'm sure he will feel the shame somewhere along the line.

Well I managed 2/3 hours sleep last night which I guess is an improvement on the zero the night before.
I’ve heard nothing from him since early yesterday morning and I won’t be texting him as hard as it is. I expect him to contact me soon about seeing the kids.

As much as I’d love him to say he’s made a mistake and wants to come back I know that it would be a lie on his part and there’s no going back now. I’d been clinging on to something that wasn’t there and I can see that now.

I told my mum yesterday and she’s coming over tomorrow. I want to tell a friend but I just feel kind of humiliated by it all.
as well as feeling hurt I’m so angry at him.

Please ring your friend, I wouldn't have got through without my best mate. You have absolutely no reason to feel humiliated, his actions are no reflection on you. Remember that. He is the one who has behaved appallingly.

It's a lengthy journey to getting well after this but it's worth it. I wish I'd known how worth it it is at the time. This time is just awful though. My way through was talking it all over again and again to make sense of it with family and friends. It helps massively.

Today I just feel numb. So many thoughts going round my head. How do you get over the rejection from someone you love.
He got in touch today to ask if he can move onto the downstairs. I said no as didn’t think it would be a good idea as I’d struggle to see him. He’s gone to stay with family instead.

Im also annoyed with myself for being such a doormat. I let him get away with a lot as I didn’t want to lose him. I should have told him to F off years ago.

Good for you @ilikeeggs Obviously the OW didn't open her home to him! Well done for standing strong and refusing to let him back in.